The Mystery of the Druids
| YЯ∃TERY | |
|---|---|
| File:Druidshgr.JPG | |
| Developer(s) | Nintendo |
| Publisher(s) | Segata Sanshiro |
| Platform(s) | Microsoft Windows |
| Release | PC NA May 1, 2058 |
| Genre(s) | Fightan/Shootan Gaem |
| Mode(s) | Single player |
YЯ∃TERY is a 2058 shootan game, developed by Nintendo and published by Segata Sanshiro.
The player takes control of a crazy, bloodthirsty druid who, after fighting off countless fighting amphibians, resorts to becoming a druid in order to rescue the Princess, Snacks. The game consists of driving around in a van known as the Mystery Machine, shooting non believers and saving goats. The more goats that you save, the higher your druid ranking and the more Porkslope's you will earn. Earning enough Porkslopes is said to unlock a secret character.
The game is well known for one of the characters special attack. This attack is known as the 'Frenzy dance'. Activating this causes the player to leave the van and run around screaming, attacking everything in site with an gigantic axe.
Unfortunately, due to a cataclysmic error in time and space, a vortex carried the USB flash drive that the game was stored on into the year 2001 and, consequentially, it was found by Reggie Fils-Aime. After Reggie Fils-Aime put the game onto his hard drive, the game magically started and he played for 13 days, without sleep, until he had kicked all ass and taken all names in the game, a crucial game mechanic. It is said that only Reggie Fils-Aime knows every secret to this game, though this information may be false.
The Plot
The plot opens with the main druid fighting off the invading fighting amphibians bursting from every wall, floor, and ceiling that they can find. After fighting them off to defend the princess, the druid finds that Princess Snacks has been struck with a terrible curse, a warrant for her BALD! Thus, the druid sets out in his Mystery Machine van, riding and fighting and driving and goat 'saving' across the country. He fights bosses, nosy investigators who come to investigate and solve the mystery, starting with Jessica Fletcher, then Magnum PI, the Diagnosis Murder guy, that one chick, Brother Cadfael (Notable for being the only boss that actually calls upon the power of God to damn the player of the game to Hell), detective Columbo (You can't really kill him, he's just too bald), and Hercule Poirot. The final boss, in a move highly regarded as a great innovation is, yourself as it is revealed that the Druid is actually Shaggy from the Scooby Gang, who in an overdose of LSD was convinced the other members of the posse had to die. When the player defeats all the enemies, ensuring the safety of his consciousness and the grove and Princess Snacks, he is promptly bannedished from the land to roam eternally on the highway in the Mystery Machine.
The Characters
Unfortunately, little is known about the elusive characters in the game. It is speculated that Reggie Fils-Amise knows the correct names of the characters but had them changed at the last minute, due to time paradoxes that could spiral out of control if names of the future were to be released. It is rumoured that, somewhere in West Philadelphia, there exists a magical cave which holds the USB flash drive and that a sacred guardian keeps watch, this guardian is said to be none other than the Fresh Prince of Bel Air himself.
The main character is not named, though it is debated whether or not his name is heard in lines of dialogue as Mike Haggar. However, what is not in debate is how bad a dude the main character is. It is rumored that, whilst on many magical and mystical adventures, the main character was actually bad enough dude to rescue the current president of his time from countless Ninjas.
Snacks, a prominant protagonist in the game, is a beautiful maiden and is the main storyline incentive as to complete the game. Though, the only person ever to complete the game was Reggie Fils-Amise, many have suggested that there is a sex scene between the two main characters and that the ending is of the world exploding and the face of the Magical Druid, our main character, flies off into space. Unfortunately, Snacks remains to be elusive to this date, due to the fact that nobody has ever seen her because nobody has, as of yet, completed the game.
As a main plot twist, the character Hercule Poirot joins your team of The Druid, Tom (a whymsical sidecharacter cat that follows the group around and uses magical abilities to be seen anywhere he wants at any time) and Moot, a great and mighty warrior who actually turns out to be a girl. Poirot is debatably the most awesome character in the game because of his special abilites to call upon god to get through the level. This can only be used once in the game and, unfortunately, cannot be used on the last level because it is set beyond time and space itself.
