Talk:Eliza Meek/GA1

GA Review

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Reviewer: Aoba47 (talk · contribs) 03:19, 5 March 2016 (UTC)

While this is a very short article, it is well-written and interesting. Grabbing this for a review and I will have comments up shortly. Aoba47 (talk) 03:19, 5 March 2016 (UTC)

Lead

• Expand the lead to fulfill the guidelines of WP:Lead. The lead should address each section. Include information about the "Later Years" section a little bit more information from the "Early life" and "Relationship with King Lunalilo" sections to create a more comprehensive introduction to the article. It should be more than a sentence.
  • You fixed it. --KAVEBEAR (talk) 16:08, 2 May 2016 (UTC)
• While an infobox is not required for all pages, I would recommend seeing if you could incorporate one into this article, either while you are expanding the lead or after you done with the expansion. If you feel that it is too distracting from the text, then feel free to not use an infobox (this is merely a suggestion as it could help the page)
  • There is too little to note about this individual for an infobox.--KAVEBEAR (talk) 16:08, 2 May 2016 (UTC)

Early life

• I would restructure the first sentence as it implies Eliza only had a relationship with her father and was not close at all with her mother. I would say "Eliza Meek was born on March 3, 1832 to Captain John Meek (1792–1875) and Betsy W. Meek (1807-1848). Captain John Meek was..." as it would clarify the meaning of both ideas.
  • You fixed it. --KAVEBEAR (talk) 16:08, 2 May 2016 (UTC)
• Change "many siblings" to the exact number if known
  • Specifics are not known --KAVEBEAR (talk) 16:08, 2 May 2016 (UTC)
• Link Lihue
  • Article for Lihue, Oahu does not exist. The place no longer exist either. So it would only be a redlink. --KAVEBEAR (talk) 16:08, 2 May 2016 (UTC)
• Link pa-u to pau-riders
  • Revert to pa-u to Taylor's spelling since it is a quote. --KAVEBEAR (talk) 16:08, 2 May 2016 (UTC)
• Break apart the sentence ("In her youth, Eliza was noted for her equestrian skills on her father's lands at Lihue and Wahiawa on the island of Oʻahu where their family raised thorough-bred horses which were well known across the islands.") into two sentences with one focusing on the family owning and raising horses and another on Eliza's equestrian skills in her youth. The sentence is a little too convoluted.
  • I think the two clauses sounds better as one sentence, especially preceding the other description of her by Albert Pierce Taylor. --KAVEBEAR (talk) 16:08, 2 May 2016 (UTC)
• In the final sentence, the parenthesis should be (half-European, half Hawaiian) heritage.
  • You fixed it. --KAVEBEAR (talk) 16:08, 2 May 2016 (UTC)
• Was she considered a great beauty because of her eyes? If so, say "a great beauty in her youth due to her green-color eyes." Also, who are the people that are considering her a great beauty?
  • No not because of her eyes. This is only cited in the second sources and they seem to be citing contemporary opinion (which I imagine come from primary sources I don't have access to). --KAVEBEAR (talk) 16:08, 2 May 2016 (UTC)
• This applies to the entire article but be careful with punctuation. The period at the end of a sentence (or comma) only goes inside the quote mark if you're quoting an entire sentence.
  • You fixed it. --KAVEBEAR (talk) 16:08, 2 May 2016 (UTC)

