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Infobox
- merely a sugestion: could contain some more parameters like alt-text (not mandatory and a pain to formulate but useful), origin (Phoenixville, see below), associated acts (people he played with), and url
Lead
- Splinter Cell needs disambiguation to the actual game he scored
- do marriage and kid in the third sentence belong into the lead? unless they are linked to his notability they should imo be removed
- I think needs comma directly before "after a brief stint working in civil engineering"
- the next "after performing" should be handled the same for consistency
- "moved into music composition in 1995" - where does 1995 come from? in the infobox it's 1997, from the game Vigilance I guess
- While vigilance came out in 1997, he joined the video game company (Tsunami) in late 1995 as a composer. It's my fault, somehow the ref for the statement in "career" got left off. --PresN 17:50, 25 January 2010 (UTC)[reply]
- "Video Games Live" needs not be in italics because it is a concert tour
- "soon to be succeeded by his soundtrack" - "soon" is vague
- "Several of his soundtracks, ..." - vague, why not "he won awards for ..."
Biography
Early life
- Why is the section named "Biography", isn't the article the biography? "Early life" and "Career" are fine names for proper sections imo
- no information on birthdate or at least birth year or decade (via age), birthplace anywhere? http://docs.newsbank.com/g/GooglePM/PI/lib00186,11213D0ECB9B11C0.html aka Philadelphia Inquirer says "Jack Wall, a Phoenixville native, has 250 scores of game music under his ...", so that's his origin
- "At the same time, however, ..." - what's the use of "however", is there a contrast?
- "enjoyed music from an early age" - not in source, source says he was in a rock band when he was younger not that he loved music as a kid
- "one day" - vague, unencyclopedic
- "After a brief stint as a bartender" - length of work not in the source
- before 1991 he worked in the Skyline Studios, which could be included
- one could specify "artists" as "musicians", since they didn't do painting etc. (the same in the lead)
- "spent a great deal of time working with" - why not shorter, like "consistently worked with"
- "eventually handling arrangement and orchestration of Cale's compositions as well as producing and working as a sound engineer" - can't read that from the source, please help find where it is
- Same source- "You have to understand that over the course of three years John kept giving me more and more responsibilities, to the point where I was producing live recordings of orchestras he was working with and he would have me arrange and orchestrate various parts of recording for him, like I would be arranging vocals." The sound engineering is what he had been doing originally, it's the preceding 10 or so paragraphs in the source. --PresN 17:18, 25 January 2010 (UTC)[reply]
- "jump in" unencyclopedic, can be removed and sentence makes as much sense
- "himself" is redundant
- perhaps add that he produced local bands while working with Cale
Career
- image - is he the conductor? otherwise the image adds nothing to the article
- "She was friends with Ron Martinez ..." - more like "She knew Ron Martinez ..." according to source
- "Of course we said 'Yes,'" (source) as opposed to "[she] convinced him" (article) - needs clarification
- "He went on to compose ..." - what's the difference to "He composed ..."?
- "Over the next few years" - "few" is vague, can be removed
- "... he composed the soundtracks to seven more video games." - how is this counted? the six mentioned in the article include Vigilance, but the "more" suggests it's not counted here, and Myst 3 doesn't seem included either
- it's not in the source that he composed for Myst 3 in 2001 and I don't believe it's clear because the game was released May 2001, which imo makes at least 2000 a possibility as well
- "real orchestra" - "real" not clear from the context, the article says it was his first orchestral score and says he orchestrated for Cale before (it's in the lead as "real orchestra" as well)
- "work that he feels put him on the map " - "feels" is unencylopedic, I suggest reformulating with "he said" or something else
- "personally interesting" - there is no "impersonally interesting" so "personally" is redundant
- "Myst III was also the first work" - why the "also"?
