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#REDIRECT [[Shidduch]] |
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'''Shiddukhin''' ([[Hebrew language|Hebrew]]: ''matching'') is the Jewish term for finding a marital partner, and its completion in an [[engagement]]. It is not to be confused with the closely related term ''[[shidduch|shiddukhi'''m''']]'', which refers to a formal form of [[wiktionary:match-making]]. |
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==Sought qualities== |
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In the bible and Jewish tradition, like that of many nations, marriage isn't a simple question of two people falling in love. There are many additional criteria to consider, and thus the Talmudic writers argue that marriage should not be rushed into<ref>''[[Yebamot]]'' 63a</ref>. |
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=== Social Status === |
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The Talmudic writers claim that a marriage should occur for no other purpose than that of doing the will of God<ref>''[[Sotah]]'' 12a</ref>. Following this principle, they prefer a man to marry the daughter of a respectable family<ref>''Baba Bathra'' 109b</ref>, to the point of selling all one's possessions if necessary to secure marriage to the daughter of a learned man<ref>''[[Pesahim]]'' 49</ref><ref>''[[Ketubot (Talmud)|Ketubot]]'' 111b</ref>; similarly, they praise any man who causes his daughter to marry a learned man<ref>''[[Berakhot (Talmud)|Berakhot]]'' 34b</ref>. Conversely, the family of a very unlearned man was, according to them, to be avoided<ref>''Pesahim'' 49b</ref>. The classical rabbis gave the following list of classes of men whose families they considered desirable for marriage, which they list in order of desirability (most desirable first)<ref name="JewEncMarLaw">{{Jewish Encyclopedia|article=marriage laws|url=http://www.jewishencyclopedia.com/view.jsp?letter=M&artid=216}}</ref>: |
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#Scholar |
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#Leader of a congregation |
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#Charity Collector |
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#Teacher (of children) |
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Although they also say that a man should choose a woman below him in status<ref>''[[Kiddushin]]'' 49a</ref>, they insist that a man who marries a woman unworthy of him would be chastised by God<ref name="Kid70a">''Kiddushin'' 70a</ref>; such a man was regarded by them as having degraded his family<ref name="Kid70a" />. While all families were given the benefit of the doubt, and therefore presumed to be respectable, those which were discovered to have constant arguments and disputes, among themselves, or which were discovered to call each other by ''shameful'' names, or which were discovered to be uncharitable or cruel, were suspected of having an ''impure'' ancestry<ref>''Kiddushin'' 71b</ref><ref>''Kiddushin'' 76ba</ref>. |
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=== Beauty === |
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Although many cultures value the [[aphorism]] that ''beauty is only skin deep'', the talmud commends the benefits of having a beautiful wife<ref>''Berakhot'' 57b</ref>, and instructs that a man should not marry a bride without first seeing her<ref>''Kiddushin'' 41a</ref>; it even claims that if she had beautiful eyes, she would need no further recommendation<ref>''[[Ta'anit (Talmud)|Ta'anit]]'' 24a</ref>. In the classical era, the maidens of Jerusalem frequently gathered together singing that ''the highest attribute of a woman is her beauty''<ref>''Ta'anit'' 31a</ref>. A concern for superficial appearance is also expressed in the disfavour it shows to marriage between people resembling one another, in their height, or in their physical complexion<ref>''[[Bekhorot]]'' 45b</ref>. |
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===Age=== |
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{{main|Marriagable Age in Judaism}} |
