User:Klavis
== Klaivs Bertonsons ==
Klavis Dominico Santiago The Great Defector El Toro Bertonsons Born In Latvia In 1993 To Parents Ann Frank Bertonsons and Adolf Thine Furher Bertonsons Whom Did Not Get Along. Klavis Had A Very Rough Upbringing And Frequently Dipped Into A Life Of Crime Often Having To Deal Crack For Grocery Money To Keep His Heroin Addicted Parents Alive. This Upbringing Has Seemed To Have An Adverse Affect On Klavis'Mental Health.
At The Tender Age Of 10 He Left His Lucratve Life Of Crime And Began A Career In Grunge Metal. This Triggered A Spiral Of Intense Depression In The Child Sensation. His Career In Grunge Music Helped Take His Parents Off The Heroin And Straight Through College, Both Of Whom Graduated As Fully Qualified Chemists. After Becoming Chemists They Invented The Latvian Super Drug Fley Powder Which Is 20x Stronger Than Any Other Drug Known To Man. They Then Proceeded To Test The Drug On Each Other Which Lead To Their Downfalls. They Forgot Everything They Had Worked So Hard To achieve And Went Back To A Life Of Drugs And Prostitution.
Soon Klavis Parents Slipped Into A Drug Indused Coma And Upon Seeing This Klavis Packed His Satchel And Fled Latvia, Never To Set Foot On The Mother Lands Fertile Soils Again. Klavis Then Used His Powerful Arms And Legs To Swim To Ireland.
On Friday The 13th January 2006, The Boat Of A Man That Is Klavis Arrived In Dublin Bay Around Half Past One. Friendless, Pennyless And Visaless He Began His New Life In Ireland. Klaivis Quickly Sought Refuge In A Local Brothel Where He Began To Learn His New Trade As No.1 Pimp In Hoth Head. He Farmed Those Ho's Until He Could Afford A Bus Ticket To Baltinglass Co.Wicklow -"The Town Of Lost Dreams".
Klavis Used The Skills He Picked Up On The Mean Streets Of Hoth To Quickly Dispatch Of The Residents Of No.40 Latherleer. He Went All O.J on Their Candy Asses And Disposed Of Their Body's And Fetal Mater In The Nearby Slany River (Incedently Enough Where He Annualy Bathes On Very Rare Occasions).
After Settling In The House He Feasted On The Remenence And Pets The Previous Family Had Left Behind. This Provided Sustanance For A While But Soon He Needed To Seek A New Feeding Ground.
In September 2006 Klavis Enrolled At Scoil Chonglais Secondary School Where He Quickly Put His Street Skills And Extortive Nature To Good Use By Bullying His Way Through The Senior Section In The School. After This He Continued To Hunt The Smaller, Weaker Kids For Sport Like The Sexual Predator He Is. The Children Developed A Way To Avoid His Sexual Deviency By Listening For His Trademark Laugh Which Sounds Strangely Like The Name Of His Parents Super Drug. It Goes As Follows : Fley Fley Fley Fley. Also While He Is Performing His Laugh Or "Pre Hunting Ritual" -(As The Kids Called It) He Also Kept His Large Beast Like Hands Bolted Firmly On His Lower Back While Flicking His Tounge In And Out In A Mocking Fashion.
Klavis Is Also Famous For Holding The Human Walking Land Speed Record Which He Did With Ease By Using His Signature Robot Like Walk.
After Klavis Exahausted His Resources At No.40 He Decided To Move On. He Then Forcefully Took Up Residence In A Huge Castle Known As Castle GreySkull In Tullow Co.Carlow. Upon His Arrival He Had Kevin Barrys Statue Ripped Down And A Solid Gold One Of Himself Drinking Vodka With Careon Diaz Erected In Its Place.
Klaivis Stands As A Symbol Of Fear In The Town Of Baltinglass. He Has Enslaved Its People And Brought Fear To Its Various Wildlife. He Has Also Brought About A Tyrainic Rain Of Communism To The Small, Once Beautiful, Town.
Following his sparkling rise to power, Klaivs had an equally fantastic but brutal and graffic downfall. One faithful evening Klaivs was out for his routine systematic inspection of the local townslands when an otherworldly and highly serendipitous road traffic accident occurred. Klaivs was doing around 60 to 70 kilometres per hour when out of nowhere, his one true weakness and dire mortal enemy, the Land Rover Jeep, hit him harder than anything has ever hit anything else ever. The collision caused a cataclysmic structural failure of Klaivs source of racially discriminating power, his pelvis, and resulted in his hospitalisation. Klaivs was inducted into the Guiness book of world records for the most graffic injury to the pelvis in the history of mankind. Tullow and Baltinglass got their first tastes of freedom since the tyranic rain of Klaivs and embraced it with open arms. As part of his condition Klaivs was bedridden, also ridden several times on the couch and kitchen table which resulted in further pelvic destruction. Upon his release from Nass General Hospital, Klaivs was forced to remain in a wheelchair. Due to his hugely overpowered upper body Klaivs was able to reach unprecedented speeds but the Residents of the townslands had installed speed ramps to counter act this. They caught Klaivs in between the ramps by Reileys and the Primary school. With as much haste as humanly possible, the residents of Baltinglass deported Klaivs.
Upon his return to latvia, Klaivs was welcomed with open arms. The country upgraded its motorway systems to accommodate Klaivs lust for incredibly high wheelchair velocities. The many doctors of Latvia were fascinated by the fact that Kliavs had a complete lack of pelvic structural integrity but somehow managed to once again walk. Once he started walking Klaivs began walking down the catwalks of Latvia's illustrious and drug ridden modeling world where he rose to stardom as an upper body model. When he raised the funds necessary Klaivs once again came to Ireland, only this time it was not domination of the local townslands he sought, it was domination of the milk supply chain.
== Little Known Facts About Klavis ==
1. Klavis Is Suspected Of More Counts Of Money Laundering Than Any Other Person In History.
2. Klavis Was An Immaculate Conception And Is Believed By The Jedi Community To Be The Chosen One
3. Klavis Is The Patron Saint Of Annual Bathing
4. Klavis Has Not Payed Taxes Since 1997
5. Klavis Can Bench Press 260 pounds.
6. Klavis Has Six Toes On His Left Foot.
7. Klavis Is Believed By Some Of His Devout Followers To Have Written King Kong.
8. Klavis Enjoys Playing The Saxophone In His Spare Time And Occasionally Plays At Leroys Jazz Club In Tullow
9. Klavis Is A Black Belt 5th Dan In Wadu Ryu Karate.
10.Klavis Favorite Color Is Deep Purple.
11.Klavis Favorite Band Is Van Canto The Swedish Aca-Pella Rock Group.
12.Klavis Favorite Song Is Walking On Sunshine.
13.Klavis Favorite Dance Is The Handsy Farmer.
14.Klavis Likes To Refer To Himself In The 3rd Person Just Like His Hero The Queen Of England.
15.Klavis Favorite Olympic Sport Is The 25km Walk.