Talk:Bonny Hicks/GA2

GA Review

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Reviewer: SNUGGUMS (talk · contribs) 00:22, 3 December 2014 (UTC)

Lead

• "is recognised as a significant milestone"..... seems somewhat WP:PEACOCK-y
• "her post-death legacy is understood as important for particularly Singaporean society"..... awkward phrasing, also seems POV
• "Hicks' legacy will remain as that of an important transitional social figure between old and new Singapore during its period of broad-scale societal changes under forces of globalisation"..... POV and "will remain" seems like WP:CRYSTAL
• "The tragic manner of her death"..... extremely POV

Early life

• "to a British father, Ron Hicks"..... be more specific on whether he was English, Scottish, Welsh, or Scotch-Irish (from northern Ireland)
• "Although she was multiracial, she identified as Chinese during her early childhood, speaking Cantonese and watching Chinese-language television at home"..... source?
• "intermittently with her porpor (grandmother) with whom she enjoyed a particularly close relationship"..... just say "grandmother"
• "likely keeping his past muffled from his new family, he returned word via fax to Hicks that he wanted nothing to do with her"..... it would help to say why Ron didn't want her in his life and why he would've kept her from the family

Finding fame

Discovery and first mentor

• "enjoyed an especially close relationship that was certainly multi-leveled, a complicated mix of the professional and personal, the sisterly and motherly (Hicks referred to her as "Mum"), and as some thought, perhaps more"..... inappropriate tone
• "While Hicks' statements in her book could be interpreted as stemming from only an intimate mentoring relationship with Chan, whom Hicks clearly idealised with high admiration, Hicks continued to be ambiguous on the matter whenever questioned, if only to fuel a sense of mystery about herself, and thus ongoing buzz and publicity"..... quite a mouthful, and I'm skeptical about the tone. The "if only to fuel a sense of mystery about herself, and thus ongoing buzz and publicity" bit is especially worrisome and completely unneeded.

Modeling

• "a music video debut on a local top-10 hit by the Singaporean band The Oddfellows"..... band names should NOT be italicized, and it would help to give the name of the video.
• "Just a year into her modelling career, Hicks began writing about her life experiences and ideas surrounding her modelling, and by age twenty-one, had completed her first book, Excuse Me, are you a Model?"..... rather long, I'd split it into two sentences.
• "probably initially as a school assignment"..... either make this into a more definitive statement or remove it altogether
• "a practice she frequented"..... awkward phrasing

Brief marriage

• "Before her move to Indonesia, Hicks was briefly married to a former member of the Republic of Singapore Air Force"..... I'd include this member's name and why she left him for Richard Dalrymple
• "by whose side she died"..... awkward phrasing

Literary contributions and controversy

Excuse Me, Are You a Model?

• "The work stirred significant controversy among Singaporeans" → "The work was criticised by Singaporeans"
• "from a quintessential independent woman barely into her twenties"..... not sure this is the best tone/phrasing or if "quintessential" is a neutral term
• "Singaporean youth, on the other hand, had a starkly different view"..... provide specific comments here, such as quotes
• "In point of fact, the publisher was not exaggerating" is completely unneeded and should be scrapped.
• "In just three days they bought up twelve thousand copies, and after two weeks, twenty thousand copies, prompting the book's publisher to boast Hicks' work as 'the biggest book sensation in the annals of Singapore publishing.'"..... split this into two sentences
• Remove "simple" from "begun to recognise more than just a simple generational divide"

Discuss Disgust

• Remove "controversial" in "two years after Hicks' controversial entry" per WP:LABEL
• "Adding fuel to the controversy surrounding Hicks"..... inappropriate tone
• Provide the name of the "widely read local traditionalist columnist"
• "While public understanding was greater than was let on"..... doesn't read very well
• "her own" shouldn't be italicized
• Remove the space between FN's 18 and 19

"The Bonny Hicks Diary"

• Remove "frankly-written" from "Her frankly-written bi-monthly column"
• " further incited traditionalists over feelings"..... awkward phrasing
• "Times" should read The Straits Times
• "Lim was uniquely authoritative when he noted the deepening of Hick's writings as she matured"..... POV

Third Book?

