Talk:Max Guevara/GA1

GA Review

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Reviewer: Aoba47 (talk · contribs) 18:51, 21 October 2016 (UTC)

I remember watching this show all the time with my mom, so I will definitely take the chance to review this article. I should have my comments up by the end of the weekend at the latest if that is alright with you. Aoba47 (talk) 18:51, 21 October 2016 (UTC)

Thanks for your review Aoba47. I was busy all weekend so i'm just getting a chance to look at your review now. I will strikethrough any suggestions I believe I have undoubtedly addressed and will add comments to any that I think will need your review. Freikorp (talk) 12:21, 23 October 2016 (UTC)

I've now addressed everything except some of the points in the reception section. I'll try and get to those tomorrow. Feel free to review any of my other comments in the meantime. Freikorp (talk) 13:28, 23 October 2016 (UTC)

@Freikorp: Great job with the article so far. Once my comments on the "Reception" section are completed, then I will pass this. Hope you have a wonderful rest of your weekend. Aoba47 (talk) 17:23, 23 October 2016 (UTC)

@Aoba47: I've tried to address everything in the reception section. Thanks again for your review. Freikorp (talk) 22:59, 24 October 2016 (UTC)

Lead and infobox

• Please add an ALT description for the image in the infobox.
• Max does not have to be put in bold in the caption.
• The second sentence in the lead sounds somewhat awkward to me, especially the part about Geneva Locke. I would suggest revising this so it flows better. Also, avoid repetition of the verb “to portray” in such a close proximity.

Reworded; let me know if you think it is sufficient now. Freikorp (talk) 12:17, 23 October 2016 (UTC)

• I would suggest revising the part about Max’s later appearance in the novels and video game adaptation to emphasize whether or not these appearances are canonical. I have adapted this from the Cordelia Chase article, but I think something along the lines of this would be beneficial: Max also appears in canonical Dark Angel material such as novels and the video game adaptation. This is more of a suggestion as it is a stylistic choice, but I feel that it would be beneficial. If her appearances in these mediums are not canonical, then you can use the term “apocryphal” instead.
• For the final sentence of the first paragraph, I would change “following a long line of…” to “followed a long line of…” as it would flow better, especially since you have another dependent clause immediately following this part of the sentence.
• Remove “From that time” as it is more filler, and the meaning is already understood from the previous sentence.
• Change of the instances of “attempts” to avoid repetition.
• Expand on what you mean by “The character was well received”. How so?

Clarified she was well received by critics. Is this enough clarification? Freikorp (talk) 12:17, 23 October 2016 (UTC)

Looks good to me, thank you. Aoba47 (talk) 17:23, 23 October 2016 (UTC)

Creation and appearances

• If possible, could you provide the name of the production company created by Cameron and Eglee?
• Created by or written by would sound better in the phrase “showcased by Cameron”. The verb “showcased” makes me think that someone else created those characters, and that Cameron was just featuring them.
• I would suggest cutting the final sentence of the first paragraph in two, and I am not sure if the “it’s a win/win situation” quote is necessary as I believe that you can paraphrase it in a much stronger manner. The second quote in that same sentence is strong, and should stay.

Reworded. Let me know if you think this is good enough. Freikorp (talk) 12:36, 23 October 2016 (UTC)

Looks good to me, thank you. Aoba47 (talk) 17:23, 23 October 2016 (UTC)

• You spell out one thousand here, but not in the lead. Stay consistent.
• I am not sure if the long quote about Cameron’s description about Alba’s audition tape is necessary. It would probably work stronger as a paraphrase.

Reworded. Let me know what you think. Freikorp (talk) 12:52, 23 October 2016 (UTC)

Looks good to me, thank you. Aoba47 (talk) 17:23, 23 October 2016 (UTC)

• Did Cameron clarify what brought him back to Alba’s tape? It may not be in the source cited so I understand, but it just seems odd that he would not provide more of a reason for this.

The source doesn't really clarify this other than his early comments regarding her attitude. Source reads "She had her head down, she was reading out of the script, her hair didn't look that great, she wasn't really in shape. I don't think she ever really worked out that much. Everyone thinks 'Ohh, it's a no brainer, she's so gorgeous, she's so beautiful, but she was 17 years old. She didn't present herself all that well. But there was something about the way she read the script that copped an attitude that I liked. I thought, 'This girl needs to be defiant. She has to have such great confidence in herself. [The character] has been a loner. She survived on her own. She's unique in the world. [Jessica] has to express that. She had some major attitude - I liked that.' As he made his way through the various tapes, Cameron found himself returning to Alba's tape, and then said, 'I want to see her!'" Freikorp (talk) 12:48, 23 October 2016 (UTC)

I figured as much, but I just wanted to clarify this point. Aoba47 (talk) 17:23, 23 October 2016 (UTC)

• I am assuming that in “before the script was written”, that you are referencing the “Pilot”, right? I would recommend clarifying this.

The source actually just says Alba "was hired before the scripts were written." I've reworded the prose to say scripts. Freikorp (talk) 12:36, 23 October 2016 (UTC)

Thank you! Aoba47 (talk) 17:23, 23 October 2016 (UTC)

• I do not understand what you mean by “Max plays the lead character”, since Max is the main character.

