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Talk:Takayuki Yagami/GA1

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GA Review

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Reviewer: Aoba47 (talk · contribs) 00:13, 22 February 2020 (UTC)[reply]

Picking this up per talk page request.

Lead and infobox

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  • I do not think the note about when Judgment was released in English-speaking area is necessary. I would suggest removing it.
    • Done
  • I am uncertain if you need to include the Japanese title in the first sentence. I would actually reduce that part to something like (is a fictional character in Sega's 2018 action-adventure video game Judgment, which is a spin off to the Yakuza series.) The Judge Eyes title is an interesting fact, but it seems better suited for the main Judgment article (where it is already represented) instead of this one.
    • Done
  • I am uncertain if the uxoricide link is really need in this sentence: (Yagami is a former defense attorney who resigned after a client he successfully defended killed his partner.)
    • Done
  • For this sentence, (Three years later, Yagami is a private detective who is investigating a serial killer who gouges out his victims' eyes.), I would having two "who" phrases. I would suggest something like the following revision: (Three years later, Yagami is a private detective and is investigating a serial killer who gouges out his victims' eyes).
  • I was confused when I read the lead's second paragraph. I am completely unfamiliar with this series of games so it is not clear to me how Yagami is different from Kazuma Kiryu since there is no indication of what Kazuma Kiryu is like as a character. I would try to make the differentiation clearer to an unfamiliar reader like myself, but do so in a way that is concise as it is still the lead section.
  • For this sentence, (Video game journalists have praised the depth of the characterization of Yagami's backstory and actions in Judgment.), it may be beneficial to simplify it somewhat by just saying "praised Yagami's backstory and characterization in Judgement.".
  • I have two comments for this part: (Yagami is often favorably compared with Kazuma Kiryu because of the characters' similar lifestyles and fighting styles.) Is there any reason why you refer to Kazuma Kiryu by his full name again even though he is referenced in the previous paragraph? I think it would be better to go with just his last name here. I would also replace "the characters'" with "their".
    • Done.
  • For this sentence, (Kimura and Chun have also been commended for their portrayals of the character.), I do not think "also" is necessary.
    • Done
  • I am uncertain if the red link for Greg Chun is really necessary unless you are planning on creating an article about him in the near future.
    • Removed.

It will honestly take me some time to get through the full article to do a review so I will do this section-by-section. Feel free to address my comments as I go. Aoba47 (talk) 00:13, 22 February 2020 (UTC)[reply]