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Rather than being seen as merely a literary device to quickly describe the populating of the earth, the biblical instruction to ''go forth and multiply''<ref>{{bibleverse||Genesis|1:28|}}</ref> was interpreted by the [[classical era|classical]] [[rabbi]]s to mean that it was the duty of every male Jew to marry as soon as possible<ref>[[Maimonides]], ''Minyan haMitzvot'', 212</ref>; this duty was thought by them to end once the husband had fathered both a son and a daughter<ref>''Yebamot'' 61a</ref>. Several [[Talmud]]ic rabbis urged that boys should be married as soon as they reach the age of majority<ref>''[[Sanhedrin (Talmud)|Sanhedrin]]'' 76b</ref>; indeed, [[beth din|rabbinical courts]] frequently tried to compel an individual to marry, if they had passed the age of twenty without marriage<ref name="JewEncMarLaw" />. |
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In areas where Jews were persecuted, Jewish fathers pressured their daughters to get married, so that they could give be given a dowry before the persecutions caused its loss<ref name="JewEncMarCer">{{Jewish Encyclopedia|article=marriage ceremonies|url=http://www.jewishencyclopedia.com/view.jsp?letter=M&artid=215}}</ref>. In historic Russia (prior to the [[Russian Revolution]]), on the other hand, the country's political philosophy contributed to Jews marrying at an early age<ref name="JewEncMarCer" />; the country used [[conscription]] to supply the members of its military, but men were not conscripted if they were married<ref name="JewEncMarCer" />. Thus the social conditions lead to people marrying at a young age, in some areas<ref name="JewEncMarCer" />; nevertheless, marriages with a large age gap between the spouses (e.g. between a young man and an old woman) were thoroughly opposed by the classical rabbis<ref>''Yebamot'' 44a</ref><ref>''Sanhedrin'' 76a</ref>. |
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==Forbidden relationships== |
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The bible prohibits relationships between certain kinds of people, forming rules which were later ''clarified'', expanded, and added to by the Talmud, as well as by [[Karaite]] leaders. |
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===In the Bible=== |
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{{main|Forbidden relationships in the Bible}} |
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Historically, most tribal nations disliked [[exogamy|exogamous marriage]] - marriage to completely unrelated people<ref name="JewEncInce">{{Jewish Encyclopedia|article=Incest|url=http://www.jewishencyclopedia.com/view.jsp?letter=I&artid=126}}</ref>. The [[Torah]] criticises<ref>{{bibleverse||Genesis|24:2-4|}}</ref><ref>{{bibleverse||Genesis||26:34-35|}}</ref> and forbids<ref>{{bibleverse||Deuteronomy|7:3|}}</ref> intermarriage with a [[Canaanite]], and [[Ezra]] later definitively [[Interfaith marriage#In the Bible, its translations, and apocrypha|extended the rule to forbid intermarriage between a Jew and any non-Jew]]<ref>{{bibleverse||Ezra|10:10-11|}}</ref><ref>{{bibleverse||Nehemiah|10:31|}}</ref>. |
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However, it was also possible to be too closely related, and the [[Holiness Code]] (twice), and the [[Deuteronomic Code]] (once), list [[Incest in the Bible|relationships which they regard as incestuous, and forbidden]]. These prohibit most [[kinship]] relations involving just one degree of [[affinity (law)|affinity]] or of [[consanguinity]], except for a relationship between a man and his own daughter<ref>{{bibleverse||Leviticus|18:7-11|}}</ref><ref>{{bibleverse||Leviticus|20:11-21|}}</ref><ref>{{bibleverse||Deuteronomy|22:30|}}</ref><ref>{{bibleverse||Deuteronomy|27:20-23|}}</ref>; the [[Talmud]] explains the absence of a biblical prohibition against the latter as being due to its ''obviousness''<ref>Yebamot 3a</ref>. Apart from the questionable case of a man marrying his daughter, the result is roughly the same as the rules followed in early [[pre-Islamic Arabia|(pre-Islamic) Arabic]] culture<ref name="JewEncInce" />. |