• I'm skeptical about the title choice for this section, particularly since it ends with a question mark that isn't part of a work title
• "While the book idea further reveals Hicks' preference to write with a certain person in mind, it never ultimately materialised, not even as a draft from private files"..... who is this "person in mind"? Also, I'd reduce "it never ultimately materialised, not even as a draft from private files" to something like "it was never created" or "it was never written".

Life transition

Introspection

• "During Hicks' heyday, few had begun to adequately situate her life and works within the larger societal changes that had enveloped Singapore at the time under forces of rapid globalisation—changes that, by then, were simply too far advanced and powerful to stop the clock upon by the traditionally successful means of shaming and ostracising"..... WAY too long for one sentence, and reads awkwardly.
• "For the most part, traditionalists simply reacted from gut-level fear against Hicks, or a simplified characterisation or straw man of her, whom they perceived as a 'notorious' moral threat willing to degrade Singaporean society for personal fame and financial gain" should be split into two sentences.
• "Even though the criticisms were not entirely fair"..... POV
• "their accumulation had long been taking a toll upon Hicks' perseverance, eroding away at even her senses of identity, purpose, and wholeness, and thus her basic senses of faith, hope, and peace about the future"..... not sure about the tone of this
• "While she yet continued to milk opportunities for self-promotion, as Pat Chan had taught her to do, it was becoming clearer and clearer that Hicks had for some time been deep within a season of personal introspection, and had been laying plans for a significant life and career transition"..... overly lengthy and questionable tone
• "While she was perhaps conceding something of a victory to her traditionalist critics in the transition, her life change was certainly at least as much a natural outgrowth of her maturing from the years and seemingly unrestrained values of her youth, although there was certainly an interplay of external and internal forces that were prodding her change"..... another mouthful. Give a more definitive statement than "perhaps", and I'm not sure about the tone of "there was certainly an interplay of external and internal forces that were prodding her change".

New mentors, new growth

• I'm skeptical about the tone and POV of using "growth" for a title section
• "Despite Hicks' confession that she had harmed others along her path to fame, and her intention to reverse the trend, she all along had her supporters—those who comprehended her on a level deeper than the mere fandom she had so often sought to instigate toward herself, and who saw in Hicks a young lady not trying to offend but to initiate critical conversations within a culture that was often far too resistant to anything beyond the familiar"..... uncomfortably long to read, and has awkward phrasing
• "To them, Hicks' anthropical philosophy of life that featured loving, caring and sharing was not only refreshing but important, perhaps more than even Hicks herself could see at the time"..... give something more definitive than "perhaps"
• "A growing voice appeared to emerge clearly in her writings"..... questionable tone/awkward phrasing
• "Two of the scholars would become pivotally influential new mentors to Hicks during her major life transition, the ultimate result of which, as things would turn out, would be cut short by her untimely death"..... "as things would turn out" isn't appropriate tone, and "untimely" is POV
• "and the two corresponded about philosophical and spiritual matters for approximately one year, on up until Hicks' 1997 death"..... I think it's better (certainly more concise) to just say something like "the two were close until Hicks' death".
• "The correspondence" is probably better as "their conversations"
• "he narrated Hicks' profound growth"..... POV
• "Tu Wei-Ming" should read Tu Weiming
• "New Confucian" should link to New Confucianism
• Add a comma after "Just before Hicks' death"
• "The daily posthumously published"..... doesn't look complete
• "reflects the maturing and deepening engagement in philosophy and spirituality that she had clearly been enveloped in under tutelage of her new mentors during her last year of life"..... POV and quite a mouthful

Redefining herself

Move to Indonesia

• Everything before "In many ways, her move to Indonesia" is completely unneeded, and I'm not sure about using "which coincided with her plea for greater public understanding as released in her second book, Discuss Disgust"
• "escape the intense controversy she had experienced in Singapore over her first book, Excuse Me, Are You a Model?" → "escape the criticism from Singapore over Excuse Me, Are You a Model?"
• "Whether her departure was something of a victory for traditionalists, a mere admission to herself of her limited constitution to withstand societal disapprobation, an outcome of simply her own maturation, or some combination of the three, cannot be known"..... doesn't read very well
• "What is clear is that her hope"..... "what is clear" is not appropriate tone
• "redefine herself before, perhaps, undertaking"..... I'm skeptical about the use of "perhaps"
• "wiser" in "a larger and much wiser" is POV

