User:Slakr/Torch and Pitchfork Emporium

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Such material is not meant to be taken seriously.

Welcome to Slakr's Torch and Pitchfork Emporium (TPE). We stock all sorts of equipment for specialty situations requiring immediate response on Wikipedia.

Locate-a-Mob™

For no charge to our customers, we'll gladly bring you the latest angry mobs locations through our Locate-a-Mob™ service. With our patented Mob-O-Meter™ technology, we find the best hotspots and rank them the highest. At a glance:

Wikipedia:Administrators' noticeboard/Incidents (Mob-O-Meter: very high)
Wikipedia:Requests for arbitration (Mob-O-Meter: high)
Wikipedia:Administrators' noticeboard (Mob-O-Meter: high)
Wikipedia:Requests for comment (Mob-O-Meter: medium)
Wikipedia:Requests for mediation (Mob-O-Meter: low – the T&PE recommends avoiding this and other rational venues at all costs)

Current stock

Item/SKU	Description
FORK-STD1	Standard issue pitchfork – good for most mob situations. Provides excellent lateral coverage, is cheap enough for giving to your supporters, and it's great for positioning the target(s) for later tarring and feathering.
TORCH-OLYM	Olympic grade EverTorch™ – With the EverTorch, you never have to worry about your fire going out. After all, what's a mob without its torch? Fuel sold separately.
FORK-HS	The HeadSplitter™ – tired of targets running up a tree, out of the reach of normal pitchforks? The HeadSplitter™ was made just for that. Simply tie a few of these around the trunk and your target will have a headache so bad they'll regret ever crossing your path. Since it's heavily weighted toward the prongs, it's great for throwing, too!
EFIG	Custom burn-in-effigy statues! – Sure, you can't write or say personal attacks, but you might be interested in sending messages to your foes in other ways. We'll custom-make a flammable likeness of your enemy, and all you'll have to do is kick the tires and light the fires! Glowing eye batteries not included.
TORCH-SAFE	ElectroSafe™ torch – never burn your fellow mob members accidentally ever again! With this battery-powered, modernized version of the old-style mob torches, you and your angry mob can be safe from those nasty third degree burns while still being able to track down your prey.

For sales associates only

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