User:ZdenkaAcin

AUTOBIOGRAPHY

By Zdenka AĆIN "If one does not know to which port one is sailing, no wind is favorable." - Seneca

The first part of the rest of my life began at the moment when the Malev plane, routed from Budapest to Toronto, touched down on Canadian soil with my eleven-year-old son Stefan and me in its belly.

That was June 15, 1999.

What was my previous life? I was born in 1951 in the town of Ivangrad, Montenegro, Yugoslavia. I had taken a keen interest in writing from my early childhood. I wrote poetry, short stories and essays, which were published in literary newspapers and magazines (from the early sixties of the last century until present days).

I graduated from the Faculty of Philosophy (University of Belgrade) and I received PhB degree as philosopher (in my previous country the title is "graduated philosopher" or "professor of philosophy " - with ability to teach philosophy even at the University). As a matter of fact, I become a free-lancer journalist because as professor of philosophy I couldn't find a job due to political reasons. Namely, during the period of time between 1970 and 1990 philosophers in Yugoslavia were considered as enemy of state and communist regime. Beside, a lot of my articles remained unpublished, better to say rejected from political reasons as well.

I lived for thirty years in Belgrade (a very beautiful capital city of my country), and worked as a journalist for twenty of those. My articles and TV programs encompassed all subjects: culture, philosophy, literature, politics, art, environment, religion, theater and film. I interviewed prominent national and international figures, including three winners of The Nobel Prize for Literature: Czeslaw Milosz, Joseph Brodsky and Naguib Mahfouz. Through the creation of portraits of my interviewees I obtained a fresco of our epoch. The compendium of my interviews brought out crucial issues of our times: freedom, democracy, human rights, women's rights, liberty, non-violence, censorship, and criticism of totalitarian regimes.

I used to write critical articles against Milosevic's politic and, as a pacifist, against him as well as against Radovan Karadzic, during the war in Bosnia. That was the reason why hard nationalists considered me as "cosmopolite" ("citizen of the world", not citizen of their "national state"), "mondialist", "pacifist" - what in their understanding, or according to their opinion, had completely negative, even derogative meaning.

I had acquired a reputation of "petitionist" - which was a big political accusation - because I used to sign (and create) countless petitions as a form of protest against repression not only in both Yugoslavias, but all around the world. I signed and created those petitions as a vocal opponent of all wars, and as a supporter of prisoners of conscience or imprisoned writers. (By the way, I am doing the same here in Canada. PEN Canada asked me to sign their petition for Flora Bovina - Albanian writer - still in Milosevic's prison. I was also invited from Los Angeles to send some piece of my literary work which was read on the literary night organized by PEN America in support of Flora Bovina. On the other side, I was also invited by The Freedom Forum from Washington (May 2000) to participate in their conference dedicated to War Crimes. My polemic and remarks during that Conference inspired the American media to interview me (for a number of their newspapers, radio and television programs) - what reminded me of an euphoria of the Yugoslav media: to interview me whenever I published something what was considered "subversive" towards Milosevic's regime, and what went beyond prescribed bounders of freedom of speech and freedom of expression - as a result of my fight against censorship, oppression and totalitarian regime. Furthermore, on that very same Washington's Conference about War Crimes, I met professor Michael Ignatieff, who would be a couple of months later (July 2000) my editor at The Banff Center for the Arts, where I spent one month writing an autobiographical essay as a recipient of the Center's Grant for Non-Fiction writing in 2000.)

My position as an activist and an independent intellectual in opposition in both Yugoslavias brought me many political problems. I have been blacklisted in both the former and today's Yugoslavia. My television talk show Press Club, for instance, was one of the most popular TV programs in Yugoslavia, but it was removed from the air three times. The first time in 1995 on the personal order of President Slobodan Milosevic, then in 1996 and 1997 because of political reasons and censorship. I was removed as editor-in-chief of Interview, a bi-weekly cultural and political magazine, in 1997 because I published very critical articles against Milosevic and his regime, and against his wife Dr. Mira Markovic, a politician.

As well as having written two books Neither Voice of God nor Voice of State and I Renounce Revenge, I invented and introduced to my TV viewers the concept of the Video-Newspaper, in which I was editor-in-chief and author. The same position I had in Belgrade's Readers Newspaper (Novine Čitalista Beogradskog, some kind of Review of Books). I was also cultural editor in political and cultural magazine called Duga (Rainbow) since 1990 until 1995, when I was replaced because of political reasons - of course, us usual, without official public announcement of the real reasons. However, the independent media reviled the truth.

My books are collections of long, "obviously thoughtful and broad" essay-interviews with "international dissidents" (I Renounce Revenge – the subjects included Czeslaw Milosz, Joseph Brodsky, Josef Skvorecky, Andrei Sinyavski – who were, among a very few other writers, the founders of Literature in Exile in the Twentieth Century – as well as Bohumil Hrabal, Adam Michnik and others), and world famous directors of movie and theater (Neither Voice of God nor Voice of State). As David Warren wrote for The Ottawa Citizen in his article about me: "It will not date, and I hope it can be translated into English. Two more of her titles give a flavor of her outlook: I Renounce Revenge, and The Voice of Neither God nor State."

