Talk:Otis Redding/GA2

GA Review

The following discussion is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.

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Reviewer: Jezhotwells (talk · contribs) 03:08, 7 December 2011 (UTC)[reply]

I shall be reviewing this article against the Good Article criteria, following its nomination for Good Article status.

Disambiguations: one found, unlinked Wayne Jackson as no Wiki article on this musician.[1] Jezhotwells (talk) 03:15, 7 December 2011 (UTC)[reply]

Linkrot: none found. Jezhotwells (talk) 03:17, 7 December 2011 (UTC)[reply]

Substantive review will be posted within 24 hours. Jezhotwells (talk) 03:17, 7 December 2011 (UTC)[reply]

Checking against GA criteria

GA review (see here for what the criteria are, and here for what they are not)

It is reasonably well written.
a (prose): b (MoS for lead, layout, word choice, fiction, and lists):
and he helped to craft the lean and powerful style of R&B POV phrase needs direct attribution - who said that - is it in fact a quote?
It is not a quote; in [2] and [3] you see similar statements
I didn't make myself clear. If you wrote "the lean and powerful style" then that is a POV statement an needs removing. If someine else said that, it needs attribution. Jezhotwells (talk) 17:55, 10 December 2011 (UTC)[reply]

In 1958 he joined Johnny Jenkins's band, The Pinetoppers, and toured the Southern United States, with Redding as the driver. Umm, the first "the" is presumably Redding so how could he tour with himself as the driver? Needs better phrasing.
Is it better?
Did he sing as well as driving, or was he just the driver? Jezhotwells (talk) 17:55, 10 December 2011 (UTC)[reply]
Redding has been the driver and the singer. One day he drove them to a session. In Sweet Soul Music the same question appears; the author explains Redding worked prior this session already as a musician; many believe he just started as a musician after this session. It was not scheduled that Redding should perform on that session. He performed two songs. Is it now ok?

Although he was more popular among blacks early in his career, he later became equally popular among whites. very clumsy phrasing.
I reworded it
Although more popular among blacks in the early career, he later became equally popular among whites. is equally clumsy
I reworded it

Later Stax discovered that Atlantic owned the rights to the entire catalog. So just imagine that i know very little about this. Was that good news or bad news?
It was good for Stax but not for Atlantic, but Stax had to absorb their loss ;)
So if you are going to mention it, please explain. Jezhotwells (talk) 17:55, 10 December 2011 (UTC)[reply]
I meant it was bad for Stax but good for Atlantic, but Stax had to absorb their loss... Sorry. If you read the section "Posthumous releases" you will understand whether it was good or bad

Redding won numerous awards posthumously We don't generally use active words about deceased people. Better would be he won many posthumous awards.
Changed
No, now it reads: "Redding won many awards posthumously," Take a look at my suggestion above.
Ok, changed

His legacy remains solid; Looks POV to me.
I don't think. His songs were mixed not long ago and his anniversary took place this year.
"Solid" is a point of view word.

How about "steady"?

''When Redding was three, the family moved to nearby Macon into the Tindall Heights Housing Project, a public housing project for blacks. You could lose the first "Housing Project" like this; "the family moved to Tindall Heights, a public housing project for blacks in nearby Macon." Reads better.
Agree. Reworded

Every Sunday he earned US$6 by playing songs for Macon radio station WIBB. "playing" or "singing", or even better "performing."
Changed

His backing band was not professional, so attendee Johnny Jenkins offered help. "attendee" attendee what?
Attendee of this gig
So please explain. Jezhotwells (talk) 17:55, 10 December 2011 (UTC)[reply]
now?

She gave birth to Reddings son missing possessive apostrophe.
Added

Some songs, such as "These Arms of Mine" and "Security", later charted successfully as singles. We a lready had that information two sentences earlier.
Actually not
Next, Redding wrote the song, "These Arms of Mine", his first single for Stax then Stewart signed Redding for Stax and released "These Arms of Mine", Jezhotwells (talk) 17:55, 10 December 2011 (UTC)[reply]
now better?

