Talk:Sharon Newman/GA2

GA Review

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Reviewer: Hahc21 (talk · contribs) and — Statυs (talk, contribs) 13:50, 25 February 2013 (UTC)[reply]

Lead

fictional character → unlink per WP:OVERLINK
CBS → CBS Daytime
"the character made her onscreen debut during the episode that aired March 24, 1994." → "the character made her onscreen debut on March 24, 1994."
"Before Case, who plays Sharon today, permenantly took over the role, it was briefly portrayed by Monica Potter and Heidi Mark, both lasting for two months each." → "Before Case permanently took over the role, Sharon was briefly portrayed by Monica Potter and Heidi Mark, who each played the role for two months."
"The character was described as a "young girl from the poor side of town" at first." → "When first introduced, the character was described as a "young girl from the poor side of town"."
"The supercouple pairing of Nick and Sharon, dubbed as "Shick" by viewers, has garnered a large following." → This doesn't really flow within the same paragraph as the other information; it just feels out of place. We're really skipping. I think the fourth paragraph should be merged with the first and "The supercouple..." one should be its own.
I'll continue the lead review after this is complete...

I fixed all of this. About the supercouple thing, you are right. I moved that to the fourth paragraph which contains general reception information about the character. Because they are a popular couple and have a fan following, that is sort of reception info. Is that ok?Ar re 03:53, 17 March 2013 (UTC)[reply]

"The characters of" → Not needed
"later gained custody" → "and they later gained custody"
"the baby who Sharon gave up for adoption years before" → A bit vague.
"both their parts" → "both sides"
"Following Cassie's death as a result of a car crash" → "Following Cassie's death in a car crash"
"Nick cheated again; with Phyllis Summers" → "Nick cheated on Sharon with Phyllis Summers"
"Faith was stolen at birth" → I believe this is what we called, kidnapped.

fixed all of this Changed to, "the baby Sharon had as a teenager, who she gave up for adoption" to clarify.. Ar re 04:06, 17 March 2013 (UTC)[reply]

"The following year" → Which is what? We don't know what the previous year was.

fixed Ar re 04:11, 17 March 2013 (UTC)[reply]

Casting

I see several sentences starting with "Case,...". try to add variety.

fixed added more variety. The word Case is only present twice now Ar re 00:21, 11 March 2013 (UTC)[reply]

Character development

Characterization

I see a semicolon right before "who was confined to a wheelchair as a result". Shouldn't be a comma?
We have a little problem. I see that you mix in-world storytelling about the history of Sharon with reviews from the real world. I'd recommend to separate this into different paragraphs to avoid confusion.
Same as the section above. I see many sentences starting with "Case,...". Try to scan the article and check that.

fixed if it's worth noting, most of those sentences starting with "Case, " was added by the previous GA reviewer of this article who thought it would be a good way to condense the text. Fixed these issues. Moved backstory info into storyline section. Ar re 00:40, 11 March 2013 (UTC)[reply]

Relationship with Nicholas Newman

The text said they married in 1996. The caption says "Nick and Sharon at their second wedding, February 1996." They married twice in a year?
"because Summer was ill and Phyllis needed Nick." If Summers and Phyllis is the same person, why state their name twice?
Who is Faith? Who is Ashley?

fixed their first marriage in 1995 was invalid, but it doesn't really need to be noted here anyway. Summer is Phyllis and Nick's baby daughter. I clarified who Summer, Faith and Ashley are. Ar re 00:40, 11 March 2013 (UTC)[reply]

Suggest renaming to Relationship with Nick Newman, since he is referred to as Nick throughout the article and not Nicolas.

Done Ar re 04:23, 17 March 2013 (UTC)[reply]

Cameron Kirsten storyline

The paragraph is a bit on the long time; should be split up.
Not sure on the title, as there is a separate section called "Storylines".

fixed renamed to "ordeal" because it was a very horrific experience. Ar re 04:23, 17 March 2013 (UTC)[reply]

Cassie's death

"Grimes said she didn't think Cassie would died" → ?

oops typo.

fixed Ar re 04:39, 17 March 2013 (UTC)[reply]

Other romances

Issues with going from past and present here. "Sharon lost her" and "She develops". I think that this should be checked for throughout the article, as I also see it in other places.

Fixed. Can you hold off on adding any more until I fix the tense issues for the whole article? Ar re 04:39, 17 March 2013 (UTC)[reply]

Relationship with Adam Newman

"stole Sharon's newborn baby" → Again.
"whom he caused to have a miscarriage and an hysterical pregnancy" → Vague and not very well written.

Fixed. Ar re 05:56, 17 March 2013 (UTC)[reply]

Storylines

Got some problems with consistency in the writing. What I mean by this is: "She lived with her mother", "In 1994, 18-year old Sharon arrives". I'm not sure which it should be written in, past or present, but it can only be done one way.

The first paragraph is back-story information. I just split it, I didn't see a point in splitting it initially but backstory info should be in past tense. Ar re 04:27, 17 March 2013 (UTC)[reply]

Reception

No issues here.

Comments

Status told me he will be willing to help me this week as possible. Since I am having some issues IRL, this review would take longer than needed. I apologize. — ΛΧΣ²¹ 17:13, 8 March 2013 (UTC)[reply]

It's okay, I understand. Thanks for beginning it. I just hope it can be done before April. Hope everything going on with you is okay. Ar re 00:54, 11 March 2013 (UTC)[reply]

Hahc, who as you know is (currently) retired, took a second look at the article after my review, and according to the both of us, the article meets the GA guidelines. So in result, we are promoting the article to GA status! Congratulations Arre! You've done a great job! — Statυs (talk, contribs) 22:20, 18 March 2013 (UTC)[reply]

Thankyou so much! I've been working on this for an extremely long time and this means a lot. Thanks for taking the time out to review it. Much love! Ar re 04:23, 19 March 2013 (UTC)[reply]