Nice guy

"Nice guy" is a term in the general public discourse and in popular culture for a male with certain personality traits and behaviour.

The "nice guys finish last" view

A common stereotype is that "nice guys finish last." The phrase is attributed to baseball manager Leo Durocher, though Durocher was originally referring to the opposing team rather than to male/female relationship dynamics. The full quote is, "All nice guys. They'll finish last. Nice guys. Finish last."

The "nice guys finish last" view is that there is a discrepancy between women's stated preferences and their actual choices in men: in other words, women say that they want nice guys, but really go for men who are "jerks", or "bad boys" in the end. Desrochers (1995) claims that many "sensitive" men do not believe that women want "nice guys" due to their personal experiences. According to McDaniel (2005), popular culture and dating advice "suggest that women claim they want a 'nice guy' because they believe that is what is expected of them when, in reality, they want the so-called 'challenge' that comes with dating a not-so-nice guy." Urbaniak & Kilmann (2003) write that "Although women often portray themselves as wanting to date kind, sensitive, and emotionally expressive men, the nice guy stereotype contends that, when actually presented with a choice between such a 'nice guy' and an unkind, insensitive, emotionally-closed, 'macho man' or 'jerk,' they invariably reject the nice guy in favor of his 'so-called' macho competitor."

Another perspective is that women do want "nice guys," at least when they are looking for romantic relationship. Desrochers (1995) suggests that "it still seems popular to believe that women in contemporary America prefer men who are 'sensitive,' or have feminine personality traits." Women have differing opinions about whether "nice guys finish last" sexually or not. Herold & Milhausen (1999) found that 56% of 165 university women agreed with the statement: "You may have heard the expression, 'Nice guys finish last.' In terms of dating, and sex, do you think women are less likely to have sex with men who are 'nice' than men who are 'not nice'?" A third view is that while "nice guys" may not be as successful at attracting women sexually, they may be sought after by women looking for long-term romantic relationships. Herold & Milhausen (1999) claim that "while nice guys may not be competitive in terms of numbers of sexual partners, they tend to be more successful with respect to longer-term, committed relationships." However, an immediate conclusion which may be drawn from this is that the longer-term, committed relationships were only sought by the women once they had had their lives overtaken by circumstances of pregnancy, abuse or disease. Another study [1] indicates that "for brief affairs, women tend to prefer a dominating, powerful and promiscuous man". Further evidence appears in a 2005 study in Prague - "Since women can always get a man for a one-night stand, they gain an advantage if they find partners for child-rearing" .

In 2003, Dr. Robert Glover published a book called, No More Mr. Nice Guy: A Proven Plan for Getting What you want in Love, Sex, and Life. Glover, a psychotherapist in Bellevue, WA, based his book on experience with his clients and his own life. His book traces the society and family origins of the "nice guy syndrome." His work led to the creation of an online support group for men [2].

Tony Clink offers an explanation for why many women are attracted to the jerk rather than the nice guy: "It's not because women like jerks. Women prefer polite over rude, and attentive over distracted. The problem is the way nice guys present these positive characteristics. In order to appear friendly and romantic, these 'nice guys' think they have to turn off their sexuality. They hide their desires in order not to offend, presenting an androgynous, asexual persona. The first impression they give is one of emasculation, weakness, and lack of desire. At best, they confuse the woman as to whether they even find her attractive. That's what jerks offer women that nice guys don't: they're not afraid to be sexual.".

Research

Researchers are also interested in the "nice guy" phenomenon (McDaniel 2005). Empirical research exists on studying perceptions of the "nice guy" phenomenon (some of which is cited above), women's self-reports or behavior, and comparisons of men's personality traits with their sexual or romantic success. Studies that explicitly use the term "nice guy" also cite empirical research that doesn't use that term, but which addresses qualities that are often associated with "niceness." Results of research are mixed and inconsistent (Herold & Milhausen 1998). Herold & Milhausen conclude that "the answer to the question 'Do nice guys finish last?' is complicated in that it is influenced both by the measurement instruments used and by subject characteristics."

The "nice guy" construct

One difficulty in studying the "nice guy" phenomenon is due to the ambiguity of the "nice guy" construct. Participants in studies interpret "nice guy" to mean different things. In their qualitative analysis, Herold & Milhausen (1998) found that women associate different qualities with the "nice guy" label: "Some women offered flattering interpretations of the nice guy, characterizing him as committed, caring, and respectful of women. Some women, however, emphasized more negative aspects, considering the nice guy to be boring, lacking confidence, and unattractive." There is also a negative phenomenon associated with the "nice girl" in the same respect. She may be considered to be a prude, boring and submissive. The bad boys were also divided into two categories, "as either confident, attractive, sexy, and exciting or as manipulative, unfaithful, disrespectful of women, and interested only in sex." Researchers have operationalized the "nice guy" and "jerk" constructs in different ways, some of which are outlined below (McDaniel 2005).

Results of research

Various studies explicitly try to elucidate the success, or lack thereof, of "nice guys" with women (Jensen-Campbell et al. 1995, Herold & Milhausen 1998, Urbaniak 2003, McDaniel 2005).

