Talk:Geneviève Lhermitte/GA2

GA Review

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Reviewer: Cwmhiraeth (talk · contribs) 11:26, 20 April 2013 (UTC)[reply]

I propose to take on this review. I see that this article has been a class project and that you have been working on improving it together since it failed its first GA nomination. I will review it in detail soon. Cwmhiraeth (talk) 11:26, 20 April 2013 (UTC)[reply]

First reading

You could do with more wikilinks. These should include - first degree murder, life imprisonment, post-partum depression, life insurance, mortgage, spa, psychiatrist, dermatology, goddaughter, jury, honeymoon, stepfather, sound mind, platonic, screenwriter, claustrophobia and protagonist. Added all of the Wikilinks suggested.
"was followed by two more daughters" - "had two younger sisters" would be better. I see you changed this.
"While Moqadem worked at a night-shop" - What is a night-shop? Changed to "convenience store."
"Lhermitte did not protest cohabiting with Schaar," - I'm not sure about the US, but "cohabiting" usually has sexual connotations in the UK, and it might be better to say "Lhermitte did not object to living with Schaar in his apartment as she thought it would be on a temporary basis." You're right. The word "cohabitating" does tend to infer a sexual relationship. I see you changed this, too.
"Between the births of her first two daughters, on June 17, 1994, one of Lhermitte's students flashed a gun at her that he had hidden inside his jacket." - this seems irrelevant unless the event contributed to her depression, in which case you should mention this fact. Yes, definitely irrelevant.
The Personal Life section has too many short paragraphs. 3 or 4 paragraphs should suffice. [See two points below.]
In the section "Crime", I think you should include the words "According to her account, ..." or "Lhermitte told investigators that ..." I've added two of these statements to clarify for legal purposes. I understand the Associated Press often requires these statements in crime reporting, but I wasn't sure if Wikipedia did, too. Nonetheless, they're added now.
The Crime section, and in fact all the sections, have too many short paragraphs. See the Manual of Style All of the sections are shorter now. At first we were trying to make paragraphs short for the purpose of not overwhelming readers, but everything is changed to meet Wikipedia' style preference. The only exception is in the "Post-trial lawsuit" subsection, which needs two shorter paragraphs or else there's an awkward line break due to the picture.
"... so the trial focused on what drove Lhermitte to do so." - "... so the trial focused on what drove Lhermitte to kill her children" would be better.Changed to "...the trial focused on what drove Lhermitte to commit the crime."
I think you should replace the whole of the second paragraph of the Trial section with "Xavier Magnee told the jury, "Your task is to discover why a woman who had hitherto been a perfect mother suddenly exploded." Much more concise. Changed.
If "Investigators found the five children tucked in their beds, some with stuffed toys in their arms.", how come Nora's body was in the bathroom? Nice catch. Simple copywriting error. Changed to "Investigators found the four children tucked..."
The subheadings should be in lower case. Changed.