I'll tell you what - take this away and get it thoroughly, line-by-line copy-edited and I will review the rest of the prose. You did read WP:WIAGA criterion #1 didn't you. It says "reasonably well written". This is not near that standard, so I am puzzled as to why it was nominated in thais state. GAN ids not a place to fix up articles, it is where they are checked against the criteria.
I will try to copyedit
You need to get someone else with good copy-editing skills to do that. Jezhotwells (talk) 17:55, 10 December 2011 (UTC)[reply]
It is factually accurate and verifiable.
a (references): b (citations to reliable sources): c (OR):
Statements adequately sourced. Spot checks show statements are supported by cites, no evidence of OR
It is broad in its coverage.
a (major aspects): b (focused):
Sufficient coverage, focussed.
It follows the neutral point of view policy.
Fair representation without bias:
A couple of queries in the prose section.
It is stable.
No edit wars, etc.:
Stabel
It is illustrated by images, where possible and appropriate.
a (images are tagged and non-free images have fair use rationales): b (appropriate use with suitable captions):
File:OtisReddingStatue.jpg needs a detailed non-free fair use rationale for its use in this article. File:Otis Redding.jpg has a rationale but the image should be reduced in size. There is no justification for having a 600 × 758 resolution image under NFUR. The two sound samples meet the required standards.
1) now ok? 2) done
Overall:
Pass/Fail:
On hold for seven days for these issues to be addressed. 16:06, 7 December 2011 (UTC)
OK, this is still not reasonably well written. The nominator has said "I will try to copyedit". As they clearly have introduced many of the writing faults then they need to enlist the help of someone else, someone with good English literacy skills to copy-edit - then address the other points that have been raised above and below and then take it to peer review and when all of the good article criteria have been addressed, consider re-nominating at GAN. Not listed at this time. Jezhotwells (talk) 08:17, 15 December 2011 (UTC)[reply]

Questions

What is "open-throated singing"? Could you explain, or else provide a link?

Also, it says in the first sentence that he was a talent scout. Does the article explain this more? (I couldn't find it.) MathewTownsend (talk) 23:07, 8 December 2011 (UTC)[reply]

To your first question: I did not put this, I will ask what it exactly means. I think it is Falsetto, as the vocal chords don't fully swing, but only its edges; the throat is therewith somewhat "open". To your second question: It is indirectly written he founded Arthur Conley's talent and Redding took him to his concerts, even if he was unsigned at that time.--♫GoP♫_T ^C _N 10:33, 9 December 2011 (UTC)[reply]

Agree that both these things need addressing. Jezhotwells (talk) 17:55, 10 December 2011 (UTC)[reply]

Linked Overtone singing.--♫GoP♫_T ^C _N 20:00, 10 December 2011 (UTC)[reply]

That isn't correct, you are just guessing now. Jezhotwells (talk) 08:17, 15 December 2011 (UTC)[reply]

"In mid-1960 he moved to Los Angeles with his sister, Deborah Redding" - without his wife or what? MathewTownsend (talk) 00:58, 11 December 2011 (UTC)[reply]

How is it relevant?--♫GoP♫_T ^C _N 19:47, 11 December 2011 (UTC)[reply]

Well, it is informational about his personal life and character. When I asked a question about another article, William Phelps why the editor had included the statement about a 16th century sea captain that the was no evidence that the captain has been unfaithful to his wife, the editor answered that historians noted such things and it was important information about personal life and character to be included in a biography. Is this article a biography? MathewTownsend (talk) 20:02, 11 December 2011 (UTC)[reply]

I don't know. She was possibly at home, while Redding went to New York to record songs.--♫GoP♫_T ^C _N 21:47, 11 December 2011 (UTC)[reply]

New York? We were talking about LA above. Perhaps it would help if you thoroughly read all of the sources and then read Wikipedia:Article development and the useful links on writing good prose, etc. at User:Tony1. Then you may be better equipped to attempt to write a good article. Jezhotwells (talk) 08:17, 15 December 2011 (UTC)[reply]

The discussion above is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.