User talk:Collaboration0826/sandbox

Hi, Collaboration0826! You have on your talk page an impressive set of notes. This is an innovative way to think "on paper" about the edits you would like to see. You have been thoughtful in your research and in your efforts to create a NPOV. Some things to brainstorm:

Replace "perpetuate" with a more npov term.

Put in first sentence or second sentence something telling readers that activists against the effects of the school to prison link (S2PL) call it the 'school to prison pipeline.'

What is your reasoning for using the word 'link'? Is there a noun that connotes directionality? Is this a term from the literature?

It's time to take the plunge! I would like to see the sandbox looking like an article very soon. Let me know if you need help.Prof.Vandegrift (talk) 12:16, 5 November 2015 (UTC)

Feedback from Natalie Deerr

I think that you are off to a good start. Some quick suggestions as far as your lead paragraph: some of your wording and sentence structure is in need of revision. Try to edit out things like "this is" as Dr. V was talking about in class. I went ahead and changed the second heading to "Causes" but I am not sure that will be the best fit by the end of your editing. Your lead will probably develop a better structure and overview after you are finished with your article and know where you are really going. I will review your article again on Sunday to hopefully have more to look at! Nataliedeerr (talk) 00:30, 13 November 2015 (UTC)

You have made some great progress. I think things to work towards as you start finalizing your draft is using concise and clear language. I think that what Alyssa and Dr. V have suggested is also really helpful. I was slightly confused on the difference between link and pipeline, so some more clarification would be helpful. I think you have really great statistics throughout the whole article. Integration or a bit of explanation of this may be beneficial so far as it does not get redundant. Additionally, if you could find more graphics on the statistics that may bolster your article even more. I also added in a link to my article in the bottom section! The last suggestion I have is regarding your last section. Although I think you have great information, maybe relate it back to the topic of the article, I understand where you are going with it, but the average reader may not be clear on the direct connection to the School to Prison Link. Great job! :) Nataliedeerr (talk) 04:53, 16 November 2015 (UTC)

Feedback from Alyssa Wilkinson

Your article is off to a good start! I think the topic you cover is an increasingly important one that needs to be addressed and the information you have presented is very applicable. You have done a good job of keeping NPOV and following Wikipedia standards of writing style. You have also done a good job of implementing multiple statistics into the article, and the graphic you chose is great.

Here are somethings to consider as you revise and develop your article: Your lead paragraph uses multiple terminology to define the same thing (school-to-prison link, school-to-prison pipeline, and school-prison-link). I think it would be helpful to the reader to make it known right away that these all mean the same thing. In the Causes section you asked the question how to show that the policies are located below. I think adding something like "as further explained later in this article" or something along the lines of that would work and be beneficial so readers know to be looking for that later in the article. You also made comment to add in sources - go ahead and do this! Also, some of your paragraphs have a lot of statistics in them and I am confused about where those stats are coming from. You cite a source at the end of the paragraph - are all those statistics from that source? This is somthing I am struggling with my own article as well, but maybe we can ask this question in class in case others are struggling as well. One place in particular I got confused with your sources is in the Disparities section. You have a quotation that states "In-school... but there is no end quote. Also, is the source that is cited right after it where that quote is found? If so, where are the rest of the statistics found? Under the Zero Tolerance Policies you reference ZTPs but never define what those are. I assume they are Zero Tolerance Policies? Let the reader know thats what they are right away either in the heading for first sentence. In the Policing In Schools section you note that the Institutional similarity section should be aligned here and needs major additions as theis is the main way of describing the link, but you do not show any major additions. Do you need to find more information? I'm just sort of confused by this part. You also asked the question about an Implications on youth Lives section - I think this should be its own section added to the article rather than trying to integrate into other sections.

Your article is in the right direction but I agree with Dr. V's feedback that it still seems like a bunch of notes rather than an article and would like to see it developed into more of an article structure. Let me know if you have any questions about my feedback! AMWilkinson (talk) 00:49, 16 November 2015 (UTC)