User talk:Vincenzo Johnson/sandbox

Citations

Great job. Colbuendia71 (talk) 18:27, 8 April 2024 (UTC)

Structure

I think this sentence is a little too wordy.

The land of New Jersey, or “Scheyichbi” as it was called by the Native Americans, was considered indigenous property by European settler nations, though they did employ various legitimate and illegitimate tactics in order to acquire pieces of the region from them and make claims to it under the pretense of exploration.

I would rephrase it to: The land of New Jersey, or 'Scheyichbi" as it was called by the Native Americans, was considered indigenous property by European settler nations. The nations employed both legitimate and illegitimate tactics to acquire pieces of the region and make claims to it under the pretense of exploration. Futuroabogado3511 (talk) 14:46, 10 April 2024 (UTC)

Citations

As we discussed together previously in class, I personally feel like you have enough sources. If possible I would consider adding the specific pages where you got the information from for the books that you are using. Futuroabogado3511 (talk) 14:54, 10 April 2024 (UTC)

Notability

The topics you are focusing on are very notable. The Cooper family and name I feel is a vital part of Camden's history that is missing from the page. South Jersey has such an interesting history with its relation with the indigenous populations that were already here and it's important to be highlighted on the page. Futuroabogado3511 (talk) 14:57, 10 April 2024 (UTC)

Grammar/ Stucture

Grammatically everything checks out so far. I think you should be cautious of run-on sentences. I'm struggling with that too. With history topics, it's hard to pick which information is most important enough to include. Wikipedia says that it prefers shorter and concise sentences with plain language.

Aside from a period in which some small houses lined the Delaware river near the ferries which carried goods from Western New Jersey to Philadelphia for trade purposes, the first major colonial settlement in the Camden area was established by William Cooper (403-404).

I like this sentence, but I can see how the beginning part might not fit that criteria. Potential new sentence: The first major colonial settlement in the Camden area was established by William Cooper. This differed from the previous (housing style) where small houses lined the Delaware River ... Futuroabogado3511 (talk) 15:08, 10 April 2024 (UTC)

Neutrality of Language

I think you are doing an excellent job so far in remaining neutral in your language. As we discussed, this is going to be something we both are going to struggle with as the topics are inherently negative. In the guidelines, Wikipedia recommends to clearly attribute certain perspectives to specific groups or people. This is probably the best way to include information that seems biased to one side. Futuroabogado3511 (talk) 15:14, 10 April 2024 (UTC)

Excellent Work!

You have several excellent comments here that touch on anything I might have had to add. I do want to chime in, though, to give you another source of feedback!

Your writing is excellent. The structure and grammar are very well planned here.

The notability side is definitely here. These are vitally important facts about this region before it became a city.

Neutrality is the only thing I would question, and only because these facts, personally, make me angry. I'm sure there's not really an intent for that. The fact of the matter is, everything done to the indigenous people here was disgusting.

Good use of citations, I'd err on the side of adding in more for clarity, but there's no need to clutter things up. This reads very well, the citations are present and not overwhelming, and I think you've done a great job! Harleiquill (talk) 17:26, 17 April 2024 (UTC)

Language

you tend to use words that are filler-ish and suggest that facts about the Lenape might not be true like 'generally', 'tended to', 'often'. Control + F the word "generally" and ask if it is necessary. "The Lenni Lenape were a group that generally sustained themselves through hunting and the farming of land." I think in this specific example generally is not needed. MahjongLover1998 (talk) 19:16, 22 April 2024 (UTC)

Neutrality

You do a great job staying neutral and giving pure information. MahjongLover1998 (talk) 19:16, 22 April 2024 (UTC)

Structure

I think "Lenape groups held strong values of personal liberty while also clinging to communal ideals – they often lived in familial settings and shared a strong belief in a concept of reciprocity similar to the Golden Rule (“In everything do to others as you would have them do to you”). could be moved to lifestyle, rather than politics. It could possibly be more cohesive and less wordy. MahjongLover1998 (talk) 19:17, 22 April 2024 (UTC)

Personal Inquiry

"They were strongly opposed to the institution of slavery and did not allow it on the lands which they sold to European settlers." did they enforce this? did slavery not take place on these lands? I think it could help to clarify MahjongLover1998 (talk) 19:18, 22 April 2024 (UTC)

Article Linking

" Minsi, Unami, and Unalachtigo subgroups." all three link to the same page which is a little redundant, I also could not find anything about minsi on the page, I believe it might be munsee (which appears on the page as the language they speak). You then go on to only talk about the unalachtigo group, but it may be helpful to provide brief context on the land that each subgroup inhabits. MahjongLover1998 (talk) 16:01, 23 April 2024 (UTC)

Image

The painting should include the date it was painted MahjongLover1998 (talk) 18:20, 24 April 2024 (UTC)