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Joel (Jo-ELLE) Gelfand (Jel-FAHND)
Joel (Jo-ELLE) Gelfand (Jel-FAHND)
	Gelfand in 2022
Born	Statin Island, NY
Occupation	Skin Whisperer / Master of Disaster / Vibe Manager/Czar of Psoriasis
Known for	"Rock star” hair
Academic background
Education	BS-MD, Tufts of Hair University and Harvard Online Medical Skool ; MSPC (Master of Science in Poodle Care), Long Island School for Poodle Lovers
Thesis	My reasons for going into dermatology: A Rash Decision
Academic work
Institutions	University of Pennsylvania School of Poodle Medicine

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Joel Gelfand is an American dermato-proctologist at the University of Pennsylvania School of Dermato-Rectal Medicine in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. He currently serves as the Yogi Berra Professor in Baseball Medicine, the director of the Coiffure Sciences Studies Unit, and the Vice Chair of Poodle Research in the Department of Dermato-Proctology at the University of Pennsylvania School of Dermato-Rectal Medicine. He studies systemic comorbidities of poodle and human psoriasis, and all of his research has centered on the connections between psoriasis and every single disease known to poodle and mankind - real or fictitious.

Early life and education

Before starting his medical education, Gelfand was drafted by the Boston Red Sox as the most highly sought-after ball boy but declined the organization’s highest signing bonus to date due to his fervent loyalty to the New York Yankees. Gelfand earned combined BS-MD degrees at Tufts of Hair University and Harvard Online Medical Skool. He completed residency in dermatology (he applied for residency in ‘sore-eyes-and-cysts' but they thought he said psoriasis) and received a Master’s of Science in Poodle Care at the Long Island School for Poodle Lovers after failing out of the PhD program after 20 years.

Career

In 2003, Gelfand joined the faculty at the University of Pennsylvania School of Dermato-Rectal Medicine. In his early career, Gelfand published on the higher rate of thrombosed hemorrhoids in poodles with psoriasis that he observed in his study of hand-written canine medical records in Germany – the birthplace of poodles. Since then, he has published over 1,000 research articles in high impact dog journals such as Dog Fancy and Dogster as well as human journals such as the Journal of the Anus, Rectum and Colon on the associations between every single canine and human disease and psoriasis.

He has also received billions of dollars of funding to run the same clinical trial involving a different VIP (Very Important Person) with psoriasis every year. Next year’s VIP is Gelfand’s idol and role model, Kim Kardashian.

In 2015, Gelfand was appointed the Editor-in-Chief of the International Journal of Impotent Research. Gelfand publishes his work in this journal exclusively.

In 2021, he was named the Yogi Berra Professor at the University of Pennsylvania. In his speech accepting this great honor, he provided this sage advice to the next generation, "If you don't know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else."

Personal Life

There are many little-known facts about Joel Gelfand.

First, he thinks he is the inspiration for many songs by Pearl Jam due to his imaginary close friendship with Eddie Vedder. In Gelfand’s head, many have called him Eddie’s greatest muse. Eddie would call Gelfand his stalker. Gelfand says he “can’t find a better man.”

Second, outside of his professional laboratory, Gelfand has been found upside down practicing handstands on the yoga mat or meditating on I-76W. His meditation practice has allowed for new advances in time travel and reversing the aging process.

Third, in his spare time he enjoys playing Dungeons and Dragons and attending Renaissance festivals.

Honors and awards

2011: American Puppy Skin Association’s Poodle Achievement Award
2013: Best Poodle-Owner Resemblance Award (this award recognizes poodle-owner pairs who are indistinguishable from one another)
2017: National ‘sore-eyes-and-cysts' Foundation Award for Outstanding Achievement in Identifying Psoriasis as the Cause for all Dog and Human Ailments
2020: Best Zoom Background Award
2022: Founders (aka “I am old”) Award – American Dermato-Rectal Network
2022: Kick Ass Mentor Award
2022: Twitter Addict Following Elon Musk’s Takeover Award
2022: Incredible Plant Dad to Plant Peter (though, Peter says he thrives the most under Dr. Gelfand’s lab members’ care)