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[[kohen|Israelite priests]] were subject to additional restrictions; the [[Holiness Code]] of [[Leviticus]] forbids them from marriage to a divorcee, or to a prostitute (Hebrew: ''zonah''<ref>[[Blue Letter Bible]], [http://cf.blueletterbible.org/lang/lexicon/lexicon.cfm?Strongs=H02181&t=kjv Lexicon results for ''zanah'' (Strong's H2181)], incorporating [[Strong's concordance]] (1890) and [[Gesenius]]'s Lexicon (1857)</ref>)<ref>{{bibleverse||Leviticus|21:7|}}</ref>. The [[masoretic text]] mentions the term ''dishonoured''<ref>for the translation of the latter word as ''dishonoured'', {{EncyclopaediaBiblica|article=profane|section=Praetorium-Prophet (False)}}</ref> (Hebrew:''halala''; literally ''profaned'') as part of this prohibition, but it is uncertain whether this is merely part of the reference to prostitutes<ref>translations including the [[New International Version]] take this view</ref>, as suggested by the [[septuagint]]'s rendering<ref>[http://sacred-texts.com/bib/sep/lev021.htm Leviticus 21, LXX]</ref>, or whether it refers to a distinct class of person<ref>translations including the [[King James Version]] take this view</ref>. As for the [[kohen Gadol|Israelite high priest]], the Holiness Code demands that he must only marry a [[virgin]] ''of his own people''<ref>{{bibleverse||Leviticus|21:13|}}</ref><ref name="Lev2114">{{bibleverse||Leviticus|21:14|}}</ref>, spelling out that this forbids marriage to a widow, in addition to those people which an ordinary priest may not marry<ref name="Lev2114" />. |
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As a [[polygyny|polygynous]]<!--this is NOT a spelling mistake for 'polygamous'--> society, the Israelites did not exhibit any laws which imposed marital fidelity on men<ref name="CheyneAndBlackJeal">{{EncyclopaediaBiblica|article=Jealousy, Ordeal of|section=Jannaeus-Jerah}}</ref><ref>{{Jewish Encyclopedia|article=Adultery|url=http://www.jewishencyclopedia.com/view.jsp?letter=A&artid=865}}</ref>. [[Adultery|Adulterous]] married women, and adulterous betrothed women, however, were subject to the [[death penalty]], by [[Adultery#In the Hebrew Bible|the biblical laws against adultery]], as were their male accomplices<ref>{{bibleverse||Ezekiel|16:40|}}</ref><ref>{{bibleverse||Leviticus|20:10|}}</ref><ref>{{bibleverse||Deuteronomy|22:22-25|}}</ref>. According to the [[Priestly Code]] of the [[Book of Numbers]], if a pregnant<ref>''[[Peake's commentary on the Bible]]'' ad loc</ref> woman was suspected of adultery, she was to be subjected to the [[Ordeal of the bitter water|Ordeal of Bitter Water]]<ref>{{bibleverse||Numbers|5:11-31|}}</ref>, a form of [[Trial by Ordeal]]. Nevertheless, these legal strictnesses (against women) failed to completely suppress adultery<ref name="CheyneAndBlackJeal" />; the [[literary prophets]] indicate that it was a frequent occurrence, despite their strong protests against it<ref>{{bibleverse||Jeremiah|7:9|}}</ref><ref>{{bibleverse||Jeremiah|23:10|}}</ref><ref>{{bibleverse||Hosea|4:2|}}</ref><ref>{{bibleverse||Malachi|3:5|}}</ref>. |
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The Holiness Code also bans, under penalty of death<ref>{{bibleverse||Leviticus|20:13|}}</ref>, an act which the [[masoretic text]] refers to by the [[Hebrew language|Hebrew]] phrase ''[[mishkvei ishah|mishk'vei ishah]]''<ref>{{bibleverse||Leviticus|18:22|}}</ref> (literally ''the bed(chambers) of a woman''<ref>''The Dictionary of Classical Hebrew'', Volume 5 : ''Nun''-''Mem'', (Sheffield Academic Press, 2001), page 526</ref><ref>Daniel Boyarin, in ''Journal of the history of Sexuality'' Volume 5, pages 179-206</ref><ref>''Leviticus 18:22 and 20:13: Who is Doing What to Whom?'', in ''Journal of Biblical Literature'', 120/2 (2001) pages 201-20</ref><ref>Benjamin Cohen, in ''[[Pink News]]'', 29th September 2009 [http://www.pinknews.co.uk/2009/09/29/comment-reflections-on-yom-kippur-and-homosexuality-within-judaism/]</ref>). The exact nature of this act, which involves a man (Hebrew: ''ish'') and a 'male' (Hebrew: ''zachar''), is heavily disputed; some people think the ban prohibits all [[homosexuality]]{{cite needed}}, but many others view it merely as a reference to [[anal sex]] [[men who have sex with men|between two men]]<ref>Gareth Moore, ''A question of truth: Christianity and homosexuality'', (Continuum Books, 2003), page 81</ref><ref>Tobias Stanislas Haller, ''Reasonable and Holy: Engaging Same-Sexuality'', (Seabury Books, 2009) page 169</ref><ref>Arthur Kurzweil, ''[[For Dummies|The Torah for Dummies]]'', (Wiley Publishing, 2008) page 110</ref><ref>''The Jewish quarterly''<!--NOT Jewish Quarterly Review-->, Volume 40, (Jewish Literary Trust, 1993), page 11</ref><ref>Gregg Drinkwater, Joshua Lesser, David Shneer, Judith Plaskow, ''Torah Queeries: Weekly Commentaries on the Hebrew Bible'', page 157</ref><ref>Patricia Beattie Jung, Ralph F. Smith, ''Heterosexism: an ethical challenge'', (State University press, 1993), page 71</ref>. |