Heading to university

• This section is probably better titled "University" or "University plans"
• Add a comma after "During her application processes"
• "At the time she applied, Hicks could present herself as an exceptional candidate to any university she wished to attend, a shoo-in"..... doesn't really read well
• "Here was a young woman who had overcome a very difficult upbringing to become a nationally known model-turned-author, and whose mind, spirit, and insights had authentically impressed the two high-level academicians who had become the predominant mentors of her life transition and letter of recommendation writers"..... another mouthful and full of inappropriate tone
• It would help to include where she ultimately decided to attend

Marriage and family plans, plane crash

• This is probably best titled "Plane crash"
• I'd merge these two paragraphs into one as they're both rather short for better flow.
• "Hicks had also thought to mature her image by marrying, settling down, and having children" is completely unneeded and has inappropriate tone
• "It was to celebrate Christmas with Dalrymple's family that Hicks and Dalrymple boarded SilkAir Flight 185 in Jakarta en route to Singapore, probably their first visit as an engaged couple" needs to be sourced. It also reads awkwardly, and I'd remove "probably their first visit as an engaged couple" altogether.
• "Local fisherman immediately scoured the crash site for survivors but did so in vain"..... inappropriate tone
• "Not a single body, not even so much as one complete limb, was found intact" doesn't really read well, and I'm not sure it's even needed.

Aftermath of death

• "Hicks' death at age twenty-nine shocked Singaporeans, as well as others around the globe, and prompted a swirl of activity as people sought to interpret the meaning of a life that had been suddenly cut short" doesn't read very well and really isn't needed, so scrap it
• "Meanwhile, investigators probed the crash of SilkAir Flight 185" is unsourced

Crash investigations

• "Tsu had not only longstanding personal problems and a string of troubling incidents as a pilot" is POV
• "had been experiencing serious family and financial problems, in part due to gambling debts"..... reads awkwardly

Interpreting a life cut short

• This section is entirely unnecessary, and the title isn't very encyclopedic

Crash conclusions

• "By this time, the crash investigations were complete"..... inappropriate tone, and a specific time range should be included.
• "painstaking" in "whose painstaking research" is POV

Legacy

Post-modern author

• "Hicks is a transitional yet often still-controversial figure who lived and tragically died amid an important period of contestation over changes between traditional and globalised Singapore"..... POV, WP:LABEL, and overly lengthy
• What is "her status as a writer came to eclipse her status as a model" supposed to mean?

Non-racialism

• "Hicks is also recognised today"..... WP:REALTIME

Memorials

• Does this really warrant its own section? I might put it under "death" section.

References

• FN1: There's a date error in red that needs to be fixed
• FN5: The New Paper should be italicized
• FN8: The Straits Times should be italicized
• FN11: Incorrectly formatted- the URL shouldn't be visible like that (compare it to other websites used in article refs for how it should be), and I'm not sure this is reliable
• FN's 22 and 29: Not really a verifiable way to support claims, provide a URL or name of a work that supports the claims instead
• FN30: Doesn't load properly, and terms shouldn't end in things like ".net" or ".org" unless it is part of the work's name, such as Amazon.com

Overall

• Well-written?

• Prose quality: Needs a substantial copyedit
• Manual of Style compliance: fails WP:WTW

• Verifiable?:

• Reference layout: Four incorrectly formatted references
• Reliable sources: Three questionable references
• No original research: Some of the content is more difficult to verify since there are five unsupported statements and one non-working link.

• Broad in coverage?

• Major aspects: Missing several bits
• Focused: Many needless details

• Neutral?: too much bias in favor of Hicks, which makes this article seem like a fansite

• Stable?: no major edits within the past month

• Illustrated, if possible, by images?

• Appropriate licensing: All good here
• Relevance and captioning: the infobox image (only picture used in article) is relevant, but I wouldn't use a quote for its caption

• Pass or Fail? This nomination is being failed for extensive prose and neutrality concerns, and there are too many issues to place on hold. Take this to the GOCE and perhaps put up for a peer review before renominating.