Allegany High School

Allegany High School is a high school (grades 9 to 12) in Cumberland, Allegany County, Maryland.

Allegany High School was built as Allegany County High School in 1887. The current principal is Michael Calhoun, and the vice principals are Ray Kiddy and Heidi Laupert.

As of 2005 it had 825 students and 49 teachers. Students were 93% white, 5% African-American and 2% Asian. 19% were eligible for reduced lunch, less than the state average of 27%.

Allegany High School is known for it's marching band. It is under the direction of Larry Jackson and Brian White. It's Drum Major is Senior Kayla Bloom. Allegany was recently placed 9th at TOB at Scranton, PA however, it has been ranked number one on the road. The band has winds, pit, and a color guard.

History

Allegany high school was formed in 1789 by the great John Humberson. Mr. Humberson was an Indian pimp who needed to educate his subjects on the ways of the pimp. When Mr. Humberson died in 1850 of a accidental suicide, the school was turned over to the the people of Cumberland. Not knowing what a school was the people of Cumberland held mass sacrifices in the school, where hundreds of little babies were eaten by the townspeople. Finally in 1900 the school was turned into what is currently a fine academic mental hospital. Under the direction of many horrible doctors the students are shoved into ovens are asked to eat their way out. The current star pupils are Tom "Big Dawg" Davis and Martin David Harsh IV. Marty and Tom are locked together in a padded room with a single rubber duck. Upon observation, Tom is no longer in the room, many believe that Marty ate him after he touched the rubber ducky.

Notable Alumni

Allegany High School has some famous grads including:

• William H. Macy (Fargo, Door to Door)
• Eric Hayhurst Published photographer in several books
• William Ruark Co-Founder of the CCCP
• Brennan "Tall Boy" Pyles Well over 6'6" tall he is a founding member of "G-Money", the notorious Allegany High School Gang wanted for numerous offenes, and former employee of Wal-Mart
• Ryan "Buzzsaw" Buzzerd Former Allegany personality he is 6'4" tall and formerly 294lbs, now he is 195lbs after switching to Jenny Craig. He is currently employed at Ruby Tuesdays.
• Tommy "Tinkles" Chandler Former great allegany soccer player, was formly employed at Wendys where he reached Mangaer status and is now currently, a telemarketer
• Sean "Schnubbles" Schnabley Former Allegany Soccer great, is curently unemployed utis looking into a coaching posistion at his former school. "Maryland School for the Deaf, Blind and Possibly Retarted."
• Zachary C. Shearin Co-founder of CCCP
• Austin J. Persons knows Martin David Harsh IV, ties birds to strings
• Mad Max Australian National Hero who bears a striking resemblence to Mel Gibson, braved the Post-Apocolyptic Waste Land and is currently a chef at Sydney's premier dinner Melvin's
• David Mertz Fastest man alive
• Martin David Harsh IV skilled forester and conservationist, starred in broadway revival of Grizzly Adams
• Johnathan M. Riggs Full of Pain Killers
• Thomas "Big Daddy" Davis gets mad we you steal his calculator, eats giant chipmonks
• John Davis former candidate for County Commissioner, spokes person for Levi Jeans co.
• Brett "Im not really sure if I'm Gay or Straight" Showalter currently playing fo the amazingly horrible Frostburg State JV soccer team, he is planning to travel to Europe and marry his long time partner David Beckham, with Beckham at his side Brett will become the queer of England
• Bobo Fett famous bounty hunter and shakespearian actor
• Master Thadeus Eirich a registered pimp and golf master, loves to go after the ladies with his bro, Bootzie Collins
• Bootzie Collins somewhat of a local hero and legend Bootzie is famous for setting the bed wetting record in C-villa at 960 times in a recorded 8 hour sleep.
• Dennis Dennison amazing jedi master, can made children do nothing, uses his magical powers to think of pretty flowers when trying to defeat the evil Keith Mikula
• Jim Bucy A.K.A. Bim Juicy, is known fr his obscure neck touching and head tilting. Is currently the fater of 18 adorable yet hideously ugly children
• Tyler Ames Delong famous soccer player who is horrible at soccer, named after a depatment store that was a failure, just like him, the secret lover of the infamous Bootzie Collins
• Chris Herath professional body builder with his incredibly large 2 cm biceps, currently plays with himself on the Allegany College men's giggalo team, in the future h would like to become a magicin and live in an egg
• Corey "once had a red afro" Twigg made the all area baseball team last season and is known as somewhat of a "pimp" in his town and community

Football

File:Cumberland md alco football 2005.jpg

In the 2005 football season, the Allegany Campers varsity team went undefeated in their best season in the school's history, with a 14-0 record.

