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Divorce and the American Family

In 1969, California law changed to allow no-fault divorce. Soon after, all fifty states also followed. Divorce has since become an increasingly common factor in the American family. Today, only 25 percent of American households fit the traditional model of two married parents and their children. Of all households in America, 9.2 percent are headed by single mothers, and 1.9 percent are headed by single fathers.

Causes of Divorce

Causes of divorce in families vary. An estimated thirty percent of divorces are due to one of the partners abusing drugs or alcohol. And despite the much publicized studies about the dramatic standard of living drip that many divorced women experience, and estimated two thirds of divorces are sought by women.

Divorce Options

A common way to divorce is to have both spouses hire a lawyer. Lawyers who specialize in family law can charge between $150 and $500 an hour. If the divorce is acrimonious, and involves a lot of back and forth fighting, the cost of a divorce can be quite high. A few, quick one minute phone calls to a lawyer can add up quickly as lawyers generally bill in fifteen minute increments. The adversarial nature of lawyer handled divorces can quickly make a divorce very unpleasant. This can be damaging to children as it inevitably adds incredible stress to the co-parenting relationship, and it may be years before the divorcing couple can get along amicably. In less than ten percent of cases, a divorcing couple cannot reach an agreement on issues such as property settlement, child custody, or support payments. In this instance, the case will go to trial and all pertinent matters will be settled by a family court judge. A good lawyer should be familiar with the judge’s personality, and can tailor their party’s case for a more favorable outcome. Still, going before a judge in a divorce trial is always a risk.

Mediators

Mediation is when a divorcing couple sits down with a professional mediator to create a divorce agreement together. A mediator may be a lawyer, but is more often a social worker. Issues discussed are custody, parenting plans, alimony, child support, property settlements, or whatever else may need to be addressed. Proponents of mediation say that mediation is more advantageous, as it helps the divorcing couple stay civil, saves money, and is easier on the children. However, mediation is not for everyone. Mediation works best in marriages where power has been shared more or less equally. In marriages where there is a power disparity, or in more traditional style marriages, the weaker spouse may not be aware of the value of the marital property, and unknowingly forfeit their right to an equitable share. A spouse who is battered or otherwise intimidated may also be too afraid to bargain effectively. A mediator who is paid by the stronger spouse may also unintentionally give that individual preferential treatment.

Collaborative Lawyers

Another very new trend in divorce is a collaborative approach. This is when both parties independently hire a collaborative lawyer. The divorcing spouses, and their lawyers are committed to working out issues together without going to court. A collaborative lawyer will even refuse to represent a client if they decide they would like to pursue litigation. Collaborative divorces are much less expensive than litigated, adversarial divorces, and are very helpful in keeping the divorcing couple civil, and able to maintain a positive post divorce relationship.

Custody

Eighty percent of the time, sole physical custody is granted to the mother. Five percent of fathers are awarded sole physical custody, and about fifteen to twenty percent of children split their time between two households in joint custody arrangements. Legal custody is a different matter than physical custody. In most divorces, both parents are granted joint legal custody. Joint legal custody means that both parents have an equal say in major decisions about how a child is raised, where they will attend school, or the religious tradition the child will be raised in. In reality, this probably has very little actual meaning, except for making the non-custodial parent feel important, and more likely to support the child financially and emotionally after the divorce.

Alimony

Alimony is awarded in fifteen percent of divorces. Alimony is generally awarded for about half the length of the marriage, and it’s purpose usually is to give the spouse with less earning power time to start a career. In some rare cases, a spouse may be granted lifetime alimony. If a woman makes significantly more money than a man, he may be granted rehabilitative alimony.

Child Support

Child support is paid by the non-custodial parent. Amounts now are very similar from state to state. General amounts are, for example, in the state of Wisconsin, the rates are as follows. For one child, it is 17% of one’s income, for two children, it is 25%, for three children it is 29% and for four children it is 31%. More money may be granted in some circumstances, if a child has special needs, for example. Similarly, less money may be awarded if a child spends a significant amount of time with the non-custodial parent. In response to the social problem of many single parents not receiving court ordered child support payments, the federal government passed the Personal Responsibility and Work Opportunity Reconciliation Act of 1996. This set more standard child support amounts nationally, and the subsequent Uniform Interstate Family Support Act was passed in 1998 to help enforce the payment of child support. Federal and state agencies now aggressively track deadbeat parents across state lines. This new trend in enforcing child support payments makes it more difficult to avoid paying child support. <Boland, Mary L. Your Right To Custody, Visitation and Support. Naperville. Sphinx Publishing. 2007. Page 98 </ref> Penalties are increasingly harsh. The non-custodial parent may have their wages garnished, drivers license and passport revoked, property seized, or be imprisoned.

Effects of Divorce on Women

Financially, women are widely reported to take a financial hit from divorce. Studies show that a woman’s standard of living often drops fifteen to thirty percent after a divorce. Forty percent of divorced women with children live in poverty. In many marriages, a woman may only work part time, or let her career go on hold while she raises the children. Many stay-at-home mothers do not have the education or training to earn a living wage that will support her and her children. Also, a mother may also be seen negatively by an employer by her greater commitment to her children. She is more likely to be the parent who interrupts work to meet a child’s need, whether it be a doctors appointment, illness, a school function, or any pressing situation. All this can factor into a lessened capacity for wage earning. A non-custodial parent, usually male, has much less limitations on their earning power. In spite of all this, researcher Shere Hite found in interviewing divorced women, that divorce was a relief to them. These women reported that even with the economic hardship, which they had anticipated, they were much happier being divorced. <ref. Hite, Shere. Women and Love. New York. St. Martin’s Press. 1989. Page 405 </ref> Abigail Trafford, in her book Crazy Time: Surviving Divorce and Building A New Life, found that women leaving especially unhappy marriages even ‘glow’ after divorcing.

