Talk:Halo: Uprising/GA1

GA Review

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Criterion 1: well-written

Lead:

Clause problem: "The series was brought together by Ruwan Jayatilleke, who landed the license to publish Halo comics, including the single-volume Halo Graphic Novel in 2005". The "who" creates a parenthetical statement and the "including" does the same. Think of it similar to "(this (with this))". Suggestion - change first comma for a fullstop or a semi-colon. Switch "who" for "he". The word "landed" is colloquial. "Attained" seems a more appropriate verb for a legal matter. Ottava Rima (talk) 02:08, 23 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]
Verb choice: "success led to Marvel announcing". The word "led" seems a little out of place, especially for an object that has no motor function. Although the term can be used metaphorically, a more exact verb could be substituted. Suggestions - "prompted". Ottava Rima (talk) 02:08, 23 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]
Semi-colon usage: "led to Marvel announcing a new Halo limited series in 2006; Jayatilleke served as the series' editor". In this situation, the word "with" may bring a stronger thematic connection than a semi-colon. Suggestion - "a new Halo limited series in 2006 with Jayatilleke serving as...". Ottava Rima (talk) 02:08, 23 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]
Lead choice (placement): "Bendis said he was "honored" to add to the Halo lore." The statement seems out of place for a lead, and the use of "lore" may be confusing to a party that is new to the subject. Ottava Rima (talk) 02:08, 23 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]
Lead choice (logic): "Reception to the series was lukewarm." This seems to contradict the previous statement of "The graphic novel's critical and commercial success" (emphasis added). Ottava Rima (talk) 02:08, 23 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]
Language choice: "On the other hand,". The phrase is colloquial and the wordiness is disruptive. Suggestion - "However,". Ottava Rima (talk) 02:08, 23 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]
Grammar: "The series was commercially successful, and". Lack of a secondary subject in the second clause would prohibit this from being a compound sentence. The comma isn't needed. Ottava Rima (talk) 02:08, 23 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]
Grammar: "The New York Times' Graphic Books bestsellers list." Is "Graphic Books bestseller list" a title of The New York Times section? If so, the possessive is unnecessary (unless, of course, they use the possessive). Ottava Rima (talk) 02:08, 23 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Publication history:

"Marvel's Vice President of Development, Ruwan Jayatilleke, was responsible for contacting game developer Bungie to extend the Halo franchise to comics". Wordy and separates the clauses in an awkward manner. A more direct approach could help (also, Jayatilleke's first name was already used, so is dropped later). Suggestion - "Jayatilleke's responsibilities as Marvel's Vice President of Developlment included contacting the Halo game developer Bungie to extend the Halo franchise to include comics". Ottava Rima (talk) 02:08, 23 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]
Semi colon use: "Jayatilleke noted that Bungie's dedication to creating a believable world compelling to both hardcore and casual fans made the series "an attractive fit" for Marvel." This is introduced by a semi-colon. Use of "Jayatilleke" in such a situation should be switched with the pronoun "he". The sentence is also not thematically connected enough to warrant a semi-colon. If the semi-colon is to be used, here is a possible rewrite: "he thought that the series was "an attractive fit" for Marvel because of Bungie's dedication to creating a believable world compelling to both hardcore and casual fans." Ottava Rima (talk) 02:08, 23 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]
Sentence structure: "The Halo Graphic Novel proved to be a critical and commercial success, debuting at the number two position on the Diamond Comic Distributors' sales charts,[2] and with more than 100,000 copies published.[3]" The use of the commas creates problems. Suggest changing the first comma to either a period or a semi-colon and starting the next phrase with "it debuted" instead and dropping the comma and the "and" in order to tie the two clauses together. Ottava Rima (talk) 02:08, 23 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]
Repetition of first names: "Brian Michael Bendis" Drop to just last names per MoS unless multiple people share the same last name. Ottava Rima (talk) 02:08, 23 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]
Sentence structure: "lore, noting that the graphic novel brought "humanity and perspective" to the franchise, something not easily imparted through the games." Use of the commas is causing another problem. Suggest change the first comma for a full stop and replace "noting" with "he noted". Ottava Rima (talk) 02:08, 23 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]
OR:Synthesis: "which Bendis stated". Unless the source mentions the previous, we need to be careful. Suggestion - change the comma to a full stop and begin the new sentence with "Bendis stated that this was a". It would imply a connection with the previous statement without crossing into synthesis territory. See below (factual accurate) for other problems with this statement. Ottava Rima (talk) 02:08, 23 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]
Logic: "he said he enjoyed the challenge. "You can get pretty bloated and sloppy with total autonomy all the time," he said." You state what he says, then state something else that seems unconnected. This can be fixed by removing the post "he said". You could move a statement before the quote along the lines of "Also, he stated,". See below (factual accurate) for more problems with this statement. Ottava Rima (talk) 02:08, 23 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]
Comma use: "September 25, 2007," and "August 15, 2007,". The second comma is unnecessary. Ottava Rima (talk) 02:08, 23 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]
Logic: "delayed unexpectedly due to the cooperation between" Cooperation delays? Or lack of cooperation delays? Ottava Rima (talk) 02:08, 23 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]
Phrasing: Article - "The constant revisions of the date became a running forum joke among fans ". Original source - "it's become a running forum joke". The phrase should probably be altered or quoted and sourced to the webmaster of the forum. Ottava Rima (talk) 02:08, 23 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]
Fragments: "Issue #4 also saw multiple delays, pushed from October 31, 2007 to a March 4 date in February 2009, and then a March 18 date early that month." The second and third clauses have problems. The first comma could be turned into a colon and the phrase "it was" placed infront of "pushed". Ottava Rima (talk) 02:08, 23 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]
Parenthetical: "noted that given the series' track". A comma is needed before "given" as "given" starts a parenthetical phrase. Ottava Rima (talk) 02:08, 23 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Plot

