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GA Review

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Reviewer: Rationalobserver (talk · contribs) 18:05, 31 January 2015 (UTC)[reply]


Lead

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  • affiliated with Mao Zedong and his forces
There are a couple of terms in the lead that could be linked, and I think Mao is a good start.
  • He ascended through the ranks as the Red Army closed in on securing the nation.
This is a little awkward; reword.
  • Zhu was a very high ranking official
It's best to avoid empty adjectives like very, at least in encyclopedic or academic writing.

Life

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  • I think this header is redundant and could be removed altogether.

Early life

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  • sent to a classic private school in 1892
I think I know what you mean by classic, but this might be confusing to casual readers.
  • gain access to Yunnan Military Academy later on
You can drop the later on, as the succession is clear.
  • Enrolling in Sichuan high school around 1907, upon graduating in 1908 he returned to Yilong's primary school as a gym instructor.
This needs a rewording; maybe: "He enrolled in Sichuan high school around 1907, and upon graduating in 1908, he returned to Yilong's primary school as a gym instructor."

Nationalism and Warlordism

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  • At the Yunnan Military Academy, Zhu met Cai E (Tsai Ao).[10]
This seems a bit disconnected to the narrative. I recommend you combine this with the third sentence.
  • Following the death of his mentor Cai E and his own wife,
As with above, you might want to combine this point with the others to make a stronger topic sentence.
  • Zhu developed a strong opium habit
strong isn;t the best word here.
  • His troops continued to support him and he became a warlord.
This is a run-on; add a comma before and he.
  • after his troops were driven from Sichuan toward the Tibet border,
That should be "the border with Tibet" or "The Tibetan border".
  • which may have contributed to his decision to leave China for study in Europe
It would be nice if this speculative ambiguity were not in Wikipedia's voice.
  • He first travelled to Shanghai where he broke his opium habit and reportedly met Dr Sun Yat-sen.
Per WP:ALLEGED, the word reportedly should be avoided.

Converting to Communism

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  • In late 1922,[17] Zhu went to Europe,
It's odd to have a citation after this clause. Should this be at the end of the sentence?
  • Around this time he joined the Communist Party of China.[19]
This is confusing, as just a bit earlier you stated: He attempted to join the Chinese Communist Party in early 1922, but was rejected due to having been a warlord.
  • Zhou Enlai was one of his sponsors.
This might confuse a casual reader, so be sure it's clear that needed a sponsor to join.
  • lead a force against Zhou Enlai, his sponsor and Liu Bocheng's Nanchang Uprising.
The last clause confuses me.
  • However, having helped orchestrate the uprising, Zhu and his army defected from the Kuomintang.[20] The uprising failed to gather support, however,
Reword to avoid using however twice in a short span.

Zhu Mao

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  • This section is a little cluttered with images, so remove or move any that aren't especially vital.
  • Should this header have single brackets or double?
  • Mao had formed a soviet
Link soviet
  • 'Here they formed the Jiangxi Soviet which would eventually grow to cover some 30,000 square kilometers'
The second clause is non-restrictive, so it should be set off with commas.
  • however he was not able to do the same during
You need a commas after however.
  • the 1934 break out
break out should be hyphenated.

Red Army leader

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  • organized some battles.
some is a bit vague here.
  • After the Zunyi Conference,
Since you've already identified the conference, there is no need for reusing the proper name here.
  • Zhu coopered with Mao and Zhou on military affairs.
Coopered?
  • Mao supported this offensive at first
Maybe: "Initially, Mao supported this offensive" would be better.
  • While a successful campaign, Mao attributed it as the main provocation for the devastating Japanese Three Alls Policy later and used it to criticize Peng at the Lushan Conference
Try: "While a successful campaign, Mao 'later attributed it as the main provocation for the devastating Japanese Three Alls Policy and used it to criticize Peng at the Lushan Conference"

Later life

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  • In 1949 Zhu was named Commander-in-Chief of the People's Liberation Army (PLA); thus posterity regards him as a principal founder of the PLA.[40]
The second clause strikes me as a non sequitur.
  • The first paragraph of this section is a little jarring, with too many In 1949, In 1951, In 1955 type introductory clauses. Try to smoothen this out so it flows better.
  • He just gave some mild criticisms of Peng
Reword this so it's tone is encyclopedic, rather that colloquial.
  • The last four sentences use the word death too often. Also, avoid the one-sentence paragraph that ends the section.

Sourcing

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  • I'm not sure what's going on with note 4. Notes 5 and 24 are to dead links, so either you need to find a working link or replace them as citations.
  • Tidy the format of your references, which is oddly just one.
Addressed all of this. Thanks for reviewing insofar. QatarStarsLeague (talk) 01:44, 5 February 2015 (UTC)[reply]

The source for Note 42 has nothing about his "overseeing" the PLA during the Korean War. Also, Answers.com is not exactly a reliable source. — Preceding unsigned comment added by 2600:4040:2115:6E00:884:A31F:75FC:5519 (talk) 00:01, 17 August 2023 (UTC)[reply]

Conclusion

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This article is well-written, verifiable, neutral, and stable. Its coverage is broad, and, where appropriate, it is illustrated with images. I am happy to pass this GAN; nice job! Rationalobserver (talk) 15:54, 6 February 2015 (UTC)[reply]

Thanks a million! QatarStarsLeague (talk) 18:49, 10 February 2015 (UTC)[reply]