User:Wolphii/Sandbox

Since the dawn of time, man has yearned to crossbreed spiders with lions. Cave-paintings at Lascaux depict spiders and lions being herded into narrow canyons and cave systems. Archaeological evidence suggests that these Spiderlion Runs were then heated with fire in the hope that the two creatures would melt together and emerge as a single beast. It is believed that these early experiments marked the beginning of barbecue culture.

Classical Period

Demosthenes, in his work Lionspiders and Other Unnatural Beasts, suggested a formula for the creation of Spider Lions which he claimed to have used himself successfully on three occasions. On the first, the Spider Lion killed and ate his nephew Aristaeus. On the second, the creature died almost immediately. On the third attempt, however, Demosthenes managed to engage the creature in conversation for some minutes before the spider and lion halves flew appart "as though propelled by a magical force.

His report of the coversation is as follows:

"I asked the Spider Lion what it knew of the condition of mankind, and of the lands and peoples that live outside the knowledge of civilisation. It replied that there was only one way to find out, and this was by fighting it furiously. At this point it exploded."

Spider-Lions in America

In 1855, American engineer and inventor Gridley Bryant proposed a method of confining tarantulas inside a lion's carcass, which would then be reanimated by steam power. The device, never built in Bryant's lifetime, was patented as Bryant's Curious Mechanical Engine, and was intended to be used for laying railroad tracks, intimidating unruly domestic slaves, and conquering the Indian tribes of the West. Instead, the first successful Engines were built after the end of the American Civil War, when, during Reconstruction, they were widely seen patrolling the streets of Southern cities, frequently engaging in street battles with the Ku Klux Klan. In 1875, the largest single warehouse of Curious Mechanical Engines was destroyed during a Klan attack on the township of Spider Lion Creek, South Carolina. The explosion also destroyed every copy of Bryant's plans and several of Abraham Lincoln's cousins and friends. After this, the United States Congress passed the Unnatural and Frightening Devices and Contraptions Law, banning American citizens from constructing or importing robotic lions, robotic spiders, or "any combination thereof designed to harass or confuse the citizens of the Republic".

Spider-Lions in the Arts

The few surviving spider-lions integrated with American society, and are believed to be living in America to this day. Many prominent actors and musicians have been rumoured to be spider-lions, including Sarah Michelle Gellar, Bruce Willis and Marlene Dietrich. The first prominent American actor to publically announce himself as a spider-lion was popular music hall entertainer Spidery Joe Griffiths. After making the announcement at a press conference in 1924, Spidery Joe was quickly immobilised in a web and held at bay with a chair until reinforcements could arrive. Since that time no public outings of spider-lions have occurred.

Spider-lions feature either explicitly or metaphorically in many popular films and musicals. Critics have interpreted West Side Story as a metaphor for the plight of the spider-lion, with the Sharks and Jets a thinly veiled reference to the creature's dualistic nature. An unusually direct reference to Spider-Lions can be found in the Destiny's Child b-side, "I Don't Want No Spider-Lion Man", in which singer Kelly Rowland complains of the male Spider-Lion's supposed propensity for irresponsible drinking and financial waste.