Rumors
An unclassified article in a Japanese Newpaper Kotaku appeared in 2009 stating that a Japanese girl, aged 17, had played the game for 12 days and apparently set the record for completing the game. Unfortunately, after completing the game and seeing such a beautiful ending, she committed suicide and the whole of her hard drive was erased instantly, to which her computer teleported into a wormhole. It is safe to say that Jack Thompson exploded into millions of pieces of candy because he is a ludicrous faggot and makes up shit about games being violent. The joke's on him. He's already dead. In the future.
Most of the game's soundtrack was composed by a man going under the pseudonym of Daxflame. It was said to have been inspired by Final Fantasy 7, because, and Daxflame quotes, "It is the greatest game ever created." For this rumor alone, a copy of the game is now worth over $599 US dollars.
It is said that, because of Nintendo's licensing on the game, you can unlock Angry Kirby by defeating 20 enemies on impossible melee. As far, nobody has actually killed 4 enemies on Impossible melee and the first is through the fact that the main character sends the first 3 flying through a wall of any direction. There are said to be pictures of 3 Amphibians crashing through a wall, circulating around the internet, though most people's hard drives have spontaneously combusted because this is far too awesome to handle in one .jpeg.
Controversy
Many sections of the game are related to disasters that happened in our not-so-distant past. One level is entirely devoted to stopping snakes from crashing a zeppelin into the World Trade Center which ultimately results in the World Trade Center getting destroyed no matter what ending to the level you get, good or bad. Another level is completely devoted to the bombing of Malaysia in 2048, another catastrophe which killed billions of innocent Malaysians. The storyline says that after Japanese restaurants found that they were getting crowded with too many people from Malaysia, the Japanese started charging Malaysians for access to the country. This spawned the Malaysian war and it lasts for several gaming hours as the player continues to drop radioactive goats on Malaysia, causing the whole of the country to explode in a shower of pure radioctive material. Some say that, from afar, it looked as if Malaysia was charging a lazer. The Malaysian Government banned the game in 2049 because of the extremity of the time paradox it caused.
Another level is devoted to killing hundreds of innocent children with a plank of wood and then dragging their bodies off into the night to viloently rape the corpses of the innocent victims. This stage is mandatory and many people have committed suicide after playing this level. It is advised that you play the level blindfolded, to avoid bleeding from your eyes.
In 2012, this game received the coveted "Most Violent Video Game Ever" award, awarded simply on its box art. This was then to be surpassed by "Candlejack : Silent Child Snatching Espionage Action" which Hideo Kojima made in homage to the sheer beauty of the game.
In the summer of 2014, 4 teenagers played the game in an underground, secret laboratory. They plaed for 5 years and mutated into horrible manifestations of Turtles. They now roam the underground cities and sewers of New York, terrorising the city and destroying everything in their path.
Attempted in 2003, a young asian man attempted to make a world record run of the game in order to complete it outright. This started on September 11th and carried on til September 14th where, upon reaching level 3, the young asian man got up from his seat and exploded, killing thousands of bystanders.
The game is actually given 2 AO ratings on each side due to its severe nature.
After the seeing the box art, a 14 year old boy ascended into the sky, never to be seen again by mankind. It is rumoured that this boy would eventually be the creator of the game and that, due to the major paradox that the game created by being in existence before many of its events happened, he was taken into the future to ultimately be the creator of the game. This only caused controvery because this was the last remaining copy of YЯ∃TERY in existence and, after being taken to the future, it would become the number 1 selling game in 2059, 2060 and it would eventually cause the destruction of the universe after a tournament was held with over 1 billion Japanese people taking part in order to complete the game.
The game was taken off of shelves in 2007 for a short period of time because, due to the creator's amazing coding skills, for that time period, once everyone installed the disk, a video of Rick Astley singing "Never Gonna Give You Up" was played and could not be stopped. Because of its nature to roll across the screen as it played, this became known as a "Rickroll" and is commonly used to illustrate the importance that Rick Astley played during that part of 2002.
It is common that faggots on World Of Warcraft Forums have no life and like to play this game to end it and alleviate their mother's pain. This killed billions of WoW players during the period in 2007 which Rickrolled many of the players. The magical code also destroyed many of the World of Warcraft forums on the internet. For this, the 20th of May became "World Rick Astley Appreciation Day" for ridding the world of so many faggots.
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