Effects of Divorce on Men

In most cases, divorce comes as a surprise to men, as women predominantly are the ones to end their marriages. The shock of divorce and displacement of his role in his child or children’s lives can lead to depression. Divorced men are six times more likely to become clinically depressed, compared to 3.5 percent of divorced women. A man who only has traditional visitation may feel he has lost a vital connection to his children and his parental authority. If this results in a father becoming less involved in his children’s lives, studies have shown that he is less likely to pay child support. One way courts have sought to address this feeling is to grant a non-custodial parent ‘joint-decision making.’ This may have some psychological benefits for the non-custodial parent, however in practice, it is a fragile right at best. In the event of a conflict regarding the children between the two parents, the custodial parent will usually prevail in court. Financially, studies show that a divorced man’s standard of living usually rises at least fifteen percent. A few researchers dissent on the findings that men benefit financially during a divorce, due to reasons such as tax breaks for the custodial parent, and claim that the standard of living disparities between a divorced couple may not be accurate after factoring the tax free income of child support, and the IRS ruling that grants the custodial parent the right to claim the children on their taxes.

Effects of Divorce on Children

The immediate effect on children is usually lesser contact with their father, as the great majority of children live with their mothers. The usual child custody arrangement is having visitation with their father every other weekend, and one week night per week. As divorce tends to lower a woman’s standard of living, the child’s standard of living goes down as well. Children often blame themselves for the divorce, and may try to either behave in an exemplary fashion to mitigate problems in the family, or they may ‘act out’ to try to force parents to stay together. The bonds of siblings are often strengthened, as siblings find support in each other.

Longer Term Effects of Divorce on Children

There are different theories regarding the long term effects of divorce on children. In 2000, Judith Wallerstein’s book The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce was published, creating a backlash on the acceptability of divorce for parents with children. Her book is a stern message to parents who are divorced or who are considering divorce. A major theme in her book is that while divorce may benefit the parents, the children suffer. Her research suggests that children are very negatively affected by divorce, and that the repercussions continue to affect the children throughout their lives. As children, they often assume the roles of caretakers for their emotionally needy parents, which can affect their social development, as they feel obligated to keep them company instead of developing friendships with their peers. Joint custody arrangements can make participating in sports and other extracurricular activities difficult. She also found that children of divorce were more likely to start using drugs and alcohol at an earlier age than children from intact families, and in the later teenage years, over half were using drugs and alcohol, compared to twenty five percent of teenagers in intact families. Promiscuity was also reported as being more prevalent in teenagers whose parents divorced. Adolescence and attaining maturity takes much, much longer for children in divorced families. Marriage may be difficult for them as they lacked a ‘template’ to model their own life after. They are prone to getting into relationships with undesirable partners that they can be a caretaker to, or they may believe such a person will never abandon them, as a parent once did. Other ways divorce affects children is difficulty attending college, as in many cases the divorced parents are less able, or even less willing to pay, in contrast to still married parents. Wallerstein, however, does recommend divorce as beneficial to children in extremely dysfunctional situations, such as domestic violence.

A more positive and comforting view of the long term effects of divorce on children is put forth by Constance Ahrens, a researcher and therapist, specializing in divorce. Ahrons is a proponent of the idea that it is the parent’s fighting that negatively affects the children, not their marital status. According to her research: -76 percent (of adult children) do not wish their parents were still together -79 percent feel their parent’ decision to divorce was a good one -70 percent feel their parents are better off today -78 percent feel that they are better off or not affected. She also questions the validity of Wallerstein’s research, noting that Wallerstein offered free counseling services to her interviewees, in exchange for participating in her study, which attracted a more troubled segment of the population. Ahrons conducted her own study on the long term effects of divorce on children, and published the results in her 2002 book We’re Still Family. Interviews she conducted of adults who experienced in their childhood suggests that any trouble children might have is actually the result of living with two unhappily married people. Another cause cited for troubled or delinquent behavior in children of divorce is poverty itself, not the actual divorce. She found that when the standard of living of these children was improved, behavior problems improve dramatically. Ahrons also favors a peaceful, cooperative approach between parents; sharing the duties of parenting, and remaining ‘family,’ even after marital dissolution. Ahrons, seems to have backed away from her original support of ‘egalitarian’ joint custody arrangements that she praised in her first book, The Good Divorce, in which a child might spend one week with mom, and one week with dad, or even one year with mom, and one year with dad. In We’re Still Family, she acknowledges that it is often very hard on children to live in two houses at once. Another researcher, Mavis Hetherington, studied the effects of divorce on children as well. Her findings mirror Ahrons, that after an initial adjustment period of about two years, seventy five to eighty percent of children are happy and well adjusted.

Same Sex Marriages

Same sex couples are now being granted the right to be united in civil unions or to marry in some states. In some cases of a civil union being dissolved, one partner has been court ordered to support their partners child.

Divorce Portrayed on TV

An example of an emotionally needy divorced custodial parent and her caretaking child are the Desperate Housewife characters of Susan Mayer, played by Teri Hatcher, and Julie Mayer, played by Andrea Bower.