In 2006, The Allegany Campers had high expectations comming of the 2005 season. Blowing out all of their opponents until they played the Keyser Golden Tornados and lost 14-7. They went on to beat Berkley Springs and Sidwell Friends, only to lose homecoming to cross town rivals Fort Hill 35-14. The Campers defeated Boonsboro in region playoffs blowing them out by a wide margin. Allegany met Fort Hill again at Greenway for the Region 1A west championship, but lost 51-18. Allegany finished the 2006 season with a winning record of 9-3.

Allegany Varsity Cheerleaders

File:Cumberland md alco varsity cheerleaders 2006.jpg

Allegany Junior Varsity Cheerleaders

File:Cumberland md alco junior varsity cheerleaders 2006.jpg

"Lil Blue" Freshmen Cheerleaders

File:Cumberland md alco freshmen 2006.jpg

Cross Country

Allegany's runners had a great season this year with the boys team making the state meet for the first time since the invention of the horse. The team was coached by geek Tommy "Wendy's For Life" Channdler and Dennis Rodman. The boys team had members such as Julian "I'm a Balla Baby" Gates, Stephen Heath, Sumeet Gupta, Gavin Brant, and the people that are named Shuck. For the girls Lauren MacFawn won states with Kendra Roberts also going to states. The team will run over the homeless competion next year and destroy all kittens in the years to come.

Boy's Soccer

The biggest surprise of this year was the boy's soccer team, which had an 8-5-2 record. The team was coached by Richard Zimmerman and Mike Sallerson (Gangsta). The team consisted of 19 members, and jv members. With star senior members such as Nathan "Giant DoushBag" Schellhaus a.k.a "Smellhouse" at the vital "Left Out" posistion. "He was a true spark to our team" raved Head Coach "Fat-ass" Zimmerman, "He truly was an inspiration to all the injured and slightly retarted players" Another vital senior member was Justin "Circles" Zimmerman. Justin was the reason the for teams success as shown in his heroic performances in the Southern and Maryland school for the Deaf, Blind and Possibly Retarted games. He was also the biggest enemy of the teams watercooler which suffered major absue throught the season due to the teams crushing defeats. Mr. Zimmerman, while trying all offseason to get his all star players whipped into shape, chased a certain few players around the mile course at the famed Allegany Community College. These certain few players apperantly were not watching the high quality soccer match before them which did include past players such as Sean "Shnubbles" Schnabley and Brett "Im not really sure if I'm Gay or Straight" Showalter and decided that these certain players needed some discipline and raced them around the course. Unfortunalty for the coach, his top speed was slower than the young men's walking pace. Believe me, it was quite a sight to see something like that, moving. The team was captined by Chris "Why did we stop running?" Alderson, Austin "Big Pencil" Persons and Eric "Rico Suave" Smith. These three were a vital part of the teams success despite the coaching. They combined for 158 goals and 1 assist. Next, at the right striker posistion it's Tate "That Norweigen Bastard" Braekvane or Brakvtnate or Brektvane or how ever the hell you spell his goddamn name. "The Twigg" for short, averaged 26 Shots a game with An average of 5 hitting the goal area. Its ok i guess being that he was the leading scorer with 12...I think. I Believe it was the Midol That he drank before every game that kept him stable, if you know what I mean. Moving to the Midfeild, Chandler, or is it Aaron, One of those little bastards played outside mid and well, played outside mid and thats about it. Then coming off the bench for most of the year we have Ryan "Rye" Davis. "Rye was a pain in my ass all year" moaned The coach, "He always wanted to play and it just pissed me off" However when he did get his chances he made the most of them by scoring in the Pivotal Bishop Walsh game. At the Stopper posistion we have Jared "Shut the Fuck up" Chanmbers. Jared was a force in the middle despite constant heckling from the coach. "Jared never really tried, ever, he was just tall so i had to put him out there" said Coach Zimmerman "In fact, i was so scared of his mother i had to play him" At Outside defenders were Josh "Mickey Mick" Stephens and Aaron or Chandler I still Cant figure those sons of bitches out. Mickey Mick, who also mkaes many guest apperances in the rap group, The CCCP, played right outside defender. "Gentelmen, Josh tried hard all season, It's just when he and the other gentelmen took their shirts off, i just couldent take it" Said Zimmerman "I couldent help but look at them and smile". Josh, only coming out a game once due to an injury to his balls, was however the target of many bigger balls traveling in his direction. Josh was injured in practice numerous times including many shots to the balls and face compliments of the senior defenders. Back to the little bastard Stroups, I still can't figure them out, but anyway, they played hard and goddamn do they have a hot mom. In the back was John Riggs. "This year it seemed like John really didn't want to listen to me" sniffled the Coach, "I Just really wanted him to like me". In Goal this year we had Brett "Bone Crusher" Ritchey. This year, Brett sent 48 kids to the hospital including one in critical condition when he dove for the ball, actually he dove for the kid and bever really wanted the ball, and crushed the kids' Femur. "Brett was just to violent for me" said the Coach, "Im really passive agressive and Brett, I think, wants to hurt me"

