Wikipedia:Requests for feedback

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Requests for Feedback

This page provides comments and constructive criticism about articles that you have drafted, created, or substantially changed. This is not a general help page. To seek assistance or ask a question, see Wikipedia:Questions. If you are seeking an outside opinion about a dispute, please follow the steps in Wikipedia:Dispute resolution. Please note that this page is patrolled by volunteer editors just like you and it may take several days to review your request.

Before you request feedback

There are certain things which come up again and again so it may help if you deal with them before requesting feedback: Does your article have reliable sources? These are important in terms of both verifiability and notability. Do you have a conflict of interest that may harm your ability to produce a neutral article? If you would like a beginner's guide to these sorts of issues, take a look at the article wizard. If you are unsure about how to edit Wikipedia articles, take a look at this tutorial. For a more general discussion of writing your first article, see "Your first article".

How to post a request

Place a Wikilink, with the title of the page inside [[ and ]] - for example, [[User:Example/Lipsum]] or [[Cats]] - in the box below. Click Click To Add Request In the new article, Write a brief summary of your work or what in particular you need help with, but do not post the whole article here. If you have rewritten an existing article, you may wish to provide a diff link from that article's history that shows your changes. Check regularly for responses to your request; they will most often be made here. ↓ Post your request using the box below. Replace "Untitled" with a wikilink to your article - e.g. [[User:Example/Lipsum]] or [[Cats]] ↓

After Receiving Feedback

Check back here often, as you will receive a response here. Respond to the feedback, either with a simple thank you, to ask for help with anything mentioned, or, after you've made some of the improvements, what they think of them. Consider helping out here in the future - anyone can read up on what articles should be like and provide constructive criticism.

Are you providing feedback?

Please consider notifying the user whose article you are providing feedback for by placing a message on their talk page, so they will be able to read it in a timely manner and reply if necessary. You can use.. {{Feedbackreply-sm}} A template asking the user to check back here and consider responding {{Feedbackreply-alt}} A more personal version of the first offering your help with developing, moving to mainspace, etc.

(For help, see Wikipedia:Purge)

The previous few days of requests are transcluded below. The pages for the past 20 days are: ()

• June 2
• June 3
• June 4
• June 5
• June 6
• June 7
• June 8
• June 9
• June 10
• June 11
• June 12
• June 13
• June 14
• June 15
• June 16
• June 17
• June 18
• June 19
• June 20
• June 21

Index of all requests for feedback

http://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=User:Agvorob/Grigory_Vorobiev

All,

Looking for some comments and suggestions on my first article on Wikipadia.

Thanks, --Agvorob (talk) 18:38, 19 August 2009 (UTC)

• I think you're off to a pretty good start. The key thing that's missing is reliable, third-party sources, for now don't worry about whether they're in English or Russian (although since this is the English Wikipedia, English is preferred when available). I suggest that you could go ahead and move it to articlespace and continue working on it there. cmadler (talk) 19:34, 19 August 2009 (UTC)

Kent Plantation House

Hello. I have created the Kent Plantation House article. Right now, I am editing it on my user pages. Please tell me what you think. Click here to go to my article.  Btilm  00:06, 29 August 2009 (UTC)

Could use some better prose but otherwise looks nice. You may want to consider a WP:DYK nom. -- œ^™ 04:14, 29 August 2009 (UTC)

The only thing that I think looks out of place is the price of admission and opening times - that has a tone of advertising! -- PhantomSteve (Contact Me, My Contribs) 00:18, 10 September 2009 (UTC)

principle of no-work-no-pay (dies non)

I have created this article about unauthorised absence of workers. Kindly send your valuable feedbacks on it.Anandkharebsnl (talk) 11:57, 5 September 2009 (UTC)

• Please look at wp:cite. While you have provided some references, the reference style could be improved.
• You need to establish {wp:n|Notability]]. I did a quick google search which convinced me that the phrase is common, even though I hadn't heard it before. However, whether I had heard of it or not, you need to establish that "no-work-no-pay" is notable - you have emphasized the references to "dies non", you need to add some for "no-work-no-pay".
• In your second section, you assert, without qualification "The doctrine of "no-work-no-pay" is a fundamental axiom in industrial relations." I don't believe this is universally true. Addling references will probably help you determine where and when the statement is valid.
• "When a person is employed, he is expected to carry out the work assigned to him." Please see if this can be written in a gender neutral fashion.
• "Even die-hard trade union leaders respect this principle of equity and natural justice." I don't believe this is universally true. Again, adding proper references will probably help you understand when and where it is true.
• In the fourth section, you are discussing the contents of a book. This is not a book review. It is good to have a reference to support the statements, but the statements should be written as statements about the concept in the banking industry, not statements about a book covering the industry.
• The fifth section just appears to be a cite from a law, not put into context. I can guess why you think it is relevant, but the reader shouldn't have to guess.
• The sixth section is a reference to a judgment, but the reference isn't properly formed, more importantly, there is no hint to the reader what was concluded and why it is relevant to this article.--SPhilbrickT 22:12, 5 September 2009 (UTC)

Re: Sphilbrick's comment about gender-neutral language: I have reworded the sentence (and the following one) so that it is gender-neutral. I agree with the other points Sphilbrick has made, plus would add the following point:

