User:Mindspillage/disputes
 | This is an essay. It contains the advice or opinions of one or more Wikipedia contributors. This page is not an encyclopedia article, nor is it one of Wikipedia's policies or guidelines, as it has not been thoroughly vetted by the community. Some essays represent widespread norms; others only represent minority viewpoints. |
 | This page in a nutshell: Disputes are never solved by escalating them. |
If you feel wronged by another user's words, nothing is ever gained by responding on the offensive. Respond with courtesy and respect—even if you don't think it's deserved—or don't respond at all. Even if you are certain the other party is not acting in good faith, escalating the dispute does nothing to help you. By continuing it, you are no longer without blame for any problem that arises; you have fanned the flames. A dispute that would have faded away for lack of interest gains vigor with another participant. If you respond on the offensive to someone who has attacked you, why would their reaction be anything other than another attack? They have already shown themselves to be willing to attack once, to ignore the civility guidelines. Sinking to their level only encourages them to continue.
When in doubt, be kind. When not in doubt, be kind anyway. A courteous and civil response to a potentially inflammatory statement has many possible outcomes. If the offense was due purely to misunderstanding, you have avoided making an unwarranted attack on someone who has done you no wrong. If you were intentionally attacked, you have avoided sinking to the level of the person who did it. When you respond with hostility, you behave no better than they do, and you give legitimacy to their opinion of you. If someone believes you to be hostile, and you respond unkindly, you confirm that. If you respond with nothing but civility, your attacker is the one who looks bad, not you.
The hardest thing about following this guideline is stifling your ego. You have not "lost" by not answering a perceived attack in kind, or by failing to get the last word. If you don't react to a perceived slight, their attack has completely failed to do what it was intended to do.