Yes, that was a bad choice of words on my part, I just meant to say that Max is the lead character. I've reworded accordingly. Freikorp (talk) 12:26, 23 October 2016 (UTC)

Thank you! Aoba47 (talk) 17:23, 23 October 2016 (UTC)

• Also, this sentence seems to come out of nowhere and does not really transition well with the rest of the section. The previous paragraph already establishes that Alba portrayed this character so it is awkward and redundant to restate it. I am not sure of the purpose of this sentence, and would recommend removing it, and focusing the paragraph on her appearances outside of the television series.

Let me know if you still feel this way now that I have explained what I was trying to say. Freikorp (talk) 12:52, 23 October 2016 (UTC)

Looks good to me, thank you. Aoba47 (talk) 17:23, 23 October 2016 (UTC)

Attributes

• Overall, this section is strong, but there are some choppy parts. For instance, the small sentence about Max owning a Kawasaki Ninja seems very abrupt, and there does not seem to be a strong flow between each other of the ideas, making the paragraphs comes across more as a list than a unified idea. The WikiProject Guild of Copy Editors may fix this after completing your request, but I would recommend looking back at this.

I've added some additional information about her motorcycle, hopefully it doesn't seem so abrupt now. Freikorp (talk) 13:02, 23 October 2016 (UTC)

Seems good to me, I remember that motorcycle was heavily featured so the additional information is much appreciated. Aoba47 (talk) 17:23, 23 October 2016 (UTC)

• The quote "went away as the series progressed." is not necessary and would be better if you paraphrased. Also, how does the issue go away as the series progresses? Was it actually answered on the show, or did they just phase it out without an official reason?

Clarified it was phased out without explanation. Freikorp (talk) 13:02, 23 October 2016 (UTC)

• Clarify what you mean by “Max goes into heat twice”. Twice what? Twice a day? Twice a week? Make sure to be clear when possible.

Clarified it was twice in the first season. Freikorp (talk) 13:02, 23 October 2016 (UTC)

Storyline

• Add a comma between “after escaping Manticore” and “Max”
• Put the first instance of Eyes Only in quotation marks for consistency.
• The quotes about Max's activities in the first season are not really necessary, and are better paraphrased (juggling missions and searching for her brothers and sisters).

I've paraphrased the second quote. I've left the first one in for now, I kind of like it and I can't think of a good paraphrase right now. Freikorp (talk) 13:14, 23 October 2016 (UTC)

• Why do you refer to Logan by his name in the second paragraph and then by his first name in the third and fourth paragraph? I would recommend picking one way and staying consistent.
• On a similar note, stay consistent on whether or not you refer to characters by their first or last names. You use first names like Max and Logan, and then last names like Renfro and Lydecker. As suggested in my previous comment, stay consistent with one way or the other.

I now only refer to Logan by his last name. I think it is appropriate, however, to refer to Max by her first name, as she is the subject. This seems to be the accepted practice. See Buffy Summers or Jill Valentine - they are only referred to by their first names. Freikorp (talk) 13:14, 23 October 2016 (UTC)

Makes sense, just want to clarify this part. Aoba47 (talk) 17:23, 23 October 2016 (UTC)

• Otherwise, great job with this section.

Reception

• I noticed that you use a lot of quotes in this section. I would recommend being more selective by paraphrasing, and using quotes only when the exact words are important.

Good point. I've removed three direct quotes. Freikorp (talk) 22:01, 24 October 2016 (UTC)

• Repetition of the phrase “use her body” in the first sentence; please revise this.
• I would recommend looking at this source (User:Mike Christie/Copyediting reception sections) to think about the organization/structure of the paragraphs in this section. I would recommend using a thematic opening sentence and making sure that the ideas are carefully laid out for the read. For instance, the first paragraph seems to be focused on her role as a feminist hero/action hero, and the second paragraph on her comparisons with other female characters, and the third on the reception of Alba as an actress. I would suggest using the resource that I provided to make this section stronger, as it has a lot of great ideas/material, but needs to strengthened and more focused.

Thanks for the suggestion. It was a big help. Have a look now. Freikorp (talk) 22:59, 24 October 2016 (UTC)

• I would suggest combining the third and fourth paragraphs, and focusing the new paragraph on the awards given to both Alba, and the character Max.

See also

• Are the two Wikilinks really necessary? They seem pretty generic (female action heroes, and women warriors), and I would suggest cutting them out, as they do not add anything to the actual article.

Removed. I didn't actually add those to the article, they are someone else's contribution and I just left it in there. Freikorp (talk) 13:18, 23 October 2016 (UTC)

Final comments

@Freikorp: I really enjoyed reading through this article. Once my comments are addressed, I will promote this as a GA. I did not focus too much on sentence construction/word choice as that will be addressed the WikiProject Guild of Copy Editors and I instead focused on other areas. Let me know if any of comments need clarification. I apologize for the long length of my review. Aoba47 (talk) 01:42, 22 October 2016 (UTC)

• @Freikorp: Congratulations on the article. I can tell you put a lot of work into it, and it is really good. It makes me want to go back and watch the show again. ✓ Pass Aoba47 (talk) 00:26, 25 October 2016 (UTC)