• In several places, the article mentions practises in India - although the lead section does not mention that the article is about India specifically. The references also refer to Indian publications. As Wikipedia is a world-wide encyclopedia, I would suggest that either it is made explicit that this article refers to an Indian legality, or (far more preferable in my opinion) a search for references in other parts of the world (including, by by no means limited to, the UK, the US, the European Union, etc). I have placed a globalize tag on the page with this in mind, and will leave a message on the article's talk page about this. -- PhantomSteve (Contact Me, My Contribs) 21:17, 7 September 2009 (UTC)

About elizabeth II

in the section about elizabeth II 1080's about when she was shot at by blank bullets you forgot to say that canada offerd the queen a home for her family to say so that she could be better protected —Preceding unsigned comment added by 142.177.60.71 (talk) 03:22, 7 September 2009 (UTC)

Task Force for International Cooperation on Holocaust Education, Remembrance and Research

Hello, I recently created my first wiki article, Task Force for International Cooperation on Holocaust Education, Remembrance, and Research, and have been gradually trying to improve it. Any feedback would be very useful - in particular in relation to tone, which seems to be a problem. Thanks --Kameyer (talk) 19:54, 7 September 2009 (UTC)

Bible translations by language

I just (roughly) completed a merge on this page, and it still needs a significant amount of editing to maintain its B class. Before I start on the detailing though, I would appreciate some high level perspective on the goals and format of this article. Specifically:

• This article was moved from List of Bible translations two years ago. Given its massive scope, it is only possible to provide a very brief treatment of every language in one article and I think it might be better to return to the previous name. Thoughts?
• The lead uses a non standard list format in lieu of a TOC. If this article is being transformed to a true list, should we remove the list from the lede and restore the TOC?
• Is it acceptable to footnote the external links (currently broken up by section) so they all appear in one section?
• What portions of this article's content are good candidates for splitting/deletion to reduce the article's size?
• Finally, there is an old suggestion on the talk page about converting this list into a sortable table. I like the idea. Does anyone have suggestions as to the appropriateness and feasibility of this suggestion? Jminthorne (talk) 21:53, 7 September 2009 (UTC)

Small add - as I look back at the page, I was mistaken about the B class statement; it is list class. Jminthorne (talk) 21:56, 7 September 2009 (UTC)

• First the article name: I don't think "list of Bible translations" is the right place. I'd go with "list of Bible translations by language" - that's what you really have. There's no problem with a list article having a substantial amount of non-list text also.
• I would remove the current list from the lede and replace it with a table of contents; however, it appears that some of the languages listed in the lede link directly to other articles rather than to sections of this one. You will want to make sure that each of these has a section in this article (even if the section consists only of a "see...") so they all show up in your new TOC.
• It is certainly acceptable to combine all the external links in a single section at the end; in fact, that's the normal practice. But that might not work well for this article given the size and the intent to gradually spin off sections as their own articles.
• In thinking about whether a section is big enough to stand on its own, I'd look at three factors. First, how much content is already written. The Cherokee section could probably be split off as a non-stub article as is. Second, how much could be written. There is probably not much that could ever be written about translations into Pipil, for example (unless a Bible translation helps revitalize the language). Finally, consider sources. If you don't have a source you can't write about it.
• I would not convert this into a sortable table. I just don't see how to make that work well.
• Do consider other ways to organize this information. For example, rather than listing alphabetically by language (which creates obvious problems for the table of contents), consider organizing them by language family (see List of language families). Then your top-level headings would be: Indo-European, Sino-Tibetan, Niger-Congo, Afro-Asiatic, Austronesian, Dravidian, Altaic, Austro-Asiatic, Tai-Kadai, Japonic, and Other (isolates, mixed languages, unclassified, etc.). If you brainstorm on it, I'm sure you can come up with other ways to organize that make more sense than "A-F", "G-L", etc. Thanks, cmadler (talk) 17:39, 10 September 2009 (UTC)

Parent Company Guarantee

Embarrassed when I received a late night text from my boss mentioning a PCG and I had to ask him what it stood for I was forced into my first Wikipedia article. Does it cut the mustard? Improvement welcomed. DrJock (talk) 17:26, 8 September 2009 (UTC)

The article needs a lot more context and explanation. Is this a legal principle or requirement, or is it an option that such a parent company can choose to offer? Both sources are in the UK, is this UK-specific or international? If the former, why, and if the latter, how does it vary from country to country? Are there any noteworthy examples of this? Related terms/principles? What is the history of this, both in practice and of the specific term? When and where did it originate? How common/widespread is it? Thanks, cmadler (talk) 15:01, 10 September 2009 (UTC)

I know the term as "parental guarantee" although a quick search doesn't indicate that this is a more common term. It may be worth noting that there are alternatives— something like "also known as "parental guarantee". (adding to cmadler's point, it is highly likely that the phrasing varies from legal jurisdiction to legal jurisdiction, so it may be worth checking a bit to see when each option is used.)I think the reference to contractor makes the concept too narrow. It is not uncommon for the parent of an insurance company to have to make a parental guarantee—specifically that the parent would pay obligations associated with insurance policies issued by the subsidiary. I see this as a classic example, but it isn't really a contractor relationship.--SPhilbrickT 23:28, 11 September 2009 (UTC)

Okay now to remove the BLP banner on the Robert Conley page?