Creation and development

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  • The image caption does not make sense to me. You say that Toshihiro Nagoshi looked to multiple detective stories for inspiration for this character, and then named Paul Newman as an example. Newman is not a detective story so this does not add up. I would suggest revising the caption.
    • Revised
  • I find this part, (Following the release of Yakuza 6: The Song of Life, which concludes the story of Yakuza series protagonist Kazuma Kiryu,), to be rather long-winded, and I would recommend making it more concise. Something like the following could be helpful: (Since Yakuza 6: The Song of Life concluded Yakuza series protagonist Kazuma Kiryu's story,). I would remember to link (Yakuza series) as I have done in my suggestion.
    • Done
  • I have two comments for this part: (the Ryu Ga Gotoku Studio game developers wanted to create a new, distinctive character for the series.) I do not think you need both "new" and "distinctive" as it is rather repetitive. I think "distinctive" is the stronger word choice so I would eliminate "new". Also, I thought this character was made for a spin-off, and this part makes it sound like this character is being set up as the protagonist for the main series. That is rather confusing.
    • Revised
  • For this part, (the team decided the character would be a detective), I think it would be better to say "should be a detective".
  • I would clarify what movie is being referenced in this sentence if it is known: (The biggest influence was a movie starring Paul Newman who suffered a crisis similar to Yagami's in regards to his career as a layer.) Is it The Verdict?
    • It must be The Verdict but Hosokawa didn't say its title so I don't know if we could link the film.
  • I would avoid using the word "claimed" as it is done in this part: (Hosokawa claimed that).
    • Done
  • I have a few issues with this part: ("the staff wanted to portray the latter as a more relatable character based on the troubles he suffers in the narrative."). I would avoid using the latter/the former per this essay. It is not a policy, but I agree with the essay that the latter/the former is rarely if ever helpful to a reader. Also, this part, (a more relatable character based on the troubles he suffers in the narrative), is rather generic and I think can apply to literally any fictional character. Does the source specify anything in particular about these "troubles"?
    • Explained
  • I am confused by this sentence: (Yagami's past as a lawyer and his new life as a detective were elaborated in order to attract players to him.) How was Yagami's past further elaborated? Do you mean that the character was written as a former lawyer turned detective to better appeal to players? The "elaborated" word choice is really throwing me off.
  • For this part (Due to the popularity within detective stories,), it should be "popularity of detective stories".
    • Done
  • I would avoid repeating "character" in this part, (Hosokawa wanted the character Yagami to stand out but recognized creating a new character is a major challenge"), by removing the first instance as it is not necessary.
  • Done
  • Does the source provide any further information on this sentence: (The staff wanted the protagonist to have a deep connection to the city around him)?
  • Done
  • I think this sentence, (The game's friendship system was included to establish Yagami's relationships, allowing him to meet and form bonds with residents of Kamurocho.), would greatly benefit from revision. It is unclear what the friendship system is until the end of the sentence.
    • Revised
  • I have two comments for this part: (The developers used the main story to explore facets of Yagami's personality, using sidequests to please fans wanting a balance between seriousness and comedy.) I would avoid having "used"/"using" in the same sentence, and I would change "seriousness and comedy" to "drama and comedy".
  • Revised.
  • I am uncertain on what "deep" means in this context: (due to how deep the detective becomes while interacting with other non-playable characters).
    • Revised.
  • I would revise this sentence, (As a result, Hosokawa believes that the area of Kamurocho is heavily linked with Yagami so if Judgment were to get a sequel, Yagami would thus stay in the same place.), to something like the following to be more concise: (As a result, Hosokawa said Yagami is linked with Kamurocho so he would remain in the same area for a Judgement sequel.)
    • Revised.
  • My issue with this sentence, (Furthermore, in another difference Yagami has with his predecessors, he was written to be portrayed as a civilian in Kamurocho rather than a man who rarely frequents the area and thus his social life is further explored.), is that it does not really make sense to an uninformed reader like myself. I have no idea who these "predecessors" are, what they are like, and how Yagami is different. I am sure this is impactful and meaningful, but without the full context, it is not that informative.
    • Reworded
  • Move the Takuya Kimura link to this sentence: (Nagoshi also expressed doubts about the game's popularity in English-speaking countries because Takuya Kimura is not popular in Western regions.) I also have a clarification question about this. Nagoshi would know that there would an English voice actor so why does Kimura's popularity (or lack thereof) in English-speaking countries matter to him?
  • I have two issues with this part (Yagami and Kaito would again be main characters and it would be set in Kamurocho, which is iconic). One being that Kaito has not been introduced yet so just casually referring to that character here is confusing, and two being that I think "iconic" does not work here. It is far too much of an opinion or review of the game's setting, and does not fit what should be a more objective tone in this section.
    • Reworded
  • Since Kiryu's fighting style is never defined in this article, this part (The developers differentiated Yagami's fighting style from Kiryu's) really does not tell me much as an uninformed reader.
    • Removed. There sure isn't too much to talk about Yagami's fighting style.

These are my final comments for today. Apologies for the amount of comments, but I think this section can be improved more. Aoba47 (talk) 01:04, 22 February 2020 (UTC)[reply]

Voice actors

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  • The image caption (Takuya Kimura voices Yagami in Japanese.) feels strange incomplete. I think something like (Takuya Kimura is the Japanese voice actor for Yagami) would be better.
    • Revised
  • I have two comments about this sentence: (Nagoshi was surprised when Kimura was chosen but also excited to see how he would portray the twists Yagami experiences during the story.) Since the previous sentence uses "chose", I would replace "chosen" here with something else, like "picked" or "hired", for variation. Also, does the source expound further of these "twists"? Since the reader has only been introduced to a small portion of the story in the lead at this point, this part is rather vague.
    • Revised. It sure was big.
  • I am confused by this sentence (Nagoshi was afraid audiences would accuse them of toning down the character if Kimura disapproved of their ideas but Kimura was open to their suggestions and worked with the developers to hone the character.) I was under the impression that this is an original character made for this game, so since an audience would not have a point of comparison, then how could there be accusations of toning down the character? Also, is there a way to not repeat Kimura twice in the same sentence.
    • Fixed.
  • For this part (a line spoken by the character he played in the 1997 TV drama), it should be "television drama" not "TV drama".
    • Fixed
  • For this part (something the localization team believed they succedded at), succeeded is spelled incorrectly. Aoba47 (talk) 04:09, 22 February 2020 (UTC)[reply]
    • Fixed.

