Talk:Jerry Voorhis/GA1

GA Review

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Hello, I will review the article. I will try to get it done in the next few days. Hekerui (talk) 21:45, 26 March 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Thank you. Could you keep the article in citation style? Moving it to cite style makes it inconsistent with other Nixon-related articles that I'm working on and so I have to change formats when I bring references across.--Wehwalt (talk) 19:52, 27 March 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Review

Hi, sorry for the delay in reviewing. I would have reverted the citation style but you already did it yourself, you disliked it that much. It's difficult to check all the sources but judging from what I read from the books on Google books it's unproblematic. A really nice article, here are some comments and suggestions to address before I pass it:

General comments:

Please add persondata to the article.
Done
Perhaps one could ask the California State Polytechnic University, Pomona for permission to use Voorhis' picture?
Comment I'll look into this.

General grammar/style:

Avoid informal words: several times "though" is used but can be replaced with "and".
Comment Three times. I changed the one in the lede; the other two times "though" is better since it is emphasizing contrast.
The style of "Voorhis's" or "Voorhis's" should be consistent.
"While" should only be used when emphasising that two events occur at the same time, or when emphasising contrast. It shouldn't be used as an additive link.

Specific comments:

Lead

"... which turned on the question ..." - what does that mean? "revolved around the issue" or "was decided by"?
Comment Rephrased.
disambiguate Peoria
"Jerry Voorhis began school in Ottawa, but also attended school in Oklahoma City, Peoria and Pontiac, Michigan." - I can't find this in the given source
"... attended Yale, graduating Phi Beta Kappa in ..." - link to Phi Beta Kappa or explain it as an honor society - however, what does "graduating Phi Beta Kappa" mean? His congressional bio states he graduated Yale and I can't see how Phi Beta Kappa is a degree.
Rephrased
"... pretty social worker ..." - too subjective, leave out "pretty" or add who judged this feature
"The two remained married for almost sixty years until Jerry Voorhis's death." - unnecessary, that she survived him as his wife is mentioned in "Later life".
Struck
"... and giving religious talks in the school's chapel each morning, before spending ..." - he talked each morning? Was it an all week school?
Comment According to Bullock, it was a boarding school. What they would probably call a "home".
consider adding his work as a cowboy in Wyoming from the congressional biography.
Comment Bullock doesn't mention this in his biography. I'm suspicious that it may have been Voorhis puffing his blue collar career. If he did, it was strictly a sidelight to his work founding the orphanage.
"boys' academy" - usually these academies are called "boys academies" without the apostrophe, consider changing
"In 1928, he founded and served as headmaster of Voorhis School for Boys ..." - didn't his father start the school?
Comment No. He bought the land and bankrolled the place.
"Charles and Jerry Voorhis would pour much of the family fortune ..." - does that suggest waste or that they went poor over the school? if not, how about using "put"?

Comment There was no way it could ever meet expenses, since there were no tuition paying students, it was effectively an orphanage. There were hopes that sales of produce and the like would defray expenses, but that didn't help much. Charles Voorhis eventually donated the land and buildings to a local college, after Jerry was elected. I don't think they went poor over it, but all the sources on Voorhis mention that a considerable portion of his inheritance went there. Maybe if he hadn't done this, he would have had more money for his congressional races, though I don't think he took Nixon seriously until it was too late. I'll make that change to "put".

"... gave lectures at Pomona College ..." - state when he began this work, it's in the congressional bio
"He began publishing articles." - short, choppy sentence, perhaps merge with next sentence
"... ardent New Dealer ..." - is this a direct quote? consider linking New Deal again
Yes it is, it is from the NY Times obit, still I've rephrased it because it is a bit much.

Political career Congressional service

"... consigned to third place." - unnecessarily complicated, "... coming in third place." would do
"... supported most New Deal initiatives, even supporting Franklin Roosevelt's controversial court packing scheme." - second "supporting" is repetitive, "even" can be made into "and" because "controversial" states the perception already, and the article on the subject states that opponents described it as a "plan" and I think this is clearer because scheme suggests something secret what a bill in Congress is not - I suggest: "... New Deal initiatives, including Franklin Roosevelt's controversial court packing plan."
"75th Congress" - perhaps wikilink to 75th United States Congress
"... until the President's advisers changed his mind ..." - an adviser cannot change someone else's mind, he can only convince the person change it, I suggest rewording
Reworded
"Federal securities" - is federal capitalized? also, perhaps securities to securities
"runup" - it's run-up and not runup (I checked with MS Word and an online dictionary)
"Neutrality Act" - consider wikilinking
oil depletion - consider wikilinking
It would show as a redlink. I looked, and I am not competent to write even a stub on this.
No, there is a whole article on this already: oil depletion
Ah yes, I had checked "oil depeletion allowance". Linked.
"... Voorhis was tipped off by a Pasadena attorney ..." - informal, consider simply "informed"
"A petroleum industry journal blamed the defeat of the bill on Voorhis." - as other paper names are mentioned, consider naming the journal
That's done, it is named in the notes to Morris's book.
"Roger Morris suggests ..." - should be past tense

Comment Everything from here up is done. I think the remaining uses of "while" are appropriate ones.

Record and campaigns

"... the Communists." - consider using "communism", and wikilinking it, unless he disliked a particular group of Communists, which should then be mentioned

I did change it to Communism, however, as "Communist Party" is linked in the lede, I think that should do.