I added more references to the Robert Conley Wikipedia page. They are primary source material from highly credible sources (The New York Times Archives, NBC News Archives, NPR online, Carnegie Foundation), fully supporting the who what, where, and when of the simple, factual claims made on the page. I think the page looks well referenced and ready for normal treatment. May I ask you to sanction the removal of the "additional references needed" banner?

Also, after one of the redesigns by one of the Wikipedia editors, where he/she collapsed four sections into one, there are four, relic, "section edit" boxes all in a row now, three of which should probably be deleted now, no?

Sincerely, Sinequaoui (talk) 13:53, 9 September 2009 (UTC)

One thing we don't do a good job of is explaining that anyone can remove the notice if they feel they have complied. That said, if someone added such a notice to an article I had worked on, I would want them to agree it is now OK. Looks to me like you did a great job, so go ahead and remove it. As to the multiple "edit" boxes, that's a glitch created by the fact that there are several images on the right side. WP:BUNCH addresses the issue, but I confess I haven't tried it myself, and I've seen other report that it works sometimes but not others. You might try putting one or more of the images on the left (but not the first).--SPhilbrickT 23:38, 11 September 2009 (UTC)

William Stanley (Victorian inventor)

I have created the above page of a very well known person in the South Norwood and Croydon areas of South London.

I have all the information there, all cited (using books, websites and newspaper articles - both online and offline).

All I need now is advice on how to tidy it up!

This is the first time that I have created a new article about a person in detail.

Any advice would be gratefully received! Thanks. -- PhantomSteve (Contact Me, My Contribs) 23:54, 9 September 2009 (UTC)

Starting points would be:

• You have two different sets of footnotes that could probably be merged together. Also, I can't find any full citation for "Akpan", what is it?
• Take a look at the Manual of Style for biographies. Particular items that jump out at me include:
  • The alphabet soup of terms after his name in the lead, for which I can't find an explanation in the article.
  • The lead should give more context. What are one or two specific things for which he is best known?
• Consider rewriting the "Personal life and education" and "Work" sections. These seem to be a recitation of facts about him which jump around topically, and in many cases are single-sentance paragraphs.
• Consider changing the "Legacy" section from a bullet-pointed list to paragraphs.
• Several sections of the article are long lists, such as "Selected works". Consider moving these to the end of the article, after all the text, but still before the citations.
• At the end of the "References" section, you have some additional listings, which it appears were not used in this article. Consider putting those in a separate section or sub-section, such as "Further reading".
• For more detailed biography-specific advice, consider also asking for help at WikiProject Biography.

Good luck! cmadler (talk) 14:38, 10 September 2009 (UTC)

Thanks for you feedback, cmadler. A couple of responses from me about them, as they are very helpful! (I'm going to print this off, along with the MOS entry, to refer to when working on the article)

1. The "Akpan" is refering the the book I used by Eloise Akpan, which was in the reference list, just after the citations list! I have moved it to be with the Notes section.
2. I will remove the letters after his name, as they are not required - they show the societies that he was a fellow of, but they could be removed with no loss!
3. The layout and re-writing advise you have given is invaluable - I will spend some time working on this (I started re-writing it as it was a whole lot of "In 1865, he ..." followed by the next paragraph "In 1867, he...", etc - it looked more like a diary than anything else!)
4. I will move the extra references into a separate section, as you advise.

I will do some more work on it over the next fews days (kids allowing!) and leave a message back here when I would appreciate further input (from you or others!) I will also leave a message at WP Biog when I do that

Once again, thanks for your invaluable constructive criticism, which is really helpful. -- PhantomSteve (Contact Me, My Contribs) 15:12, 10 September 2009 (UTC)

I have restructured the Notes/References section (merging into a Notes and References section), with the Akpan references listed after the citation for the book. I have also put the others in a "Further Reading". I'll do more work on this tonight (hopefully) and during the next few days. -- PhantomSteve (Contact Me, My Contribs) 15:21, 10 September 2009 (UTC)

Schloss Eggenberg (Graz)

This article deals with the history and construction of Schloss Eggenberg in Graz. It draws on a number of sources including original Joanneum website information. I would like feedback on the article in every form to improve not only this article but others that I may wish to write dealing with the principle actors surrounding Schloss Eggenberg and the House of Eggenberg.

Oops, didn't properly link in the last post :-)

Thank you Smf77 (talk) 10:30, 10 September 2009 (UTC)

• I wouldn't be too concerned about the use of the Joanneum website for citing facts, but value judgements such as the first sentance of the article need indepenant sourcing.
• Five of the external links all go to the Joanneum museum website, unless these subpages are difficult to find it would probably be better just to give one main link for that site.
• If it were me, I'd restructure the "Further Information" and "Notes and References" sections. Consider giving the full listings for all cited works once, in one place, using shorter listings for the footnotes, and only listing works that are not cited nor used as references for this article as "Further reading".
• In section titles, only the first word and proper nouns should be capitalized. ("The Construction History of the Palace" should be "The construction history of the palace".) Likewise, be careful not to capitalize common nouns in the text. See Noun#Proper_nouns_and_common_nouns.
• There are a number of statements in the article that really need citations, which you may be able to provide from the currently referenced works. (Examples: "In addition, three exquisite East Asian cabinets were integrated into the sequence of rooms." "From the early modern era there is only 1 view of Osaka (unfortunately in a poor condition), so these works are especially noteworthy.")