@Aoba47: Thanks for reviewing the article.Tintor2 (talk) 15:39, 22 February 2020 (UTC)[reply]

Plot summary

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  • I would remove the top link to the Judgement article as everything should be clearly explained here.
    • Done
  • This part, (his father proves the innocence of an accused murderer and the victim's father kills both attorney and client in retribution), reads rather awkwardly and would benefit from revision.
    • Done
  • The information is good so I would keep it in the article rather than removing it altogether. I would go with something like: (Takayuki Yagami is a lawyer's son who was orphaned as a teenager. His father was killed by his client after proving his innocence in an accused murder.). Aoba47 (talk) 01:56, 23 February 2020 (UTC)[reply]
Readded. For some reason, Yagami never talks about his family but it is Kaito the one who mentions them. Guess they aimed this for a possible sequel subplot.
Thank you, and it is always good to have a good hook or loose plot threat for a sequel. Aoba47 (talk) 03:37, 23 February 2020 (UTC)[reply]
  • For this part (Yagami moves to the city of Kamurocho), unlink the city as it was already mentioned in a previous section, and move the link up to the first time it is mentioned in the body of the article.
    • Removed
  • For this part, (where he is taken in and raised by Yakuza patriarch Mitsugu Matsugane), I would remove "taken in" to just say "where he is raised by".
    • Removed
  • For this part (Matsugane's friend Ryuzo Genda takes an interest in Yagami; he pays for Takayuki to study at law school and later hires him to work in his law firm), I am uncertain if this (takes an interest in Yagami) is really necessary. I think if you just say the following (Matsugane's friend Ryuzo Genda pays for Takayuki to study at law school and later hires him to work in his law firm), then it is already clear to the reader that Ryuzo Genda has an interest in Yagami through these actions.
    • Revised
  • I think there is a lot missing in this part: (and soon gains recognition after proving Advanced Drug Development Center (ADDC) janitor Shinpei Okubo in case). What case are you referring to here? This part is very confusing and needs further revision.
    • Revised
  • I would clarify in this part, (In the beginning of Judgment, Okubo is arrested for stabbing his girlfriend Emi Terasawa), that the girlfriend is dead by saying "stabbing his girlfriend Emi Terasawa to death".
    • Reivsed
  • For this part, ( While helping prove Matsugane captain Kyohei Hamura innocent of murder, Yagami becomes interested in a serial murder case), I would say "serial killer case" to avoid repeating "murder" twice in the same sentence.
    • Done
  • For this part, (The murderer is nicknamed "The Mole".), is there any particular reason for the nickname?
    • Nothing in imparticular. Maybe his stealth? I didn't think it was important for Yagami's character.
  • I am confused about whether or not "The" in "The Mole" should be capitalized or not. It is capitalized here, (After The Mole kills Yagami's former colleague Masamichi Shintani), but not here, (the captain tells Yagami the Mole is Mitsuru Kuroiw). It should be consistent throughout.
    • The game uses write it in capital.
  • This is more of a clarification question, but after reading this part, (the captain tells Yagami the Mole is Mitsuru Kuroiwa, a detective in the Metropolitan Organized Crime division), I was wondering if Mitsuru Kuroiwa had appeared anytime earlier in the game. It just seems weird to have such a major reveal for a major character turn out to a completely new character that was never shown before. This could be the case, but I just wanted to clarify this.
    • Added before. Kuroiwa appears early but I didn't it was that important.
  • Again, this is a clarification question, but do we ever figure out why The Mole removes his victims' eyes? Is it somehow a part of his medical experiments?
    • The sideeffect of the drugs for Alzheimer.
  • I am still a little confused by the sentence (Each of the victims have had their eyes removed from their dead bodies as a side effect of Shono's drug), specifically "have had their eyes". From my initial impression, I thought The Mole removed his victims' eyes surgically, but this sentence make it read like their eyes were somehow removed as a "side effect" of a drug, which does not really make sense to me. Could you provide further clarification to this? Aoba47 (talk) 02:00, 23 February 2020 (UTC)[reply]

