User:Mmcpherson

Mike McPherson, the "man" once voted "Most Likely to Contract a Terminal Disease" in high school, has puzzled cryptozoologists and linguists ever since his accidental discovery by a team of arctic researchers in the late 1820s. The mystery stems primarily from his complete lack of pituitary glands and his insatiable hunger for freestlye ukelele music. Originally thought to be an early ancestor of the elusive 3-toed sloth, it has since been discovered that he shares 99.9% of his DNA with the ring-tailed lemurs of outer Mongolia.

Due to the aforementioned gland phenomena, McPhersons are widely hunted by eskimos, as their pelts make excellent shag carpets and bathroom rugs. This hunting has provoked countless Greenpeace rallies to save the McPhersons and their southern brethren, The McFifes. After years of protests, the rallies--in conjunction with the tireless efforts of Sir Paul McCartney and Bono--succeeded in convincing the Progressive Conservative government of Brian Mulroney to place McPhersons on the endangered species list in 1985 (due to an oversight later attributed to a faulty monocle, McFifes were left off the list and have since died off). The International Association of Zoos and Fire Arms (IAZFA) has made several attempts to breed McPhersons in captivity for release into the wild, however this has proven exceedingly difficult as McPhersons have a inherent tendency toward compulsive autonarcoflagellation (fondling of the genitalia during sleep) to the point of complete penile destruction. To make matters worse, their uncooked flesh tastes like Tony Roma's Ribs, and they are sexually attracted to fire.

There are at most a few hundred McPhersons roaming the arctic tundra today. Yet still, many tourists have claimed to have heard their mating calls (a high pitched squeal of "Mikey Likey Drinkey") during the night. They tend to live a sedentary life and are often found in the employment of fudge mills and fudge foundries.