I hope this helps some. cmadler (talk) 14:03, 10 September 2009 (UTC)

Draft article for Lake Erie Transit

I have a good basic article on Lake Erie Transit, a public bus service in SE Michigan. Saw that Toledo's TARTA has one, read some neat green features for LET and so drafted something. Found some good newspapers articles too. I used the helpme feature and received some help.

If anyone has time, would appreciate any other feedback. The article is on my special userpage http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/User:Glasscity09/Lake_Erie_Transit

--Glasscity09 (talk) 17:00, 10 September 2009 (UTC)

That article is definitely off to a good start. I'd suggest that you go ahead and move it to Lake Erie Transit - go to the current location of the article, click the "Move" tab near the top of the screen, and put the new article name in the box when prompted.

Some other suggestions:

• It looks like one of your references is cited twice. Instead of giving a full second citation, consider naming the reference so it can be used more than once.
• Make sure to give the correct article title in each of your references. When using the citation template, the "title" is the title of the specific article cited, not the larger work.
• The first mention of the subject of the article is always bolded.
• Consider uploading a photo or two. Search for appropriately licensed images on Flickr, ask friends, or take some photos yourself.

Thanks, cmadler (talk) 17:58, 10 September 2009 (UTC)

I realized there was wrong info on the Lake Erie Transit Bus Transit info box. The original has a place for daily ridership. I have only found annual ridership (of about 400k). But, I don't know how to change the default Daily ridership to Annual??? Any suggestions? For now, I simply left that area blank. Thanks. --Glasscity09 (talk) 03:05, 16 September 2009 (UTC)

Wikipedia allows routine arithmetic calculations, including division. Assuming a 365-day operating year, 400,000 annual riders is approximately 1,096 daily riders, though since the initial figure is approximate, it might be better to say "about 1,100 daily riders" to avoid false precision. Thanks, cmadler (talk) 13:06, 16 September 2009 (UTC)

My article on Mscore has no feedback and is still sitting in my contributions

When will this be reviewed and possibly made a live page for people to find?

Thanks! Dstokey —Preceding unsigned comment added by Dstokey (talk • contribs) 17:19, 10 September 2009 (UTC)

I think you misunderstand how the feedback requests work. Articles (especially those in user space such as your one User:Dstokey/Mscore) are not automatically reviewed. You need to make a request for it to be reviewed, by placing an entry on this page. To do this, go to the top of this page and read How to post a request and following the instructions there -- PhantomSteve (Contact Me, My Contribs) 17:39, 10 September 2009 (UTC)

This article is not appropriately written, and may not be an appropriate topic for Wikipedia. It is written like a press release or advertisement, does not give a good explanation of the significance of Mscore, and does not cite any reliable, third party sources. Thanks, cmadler (talk) 17:42, 10 September 2009 (UTC)

(edit conflict) A very quick (and I mean quick, as I've got to go offline in a minute) shows no references to independent sources (see WP:RELIABLE_SOURCES, and no specific indication of notability. However, if I get a chance to look at it later, I will - but no promises! -- PhantomSteve (Contact Me, My Contribs) 17:43, 10 September 2009 (UTC)

George Tsimbidaros-Fteris

Hello, I recently published an article I wrote about George Fteris, a famous Greek writer who wrote a song which had an impact on the Greks in WWII. It was rated as a "start class" article, and I am having troubles getting peer review to work. So, I would like feedback and suggestions for the article. Thanks a lot, --Iliada 13:31, 11 September 2009 (UTC)

I haven't looked at the article in depth, but two impressions came across:

1. although there are 4 references, there seemed a lot of parts of the article that weren't referenced, so they would benefit with more referencing
2. the final reference (Βενιζελέας, Γ.Η.. "ΓΕΩΡΓΙΟΣ ΦΤΕΡΗΣ") - if Google Translate is to be believed, this would be Venizelea, G.I.. "GEORGE FTERIS" - May I suggest that it be cited as Βενιζελέας, Γ.Η. (Venizelea, G.I). "ΓΕΩΡΓΙΟΣ ΦΤΕΡΗΣ" ("George Fteris") (in Greek) or even Venizelea, G.I. "ΓΕΩΡΓΙΟΣ ΦΤΕΡΗΣ" ("George Fteris") (in Greek)? Personally, I'd go for the latter, as this is the English-language wikipedia!

