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If anyone wonders about the name: Yes, I am indeed the Earl of Bagels, sixth of that title. My ancestors gained the County of Bagels in the 12th century, as a reward for helping to win the Battle of Bagels on behalf of the English Crown. The Battle of Bagels involved a bagel-eating contest betwixt Edgar the Plump and Percy the Thin. Percy won handily by eating 524 bagels with cream cheese and lox.

Why the heck are you wasting your time reading this nonsense?