Golf

Despite what many think, the priciple sport of Allegany High School is golf. The team is lead by the 6' 135lb senior at golfer Master Thadeus Eirich. The only female member of the team is Madison Martin. Do not be fooled by her attractive exterior, within is hidden a monster on the fairway. The team was out for blood this year, with the only female member Madison Martin, placing 6th in states.

Clothing

At Allegany the clothing choices of the students are very similar. Due to the new dress code all males are required to wear camo pants, 5XL wifebeaters, and moon boots. The girls are required to were the skin of the animals that were ran over by levitating hummers. With the great fashion shown at the shcool Ralph Lauren is offering $ 96 billion to a new fasion designer. So far the leading candidate for the award is Josh Pittman for his coordination with his 9 and his colorful shoes, however a new canidate has appeared, Kelsie Hayze with her yarn boots.

Rap/Hip-Hop Music

Allegany High School is home to many stout rap groups such as the CCCP and QCK. The CCCP is the number one rap group in the county with QCK a close second. CCCP stands for Crazy City Cound Posse, while QCK stands for Queen City Kids. CCCP is a more wholesome group whereas QCK attempts to capture the urban struggle appeal with frontmen K-Dunn and J-Pitt.

Party Scene

The Allegany party scene is a wild, pleasant, fun, and scattered one. Parties range from break dance battles (on cardboard mats), normal parties, cow punching, and tea parties. Tea Parties are, however, the highlight of the fun scene. Thrown Semi-anually, Master Christopher White throws his alleged "Tea Party of the Century". The authority of White to call this such is disputed however, as it is never clear whether the most recent is cooler than the previous. A copy right violation suit was filed by Elton John, Christopher's childhood hero. The fact that he has thrown 13 in the last 4 weeks has also raised some eyebrows.

With Regards to Justin "Beef" Hymes

This sophmore at allegany is over 6'8" tall, he was moved up to Varsity where he was given strong guidance from his senior mentor Zach Shearin. With Shearin's help, he was able to find his was into a starting position of the Allegany Camper Football defensive line.