If I get a chance to, I'll look at it in more detail later -- PhantomSteve (Contact Me, My Contribs) 14:45, 11 September 2009 (UTC)

I agree with the first suggestion on the second point. I believe the guideline is that names should be given in their original language, and that when it uses a different alphabet, a transliteration should also be given. There's a policy or guideline on this somewhere, I've seen it within the last two days, but I can't find it at the moment. cmadler (talk) 15:16, 11 September 2009 (UTC)

I thought I'd seen it before, but what I found is Wikipedia:Verifiability#Non-English_sources which states that any quotations should be transliterated. Of course, if an English-language edition of the book was ever published, this would be the preferable source, but my searches didn't find any. Also, looking at the source for that citation [1], it says at the bottom of the page Δημοσίευση στη μηνιαία εικονογραφημένη επιθεώρηση «ΤΑΫΓΕΤΟΣ ΚΑΙ ΜΑΝΙΑΤΕΣ» του εκδότη Παν. Πετροπουλέα, Τ. 4 Μάιος 1978., which Google Translate renders as Published in monthly illustrated review «TAYGETOS AND MANIATES» issuer Univ. Petropoulos, T. 4 May 1978. - I couldn't find a reference to the book there. A Google search of the site reveals a few references to Βενιζελέας, Γ.Η/Γιώργου Η. Βενιζελέα (Venizelea George H) on various pages, as an illustrator. I think we need a fluent English/Greek editor to look at this in more detail - I think the citation should either be as a {{cite web}} one for that website, or as a {{cite news}} for Taygetos and Maniates - although I think that particular site is more to do with the third reference. *sigh* I wish I could read Greek myself -- PhantomSteve (Contact Me, My Contribs) 15:56, 11 September 2009 (UTC)

Ian Miller (illustrator), John Blanche, Confounding Factor (games company)

Hello. The title includes three article pages, which are the only ones I have started myself. The first two are fairly old now, although I have been doing some heavy editing on them in recent days, the third is a new page. I was looking around Wiki at help pages, etc., and found this page, so I thought I would seek some feedback as I have been working on each page as sole creator and editor. Any feedback and suggestions ould be appreciated. Thanks in advance. LSmok3 (talk) 12:51, 12 September 2009 (UTC)

Ian Miller

It is usual to include notability in the opening lead. Perhaps the Fighting Fantasy reference qualifies - it doesn't mean much to me, and he wasn't close tot he principal illustrator for the series, so I wonder if it qualifies. Illustrating Lovecraft means more to me, could that be mentioned?

The school reference in the Early life section was incorrect—I've fixed it. However, the main text now lists the name of the school at the time he attended it, and the info box lists the different, current name of the school. Potentially confusing. I don't know the best solution—one option is to include a parenthetical reference (now the Central Saint Martins College of Art and Design) in the Early Life section, but you may think up a better solution.

The first reference isn't searchable, which isn't your fault, but it might be worth a quick glance around to see if there is a higher quality version anywhere.

My main concern is that the Career section is a sequence of very short, one and occasionally two sentence paragraphs. I don't see an obvious way to combine, but it comes across as choppy. Given that the paragraphs are addressing different issues, the ideal approach would be to expand a few of them. Consider that option if you have the time and interest to make it a better article.--SPhilbrickT 14:51, 12 September 2009 (UTC)

Thanks for your input. Firestly, with regard to notability, he is well-known among FF fans and officionados for his early work for the series. Perhaps more important is the ref to Games Workshop, which is FF-related. Generally Miller is known in RPG circles, which includes both FF and GW (as one website puts it "fanboys know him from Games Workshop" here. The ref to his Lovecraft paperback contributions is merely one part of his general career as a book illustrator, and to be honest I only included it because I found a citable web source: even as a long-standing fan, it was news to me. He has also illustrated Tolkien-related material, which I'll work into the Career text somewhere (I have already added him to . Personally, although I have found one web ref to the Lovecraft paperbacks, I don't really feel it is a major enough part of his career for which he is known to include in the intro. His work for Wizards (the Bakshi film) is also of major note.

I see what you mean about the school name. I agree, the best solution would be the current title in parenthesis.

The (online version of the) first ref (to the Fantasy Art book) isn't searchable, no; it's a PDF made of images. Sadly I have searched around for online content for this, with no luck; it's very OOP, and apparently too obscure to be online in full anywhere - I only found the one I've used because it's included on the artist's official site. It would also be good to have access to a copy of Ratspike, for both Miller and Blanche, and some of his other books, but they are also hard to get hold of. . . I was hoping someone with a copy might turn up and add (properly) to the page. . .

I agree that the main body is, as you put it, choppy, made up of short paras. The problem is the lack of citable biographical information out there. Most sites just feature the artwork, and the only bio data I have is from the primary source (his site), and the book. That's it really. As I said, it would be good to have a copies of his other books, assuming they contain any biog. content, but for now I'm a bit stuck for ways to expand.

Thanks for your help. LSmok3 (talk) 16:21, 12 September 2009 (UTC)

[[2]]

I have written an article on Dale Graybill who is notable due to his being involved in a Ponzi type of scheme which affected many people around the U.S.A.

He bilked investors to what amounted to over 10$ Million USD. The references or citations are department of Justice, FBI and IRS news release Documents. Also from newspapers in the local connecticut area. If you could please review the article and let me know if any changes need to be made I would greatly appreciate it. Expiditer (talk) 05:12, 14 September 2009 (UTC)

First, you are to be commended for starting this in a sandbox. I wish more people would follow your lead.

However, there are a number of problems with the article as it currently exists.

There are general layout issues - please take a look at WP:LAYOUT for some useful advice.

Specifically, it is important to have a WP:LEAD section establishing notability.

