User talk:Tug46396/sandbox
Peer Review:
Hi Ritu! I am a little bit confused about your article's relationship to the other Okinawa Diet article, are you adding to it? Overall, your content is very interesting and informative- here are my suggestions to improve what you have written!
Organization and Content: You introduce and talk about the subject in a logical manner. One suggestion is that before you talk about the pros and cons of the diet, it may be useful to talk about its history as well (this may also fit in the culture and customs section). Additionally, The "Okinawa" and "Culture and Customs" sections are very factual in tone but the "Speculation" section is much more argumentative, but I think it is okay since you cite your sources and it balances out the praise and benefits of the Okinawa diet on the other page, making the overall content more balanced and unbiased. Also, in the "Speculations" section, you devote a lot of the passage to the malnutrition theory and not the westernization theory, which you could expand upon. You also did a good job at explaining complex and scientific ideas in simple language!
Mechanics: Some errors and areas for improvement that I noticed-
- "most healthiest" is grammatically incorrect
- "More specifically the island Okinawa in the Ryukyu islands." is a sentence fragment
- "Many factors in the eating cultures and customs of countries" sounds somewhat clunky, you can just say "many factors in the diet of countries"
- It is a better idea to use declarative sentences instead of imperative ones to create a more formal tone ("Compare this to America...")
- You tend to use vague language as in "The East Asian diet is one of the world's most healthiest diets", "Okinawa is one of the largest islands in the archipelago", and "some experts believe that the diet of Okinawa is not healthy..."- to create a more encyclopedic tone use more concrete language and give facts (e.g. how is it and what makes it healthy? how big is Okinawa compared to the other islands? what experts?)
Sources: Sources 3-5 and 8 come from scholarly journals and published books, so they seem like reliable sources. I am concerned that the NBC source is somewhat biased and informal (he says, "Sorry to burst your bubble, but anybody who pushes the image of 90-year-old Zen monks taking refuge in a remote mountain monastery, feasting their life away on sushi and vegetables, is full of it."). The web japan article also may not be a completely scholarly source since it does not list an author or references. However, they still may be acceptable to use in combination with your other sources!
Overall, I really like your article and think it is coming along very well :)
-Christina
Start a discussion about improving the User:Tug46396/sandbox page
Talk pages are where people discuss how to make content on Wikipedia the best that it can be. You can use this page to start a discussion with others about how to improve the "User:Tug46396/sandbox" page.
