Wikipedia:Peer review/Netball in the Cook Islands/archive1

Netball in the Cook Islands

I've listed this article for peer review because I would like to improve it for possible consideration in the future.

Thanks, LauraHale (talk) 02:32, 24 March 2011 (UTC)

Brianboulton comments: As this article already has GA stsus, I assume that you are looking at the possibility of future featured article status, and have reviewed it in that context. I would certainly welcome seeing an article on this topic at FA; I don't think we have any featured netball articles, and precious few dealing with women's sports.

Lead

• The lead should be a broad summary of the main text of the article. It should touch on all the main areas covered in the article, without giving too much by way of detail. At present it is rather a collection of individual facts than a general summary, and needs some redrafting.
• Citing information in the lead is unnecessary when the same information occurs in the main text - where it should of course be cited. Thde lead is a kind of shop window for the article, and when it is cluttered up with citations it has an apparance that might be off-putting to the general reader. There is also a tndency here to over-citation; in a single sentence we have successive cites to [6], [8], [6], [6], [], [9].

Article structure

• The article needs a better prose structure. It would be helpful to readers such as myself if the article began with some basic information on the Cook Islands. How many populated islands? What area is covered? What is the total population, etc.? This kind of background would provide a context to such information as there being 1,000+ registered players.
• The lengthy section entitled "Local" is at present a bit of a hotchpotch of information, given rather randomly. At the moment there isn't a natural flow; for example, it seems to me that the first and the sixth paragraphs are related, and should be brought together. The overall heading of the section could be changed from "Local" to "History and development", and might be better organised into subsections dealing with, for example, (a) Sport in the Cook Islands, (b) Development of netball, (c) Internal competitions, (d) Social and cultural impact. These headings are just suggestions; you may have better ideas. I would change "International" to "International competition"

Competitive history

What are the first two lines of the main table trying to convey? They don't specify an event or a score, yet these are supposed to be "sample" results. On that point, offering a table of "sample" results is tricky; who chose these particular events as samples?It would be better to restrict the table to specific events such as the World Youth Netball Championships and the Commonwealth Games. Would the tables be better placed after the main text? There's a danger the last section may be overlooked.

Originally, I was thinking of trying to get a list of as many of the nation's international competitions as I could find. I removed all the rows where there was no score. (I also added a reference column and a few more events that the country has competed in.) The sample isn't so much a sample as it is the competitive history that I found when writing the article. Ultimately, as one of the primary contributors to this article, it would be great to have a complete list of the nation's international performances and possibly have it on its own page. I moved people up to after local. --LauraHale (talk) 03:36, 1 April 2011 (UTC)

"People" section

Having just said that, I in fact wonder if it is worth a separate section to record the activities of these people. Perhaps this information should be incorporated into the earlier sections (where the feats of Noovao and Matenga are already mentioned).

Prose generally

The prose is generally readable, though its organisation is sometimes puzzling. For example, in the second paragraph of the "Local" section there is a sudden change of topic, from the future status of netball as an Olympic sport to the nitty-gritty administration of netball facilities in the islands. There are other instances of this sort of thing in the text; perhaps when the article is given a more detailed structure, this problem will be eliminated. Generally, however, all articles benefit from a copyedit by an uninvolved editor before submission to the FAC process.

Referencing and citation

• There is a tendency to over-referencing. In general the same citation should not appear successively in the same paragraph; all the material is covered by the final cite. In the first paragraph of "Local" you have several successive cites to [18], and this happens elsewhere in the article, too. It is also unnecessary to use a string of references for relatively straightforward statement; "During this sporting event, the boys cross dress and wear the uniforms that are traditionally worn by women" has got four citations and a footnote.
• Looking at some of the citation formats, I'm a bit puzzled by some. For instance "Kautai et al. Tanga" (why not just Kautai et al?") The short citation style is not really appropriate to website sources ("Turk"). "Notes" should not consist of uncited statements.