I don't know whether this person will meet the Notability threshold. While his Ponzi-scheme might, that does not automatically make the rest of his life (spouse, her career, his religion) notable. I hope someone more conversant in this issue will weigh in—I'd hate to encourage you to work on making this better if it is not going to meet the threshold.

Your need more references to the event in reliable sources. Yes, you do have some references, but where is the evidence this was discussed widely in the press?

Please make sure to review WP:CITE to see how to cite sources.

Sorry, I wish I could be more positive. Writing an article as your first contribution to Wikipedia is harder than some people realize. Consider making edits to other existing article to get a feel for how articles are structured.--SPhilbrickT 12:53, 14 September 2009 (UTC)

Please also take a look at the policy on biographies of living people, which applies in this case. It needs to be very carefully written and very well sourced to reliable sources. Thanks, cmadler (talk) 13:53, 14 September 2009 (UTC)

Thank you for your contributions, I appreciate the help, I do have a question however. If someone is notable, because of a deed or deeds that they do, doesn't that make them as a person, a notable person? Expiditer (talk) 03:18, 16 September 2009 (UTC)

Not necessarily. See "people notable only for one event" for a thorough explanation with examples. cmadler (talk) 12:57, 16 September 2009 (UTC)

I'm just trying to give you a heads up that notability for a deed does not automatically create notability for the people involved. (I wrote this before Cmadler weighed in with similar point) While it will often be the case, it doesn't always follow, so you will want to make sure there are reliable sources discussing the person, not just the event. An alternative would be to write an article about the Graybill Ponzi case (or something similar) and write it from the point of view of the incident, rather than as a biography. That would allow you to concentrate on sourcing the incident, and not have to deal with the fact that sourcing other details about the person are extremely thin.--SPhilbrickT 17:29, 19 September 2009 (UTC)

Marlene Tseng Yu

Hello, Wiki Editors!
I have created my first article in my userspace: Marlene Tseng Yu. Please help me to edit it and move it to articlespace, as I am not sure of the technical procedure to move it to articlespace (please advise). I will wait 4-5 days and make (10?) necessary changes in the meantime. Any feedback or changes are welcomed. Thanks!
Anav7043 (talk) 17:59, 15 September 2009 (UTC)

Thank you for creating this page in your userspace! I think this article is suitable for articlespace, and you can find full instructions on how to move a page at Help:Moving a page#How to move a page. If you have trouble with this, let me know and I can help you. One particular part of the article that could probably use a little cleaning up is the "External links" section, which strikes me as fairly long. Take a look at Wikipedia's external links guideline, and you may find that some of the links you've given should probably be removed. Thanks, cmadler (talk) 18:59, 15 September 2009 (UTC)

Thank you very much for your help! I appreciate it, and will make some changes. If I may post another question here, I would like to ask, how about "Categories"? Is that section automatically generated based on content? I know I am doing something wrong, as I tried to insert into the article the following, and it didn't work:

Categories: 1937 births Categories: Abstract expressionist artists Categories: American painters Categories: Asian Americans Categories: Chinese Americans Categories: Living People Categories: Modern painters Categories: University of Colorado alumni Categories: Women artists
Anav7043 (talk) 13:37, 16 September 2009 (UTC)

You're close. I see that you used the DEFAULTSORT template, which is good, it ensures that the article is listed under the person's last name. To put an article in (for example) the category called "1937 births", you would type [[Category:1937 Births]]. Also, since the category "Chinese Americans" is a subcategory of "Asian Americans", you would only want to include her in the former, not the latter. See Wikipedia:Categorization for more details. Thanks, cmadler (talk) 13:43, 16 September 2009 (UTC)

Also, keep in mind that it's best to make the categories as specific as possible, so instead of "Women artists", you might use "American women artists". cmadler (talk) 13:51, 16 September 2009 (UTC)

Excellent feedback! Thank you for all of your helpful advice. I have removed almost all of the external links as per the guideline, added categories, and specified the categories further as advised. Now I am waiting for the "move" button to appear. Does the ten required edits only apply to articles or can they also be changes to posts such as this one? If the ten edits only apply to articles, are they applied only towards articles in articlespace or can they apply towards articles I have in my userspace? I'm not sure what else to edit in the article I currently have in my userspace during the next couple of days. I am grateful for any suggestions. Perhaps I will try adding a photo.
Anav7043 (talk) 19:15, 18 September 2009 (UTC)

The move button appeared. The article in my userspace has been moved to article namespace.

Anav7043 (talk) 03:45, 19 September 2009 (UTC)

Article for review, Dale Graybill

Hello, I have made and article to the best of my ability as a noob, I would like to have a peer review. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/User:Expiditer/Sandbox 01:38, 16 September 2009 (UTC)

Sorry I did the article below as well, but i messed it up Expiditer (talk) 01:38, 16 September 2009 (UTC)

I have some thoughts on your article:

1. When writing an article it's best to establish why the topic of your article is important in the first sentence (see 1st sentence format here). Just being convicted of tax evasion doesn't establish notability itself b/c many people have been convicted of the same thing. Also, since you're article is about a person you should also establish who he is in the first sentence, i.e. full name and birth date if known. Here's a good example of another article about someone else convicted of the same crime. In all wikipedia articles, the topic (in your case Dale Graybill) should always in bold font in the first sentence.
2. Because your article is small I only think the lead needs to be one paragraph. The 2nd and 3rd paragraphs sound like they should be in the body of you article MOS:BEGIN.
3. I really think you should wikilink Ponzi scheme in your article. What a ponzi scheme is, is not described in your article and I had no idea what it was until I searched for it on wikipedia. I would suggest giving a basic, textbook definition of what a ponzi scheme is to clarify what kind of crime you're describing and also wikilinking it so that people who want to learn more can go to the full article.
4. Your table of contents is a little odd to me. I don't think the "conviction" and "sentencing" section should be under "born". I also don't think you need that many sections because it makes your article appear choppy. It doesn't flow as smoothly because most of your prose is broken up into very small sections. I would suggest changing the born section into "early life" and putting "religion" and "marriage" within that section. I don't think there's a wikipedia policy on how TOC should be, this was just my opinion based on what I've seen. Here's a list of other articles about people convicted of tax evasion. Look at some of those and you can get a better idea of how to format your T.O.C.
5. You've provided good references but they need to be formatted correctly. Here's a list of citation templates. At minimum, it's most important to give retrieval dates for when you accessed a website. That way people who want to fact check you can use the wayback machine to do so.

If you like, You visit the wikipedia page on 1st articles for other guidelines WP:1ST. Hope this helps // Gbern3 (talk) 18:51, 16 September 2009 (UTC)

As I noted above, an alternative would be to rewrite the article about the Graybill Ponzi case (or something similar); writing it from the point of view of the incident, rather than as a biography. That would allow you to concentrate on sourcing the incident, and not have to deal with the fact that sourcing other details about the person are extremely thin.--SPhilbrickT 17:31, 19 September 2009 (UTC)

Article

One Dale Graybill who has been convicted of a ponzi scheme (hence notablility) has affected the retirements of people around the United States . You or someone you know may have been affected by his actions. The Dollar amount is over $10,000,000.00 (10 mill. USD.)

I need to move it to articlespace and make it public , Your reviews and comments are appreciated. Expiditer (talk) 01:35, 16 September 2009 (UTC)

User:Ifokkema/LOVD_(Leiden_Open_Variation_Database)

Hi guys, This is my first article in which I found myself struggling between making it clearly notable without using terms like "most popular" or "most used". I would appreciate any comments you may have, before I move it to the articlespace. Thanks! Ifokkema (talk) 09:22, 16 September 2009 (UTC)

If it is the most popular or the most used, the article should say that, but it needs to be cited. The other suggestion that immediately occured to me is that when you move it to articlespace, you should put it at Leiden Open Variation Database with a redirect from LOVD, and switch the beginning of the article to read "The Leiden Open Variation Database (LOVD) is..." Thanks, cmadler (talk) 13:37, 16 September 2009 (UTC)

Thank you very much for your time and your suggestions! I have made the corrections and will now move the article to the location you suggested. Ifokkema (talk) 11:23, 17 September 2009 (UTC)

Hip hop dance

I posted this article for peer review here and sent out some invitations to specific users to try and generate feedback but no one has commented so far. Since it's been almost a week, I thought I would request feedback here. Just so you're aware, this is a long article (77KB) but it was necessary to bring it to this level in order to present the history of the dance and to meet Featured article criteria of being well-researched and comprehensive. It wasn't developed enough before and at times presented some misleading information so I feel the length is justified. I would appreciate any comments. // Gbern3 (talk) 17:49, 16 September 2009 (UTC)

After your peer review (if you ever get one - the backlog there is very long) you might consider a Good Article Nomination before you go for Featured Article. cmadler (talk) 19:22, 16 September 2009 (UTC)

Sounds like a good idea. Thanks for the advice. // Gbern3 (talk) 17:30, 17 September 2009 (UTC)

I would just list it at WP:GAN immediately if I were you. It's not unusual for articles to go unreviewed there for over a month. Regards, decltype (talk) 01:13, 20 September 2009 (UTC)

askwomen

the page keeps getting blocked and ready for deletion ? — Preceding unsigned comment added by Leroysushi (talk • contribs) 01:52, 17 September 2009 (UTC)

Please do not use {{helpme}} in pages other than your user talk page. The page Askwomen has been deleted on grounds of A1 and A3. Though I, as a non-administrator, cannot see the page, my knowledge of WP:CSD tells me that it was because the article was either so short as not to provide any context whatsoever (i.e., he is nice. he drives a fast car), or composed of rubbish text (i.e., adkfha;lkghsfkghskjh). All articles need to comply with article guidelines. See WP:FIRST for more details. Intelligentsium 02:15, 18 September 2009 (UTC)

You seem to be a bit confused about what Wikipedia is, and equally important, what Wikipedia is not. The page you created did not really resemble an encyclopedic article. I recommend checking out some of the links posted by Intelligentsium above. Regards, decltype (talk) 01:22, 20 September 2009 (UTC)

Annuity Leads

Need someone to review my post on Annuity Leads so it can be published — Preceding unsigned comment added by Wikilogin1 (talk • contribs)

Megaregions

Feedback requested for userspace draft at User:IrvingPlNYC/megaregions.

