Wikipedia:Peer review/Androgenic alopecia/archive1

Androgenic alopecia

This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because…

I have rewritten it with more complete Pubmed citations, pictures, have rewritten and expanded most/all sections. I am cautious of WP:Ownership and wanted to get more neutral opinions about the revisions and thoughts for future direction. I would like it to eventually be a GA/FA. My thanks, Ramwithaxe ^talk 23:06, 6 January 2013 (UTC)

Comments from Cryptic C62

• "Androgenic alopecia is loss of hair that occurs due to an underlying susceptibility of hair follicles to androgenic miniaturization." Considering that this is the very first sentence in the article, I think some effort should be made to avoid using unlinked terms which the reader may not be familiar with. What is a follicle? What is androgenic miniaturization? More importantly, are these really the first details that need to be given when answering the question "What is androgenic alopecia?" Maybe so, but maybe not; definitely worth thinking about.
• "It is the most common cause of hair loss and will affect up to 70% of men and 40% of women at some point in their lifetime." I would suggest changing "will affect" to "affects". The former suggests a prediction, whereas the latter describes that which is already known about the condition.
• "It is the most common cause of hair loss and will affect up to 70% of men and 40% of women at some point in their lifetime." On an unrelated note, I was unable to find this claim in the body of the article. In general, the lead should only contain information that is also in the body.
• What is vertex balding?
• What are etiologies?
• "temples" should be linked on its first usage, not its second.
• "Classic androgenic hair loss in males begins above the temples and vertex" What does "classic" mean here? Perhaps a more formal phrasing would be "Androgenic hair loss in males typically begins..."
• I'm not sure if the fourth paragraph of the lead is about animals which develop baldness naturally, or animals into which the baldness gene has been successfully transferred. Either way, I'm not convinced that this material is really critical enough to be presented in the lead. What about treatment? Or psychology? A good rule of thumb is that the lead should contain at least one sentence for each of the article's main sections, which is currently not the case.
• "A number of hormonal changes occur with aging" The list that follows this is numbered rather than bulleted. Why?
• I am of the opinion that Androgenic impact of exercise is far too large and detailed for the purpose of this article. Too much of the material here seems to be intended to give the reader a thorough understanding of the relationships between hormones and exercise, which is not appropriate for this article. There are entire paragraphs here which don't even mention baldness! I've also noticed that the article lacks an Epidemiology section, which is critical for any article about a medical condition. I strongly suggest summarizing the entire Androgenic impact of exercise section into a single paragraph, and then incorporating that into an Epidemiology section. Perhaps the current section can be split off into a new article.
• Avoid one-sentence paragraphs, such as "Female patients with mineralocorticoid resistance present with androgenic alopecia." These should either be expanded, merged, or deleted.
• The Psychological effects and Diagnosis sections should be expanded.

I'll be watching this page, so leave a note here if you have any questions. --Cryptic C62 · Talk 21:37, 20 January 2013 (UTC)