- "... nominated for an award, that of the Academy of Interactive Arts & Sciences 'Outstanding Achievement in Original Music Composition' award, ..." - reformulation necessary, sentence weird; the award also has an article
- "though it lost" - "which" would be enough since it's not some kind of plot twist
- the award was given to Tropico for the 5th annual awards according to the website
- "In 2002, Wall became one of around 20 co-founders of the Game Audio Network Guild (G.A.N.G.) as well as senior director." - year, number of 20 not in source (consider using http://www.webcitation.org/5n1mBWjfz - the current link doesn't work) (number 20 is also in the lead)
- Again, it's my fault- the proper ref is the GANG about page, which is the ref two sentences later, but when I inserted the statement about him being director and the associated ref, part of that sentence no longer pointed to the GANG ref. Also, the Jack Wall About ref is weird- there's an archive.org link, and the site has been rebuilt as a flash page so you can still get to the info in real life but not link to it.
- I don't see "hundreds of video game music industry professionals" in the source, have I missed it?
- "Wall currently serves as vice chairman ..." - "current" should be avoided as it becomes outdated, better "as of [year]" or something, which would also allow past tense for consistency in the paragraph
- "In 2005, Wall, along with Tommy Tallarico, produced the Video Games Live concert series, which began on July 6, 2005." - 2005 is mentioned twice, redundant imo
- "take the idea of a symphonic video game music concert, the idea of which was popular in Japan" - redundant formulation
- the source doesn't say "70 shows played", but one can say "70 shows were planned for 2009" or something similar
- "Since the concert series began Wall ..." - how is the whole sentence sourced? "many" is vague
Musical style and influences
- "Wall prefers to have a collaborative approach ..." - "to have" obsolete
- "if the developers do not have one in mind" - can't find that (or something to that effect) in the source, have I missed it?
- "Wall has said that Mass Effect is his favorite soundtrack ..." - in the source he names "Myst, Probably Mass effect"
- "He is primarily interested in scoring games that are interesting, not popular, though he says that his primary concern is creating something original." - source doesn't contrast interesting with popular, and why use "though", it's informal and the source doesn't connect the two parts of the sentence in any way, so "and" is enough
- "has worked with both live orchestras and synthetic orchestras" - "both" is redundant
- "synthetic orchestra" - it's not called that in the article, it's "electronic gear with lots of great sounds and music production tools", which may not mean a whole artificial orchestra, but that's a minor thing provided "synthetic orchestra" is a word widely used/understood
References
- "Annual Game Awards" should be "Annual Gang Awards" per the title on the site (the website title is indeed different, which is weird)
- Newspaper names should be in italics
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- There's the |work= parameter or one can add italics manually. Hekerui (talk) 19:03, 25 January 2010 (UTC)[reply]
External links
Other
- perhaps additional info on life and work could be gleaned from the articles in the Google News archives, and a lot could possibly be sourced without relying heavily on the IGN interview and official websites etc.
- Unfortunately, it doesn't look like it- he never talks/gets asked about his early life in interviews. That Phoenixville thing was the most useful, and we got lucky that it was in the free preview section as I don't have a news archive subscription to read most of the newspaper articles. --PresN 19:22, 25 January 2010 (UTC)[reply]
- "big-name title debut" what does "big-name" mean?
- I honestly don't know what it means: is Myst big, is Presto Studios big, was the budget big, it's not sourced so there's no context
- did he work as a producer in Philadelphia and Boston? the source only says he worked in the studio and later talks about him being an assistant to a sound engineer in NYC and how he "spent years sitting in a mixing console trying to get the perfect mix", so he worked as a sound engineer
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- is there a source for the full name "Cindy Shapiro Wall"?
- how do we know the company was called Tsunami? is that the same as Tsunami Games, which has an article?
- it's not in the source that it's Tsunami, and to prove that this was the company, at least a source for Vigilance being from Tsunami should be found; this source says "Developer: PostLinear Entertainment"
- where is it sourced that he recorded "The Mark of Kri and Unreal II: The Awakening"?
- I was asking because as it is now the statement is attributed to the citation that follows, which doesn't contain the info. One could provide a source or, if not, at least disentangle the sentences.
I will put the article on hold until the issues are addressed. Hekerui (talk) 00:33, 25 January 2010 (UTC)[reply]
- Alright, I think I got everything you mentioned above. Thanks for putting up with my atrocious grammar and wording, and thanks for such an in-depth review! --PresN 19:22, 25 January 2010 (UTC)[reply]
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b (MoS): 