Relationship with King Lunalilo

• Image needs an alt description
  • Is this necessary? --KAVEBEAR (talk) 16:08, 2 May 2016 (UTC)
• Put commas around the phrase "the widow of Kamehameha IV and close friend of Lunalilo" as the dashes are too distracting from the sentence.
  • You fixed it. --KAVEBEAR (talk) 16:08, 2 May 2016 (UTC)
• I would add "According to the letters of Queen Emma" to clarify where the quote is coming from.
  • You fixed it. --KAVEBEAR (talk) 16:08, 2 May 2016 (UTC)
• Delete comma after Waiaha as it is unnecessary
  • You fixed it. --KAVEBEAR (talk) 16:08, 2 May 2016 (UTC)
• I would restructure as the sentence about Queen Emma and the love potion as it is reads somewhat awkwardly. I would change it to "According to Queen Emma's letters, an elderly palace attendant Waiaha and several other older women gave Lunalilo a "piece of bananannah [sic] stalk pressed to drink, medicated with love potions, to produce intense affections for Eliza Meek. Emma was the widow of Kamehameha IV and close friend of Lunalilo." This is just a suggestion, but the sentence needs to be revised.
  • You fixed it. --KAVEBEAR (talk) 16:08, 2 May 2016 (UTC)
• After introducing Queen Emma, refer to her as just Emma for the rest of the article
  • You fixed it. --KAVEBEAR (talk) 16:08, 2 May 2016 (UTC)
• Restructure the sentence with Horace Crabbe as it reads awkwardly. You could do "Along with a group of Lunalilo's personal attendants and relatives (including his chamberlain and Eliza's brother-in-law Horace Crabbe), Eliza was present during his final months of illness."
  • You fixed it. --KAVEBEAR (talk) 16:08, 2 May 2016 (UTC)
• I am asking this more for my own clarity on the subject, but was there any particular reason why Eliza was so hostile toward Emma? If you have any resources that could make it clear in the article, I would include it, but it is not required.
  • To speculate would be bordering on original research but from what I've read it seem to the fact that rumors alleging a possible marriage between Lunalilo and Queen Emma, which as his mistress, she would not have been very happy about. --KAVEBEAR (talk) 16:08, 2 May 2016 (UTC)
• Clarify that Emma is recounting the incident to Peter through a letter as the page makes it ambiguous how the two are communicating with one another.
  • You fixed it. --KAVEBEAR (talk) 16:08, 2 May 2016 (UTC)

Later Years

• Why is Peleula italicized?
  • Probably shouldn't. --KAVEBEAR (talk) 16:08, 2 May 2016 (UTC)
• Replace "In later life" with "In her later life"
  •  Done--KAVEBEAR (talk) 16:08, 2 May 2016 (UTC)
• Capitalize the "s" in King Street
  • You fixed it. --KAVEBEAR (talk) 16:08, 2 May 2016 (UTC)

References

• I am very impressed with the references! I would highly encourage you to archive all your online sources to prevent any dead/broken links in the future (this is not required for the review, but just encouraged).
  • Not sure if this is necessary.--KAVEBEAR (talk) 16:08, 2 May 2016 (UTC)

@KAVEBEAR: Overall, this article is strong and I learned a lot from reading it. My primary concerns are the sentence organization, flow, and clarity. Some of the sentences (identified in the above comments) are very wordy and attempting to cover too much in a short space. You do not have to follow my suggestions, but I included them to help think of different ways of structuring the ideas. Also, make sure to expand the lead to be representative of the article as a whole. Again, it does not have to be a large expansion, but make sure the lead is comprehensive.

Otherwise, a very informative read and I greatly appreciate the time and effort you put into this article. Please let me know if you have any questions at all about my comments. I will add further comments once the ones from my initial response are addressed.

@KAVEBEAR: I am going to give you two more days to respond to my comments or else I will be forced to fail the nomination. Failing the nomination does not have to be taken as a negative thing as you can expand the article on your own time based on my comments, the comments of others, and your own personal opinions and can nominate this article again in the future (as I do believe this article has a very good chance being a Good Article after some revision/expansion). Aoba47 (talk) 03:16, 11 March 2016 (UTC)

I don't think I have the time to make the necessary improvements with school and all. Please feel free to fail it right now and I can come back to it and address your comments and then renominate it. Thanks. --KAVEBEAR (talk) 19:32, 12 March 2016 (UTC)

I completely understand. I hope you find my comments helpful and feel free to message me if you have any questions or comments about my review. You have a great start with this article so I interested in seeing how it will turn out in the future. Good luck with school! Aoba47 (talk) 02:33, 13 March 2016 (UTC)

Verdict

@KAVEBEAR: Since there has not been any activity since I originally post on March 5th, I am going to have to fail this article for now. This article has a lot of potential so I hope this does not discourage the nominator from working on this and nominating it again in the future. Good luck with future work on the article and I would definitely review this page again if it is nominated again in the future. ✗ Fail

@Aoba47: Any other suggestions?--KAVEBEAR (talk) 16:08, 2 May 2016 (UTC)