Vogon poetry

File:Vogon poetry.jpg

Arthur Dent being read Vogon poetry in the TV series

Vogon Poetry is poetry written by Vogons, a fictional alien race in Douglas Adams' novel The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. According to The Guide:

Ford and Arthur are tortured by Vogon poetry.

Vogon poetry is of course, the third worst in the universe. The second worst is that of the Azgoths of Kria. During a recitation by their poet master Grunthos the Flatulent of his poem "Ode to a Small Lump of Green Putty I Found in My Armpit One Midsummer Morning" four of his audience died of internal haemorrhaging and the president of the Mid-Galactic Arts Nobbling Council survived by gnawing one of his own legs off. Grunthos was reported to have been "disappointed" by the poem's reception, and was about to embark on a reading of his 12-book epic entitled "My Favourite Bathtime Gurgles" when his own major intestine, in a desperate attempt to save humanity, leapt straight up through his neck and throttled his brain. The very worst poetry of all perished along with its creator, Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings (Paul Neil Milne Johnstone) of Redbridge, in the destruction of the planet Earth. Vogon poetry is mild by comparison.

Film description:

Vogon poetry is widely accepted as the third worst in the Universe. The second worst is that of the Azgoths of Kria. During a recitation by their Poet Master Grunthos the Flatulent of his poem "Ode to a Small Lump of Green Putty I Found in My Armpit One Midsummer Morning" four of his audience died of internal hemorrhaging, but the President of the Mid-Galactic Arts Nobbling Council survived by gnawing one of his own legs off. The absolute worst poetry was written by Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings of Sussex. Luckily it was destroyed when the earth was.

In the television series edition of the Guide, Grunthos the Flatulent was about to read a different 12-book collection entitled Zen and the Art of Going to the Lavatory before having his brain throttled by his major intestine. Also, the worst poet in the universe is known as Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings of Sussex, after Adams changed it from the name of an old school acquaintance of his, Paul Neil Milne Johnstone, whose name and address he used in the original radio series.

Listening to it is an experience similar to torture as demonstrated when Arthur Dent and Ford Prefect are forced to listen to the Vogon captain's poetry prior to being thrown out of an airlock.

Excerpt:

Oh freddled gruntbuggling,
Thy nacturations are to me
As plurdled grabbleblotchits
On a lurgid bee.
Groop, I implore thee, my footing turlingdromes
And hooptiously drangle me
With crinkly binglewurgles,
For otherwise, I will rend thee in the gobberwarts with my blurglecruncheon,
See if I don't!

A second example of Vogon poetry was found in the Hitchhiker's Guide interactive fiction game that was produced by Infocom. This actually includes a slightly modified version of the first verse of the shorter poem above; if nothing else, it would appear that Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz was consistent in his efforts to reach out to and crush souls with his poetry. During the game, the following lines would be printed in random order as the second verse, with the last line (the one ending in Moose!!) always appearing last. Thus what follows is only one of six possible combinations.

Gashee morphousite, thou expungiest quoopisk!
Fripping lyshus wimbgunts, awhilst moongrovenly kormzibs.
Bleem miserable venchit! Bleem forever mestinglish asunder frapt!
Gerond withoutitude form into formless bloit, why not then? Moose!!

An unused extended version of the poem is also excerpted in Neil Gaiman's book Don't Panic: The Official Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy Companion, in Appendix III.

A third example appears in The Quintessential Phase of the radio series, written by Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz, about irony.

Oh blobit of dribble
Oozing from the upturned corner of my mouth
You look to me,
Like you should be,
The thing that dropeth from the cloud
A tiny bit of thee is stuck upon my lip
A little more is stuck up my nose
Some has adhered to my hip
My eyes are open and glassy
My snot is thick and green
And from my ears,
Something obscene appears,
And I think it might be me.

External links

• BBC's page on Vogon Poetry with a Vogon Poem Generator