Talk:Ray Hall (basketball)/GA1

GA Review

The following discussion is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.

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Reviewer: LunaEatsTuna (talk · contribs) 05:47, 1 August 2023 (UTC)

I will (ideally) review this tomorrow (2 August UTC). ツ LunaEatsTuna (💬)— 05:47, 1 August 2023 (UTC)

Just a quick heads-up that I've been told offwiki Luna doesn't have internet access for the next few days, but will be able to resume the reviews after. Vaticidalprophet 16:02, 27 August 2023 (UTC)

Pass. This is the longest review I have ever done, and it is for an article that is just 1,000 words – oops. ツ LunaEatsTuna (💬)— 16:34, 5 September 2023 (UTC)

Copyvio check

Earwig gives no concerns.

Prose

• In § High school, recommend opening with his full name.
  • OK--TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 20:23, 26 August 2023 (UTC)
• "in the inner city" – do we know what city this refers to?
  • Thx.-TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 20:26, 26 August 2023 (UTC)
• "At Canisius, Hall is the all-time Canisius" – rephrase to avoid using Canisius twice in close-succession. Also:
  • fixed-TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 20:28, 26 August 2023 (UTC)
• The following five few sentences all commence with He; they would look better alternating between he and Hall.
  • Thx-TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 20:31, 26 August 2023 (UTC)
• "most recent Canisius NBA draftee" – wikilink NBA.
  • Linked NBA draft-TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 20:33, 26 August 2023 (UTC)
• "4-year teammate Mike Smrek (2nd round, 1st pick) 1985 NBA draft" – I think this should be Mike Smrek's.
  • Different fix.-TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 20:35, 26 August 2023 (UTC)
• "scoring records, he formerly held" – recommend using Hall here.
  • Thx-TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 20:37, 26 August 2023 (UTC)
• "(surpassed Al McClain, 1980–84 1861 and surpassed by Reggie Lewis, 1983–87 2709)" is a bit jargon-y; recommend rephrasing. I reckon this can be written and expanded upon a bit without the parentheses.
  • OK.-TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 20:40, 26 August 2023 (UTC)
• "Hall scored 13 points" – I would use he here.
  • OK-TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 20:41, 26 August 2023 (UTC)
• "posted a 32%" – percent per MOS:%.
  • OK-TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 20:42, 26 August 2023 (UTC)
• "back to October 1986 training camp" – pretty sure this needs a the.
  • Thx-TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 20:44, 26 August 2023 (UTC)
• "and he signed with the team in October" – should this not be "that October"?
  • Thx-TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 20:45, 26 August 2023 (UTC)
• "that would visit" – recommend rephrasing as "that would" was just used. And:
  • OK-TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 20:47, 26 August 2023 (UTC)
• "Seoul, Korea" should be Seoul, South Korea.
  • OK-TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 20:47, 26 August 2023 (UTC)
• Wikilink MVP.
  • Done-TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 20:49, 26 August 2023 (UTC)
• "Later in August 1988," – should probably be "Later that August".
  • OK-TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 20:51, 26 August 2023 (UTC)
• "abroad (in the 1988 PBA Reinforced Conference)" – the parentheses are not necessary.-TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 20:53, 26 August 2023 (UTC)

— Preceding unsigned comment added by LunaEatsTuna (talk • contribs) 22:42, August 20, 2023 (UTC)-TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 01:15, 22 August 2023 (UTC)

Refs

Spotcheck good to go on refs 4, 11, 12 and 28.

The discussion above is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.