• Jensen-Campbell et al. (1995) operationalized "niceness" as prosocial behavior, which included agreeableness and altruism. They found that female attraction was a result of an interaction of both dominance and prosocial tendency. They suggest that altruism may be attractive to women when it is perceived as a form of agentic behavior.

• Herold & Milhausen (1998) asked a sample of undergraduate women "You meet two men. One, John, is nice but somewhat shy. He has not had any sexual experience. The other, Mike, is attractive, a lot of fun, and has had intercourse with 10 women. Both wish to date you. Whom do you choose?" 54% reported a preference for "John," 18% preferred "Mike," and the rest had no preference.

• Urbaniak & Killman (2003) constructed vignettes of four hypothetical dating show contestants: "Nice Todd" vs. "Neutral Todd" vs "Jerk Todd" vs. "Michael," who was created to be a control. "Nice Todd" described a "real man" as "in touch with his feelings," kind and attentive, non-macho, and interested in putting his partner's pleasure first. "Neutral Todd" described a "real man" as someone who "knows what he wants and knows how to get it," and who is good to the woman he loves. "Jerk Todd" described a "real man" as someone "knows what he wants and knows how to get it," who keeps everyone else on their toes, and avoids "touch-feely" stuff. "Michael" described a "real man" as relaxed and positive. In two studies, Urbaniak & Kilmann found that women preferred "Nice Todd" over "Neutral" over "Jerk Todd," relative to "Michael" even at differing levels of physical attractiveness. They also found that for purely sexual relationships, "niceness appeared relatively less influential than physical attractiveness." After acknowledging that women's preference for "niceness" could be inflated by the social desirability bias, especially due to their use of verbal scripts, they conclude that "our overall results did not favor the nice guy stereotype."

• McDaniel (2005) constructed vignettes of dates with a stereotypical "nice guy" vs. a stereotypical "fun/sexy guy," and attempted to make them both sound positive. Participants reported a greater likelihood of wanting a second date with the "nice guy" rather than with the "fun/sexy guy."

These studies also cite other research on heterosexual attraction that doesn't mention the "nice guy" term. They interpret various studies on female attraction to various traits in men (e.g. dominance, agreeableness, physical attractiveness, wealth, etc.), and on the sexual success of men with different personality traits, to shed light on the "nice guy" phenomenon.

• Sadalla, Kenrick, & Vershure (1985) found that women were sexually attracted to dominance in men (though dominance did not make men likable to women), and that dominance in women had no effect on men.

• Bogaert & Fisher (1995) studied the relationships between the personalities of university men and their amount of sexual partners. They found a correlation between a man's number of sexual partners, and the traits of sensation-seeking, hypermasculinity, physical attractiveness, and testosterone levels. They also discovered a correlation between maximum monthly number of partners, and the traits of dominance and psychoticism. Bogaert & Fisher suggest that an underlying construct labelled "Disinhibition" could be used to explain most of these differences. They suggest that Disinhibition would correlate negatively with Agreeableness and Conscientiousness from the Big five personality model.

• Botwin, Buss & Shackelford (1997) found that women had a higher preference for surgency and dominance in their mates than men did, in a study of dating couples and newlyweds. Shackelford has been criticized for this with some mockingly reffering to him as "Todd the Texas Sharp Shooter fallacy."

The Disease to Please

A condition very similar to the Nice Guy Syndrome was described by late Harriet Braiker in her 2001 bestselling book "The Disease to Please - Curing the People-Pleasing Syndrome". Like the Nice Guy, the People Pleaser will suppress his own needs in order to satisfy the perceived needs of others. However, while the Nice Guy Syndrome was clearly elaborated as a men-only problem, the Disease to Please focuses more on women who can have very similar behavior patterns.

Appearance in popular culture

• The landmark men's site: Manhood 101.com "Is the Nice Guy Really Nice?" [3]
• The 1986 best selling book "Nice Guys Sleep Alone" by "Bruce Feirstein"
• The 1987 film Mr. Nice Guy (1987 film)
• A Gang Starr album No More Mr. Nice Guy (Gang Starr album)
• In the 2006 film Casino Royale, Solange asks James Bond, "Why can't nice guys be more like you?" He replies: "Because then they'd be bad."
• "Nice Guys Finish Last," is the title of a song by the band Green Day. Some lines from the song are: "Your sympathy will get you left behind", and "Oh nice guys finish last, when you are the outcast / Don't pat yourself on the back you might break your spine."
• In the seduction community, "nice guys" are considered to be "Average Frustrated Chumps." In The Game, Neil Strauss defines an "Average Frustrated Chump" as "a stereotypical nice guy who has no pickup skills or understanding of what attracts women; a man who tends to engage in supplicative and wimpy patterns of behavior around women he has not yet slept with."
• The book, No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover, http://www.nomoremrniceguy.com
• The song "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Alice Cooper

See also

• Involuntary celibacy
• Love-shyness
• Sexual frustration
• Hypergamy
• Shyness
• Unrequited love
• Friend zone
• Bad boy (archetype)