This is either WP:OR or needs major work with Citations. If this response is too cryptic, let me know and I'll expand.--SPhilbrickT 17:40, 19 September 2009 (UTC)

Coproduction of public services by service users and communities

This page reflects a major new movement in public policy, which has already been widely written up in the academic literature. It is intended to signpost Wikipedia readers to the growing literature on the subject. — Preceding unsigned comment added by Tony Bovaird (talk • contribs)

While you have a lot of references, you haven't cited a single one of them. Please take a look at WP:LAYOUT and in particular, the Notes and References section, which directs you to WP:CITE--SPhilbrickT 17:50, 19 September 2009 (UTC)

Blatant fork. Coproduction (social science) is currently lacking any external links so there is plenty of scope for Tony to create links there. — [[::User:RHaworth|RHaworth]] (talk · contribs) 22:15, 19 September 2009 (UTC)

Jamaica Society of Energy Engineers Article

This page gives a brief outline of the Jamaica Society of Energy Engineers and how it was established. See article http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jamaica_Society_of_Energy_Engineers

Great article!!

Mddwilliams (talk) 22:47, 18 September 2009 (UTC)

Great start! Please take a look at WP:FOOTNOTES. You are providing citations, but it is desirable to add access dates to web cites. Also, I find it very useful to use the cite tool, which you can enable by going to user preferences, then Gadgets, and selecting "reftools" in the Editing Gadgets section. This makes it easy to do citations.--SPhilbrickT 17:58, 19 September 2009 (UTC)

New page Industry (Irish band)

Hi, recently saved my first new page to wikipedia (see above title). provided references for all info within article. tried to layout the page as per other articles. Could you take a look/clean up/improve layout if not up to standard.

Kind regards,

Bryan (basedshift09)

Good start! Please take a look at WP:FOOTNOTES. You are providing citations, but it is desirable to add access dates to web cites. Also, I find it very useful to use the cite tool, which you can enable by going to user preferences, then Gadgets, and selecting "reftools" in the Editing Gadgets section. This makes it easy to do citations. Also, check out WP:LDR for a new (this week) method of doing references, which leaves the main page a little less messy. --SPhilbrickT 19:00, 19 September 2009 (UTC)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vicente_Villarin

Hi,

I am writing about an up and coming fashion line, Vicente Villarin. First time using Wikipedia and would like to have this reviewed.

Thanks

I guess I'm too late, as it has been deleted. Don't forget, if you had content you think could be expanded into an acceptable article, ask for Usification--SPhilbrickT 19:02, 19 September 2009 (UTC)

Please Review

Please review HARTFORD MOTORCYCLES TAIWAN for cleanup.

Thanks!

Where? Or if you don't know how to do that, tell me who you are and I'll find it.--SPhilbrickT 19:04, 19 September 2009 (UTC)

This question was posted by Atreyue (talk · contribs) 04:51, 19 September 2009, and presumably concerns the article Hartford Motorcycles Taiwan, which was deleted because it was considered unambiguous advertising.

Atreyue, I cannot 'see' the deleted article, but I suggest that you read the business FAQ; Wikipedia is not a place to post advertisements.  Chzz  ►  00:40, 20 September 2009 (UTC)

Vanished (Bakluon)

Any general feeback would be appreciated?

Are the citations acceptable in the External Links section?

Matthew Robinson Executive Producer Khmr Mekong Films

There is no reason to duplicate the references in the external links section. I'll see if I can improve it in any other way. decltype (talk) 19:24, 19 September 2009 (UTC)

Bacalar Chico National Park and Marine Reserve

I have just written an article on a national park and UNESCO World Heritage Site in Ambergris Caye, Belize. It outlines the history, governance, and natural features of the park. This is my first article for Wikipedia, so any help would be greatly appreciated.

Muidergracht (talk) 11:30, 19 September 2009 (UTC)Muidergract

Please take a look at WP:FOOTNOTES. You are proving references, but you haven't tied them back to the main text material. Your sourcing style doesn't fit any of the Wikipedia options, but take a look at a new option WP:LDR, which you can use to adapt your style to relatively easily. Consider paragraph breaks, your sections are long single paragraphs.--SPhilbrickT 19:12, 19 September 2009 (UTC)

Sol B River

I have written an entry for the writer Sol B River, if anyone would be kind enough to feedback ... I can be contacted on <<redacted>>

Please take a look at WP:LAYOUT and in particular, the Notes and References section, which directs you to WP:CITE. Please sign talk pages (but not article pages) by typing four tildes ~~~~ at the end.--SPhilbrickT 19:16, 19 September 2009 (UTC)

I've edited the article quite a lot, changing the inappropriate external links to Wikilinks and references as appropriate; I've tagged the article regarding further areas of concern.  Chzz  ►  01:52, 20 September 2009 (UTC)

Please review the article Satya Portal Pack and give your feedback.

hamburgerz

please review this article

Morris Katz

This is the first page I've created. I think I overused the inline citations. Is there a way to simply say "ibid." or something like that? (I just cut and pasted formats from other pages.)

Please, if you know about artist Morris Katz (King of Toilet Paper Art, fastest painter in the world, etc.), add to this page. Dcs002 (talk) 09:22, 20 September 2009 (UTC)