Clay Aiken/Lance Bass Fan Club

Founded April 14, 2006, by Zac Barton and Tanner Zembower, this club quickly took off. With the Golden Tiger and the Magic Man at the helm, this club was able to secure funding, ballrooms, and wild animals for sacrifice. The club reached its peak by June however, when controversial reports began trickling in questioning Lance Bass's sexuality. As time progressed, it was discovered -unfourtunately for the club- that Lance Bass as well as Clay Aiken were homosexuals. With little public support the leadership and management talents of the Golden Tiger and the Magic Man began to fail. The club collapsed in upon itself as many members (even foudning members) had no desire to be associated with homosexuality. During the July coup, several hardline members tried to take control (by force) of the club to alter the direction of the club and switching the idols from Clay Aiken and Lance Bass to John Elway and Terrel Davis. The leaders of this coup included Zach "Wolf Meat" Shearin, Drew "Polar Bear" Pande, and John "Big Man" Pande. The coup ultimately failed as the rest of the club did not feel the same about John Elway and Terrel Davis. With little support, and Big Man's relocation to Argentina, the Royal flush - as they called themseles - were forced to give in, and in turn broke away founding the John Elway Football Club. The Golden Tiger and the Magic Man sadly, still stunned by the news of Clay and Lance comming out of the closet, and by "the Royal Flush's" complete disrespect and undermining of their authority, had no choice but to officially dissolve the club on July 29, 2006. Together the Golden Tiger and Magic Man were able to raise $57,542.12 worth of funds.

Zach "iron man, big boy,wolfman" Shearin

zach shearin is a senior in allegany. Along with willie whiteman and patrick steckman he is one of the top men on the iron man club at alco. He benches the most out of the three with being able to get 225lbs once. Zach couldnt play football last year acoount his terrible accident with his shoulder. Zach was shootin his gat outside one day when the rickoshet of the shot dislocated his shoulder with quick thinking zach cut open is skin and fixed his shoulder himself. The next football after a terrible torn acl by jeff babich, so 5th year senior patty steckman had to step up and he did to make T.O. the best QB in the nation letting T.O. have over 100 TD's and getting him to USC. However, patty wasn't so lucky cause two weeks after T.O. and patty made the game winning connection in the state championship game j pitt got pissed for getting no credit for the game and ran over patty steck wit shearin's mustang, but was never found guilty, but was haunted by patty's ghost to this day

A Tribute to Dennis Dennison

Dennis "Double-D" Dennison is the physics teacher at Allegany and he has a extremely low self-esteem. Mr. Dennison likes to conduct really fun experiments like "Lock me out of my room" and "Please stop that". Mr. Dennison keeps his students in their seats with his magical jedi powers. He does not know that he can't do anything and that magic does not exsist. In the future Dennison plans to create a children's cartoon for all his home dogs that live in their mother's basements.

Martin David Harsh IV

Martin (1988-) was born in a hospital, but due to his hairy exterior he was thrown away in the trash. Found by a clan of hungry wolves they decided better to raise the hairy beast as a member of the family. When Marty reached tyhe age of 12, he was stolen from the wolves by a nudist and his mail-ordered chicken. The man treated Martin like a dog, feeding healthy food and giving him colorful clothes. Martin would rebel and began to fall in love with Satan. Martin would begin to drink goat's poopie and listen to Black Sabbath. The one day he meet Ozzy Osbourne, Martin bit his head off. Then with great anger Martin took his golden machine gun and kill 2 million helpless babies. With all the babies he did not kill he formed a baby army to take over the world. He did not relize that the babies could not walk and his rebellion was easily crushed with the use of a blender. After the rebellion, Martin turned to a false idol of Chewbaca to get him through the rough times. After finding out that amazingly Chewbaca did not exsist, Martin was crushed. In responce Martin began to drink from toilets and eat the hair from his back. Currently Martin lives in a cave with his wife, Big Foot, and their seven very ugly children.

Fortune Tellers

Allegany has the greatest fortune teller per capita in the entire state of Maryland. The lead fortune teller at Allegany is Sir Duane McMinn. With his magical herbs and giant stick he has predicted such great events like when lunch is. Not only can he predict when lunch is he can also tell what time the students will get out of school. His newest spell is the ability to travel into the future. This requires Sir McMinn to have someone throw a bowling ball into his head several thousand times, we currently do not know if this procedure works.

Related Links

• Fort Hill High School
• Bishop Walsh School
• Cumberland, Maryland

External Links

• Allegany High School
• Allegany High School Band
• The Big Blue Review Allegany High School Football.
• Western Maryland Running Club
• Cumberland Paintball Club
• Allegany Soccer

See also

• List of high schools in Maryland