@Aoba47: All the people get injected with the drug on the streets. The eyes are removed by the drug itself rather than Kuroiwa. Hope this helps. This will be my only comments for today, but I will look through the article more tomorrow. I will most likely put up my review for the "Reception" section on Sunday and then look through the "References" section on Monday. Thank you for your patience. Aoba47 (talk) 21:04, 22 February 2020 (UTC)[reply]

Reception

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  • For this sentence, (When the character was unveiled, Indian IGN and Entertainment Focus enjoyed the character's personality and depth provided by his role in the story.), the source says IGN Indian so I would go with that instead of Indian IGN.
    • Done
  • Unlink Kazuma Kiryu in this section as it was already linked in a previous section. I do not think the "former Yakuza series protagonist" descriptive phrase is necessary either since the character was already introduced earlier in the article.
  • I do not know what "the nature of the narrative" means in this part: (his maturation would make players reflect on the nature of the narrative.)
    • Revised.
  • I am confused by a few parts of this sentence: (EGM Now stated the two are too different because despite both characters often being forced to fight enemies, Kiryu's perspective is unique and multiple games are based on his life.) I would just say "are different", because the "too different" wording makes it sound like the publication is criticizing the characters for being "too different". If possible, I would also specify what is meant "unique" in this part, (Kiryu's perspective is unique).
    • Revised
  • After reading the paragraph, I think "compared" in this topic sentence, (Several outlets compared Yagami with former Yakuza series protagonist Kazuma Kiryu.), should be changed to "contrasted" since it is more focused on the differences between the two characters rather than their similarities.
    • Done
  • I think this part (GamesRadar considered Yagami's character is one of the biggest differences between Judgment and the Yakuza games, highlighting his different worldview; the reviewer praised Yagami because he stands out both physically and mentally, which is reflected in the different types of gameplay while GameRevolution considered him more complex) needs further work for a few reasons.
    • I would separate the GameRevolution part into its own sentence and further elaborate on why they considered the character more complex.
    • Added.
    • I would clarify what is meant by "because he stands out both physically and mentally, which is reflected in the different types of gameplay" since the article does not delve into gameplay aside from the Friendship System and inclusion of sidequests.
    • Revised. I tried removing a bit the gameplay as it might count as gamecruft.
    • What is meant by "different worldview" in this part (highlighting his different worldview)?
  • Link GameSpot since I believe this is the first time it is mentioned in the article (unless I missed it elsewhere).
    • Added wikilink
  • For this part, (Another IGN writer enjoyed Yagami's actions), I would just say IGN instead of "Another IGN writer".
    • Done
  • The third paragraph has too many instances of "enjoyed" (three in total). I would cut it down to only one.
    • Revised.
  • For this part, (and that his backstory is similar to Kiryu's), I would say "too similar" to really point out that this is a critique.
  • After reading this section, I want to revisit this sentence from the lead: (Yagami is often favorably compared with Kiryu because of the characters' similar lifestyles and fighting styles.) I can see the commentary on the fighting styles, but I am uncertain on what you man by "lifestyles". Could you clarify this?
    • Revised.

Again, I hope this is helpful. I will look through the references tomorrow. Have a great end of your weekend! Aoba47 (talk) 17:51, 23 February 2020 (UTC)[reply]

References

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  • For the first reference, shouldn't there be a link for The Verge? Same for Game Revolution in Reference 3, Kotaku in Reference 4, and IGN in Reference 6. I would look through the references to make sure the websites/publishers are linked (at least on their first appearance).
    • Done
  • I would avoid having words in all capital letters per WP:SHOUTING. This would apply to References 11 and 17.
    • Done
  • Reference 22 is missing the author's name (i.e. Jenni Lada). References 9, 29, 30, 38, and 39. I would look through all of the sources that do not have authors to make sure the websites themselves do not have a byline.
    • Done. I think only one site didn't mention the username (I think it was the one who translated an Italian article)
  • References 19 and 37 are the same source.
    • Fixed
  • Reference 31 is missing the publication date. Same for Reference 32. I would also check through all of the references to make sure the initial publication dates are included if they are known.
    • Checked.

These are my final comments. I hope this is helpful. Once everything is addressed, I will pass this as a GA. Have a great rest of your weekend. Aoba47 (talk) 01:00, 24 February 2020 (UTC) @Aoba47: Thanks for the comments.Tintor2 (talk) 02:03, 24 February 2020 (UTC)[reply]

Final comments

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Thank you addressing everything. I will ✓ Pass the article now. Aoba47 (talk) 02:13, 24 February 2020 (UTC)[reply]

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