Talk:Born Villain (film)/GA1

The following discussion is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.

GA Review

Article (edit | visual edit | history) · Article talk (edit | history) · Watch

Reviewer: Aoba47 (talk · contribs) 00:24, 17 July 2018 (UTC)[reply]

Grabbing for a review. Aoba47 (talk) 00:24, 17 July 2018 (UTC)[reply]

Lead and infobox

I would add a caption for the infobox image.
Please add ALT text for the infobox image. Use ALT text for all of the images present in the article.
For this part (directed by actor Shia LaBeouf in collaboration with Marilyn Manson.), since you identified LaBeouf with a descriptive phrase, then I would recommend you do the same for Manson. I think “singer” would work fine here.
For this sentence (It was released on August 28, 2011), please clarify where it was “released”. I think that “premiered” would be a better work here. I would actually move the date down the second paragraph of the lead, where you mention the theater and discuss more about its release.
Is there any information on a production company associated with this film? Was it self-released? Make this clear in the prose of the lead and the infobox.
I do not think the wikilink for vagina is necessary.
I would wikilink short film.
This sentence (The film features a series of vignettes involving Manson's character cutting women's hair, a doctor inserting an eyeball into a woman's vagina, and characters reciting passages from William Shakespeare's Macbeth, and features the Marilyn Manson song "Overneath the Path of Misery".) is rather long/run-on. I would make the part about the song into its own separate sentence.
For this part (Born Villain was intended as a promotional "trailer" for the album of the same name,), I do not see the reason to have trailer in quotation marks. Also please specify in the prose the year in which the album was released (i.e. 2012).
For this sentence (The short premiered at the L.A. Silent Theater; its premiere could only be attended by people who had purchased copies of Campaign, a limited edition book by Manson, LaBeouf and Karolyn Pho.), I would change “its premiere” to “the screening” to avoid repetition of the word “premiere”.

Synopsis

For the first two sentences of the first paragraph, you start with “The film”. I would revise them to avoid the unnecessary repetition.
I am a little confused by this sentence (The boy and the man fight.). Do they physically fight or have an argument? It can read a little ambiguously so I would clarify the meaning of the word “fight”.
I would simplify this sentence (he then hands her the eye she shot, which is fully intact) to (he then hands her the fully intact eye).
I do not think vagina needs to be wikilinked.
I am a little confused by this part (into the mouth of the man who molested the boy in white face makeup.) as the previous sentences did not make it clear that molestation has occurred.
I think you can just say “He” instead of “The same character” as it is clear from the previous sentence that you are referencing Manson’s character.

Background and development

Please link and use Shia LaBeouf’s full name when you first mention it as this is the first time you mention him in the body of the article.
For this sentence (The actor, who "has always been intrigued" with the singer, then offered to direct his next music video.), I would drop “then” as it is not necessary. Also, is it clear what the song would be for Manson’s next music video or was it more general?
I would just say “LaBeouf” instead of “the aspiring director” as it reads too editorial for my taste.
For the beginning of the second paragraph, you use two quotes (one of which is rather long). I would paraphrase parts of the second one and only use what you believe is necessary. I am not sure all of the information from the quote is necessary for a reader’s understanding of the film (i.e. Manson wearing a pink kimono, etc.) I also think you can paraphrase the first quote.
I would paraphrase at least parts of this quote ("sat and watched movies a bunch and talked about what we wanted to do for the visuals on his album, which are all really eccentric ideas. All things I can't really say out loud because this is morning television.")
Please link Marilyn Manson (band) for this part (the wife of Marilyn Manson member) and remove the wikilink for it later in the same section.
For the Revolver paragraph, I would paraphrase at least parts of the quote or try to make better use of it. For all intensive purposes, the entire paragraph is just the quote and it reads rather awkwardly.
I am confused about this part (leaked the film's official website on his). The word “leaked” means that it was done without the original creator’s permission. So Sablan did this without either Manson or LaBeouf’s permission?
For this part (has claimed that Born Villain contains short clips of the album and its own score.), I would avoid using the word “claimed”.

Analysis

At the time of this review, you are currently working on this section.

Release

The section begins rather abruptly with information on the book. I would restructure the section to avoid this as it is rather confusing.
For this part (Attendance of the event was limited he event was limited to 150), remove “he event was limited” and just say “Attendance of the event was limited to 150).
For this part (who were required to by a copy of the book), you mean “buy” instead of “by”.
I would paraphrase this quote ("other peoples' graffiti and cut-outs LaBeouf and Pho made of themselves, taped around Los Angeles,").
I do not believe you need this part (according to HuffPost's Mallika Rao).
Revise this sentence (The book is a visual accompaniment to Born Villain, and was accompanied by a DVD of the film.) as it is very awkwardly phrased. I would avoid the repetition of “accompaniment” and “accompanied” in the same sentence.
I would add in the lead that a DVD of the film was purchasable with the book.

Critical reception

I would add topic sentences to each of the three paragraphs to make the structure of the section clearer. I understand that the first paragraph is about praise for the film. But negative responses seems scatter in a rather unorganized way between the last two paragraphs. Here is a helpful resource for copyediting these kinds of sections. The lack of a cohesive narrative for this section is its greatest weakness in my opinion.
This section as a whole relies on quotes far too much, particularly long quotes (such as "prove[s] that all those issues that have been so central to the Marilyn Manson agenda – our culture of fear and self-loathing, our false consumer choices, the emptiness of other peoples' celebrity status – have turned into something to which Manson knowingly contributes without apology."). I would suggest that you read through the section again to see which quotes are absolutely necessary.
I would trade out the picture of LaBeouf for Manson as he appears to be the subject of most of the praise. LaBeouf did receive positive remarks, but a lot of the commentary seems to be about Manson really.

Final comments

You have done good work with this article. I have an issue with some of the structuring for certain sections (i.e. the “Release” and “Critical reception”). I would recommend that you have this copyedited by Wikipedia:WikiProject Guild of Copy Editors/Requests as I have noticed several spelling errors and awkward sentence constructions. I am going to fail this as you are still making substantial edits to the article (i.e. adding the “Analysis” section). Major work on the article needs to be completed prior to nominating it for a GAN. Good luck with this; I look forward to your future work! Aoba47 (talk) 21:36, 17 July 2018 (UTC)[reply]

The discussion above is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.