Talk:George Macaulay/GA1

GA Review

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Reviewer: Harrias ^talk 09:39, 4 April 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Lead

As he was an English cricketer, I'd prefer to see the English date format 7 December 1897 – 13 December 1940 used. Especially as this is how you seem to format dates in the rest of the article.
In you second paragraph you've got Tests matches, no need for the 's' on Test.
Link to the cricket team at the first usage of England (after Test matches).
Do you really need to say Wisden Cricketers' Almanack's Cricketers of the Year, or would Wisden Cricketers of the Year suffice?
"professional cricker" – simple typo.

All done. The dates came from a previous version of the article. --Sarastro1 (talk) 20:29, 4 April 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Early life

What does George Freeman have to do with anything? Should I have heard of him?

Famous Yorkshire bowler from 1870s, but no need to mention him really. Took him out. --Sarastro1 (talk) 20:29, 4 April 2010 (UTC)[reply]

In the lead you use World War II, here you use First World War, could you be consistent in your terminology. Also, neither need linking.

Done. --Sarastro1 (talk) 20:29, 4 April 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Macaulay had been spotted by Sir Stanley Christopherson. – You should expand upon the relevance of this. Was he representing another county?

Very few details of where and how, and not sure what role the two people who spotted him played. Can only have been while playing club cricket, but not too sure where this would have been. --Sarastro1 (talk) 20:29, 4 April 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Surrey links to 'Surrey CCC' rather than 'Surrey County Cricket Club'
In ten first-class matches that season, he took 24 wickets at an average of 24.35, – link 'average' to bowling average, and maybe do so in the lead too.
and managed a top score of just 15 with the bat[13] but – I'm assuming you meant to put a comma after bat; there should be one anyway!
His innings of 125 not out took – link 'not out'.
four consecutive seasons where Yorkshire – 'in which' would sound better than 'where'.
out of a total of a total of 430 – not so many totals! Remove one set of 'a total of's.
although there were concern that – 'concerns', not 'concern'.

All done. --Sarastro1 (talk) 20:29, 4 April 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Lead

You've abbreviated RAF, I'd put it back to Royal Air Force, and regardless of which you use, link to Royal Air Force, not the RAF redirect.

Done. --Sarastro1 (talk) 20:35, 5 April 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Test debut

took a wicket with his first ball, only the fourth player to do so; only nine more have done so since, as of March 2010. – the whole sentence is slightly clunky, and you have redundancy with the terms 'more' and 'since'. I'd rephrase to something along the lines of took a wicket with his first ball, becoming only the fourth player to do so, while only nine others have done so since, as of March 2010.

Done as suggested.--Sarastro1 (talk) 20:35, 5 April 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Three of the four sentences after this one start with the phrase 'He went on' (or once 'He then went on'). I'm not keen on the phrase anyway, but three times that quickly is something we could definitely do without!

Done --Sarastro1 (talk) 20:35, 5 April 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Does Wisden say he was in excellent form for 1923, or do you?

Wisden! Now referenced. --Sarastro1 (talk) 20:35, 5 April 2010 (UTC)[reply]

on all kinds if pitches – 'of' not 'if'

Done. --Sarastro1 (talk) 20:35, 5 April 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Despite this, he took the best total of wickets he had managed yet, – Doesn't work for me at all. The whole sentence could probably do with rephrasing.

Done. --Sarastro1 (talk) 20:35, 5 April 2010 (UTC)[reply]

He took seven wickets for 13 against Glamorgan, bowling the side out for 63. This sentence just seems stuck in there; was it his best return of the season? If so, comment on that, otherwise give it some context at least!

Best return of season, but not actually sure it should be there at all. Leaving it for now. Explained it was his best return. --Sarastro1 (talk) 20:35, 5 April 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Your paragraph about his 1924 season starts with a series of disjointed sentences, seemingly statement after statement. Could you try and make it flow a little better, it would improve the readability!

I think I've improved it. Let me know if it's still clunky. --Sarastro1 (talk) 20:35, 5 April 2010 (UTC)[reply]

R.C. Robertson-Glasgow said (writing in 1943) that Macaulay – would probably read better as Writing in 1943, R.C. Robertson-Glasgow said that Macaulay...

Done. --Sarastro1 (talk) 20:35, 5 April 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Mid-1920s career

1925 was Macaulay's most successful season in terms of wickets. – per WP:MOSNUM you shouldn't start a sentence with a number, I'd suggest rephrasing, as writing a year out in full is equally as frowned upon!

Done. --Sarastro1 (talk) 20:35, 5 April 2010 (UTC)[reply]

However, he was selected for.. – Don't start a paragraph with 'however', it's okay, if not great, midway through a paragraph, but not to start one. You've also used it a lot, so maybe looking at working a few of them out of the article.

Got rid of several of them. --Sarastro1 (talk) 20:35, 5 April 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Decline

a Test trial in 1928 where he failed to take a wicket. – use 'in which' rather than 'where'.

Done. --Sarastro1 (talk) 20:35, 5 April 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Return to form

in an end of season game at Scarborough for the M.C.C. Australian Touring Team – I know what the MCC Australian Touring Team is, but to someone who doesn't follow cricket closely, it might sound like he was played for an Australian team, rather than the MCC team that toured Australia. Would be nice to clarify.

Done. --Sarastro1 (talk) 21:33, 6 April 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Final seasons

Macaulay's final two seasons were affected by injury. In the 1934 season, Macaulay, while trying to take a catch – No need to repeat his name in the second instance.
The next season, 1935 was his final one. – Commas both sides of 1935 here please.
and Yorkshire made him a special grant of £250. – Odd phrasing, maybe "awarded him a special.."

All done. --Sarastro1 (talk) 21:33, 6 April 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Style and personality

Bill Bowes described how when he was bowling, he would.. – Comma between how and when.

Done. --Sarastro1 (talk) 21:33, 6 April 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Links

Dablinks shows three ambiguous links; Arthur Carr, Arthur Richardson and Herne Bay.

Done. --Sarastro1 (talk) 21:33, 6 April 2010 (UTC)[reply]

I'll continue through the rest of the article later for you. Harrias ^talk 09:39, 4 April 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Thanks for review so far. --Sarastro1 (talk) 20:29, 4 April 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Now done up to the end of the Decline section. Harrias ^talk 11:09, 5 April 2010 (UTC)[reply]

And that's the article. Nice work; similar to the comments Aaroncrick made during his review, I think you possibly churned this article out a little too fast and didn't look hard enough at the language, but nevertheless it's a good piece of work. If you were looking to take it on for FA in the future, you'd need a more serious copy-edit, but I'm happy that it meets the standards for GA once you've made the remaining fixes. Regards, Harrias ^talk 08:24, 6 April 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Thanks. Probably agree. When I'm working mainly from stats and not articles, I do tend to rush the writing a bit. Certainly needs improving if it ever went to FA, but not sure the content warrants FA at the moment and there aren't any other sources I know of. --Sarastro1 (talk) 21:33, 6 April 2010 (UTC)[reply]