Nouns: "On course for Earth". "On a course set for Earth" to be more precise. Also, the term "while" would be necessary to logically fit the sentence. Ottava Rima (talk) 02:08, 23 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]
Logic: "rendered unconscious and captured by an overwhelming Covenant strike force". The word "overwhelming" is meaningless without context. Suggest rewriting: "he is overwhelmed by a Covenant strike force that renders him unconscious and captures him" or something along those lines. Ottava Rima (talk) 02:08, 23 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]
Abrupt transition: "On Mars". There is no real lead in. Some terms would help - "in the next scene", "in the next panel", etc. Ottava Rima (talk) 02:08, 23 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]
Clarity: "that in order to live the humans must give up the location of the Key". The sentence would seem clearer if it was more direct - "that the humans must give up the location of the Key in order to live" or "to keep their lives" or something along those lines. Ottava Rima (talk) 02:08, 23 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]
Vague: "but is surprised as he takes aim;" Ottava Rima (talk) 02:08, 23 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Reception

Vague: "Halo: Uprising was commercially successful on release." Phrase seems to be vague. Perhaps you mean that the series became successful on that date? Or was a commercial success. Note the subtle differences of those two and what is written above. The first of the two alternates means that they made the "costs" of the work. The second of the two alternates is more general to mean that they made money (but doesn't imply how much). Ottava Rima (talk) 02:08, 23 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]
Grammar: "superficial, as "try as they" You can replace the comma and the "as" with a colon. Ottava Rima (talk) 02:08, 23 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]
Word choice: "Publications criticized". Publications did, or critics did? Publications aren't a sentient entity (yet!). Ottava Rima (talk) 02:08, 23 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]
Phrasing: "with Comics Bulletin's Geoff Collins reviewed". "with" and "reviewing" can go together but "with" and "reviewed" don't fit (unless you put "having reviewed"). It could be rewritten to state: "also seen as a major fault: Comics Bulletin's Geoff Collins, in a review of the second issue, said that". Ottava Rima (talk) 02:08, 23 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Collected editions:

Information can be moved up to publication history and worked into a sentence. Ottava Rima (talk) 02:08, 23 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]
- I think I've dealt with the above. The webmaster used for the assertion that it's a running forum joke, Claude Errera, meets WP:SPS requirements as he has been profiled by reliable news organizations, both print and web, and used as a source for news programs, et al., so I'm not sure he needs to be called out there. I named him in the second instance because that seemed like more a single opinion. The only other thing I didn't change was the Bendis/Jay naming thing, because it seems like a bad idea to only include full names and such in the lead, seeing as the lead is drawing from the body, not the other way around. --Der Wohltemperierte Fuchs^(talk) 19:04, 27 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]

It is definitely now GA quality. Ottava Rima (talk) 18:39, 29 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Criterion 2: factually accurate and verifiable

Publication history:

Original source discrepancy: "which Bendis stated was a major goal for the series." From the source, I see: "IGN Comics: So fans new to the franchise (or those who only play multiplayer) will be able to jump into this book?". This would be opposite to what is suggested (comics leading to the video game, and not video game leading to comics). Ottava Rima (talk) 02:08, 23 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]
Original source discrepancy: The thought of the paragraph begins "While using established characters meant that Bendis was not able to do everything he wanted in Uprising". This emphasizes Uprising. However, the question asked does not deal with such specifics: "By owning Powers outright you can do anything you want with your characters. Were there any restrictions when dealing with Microsoft, Bungie, and Marvel?" Suggestion - there are many fine quotes dealing directly with this topic in the IGN source. Ottava Rima (talk) 02:08, 23 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]
- I think I've tweaked the text so these aren't issues anymore. --Der Wohltemperierte Fuchs^(talk) 19:04, 27 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]

It is definitely now GA quality. Ottava Rima (talk) 18:39, 29 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Criterion 3: broad in its coverage

I honestly can't answer this question. I have looked around and it seems that everything of importance is covered. I am not an expert in the area. Ottava Rima (talk) 02:08, 23 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Criterion 4: neutral

Everything appears to be favorable and written without any peacock terms. I am not an expert in the field so I may have missed something. Ottava Rima (talk) 02:08, 23 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Criterion 5: stable

No sign of edit warring or reverting. Slow, gradual expansion of text and consistent. Two issues mentioned on talk page (title change and formatting), but neither seem controversial or potentially destabilizing. Article meets this requirement. Ottava Rima (talk) 01:05, 23 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Criterion 6: illustrated, if possible, by images

Strong fair use rationale for File:Halo uprising1.png. Is it strong enough for FA? I would say there is a strong chance that it would be accepted. Deals directly with the topic and art would be necessary to depict a strongly visual medium. Image size at 250px might be too large, but consensus seems to favor this (a better size would be between 180 and 220 px) so this is not a component of the requirement. Other image, File:Bendis.jpg, is free and passes. OTRS seems to check out. Image placement could be better, but not a component of this requirement. Ottava Rima (talk) 01:05, 23 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]