Talk:Zhu De/GA2
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Reviewer: Rationalobserver (talk · contribs) 18:05, 31 January 2015 (UTC)
Lead
[edit]- affiliated with Mao Zedong and his forces
- There are a couple of terms in the lead that could be linked, and I think Mao is a good start.
- He ascended through the ranks as the Red Army closed in on securing the nation.
- This is a little awkward; reword.
- Zhu was a very high ranking official
- It's best to avoid empty adjectives like very, at least in encyclopedic or academic writing.
Life
[edit]- I think this header is redundant and could be removed altogether.
Early life
[edit]- sent to a classic private school in 1892
- I think I know what you mean by classic, but this might be confusing to casual readers.
- gain access to Yunnan Military Academy later on
- You can drop the later on, as the succession is clear.
- Enrolling in Sichuan high school around 1907, upon graduating in 1908 he returned to Yilong's primary school as a gym instructor.
- This needs a rewording; maybe: "He enrolled in Sichuan high school around 1907, and upon graduating in 1908, he returned to Yilong's primary school as a gym instructor."
Nationalism and Warlordism
[edit]- At the Yunnan Military Academy, Zhu met Cai E (Tsai Ao).[10]
- This seems a bit disconnected to the narrative. I recommend you combine this with the third sentence.
- Following the death of his mentor Cai E and his own wife,
- As with above, you might want to combine this point with the others to make a stronger topic sentence.
- Zhu developed a strong opium habit
- strong isn;t the best word here.
- His troops continued to support him and he became a warlord.
- This is a run-on; add a comma before and he.
- after his troops were driven from Sichuan toward the Tibet border,
- That should be "the border with Tibet" or "The Tibetan border".
- which may have contributed to his decision to leave China for study in Europe
- It would be nice if this speculative ambiguity were not in Wikipedia's voice.
- He first travelled to Shanghai where he broke his opium habit and reportedly met Dr Sun Yat-sen.
- Per WP:ALLEGED, the word reportedly should be avoided.
Converting to Communism
[edit]- In late 1922,[17] Zhu went to Europe,
- It's odd to have a citation after this clause. Should this be at the end of the sentence?
- Around this time he joined the Communist Party of China.[19]
- This is confusing, as just a bit earlier you stated: He attempted to join the Chinese Communist Party in early 1922, but was rejected due to having been a warlord.
- Zhou Enlai was one of his sponsors.
- This might confuse a casual reader, so be sure it's clear that needed a sponsor to join.
- lead a force against Zhou Enlai, his sponsor and Liu Bocheng's Nanchang Uprising.
- The last clause confuses me.
- However, having helped orchestrate the uprising, Zhu and his army defected from the Kuomintang.[20] The uprising failed to gather support, however,
- Reword to avoid using however twice in a short span.
Zhu Mao
[edit]- This section is a little cluttered with images, so remove or move any that aren't especially vital.
- Should this header have single brackets or double?
- Mao had formed a soviet
- Link soviet
- 'Here they formed the Jiangxi Soviet which would eventually grow to cover some 30,000 square kilometers'
- The second clause is non-restrictive, so it should be set off with commas.
- however he was not able to do the same during
- You need a commas after however.
- the 1934 break out
- break out should be hyphenated.
Red Army leader
[edit]- organized some battles.
- some is a bit vague here.
- After the Zunyi Conference,
- Since you've already identified the conference, there is no need for reusing the proper name here.
- Zhu coopered with Mao and Zhou on military affairs.
- Coopered?
- Mao supported this offensive at first
- Maybe: "Initially, Mao supported this offensive" would be better.
- While a successful campaign, Mao attributed it as the main provocation for the devastating Japanese Three Alls Policy later and used it to criticize Peng at the Lushan Conference
- Try: "While a successful campaign, Mao 'later attributed it as the main provocation for the devastating Japanese Three Alls Policy and used it to criticize Peng at the Lushan Conference"
Later life
[edit]- In 1949 Zhu was named Commander-in-Chief of the People's Liberation Army (PLA); thus posterity regards him as a principal founder of the PLA.[40]
- The second clause strikes me as a non sequitur.
- The first paragraph of this section is a little jarring, with too many In 1949, In 1951, In 1955 type introductory clauses. Try to smoothen this out so it flows better.
- He just gave some mild criticisms of Peng
- Reword this so it's tone is encyclopedic, rather that colloquial.
- The last four sentences use the word death too often. Also, avoid the one-sentence paragraph that ends the section.
Sourcing
[edit]- I'm not sure what's going on with note 4. Notes 5 and 24 are to dead links, so either you need to find a working link or replace them as citations.
- Tidy the format of your references, which is oddly just one.
- Addressed all of this. Thanks for reviewing insofar. QatarStarsLeague (talk) 01:44, 5 February 2015 (UTC)
The source for Note 42 has nothing about his "overseeing" the PLA during the Korean War. Also, Answers.com is not exactly a reliable source. — Preceding unsigned comment added by 2600:4040:2115:6E00:884:A31F:75FC:5519 (talk) 00:01, 17 August 2023 (UTC)
Conclusion
[edit]This article is well-written, verifiable, neutral, and stable. Its coverage is broad, and, where appropriate, it is illustrated with images. I am happy to pass this GAN; nice job! Rationalobserver (talk) 15:54, 6 February 2015 (UTC)
- Thanks a million! QatarStarsLeague (talk) 18:49, 10 February 2015 (UTC)