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===Later laws and rulings=== |
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{{main|Forbidden relationships in Judaism}} |
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In addition to the intimate relationships forbade by the Torah, both [[Karaite Judaism]] and [[Rabbinic Judaism]] forbid a number of other relationships. In the bible, marriage is treated as if it were<!--subjunctive--> an act of purchase<ref name="JewEncMar">{{Jewish Encyclopedia|article=marriage|url=http://www.jewishencyclopedia.com/view.jsp?letter=M&artid=213}}</ref><ref name="CheyneAndBlackMar">{{EncyclopaediaBiblica|article=marriage|section=Manius-Mash}}</ref>, and was thus seen in Jewish tradition as a civil transaction, requiring the consent of the contracting parties<ref name="JewEncMarLaw" />. Like many cultures and nations, the ''[[insane]]'' (Hebrew: ''shoteh'') were not regarded as having [[Moral agency in Judaism|moral agency, in Judaism]]<ref name="JewEncIns">{{Jewish Encyclopedia|article=Insanity|url=http://www.jewishencyclopedia.com/view.jsp?artid=149&letter=I&search=insanity}}</ref>, but neither had [[deaf-mute]]s (Hebrew:''heresh''), according to the Talmud<ref name="JewEncDef">{{Jewish Encyclopedia|article=Deaf and Dumb in Jewish Law|url=http://www.jewishencyclopedia.com/view.jsp?artid=176&letter=D}}</ref>; the insane were consequently forbade from marriage, by the Talmud<ref name="JewEncIns" />, though it permits deaf-mutes to marry, as long as the marriage and betrothal were conducted using some form of [[sign language]]<ref name="JewEncMarLaw" />. |
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The [[Marriagable Age in Judaism|marriageable age, in Judaism]], is highly gender-specific; girls could be betrothed (Hebrew: ''[[erusin]]'') and married (Hebrew: ''[[nissuin|nissu'in]]'') at the age of just 3<ref name="JewEncMaj">{{Jewish Encyclopedia|article=Majority|url=http://www.jewishencyclopedia.com/view.jsp?letter=M&artid=91}}</ref>, but males could not be betrothed until reaching the [[age of majority]]<ref>''Kiddushin'', 50b</ref> ([[Age of majority in Judaism|the age of majority, in Judaism]], for a male, is usually 13 years of age plus one day, but could be as late as 35 years plus one day, in certain circumstances<ref name="JewEncMaj" />). A girl younger than the age of majority could be compelled to marry against her will, although in many circumstances she also had the right to an subsequently annul the marriage, by mere declaration (Hebrew: ''mi'un'', literally meaning ''refusal''/''denial''/''protest'')<ref name="JewEncMiu">{{Jewish Encyclopedia|article=Miun|url=http://www.jewishencyclopedia.com/view.jsp?letter=M&artid=669}}</ref>; distaste for such annulment eventually lead to the heavy suppression of [[Child marriage in Judaism]]<ref name="JewEncMiu" /><ref>''Yebamot'' 109a</ref>. |
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In addition to the kinship between which the bible forbids marriage, [[Jewish views of incest|the classical rabbis prohibited marriage between a man and certain other relations]]<ref name="Yeb21a">''Yebamot'' 21a</ref>; these latter kin are referred to in Judaism as ''seconds'' (Hebrew: ''sheniyyot''), and included a grandfather's wife, and a grandson's wife<ref name="TosYeb23">''Yebamot'' ([[Tosefta]]) 2:3</ref>, although there is some debate as to who else might be included<ref name="JewEncInce" />. Marriages forbidden in the bible were regarded by the rabbis of the Middle Ages as invalid - as if they had never occurred<ref name="EbenezerSA">''[[Shulchan Aruch|Shulchan 'Aruk]]'', ''Eben ha-'Ezer'', 16, 1</ref> - while marriage between a man and one of his ''seconds'' was merely wicked; children born as a result of the latter class of marriage were regarded as legitimate, but those born due to the former were seen as [[mamzer|bastards]]<ref name="EbenezerSA" />. |