Images

I wonder if enough has been done to seek out images for this article. More images would certainly brighten the text, even if they were only generic shots of island life or sports facilities. Images are not a requirement for featured articles, but it is generally expected that some effort is made to secure appropriate images - though sometimes a little imagination is required.

Not many images available related to sport that I could find on Flickr or on Commons. I found two that kind of possibly convey a sense sport in the Cook Islands and included them in the article. --LauraHale (talk) 03:24, 1 April 2011 (UTC)

I hope that these comments are helpful. Please contact my talkpage if you have queries arising from this review. I'd be happy to look at it again when you have responded to these points. Brianboulton (talk) 16:19, 29 March 2011 (UTC)

Racepacket comments: thank you for reaching out for additional comments on this article. As you know, I had a number of concerns which were unaddressed in the GA Review, which prompted me to fail it in the absence of some response from you.

• "The Cook Islands are a major netball playing country in Oceania," - avoid such judgmental language in the voice of Wikipedia. If a reliable source believes that Cook Islands should be described as major, attribute that opinion or quote the source.
• "Netball has grassroots support and plays an important part in the life of women on the islands." - same concern. Wikipedia does not make judgments.
• File:Thay997014 bordercropped.jpg - how is this relevant to the netball article?
• ", a sport at which the Cook Islands has participated in on a global stage." - be factual and don't try to "sell." If Cook Islands competes annually in international tournaments, say so. There is no "global stage."
• "joined the Silver Ferns in 1979" - remember that the typical reader will not know what the "Silver Ferns" are.
• "Each has its own colours: Teenui wears blue on top and white on the bottom;Tengatangi and Mapumai wears green on top and white on the bottom; Ngatirua wears black on top and bottom; and Areora wears red on top and white on the bottom. The Girls' Brigade, Girl Guides and Junior Missionary Volunteers also have their own uniforms and colours.[13]" - isn't this unencyclopedic trivia?
• "Netball plays an important role on the social life of Cook Island women. For their social activities, rather than go to bars, they play netball and go to church.[11][25]" - why assume that "going to a bar" is the alternative. Church-goers would be apt to go to church twice as much. This sentence is very normative.
• "Female players who make the national team are treated like minor celebrities." Perhaps you can add how many players make the national team to the sentence. Can you come up with a better phrase than "treated like minor selebrities."?
• "The South Pacific Mini Games are an example one sporting event that have been televised" - word missing?
• "The fifth version of the festival was held in 2008 at Aitutaki.[35] The 2011 edition of the games will be held in Mangaia." - can you please be consistent and call them both "editions"?
• " was to strengthen national sporting bodies like the netball association." - the first half of this sentence is WP:SYN since we are assuming that they meant to include netball. Is the term "national sporting bodies" or "national governing bodies"? Should the sentence use the official name of "the netball association." If the ref did not discuss the Cook Island netball association, then the second half of the senternce is WP:SYN as well.
• "aimed at seniors"->"aimed at players over the age of 65"??? (Please define seniors.)
• "Many people have been important in the push to develop the game in the Cook Islands and raise the profile of the national netball team on the global stage." - run on sentence. Why use the word "push?" What does "raise the profile... on the global stage" mean? Need ref. Again, Wikipedia has no opinion as to whether Cook Island has a netball profile or whether it is on the global stage. Need to attribute this to someone.
• "The nation's participation in the international netball community has raised the islands' visibility globally." - need to attribute this to someone other than Wikipedia.
• "The table below contains sample of Cook Islands results in individual international matches." - word missing. You need to set a criteria for inclusion in the table and announce the criteria in the introduction to the section. "Sample" is too vague.
• Note 2: "Most of the men and boys who play in these gender subverting netball games are straight, though a few of the men are laelae." - please rephrase in less nomative terms. Stick to English.

Please let me know if you have any questions. Racepacket (talk) 23:32, 3 April 2011 (UTC)