Wikipedia:Featured article candidates/Khan Wali Khan/archive2

Khan Wali Khan

Resubmitting: Self nomination Pashtun nationalist, political prisoner and leader of the opposition in Pakistan. I've redone this article with the help of Tombs and Ryan. Opinions and constructive criticism will be appreciated. --Zak 16:27, 10 July 2006 (UTC) ArchivedWikipedia:Featured article candidates/Khan Wali Khan1

• Weak object still for the same reasons; it's a lot better now, but there are still many errors:
  • His mother Mehar Qanda belonged to the nearby Razar village, who was married to Bacha Khan in 1912, she died during the flu pandemic after World War I. The comma after 1912 should be a semicolon, or an "and" should be added.
  • He joined the Khudai Khidmatgar movement in his teens and, in 1942, Khan formally stepped into the field of politics "Khan" is unneeded, since the subject is already "he".
  • separated by a thousand miles Indian territory "of" could help
  • Wali Khan, along with many other politicians at the time, were imprisoned and disqualified was
  • The new Military leader capital M?
  • Shocked upon hearing the news that the military junta would not transfer power to the majority Bengalis; Khan here the semicolon should be a comma
  • possible internment in West Pakistan.[7].
  • Zulfiqar Bhutto who wanted to lift martial law and set up a new constitution comma couldn't hurt
• Thanks, AZ _t 21:48, 10

July 2006 (UTC)

All done AZ --Zak 12:18, 11 July 2006 (UTC)

• Object 2a, there are prose problems throughout, of the same nature as described in the first FAC, and above. There are missing commas, changes in tense, and general copyediting cleanup needed. (I haven't checked the references, but they appear light for a political article.) Fixing only the few examples given doesn't correct the overall difficulties with the prose throughout the article. It needs a set of fresh eyes to start over on the text. Looking at a random section in the middle of the article:
  • overall cleanup, saw this: separated by a thousand miles (1500 km)of Indian territory, no space after 1500km)
  • Despite his father's efforts against partition and his brief attempt to instead create a new nation called Pakhtunistan, on August 14, 1947 Pakistan came into being. Whose brief attempt, his or his father's?
  • By the end of the negotiations, he held a series of meetings with then Governor General Ghulam Mohammed. Hard to explain, but tortured sentence construct. Why do we need the by the end of the negotiations?
  • Khan joined the National Awami Party (Awami meaning 'people') in 1956, a new political party formed by his father along with other progressive and leftist leaders from both wings of Pakistan. Why is meaning people in parentheses, yet another description of the party follows? Combine the thoughts with consistency. I just had a very hard time with the prose.
  • The opposition parties united under the Combined Opposition Party alliance and decided to field a joint candidate against Ayub Khan in the Presidential elections. decided to field --> fielded .
  • However, despite a compromise agreement on some issues, it is alleged that the military leadership and its political allies did not want Ayub Khan to succeed. [6]Wali Khan held a separate meeting with Ayub Khan reference placed with no space before next sentence (needs a thorough cleanup copyedit), and it is alleged or it was alleged? There are tense changes throughout the article.
• Fixing the list will not address all of the prose problems in the article: I had problems with every paragraph I read.
• Not comprehensive: if the article is a bio, should it gloss over his death with, "after a long illness"? (Section also has prose problems: After a long illness, Wali Khan died on 26 January 2006. He is survived by his wife Nasim Wali Khan, three daughters and two sons. His funeral was widely attended with condolence messages from Pakistani President Pervaiz Musharraf, Prime Minister Manmohan Singh and Afghan President Hamid Karzai.) Missing commas, at minimum. Sandy 03:13, 12 July 2006 (UTC)

Sandy points taken, with regard to grammar however the bit about his illness i disagree with. Firstly Khan stayed away from the media and very little came out in public about the precise nature of his health problems. Additional referencing is hard because of poor documentation. --Zak 11:40, 12 July 2006 (UTC)

Maybe you can work in some wording that explains that the cause of his death was unknown? Sandy 11:44, 12 July 2006 (UTC)

Oh yes Sandy I've addressed the specific points you've made and put a mention about his passing. I'm going to see if I can get some copy editing help and look into the rest. --Zak 12:09, 12 July 2006 (UTC)

I should have mentioned that I struck my comment above. Please leave me a message if you need me to take another look later. My house was hit by lightening, and I may lose track of what I'm following. Sandy 15:49, 12 July 2006 (UTC)

• Object—2a. There's good in this article, but it's unacceptable until it's been through a thorough copy-edit. Don't just fix these examples from the top.
  • "Khan was the second of three sons, he received his early education at the Azad Islamia School in Utmanzai."—Ungrammatical.
  • His father's name is provided on the second rather than the first mention.
  • "which led to him wearing his trademark glasses"—Ungrammatical ("his", not "him"). What exactly does "trademark" mean here? Is it unambiguous?
  • "Despite his pacifist upbringing as a young freedom fighter,"—This seems contradictory, and thus should be explained or reworded.
  • "He was to later explain"—Splitting infinitives is not banned, but here it would be easier not to.
  • "Khan joined the Khudai Khidmatgar movement in his teens and, in 1942, formally stepped into politics by joining the Indian National Congress and served as a provincial joint secretary of the party"—and ... and. Perhaps split this sentence for easier reading?
  • Try an en dash for the range of years: it's kewler.Tony 16:00, 12 July 2006 (UTC)

I'll have a look at the stuff you mentioned, the trademark glasses was how people would point him out in Pakistan. Pacifist upbringing: he was from a part of the world where revenge in retaliation to attack was quite common. The Khudai Khidmatgar movement was something of an oddity in the regions history. A non-violent army taking on the British Raj, obviously has its limits as Gandhi himself admitted. --Zak 17:27, 13 July 2006 (UTC)

I've put in some of the changes you mentioned what do you mean by en dash? --Zak 15:54, 15 July 2006 (UTC)

• CommentShouldn't the "Notes" section be "Bibliography"? WP 06:15, 13 July 2006 (UTC)

Hmm I'm used to Harvard referencing but if it's wrong that shouldn't be a problem to change? --Zak 17:27, 13 July 2006 (UTC)

Actually, I think the "Notes" and "References" are backward, at least according to WP:GTL#Notes. AZ _t 14:27, 14 July 2006 (UTC)

Ok sorted --Zak 15:54, 15 July 2006 (UTC)