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[[Interfaith marriage in Judaism|In Judaism, interfaith marriage]] was historically looked upon with very strong disfavour by Jewish leaders, and it remains an enormously controversial issue. Although most of the [[Talmud]]ic writers concede that the Deuteronomic law referred only to marriage to Canaanites, they themselves still forbade marriage with the other nationalities<ref>''Kiddushin'' 68b</ref>. They did not, however, include marriage to [[Christianity|Christians]], or to a [[convert to Judaism]], in this restriction<ref>''Berakhot'' 28a</ref><ref>''Kiddushin'' 5:4 (Tosefta)</ref><ref>''Shulchan 'Aruk'', ''Eben ha-'Ezer'' 4:10</ref><ref>[[Isaac ben Sheshet]], ''Responsa'', No. 119</ref><ref name="JewEncInter">{{Jewish Encyclopedia|article=Intermarriage|url=http://www.jewishencyclopedia.com/view.jsp?letter=I&artid=163}}</ref>; in 1844, the [[Rabbinical Conference of Brunswick]] went further, permitted Jews to marry ''any adherent of a monotheistic religion'', as long as any children of the marriage would be able to be brought up as Jewish<ref name="JewEncInter" />. |
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The [[Deuteronomic Code]] prohibits certain men from taking part in the ''[[qahal]] of [[Yahweh]]''; the ''qahal'' was a subset of the wider'' 'edah''<ref>{{bibleverse||Leviticus|4:13-14|}}</ref><ref name="CheyneAndBlackAss">{{EncyclopaediaBiblica|article=assembly|section=Asaramel-Assyria}}</ref>, although both these [[Hebrew language|Hebrew]] terms (and several others) are usually translated into [[English language|English]] simply as ''congregation'' or ''assembly''<ref name="CheyneAndBlackAss" />. The men excluded from this rule included those who have been [[spadone|forcibly emasculated]], and those who were ''[[mamzer]]s''<ref name="Deu2324">{{bibleverse||Deuteronomy|23:2-4}} (verses 1-3 in some English translations)</ref>. [[Talmud]]ic writers interpreted the prohibition as a rule against ordinary Jews marrying such people<ref name="JewEncMarLaw" />. |
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Agreeing that the bible forbade priests from marrying divorcees and prostitutes, the Talmudic writers interpreted the biblical reference to ''dishonoured'' (Hebrew: ''halala'') as a distinct category of women forbade from marrying priests. In their view this latter category included any woman who had been [[rape]]d ([[spousal rape|by someone other than her husband]])<ref>''Yebamot'' 56b</ref>, any [[The Bible and slavery|women captured during warfare]] (unless it could be proven that they had not been assaulted)<ref>''Ketubot'' 22a</ref><ref>''Ketubot'' 27a</ref>, and any widow who had performed the [[Halitzah]] ceremony<ref>''Yebamot'' 24a</ref>. Although the first century destruction of the [[temple in Jerusalem]] made the priesthood redundant, the rabbis of the Middle Ages imposed these regulations on all men who claim to be descended from such priests<ref>[[Jacob ben Asher]], ''[[Even Ha'ezer|Eben ha-'Ezer]]'', 6, 7</ref>. |
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==Social intercourse== |
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From the Biblical accounts of the romances between [[Rachel]] and [[Jacob]]<ref>{{bibleverse||Genesis|29:9-12|}}</ref><ref>{{bibleverse||Genesis|29:18|}}</ref>, and that of [[David]] and [[Michal]]<ref>{{bibleverse|1|Samuel|18:20|}}</ref><ref>{{bibleverse|1|Samuel|18:28|}}</ref>, it appears that there was comparatively free social intercourse between men and women, in early Israelite society<ref name="JewEncMar" />; thus it was possible for a man and woman to meet naturally, and form a mutual attachment, before a marriage had been decided upon<ref name="JewEncMar" />. However, the Talmud includes a series of rules, known as ''[[tzeniut]]'', which restrict social association between men and women<ref name="JewEncMarCer" />; as a result, there were few opportunities for men to meet potential brides in Jewish society<ref name="JewEncMarCer" />. The tzeniut segregation rules died out, in practice, after [[the enlightenment]], except among a few Jewish communities such as those of [[Orthodox Judaism]] (a minority within modern Judaism as a whole). |
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===Match making=== |
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{{main|Shidduch}} |