Having political troubles, in 1995 I have decided to leave Yugoslavia for India and Africa (Ethiopia), and I spent there one year. That was my first temporary "exile". My "exile history" repeated itself again in 1997 and I spent another year in "my Africa" (in Ethiopia – where I was actively involved in the youth movement that fought against hunger and poverty, and I participated, as an adult observer and the guest speaker, in The Third World Conference, held in Addis Ababa in August 1998, under the title Youth Ending Hunger, organized by Ethiopian and Japanese youth movements; the Conference was attended by the representatives of all African countries; an extensive interview about my participation in this Conference was published in Ethiopian independent newspaper The Sun, yet not independent enough that they could ask me, or write, about my political problems in my own country; in Uganda - where I was researching about the situation of women who were used as a sex slaves by the Lord Resistance Army as well as about child solders; and in Egypt - where I met and interviewed prominent Egyptian intellectuals, members of the Academy of Art and Science, theater directors, painters and writers; the note about my visit and my interviews was published in the Egyptian main daily newspaper Al Ahram, French edition).

When I came back to Yugoslavia from Africa, in late October 1998, the owner of BK Television - where I was employed – told me that "there is no place" for me and my TV program at all. That was his concession to the regime, but again and again I became – as many times before - the "sacrificial lamb"/ "scapegoat". He told me: "You are a great professional, a very capable woman, and you will find your way." Alas, that "way" I couldn't find in Yugoslavia anymore. I was without job for four months. Finally, in late February 1999 I was invited to be an editor and author in Portal, monthly women's magazine, but the publisher kept as a top secret that I was full time employee. I was asked not to come to the office, that we would communicate through the courier, and that I should send my articles via e-mail.

Just one month later, NATO bombing started over Yugoslavia (in late March of 1999). After I received anonymous death treats - obviously from Milosevic’s regime and his supporters – I was told by my friends and family that in the state of war nobody would be held accountable for my "accidental death", so I was urged to leave Belgrade for Budapest (Hungary). During my stay in Budapest - in spite of the fact that I could write articles and via e-mail send them to Portal, because the publisher's original idea was, anyway, to send me all around the world to write about my traveling and to interview famous people - I was told through my older son that my job was terminated. Obviously, the secret of my employment wasn't the secret anymore, and I learned that I was fired by personal order of Milosevic's wife, Dr. Mira Markovic, an extremely powerful political figure, who especially overlooked the media and University. Than I started to think about leaving the Homeland for good. However, when my friend and colleague Slavko Curuvia, the owner and editor-in-chief of Daily Telegraph had been murdered, I made final decision: not come back to Yugoslavia even as a tourist, and not to publish any single word until Milosevic is in power. In fact, I was directly told by my friends and family that the bullet that killed Curuvia was reserved for me too, and that I have to ask for political asylum wherever I can get it. That is how Canada came into my picture as a journey towards hope (since the name "Canada" freely translated into my language means: "ka nadi" - "towards hope"). I applied for Canadian visa on political grounds for my younger son Stefan and me, and we got it thanks to the fact that the stuff of Canadian Embassy in Vienna was very well aware of my professional status and political troubles, and thanks to support of Canadian Journalist for Free Expression, PEN Canada, PEN America (whose president at that time was my best friend Michael Scammell, professor at Columbia University in New York, who has considered me as a very important activist and witness of all crucial historical and political events in my country for the last tree decades), my friends David Albahari, great writer who lives in Calgary, and Lawrence Liu Ha, who works with UN Canadian Mission in Bosnia.

I will always remember that day, May 3, 1999, when the visa officer at the Canadian Embassy in Vienna, Lorie Jane Turner, phoned to inform me that my and Stefan's visas were issued. It meant a starting point for the future life of my son and me. Her call was a gift with great symbolical meaning as well, because it was World Press Freedom Day. I concluded then, "There is no better day than this one to hear a promising voice which will bring to both my private and professional life a new chapter. All my life, it has been my dream to live in a country as good as Canada - in a country of freedom, liberty and justice."

I was a member of the Serbian Philosophers Society and Independent Association of Serbian Journalists in my country. Now, in my adopted country, I am a member of Canadian Journalist for Free Expression (CJFE) and PEN Canada, and this is the stepping stone of my professional life here in Canada my new and only country, the country of my permanent exile.

I have good knowledge of the Russian language. I know the English language fairly well. I also studied French, German, Latin and old Greek, mostly philosophical terminology.

I used to travel a lot - but not as much as I wish I were as a well-traveled person. I've been until now to Italy, Great Britain, Greece, France, Czechoslovakia, Russia, the United States of America, Ethiopia, India, Uganda, Egypt and Hungary.

I am mother of two sons: twenty-eight-year-old musician, composer and movie director, Andrej Acin - who lives in Paris and Belgrade - and twelve-year-old student Stefan Acin who is with me in Canada. Their father, Jovica Acin, to whom I was married for twenty-one year, is a respectable writer, publisher, and translator. I have been divorced since 1992.

I love classical music, opera, ballet, movie, theater, paintings, archeology, architecture, sculpture, literature, etc. I am Christian - orthodox - but as an open minded person I respect all religions, and I have great interest in Buddhism, yet I consider myself more as a spiritual rather then a religious person. I am collecting Thought of the Day and Food for Thoughts. Three of those I like mostly.

The first is written by Bertolt Brecht:

"In the dark time, will there also be singing? Yes, There will be singing About the Dark time."

The second is written by Seneca:

"If one does not know to which port one is sailing, no wind is favorable."

The third is written by Bertrand Russell:

"Three passions, simple but overwhelmingly strong, have governed my life: the longing for love, the search for knowledge, and unbearable pity for the suffering of mankind. These passions, like great winds, have blown me hither and thither, in a wayward course, over a deep ocean of anguish, reaching to the very verge of despair."

All three are very important part of my life's philosophy as well as the last one written by George Bernard Show, Back to Methuselah, Part 1, Act 1):

"You see thing and say 'why'? But I dream of things that never were and I say 'why not'?"

I hope, those things - no matter if they were my private or professional desire and dream - will be, sooner or later, true reality.

(Toronto, 2000)