User talk:Stwhalen

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comments from joe[edit]

Sean,

I think this is a great article. Your sentence style seems somewhat chatty, casual, and unnecessarily wordy. I would suggest that you try to tighten, shorten, and make more succinct and precise.

Examples:


  • "not the ultimate ranking ... but a good benchmark" -- can you find more precise words than both "ultimate" and "good" ?
  • "They are adjusted to a per minute of playing time scale" -- is there\ a better way to say this.
  • "PER is basically a barometer to how complete a player's game may be" -- "barometer to how" should be changed, perhaps to "barometer measuring how". But why the analogy to barometer?
  • " many have floundered and never quite reached their full potential - "The Darius Miles Effect"." -- Fill in words where you have a dash.
  • "Darius Miles's falloff was so staggering and severe that it has proven to be enough of a millstone that the overall projection for players coming out of highschool foresees a decline in PER over the second and third years in the league." -- This sentence needs cleanup.

--Joegrohens 07:03, 15 November 2006 (UTC)