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Talk:Jason McElwain/GA1

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GA Review

[edit]

This is pretty good overall. I went and fixed most copyedit issues, though double check to make sure I didn't miss any. However, here are some things I'd fix:

  • "...but began to develop social skills as he progressed to a higher age." This statement just sounds wrong. Maybe "as he grew older" or something along those lines?
Done --Mr.crabby ''''' (Talk) 21:49, 1 October 2008 (UTC)[reply]
  • The reaction section has a lot of paragraphs beginning with dates. Fix this so it doesn't feel proselineish.
How about now? --Mr.crabby ''''' (Talk) 21:49, 1 October 2008 (UTC)[reply]
  • McElwain "had a tear in my eye." Um.. maybe "had a tear in [his] eye." would be better?
Done --Mr.crabby ''''' (Talk) 21:49, 1 October 2008 (UTC)[reply]
  • Restructure wherever there's one sentence paragraphs. Can't have those.
Done --Mr.crabby ''''' (Talk) 21:49, 1 October 2008 (UTC)[reply]

Otherwise, this seems good. Shouldn't take more than a week to fix this little bit. Wizardman 20:07, 1 October 2008 (UTC)[reply]

Good, however the dates didn't have to be removed completely, just meshed in with the paragraphs. Wizardman 00:34, 2 October 2008 (UTC)[reply]
Better now? --Mr.crabby ''''' (Talk) 01:08, 2 October 2008 (UTC)[reply]
Yup. I don't see any other problems, so I'll pass this. Wizardman 19:12, 2 October 2008 (UTC)[reply]