"would say of him" - simply write "stated", "saying" is problematic, especially for a newspaper
"The press nicknamed him "Kid Atlas", carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders." - wikilink "Atlas" to Atlas (mythology) and use a word to connect the sentence: "... nicknamed him 'Kid Atlas', for carrying the weight ..."
"Voorhis' 12th district was Republican territory" - perhaps say "leaned Republican", "territory" is informal (as if one is talking about newly discovered land or animals in a natural documentary)
"... embarrassed even the Republicans." - informal tone, I suggest "was considered an embarrassment by Republicans"
"... never neglecting a birth, anniversary, or in-district event." - source doesn't state it that strong, it says he remembered the dates and that he seldomly passed by opportunities for some selected events, I suggest rewording

Comment everything from here up is now done.

1946 campaign

Nixon pictue: left-aligned images should not be placed at the start of subsections according to Wikipedia:Manual of Style#Images. I don't mean to be picky and it's not strictly GA, but it's easy to put Nixon to the right[1]
"... deemed likely to be re-elected in 1946, ..." - by whom?
"... searched for a candidate to take him on." - "take him on" is informal and possibly repetition, because a candidate from the opposing party is not searched for for any other reason
"... to the press of Congressional business ..." - what is press, pressure?
- Comment It's a legitimate phrase, see for example here. It means Voorhis did not have time to go home and campaign.
"Nixon's defeat of Voorhis has been cited as the start of a number of red-baiting campaigns ..." - the last two sentences of the paragraph concern campaign strategy and are fine, but the first two are an analysis of the outcome and should be placed after the actual statement of Nixon winning
consider adding a Nixon thimble picture from the Clerk of the House website as an illustration
"The damage was done, and ..." - subjective analysis that is not pointed out to be a direct quotation - it should be removed, the rest of the sentence is fine
"linked with 'the PAC'" - "the PAC" not necessary, just P.A.C. is enough, th explanation was given shortly before - however, if taken as a direct quote a source should be added
I have it this way to show how the Nixon campaign blurred the distinction between the CIO-PAC and the NCPAC. They tried, apparently successfully, to make it all "the PAC". I think it should stay as is.
"... Time magazine praised him ..." - the article is about Voorhis and Voorhis is mentioned in the sentence so one could understand this as a reference to Voorhis without reading the source, therefore I suggest spelling out "... Time magazine praised Nixon ..." to make the irony obvious

Comment I don't know what Time was thinking. Anyway, everything from here on up is done, with the comments as indicated. Later life

"League's Chicago headquarters" - doesn't one use "of" when describing objects or institutions? I just wonder, this is no major issue.
I don't understand this.
Group Health Association of America, National Association of Housing Cooperatives - consider creating redlinks in case someone wants to create accompanying articles
"... won the Democratic poll, knocking Zetterberg out of the race ..." - informal
"occaisonally" -> "occasionally"
"... advisory boards.[]In addition"" - add space before "in addition"
the list of books should have an "and" before the last item - or perhaps remove the book list, because it's all in a seperate bibliography section
"retirement home" - described as a "nursing home" in the lead, I think these are two different things

Notes

use |format=PDF in the citation to include the format
dates such as "September 12, 1984" should be changed to "1984-09-12" etc. to be consistent with the rest of the dates

Hekerui (talk) 00:03, 29 March 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Thanks, I'll work on this. I don't particularly like or dislike cite v. citation, and I appreciate your efforts. I will ask Cal Poly Pomona if they have free use photos of Voorhis, but that may take a while. The rest I'll get done over this weekend. Thank you very much for your hard work.--Wehwalt (talk) 00:08, 29 March 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Incidently, I own a Nixon thimble, bought off eBay, thought it would make a good photo, seems it isn't necessary.--Wehwalt (talk) 00:39, 29 March 2009 (UTC)[reply]

And one thing more. I've noticed discrepencies between the Congressional bio and "real life". It may have been written on info supplied by Voorhis, suspect it was. It does NOT mention the Hotchkiss School, for example, because, I think, going to an elite private school was not the blue collar image Voorhis later wanted. So I am taking it with caution. The Bullock bio, even though slightly hagiographic, is the better source.--Wehwalt (talk) 00:43, 29 March 2009 (UTC)[reply]

That's everything. Let me pull together where I disagree with your points:

I don't find any evidence of Voorhis working as a cowboy in the Bullock book, or any other source besides the CongBio, so prefer not to use it.
I kept a couple of "whiles" and "thoughs" I think are proper.
I think the way I have "the PAC" illustrates to the reader better the way Nixon sought to conflate the two organizations.
I'm not clear what you are referring to on the "of" before organizations. Can you explain?
"Press of Congressional business" is a legitimate phrase and it sums it up nicely, please see the non-Congress example I've cited.
I'm not entirely happy about linking to Atlas in the "Kid Atlas", as the MoS says we shouldn't link within quotes. I don't know if a nickname qualifies as a quote, and so I've linked it.

Anyhow, that is everything. I hope you will be willing to pass the article after any additional concerns you may have are addressed. Thanks!--Wehwalt (talk) 20:23, 29 March 2009 (UTC)[reply]

That's all okay, I just a few minor last changes: made Voorhis' <-> Voorhis's consistent, removed a boys' apostrophe, added a missing space in "1946Richard", changed "scheme" to "plan" (explanation above) and removed some doubled spaces between sentences - they don't appear anyway. Overall:

GA review (see here for criteria)

It is reasonably well written.
a (prose): b (MoS):
It is factually accurate and verifiable.
a (references): b (citations to reliable sources): c (OR):
It is broad in its coverage.
a (major aspects): b (focused):
It follows the neutral point of view policy.
Fair representation without bias:
It is stable.
No edit wars etc.:
It is illustrated by images, where possible and appropriate.
a (images are tagged and non-free images have fair use rationales): b (appropriate use with suitable captions):
Overall:
Pass/Fail:

Passed. Good work! Hekerui (talk) 21:18, 29 March 2009 (UTC)[reply]