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Segregation between [[the sexes]], in combination with the rules against marriage between certain individuals, make it comparatively difficult for an individual to find a suitable spouse; this lead to the use of a professional match-maker, known as a ''shadkan''<ref name="JewEncMarCer" /> (literally ''matcher''; some modern-Hebrew vocalisations spell this as ''shadchan''{{cite needed}}). Rabbis, on account of their trusted social position (among Jews), were often employed as a ''shadkan''<ref name="JewEncMarCer" />. The ''shadkan'' received a "brokerage-fee" fixed by local Jewish custom, which was typically a small percentage of the dowry - doubled if the suggested bride and groom lived far apart<ref name="JewEncMarCer" />; there was no particular tradition about when the fee was paid, or who paid it (the cost might even be split bride and groom)<ref name="JewEncMarCer" />. |
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It was a sufficiently lucrative profession for the ''shadkan'' to be able to live on the fees derived from it<ref name="JewEncMarCer" />. But this is not to say that it was an easy task; it was argued that even God finds the task difficult<ref name="JewEncMar" />, a task which the talmud claims that God carried out for each child, forty days before it was born<ref>''Sotah'' 2a</ref><ref>''Sanhedrin'' 22a</ref>. A [[midrash]], expressing this sentiment, tells the [[parable]] of a Roman matron who encountered a rabbi, the latter claiming that God arranged all marriages<ref name="GenRab6834">''[[Genesis Rabbah]]'', 68:3-4</ref>; the matron argued that she had the ability herself, and, for the sake of demonstration, paired off all of her slaves, but each subsequently returned to her with complaint about the partner they had been given<ref name="GenRab6834" />. |
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==Engagement== |
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The descriptions of marriages in the early parts of the bible<ref>{{bibleverse||Genesis|24|}}</ref><ref>{{bibleverse||Genesis|34:4-6|}}</ref> appear to suggest that it was customary for the groom's parents to be the ones which formally make the proposal<ref name="JewEncMar" />. In later tradition, an [[engagement]] was not regarded as strictly necessary, and Jews would sometimes be betrothed without ever having been engaged. The Talmud, and the rabbis of the Middle Ages, however, regard it as inappropriate to marry without having had an engagement first, and would punish anyone who did so (the marriage itself, however, was still regarded as being valid)<ref>''Kiddushin'' 12b</ref><ref>Jacob ben Asher, ''Eben ha-'Ezer'', 26, 4</ref>. |
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In a few areas, it is traditional for a formal ceremony to form part of the engagement. For example, among the [[Cochin Jews]], the couple are taken before the elders of the community, and the groom is asked by the eldest elder whether he consents to the union<ref name="RinMaShEng">Salomon Rinman, ''Mas'ot Shelomoh'', 1884</ref>; the traditional answer (if he consents) is to say ''the will of my parents is my will'', if his parents are alive, or to say ''I desire her'' if not<ref name="RinMaShEng" />. In these Cochin communities, the bride is also asked the same question, with the same traditions applying concerning the response<ref name="RinMaShEng" />. Here, if both bride and groom consent, the eldest elder takes a cup of wine and drinks to the pair's health, as then do the others present<ref name="RinMaShEng" />; this is followed there by coffee and biscuits (or other confectionary)<ref name="RinMaShEng" />. |
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==See also== |
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*[[Jewish views of marriage]] |
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*[[Erusin]] (betrothal) |
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*[[Nissuin]] (the act of marriage) |
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*[[Shidduch]] (match-making) |
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==References== |
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{{reflist|2}} |
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{{Jewish life}} |
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[[Category:Hebrew words and phrases]] |
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[[Category:Intimate relationships]] |
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[[Category:Jewish marital law]] |
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[[Category:Dating]] |
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[[Category:Marriage]] |
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Revision as of 18:50, 15 February 2010
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