Wikipedia:WikiProject Biography/Peer review/Mimi Smith
I would like a peer review to see if this article can be put forward for FA. andreasegde 16:13, 17 February 2007 (UTC)
This looks to be a very sound article, and anything I highlight is likely to be more of a niggle than a full-on complaint.
- Is there not an appropriate picture of her available?
"Parents George & Annie (née Millward) Stanley" - change the ampersand (&) to an "and". This also needs doing in the caption of the picture in the section "Yoko".Changed. I find the first paragraph in "The Stanley Family" a little broken-up and confusing.Done
- I think "Career" could be better written - the tone isn't quite hitting the nail on the head.
"—and running "as fast as my legs could carry me"." - for one, I'm not sure the punctuation is perfect here. Secondly, it might make more sense if you changed the quote to "as fast as [her] legs could carry [her].", but that's purely a matter of personal preference.Done "...in the smallest bedroom above the front door." - I'd change it so the references were in numerical order. Same goes for "...which was around the corner from Mendips.".Done "Mimi (in typical fashion) said..."- I'm not sure if the tone's quite right here. It doesn't bother me too much, but folks at FAC might pick up on it.Done I advise assimilating the song sample into the bulk of the text somewhere. It looks anachronistic and out of place at the end.Done
The main things to consider are these: give it a quick copy-edit. It's in good shape but could probably do with a shakedown; try printing it out and reading it through with red pen in hand. Some of the sentences don't flow onto each other quite right, and this might help rectify that. The other thing I think might need some help is the chronological flow. Simply illustrating when things happened might be the easiest way to do this - for instance, putting years in brackets after paragraph headers. For instance, "John (1940-1956)" or whatever. Again, this is a matter of personal preference and not a must. I hope some of these pointers have helped; good luck! Seegoon 20:56, 18 February 2007 (UTC)
Nice effort. This is my review:
I don't like the lead. You article is a biography of Mimi Smith; not of her husband or Lennon. In the lead you speak more about them than for Mimi Smith. And why is her husband's name bolded?Done
- Seegon is right about the photo. The infobox would be nicer, if you could add one.
Again in the lead, you do not mentio dates of birth and death.Done
- Sometimes the prose gets choppy. See, for instance, the first (and the last one as well) paragraph in "The Stanley Family".
- The two last stubby paragraphs of "Marriage and 'Mendips'" look to me seamlessly connected with the rest of it.
"George owned half of the Smiths' family farm house, called 'The Cottage', which was around the corner from Mendips. " Wouldn't be better like that: "George owned half of the Smiths' family farm house, called 'The Cottage', which was around the corner from Mendips."Done. There are also other similar cases throughout the article. IMO "Song Sample" section is irrelevant to the biography. I agree with Seegoon: incorporate the sample itself somewhere in the rest of the article.Done Alphabetize categories at the end of the article.Done--Yannismarou 12:36, 24 February 2007 (UTC)
Congrats on the GA and I agree that aiming for FA on this article is eminently sensible. It's a relatively short article and is a nice one to tackle before trying again with the longer articles like Paul McCartney.
- I too think it needs a copyedit from a really top notch editor. I'm not one of those but I'll certainly have a look and tweak what I can.
- The lead is particularly weak. It doesn't appear to be very well structured at all. Try and group related information into paragraphs, keep the message on target, and summarise the article. Again, I'll have a play with this but I can't promise I'll improve it much :) --kingboyk 13:07, 1 March 2007 (UTC)
I thank all three of you lovely people for spending time going through Mimi's underwear :)) As you all wrote, it needs a good look-through for dodgy passages/sentences, and a good scrub with a soft brush. I thank you again. (Mimi Smith an FA? That would certainly put the icing on a very big cake... :) ThE bEaTLeS aka andreasegde 16:16, 3 March 2007 (UTC)