Wikipedia:Requests for feedback

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Requests for Feedback

This page provides comments and constructive criticism about articles that you have drafted, created, or substantially changed. This is not a general help page. To seek assistance or ask a question, see Wikipedia:Questions. If you are seeking an outside opinion about a dispute, please follow the steps in Wikipedia:Dispute resolution. Please note that this page is patrolled by volunteer editors just like you and it may take several days to review your request.

Before you request feedback

There are certain things which come up again and again so it may help if you deal with them before requesting feedback: Does your article have reliable sources? These are important in terms of both verifiability and notability. Do you have a conflict of interest that may harm your ability to produce a neutral article? If you would like a beginner's guide to these sorts of issues, take a look at the article wizard. If you are unsure about how to edit Wikipedia articles, take a look at this tutorial. For a more general discussion of writing your first article, see "Your first article".

How to post a request

Place a Wikilink, with the title of the page inside [[ and ]] - for example, [[User:Example/Lipsum]] or [[Cats]] - in the box below. Click Click To Add Request In the new article, Write a brief summary of your work or what in particular you need help with, but do not post the whole article here. If you have rewritten an existing article, you may wish to provide a diff link from that article's history that shows your changes. Check regularly for responses to your request; they will most often be made here. ↓ Post your request using the box below. Replace "Untitled" with a wikilink to your article - e.g. [[User:Example/Lipsum]] or [[Cats]] ↓

After Receiving Feedback

Check back here often, as you will receive a response here. Respond to the feedback, either with a simple thank you, to ask for help with anything mentioned, or, after you've made some of the improvements, what they think of them. Consider helping out here in the future - anyone can read up on what articles should be like and provide constructive criticism.

Are you providing feedback?

Please consider notifying the user whose article you are providing feedback for by placing a message on their talk page, so they will be able to read it in a timely manner and reply if necessary. You can use.. {{Feedbackreply-sm}} A template asking the user to check back here and consider responding {{Feedbackreply-alt}} A more personal version of the first offering your help with developing, moving to mainspace, etc.

(For help, see Wikipedia:Purge)

The previous few days of requests are transcluded below. The pages for the past 20 days are: ()

• August 16
• August 17
• August 18
• August 19
• August 20
• August 21
• August 22
• August 23
• August 24
• August 25
• August 26
• August 27
• August 28
• August 29
• August 30
• August 31
• September 1
• September 2
• September 3
• September 4

Index of all requests for feedback

human eye color

I would like to find out which genes create what eye color in humans. For instance blue and blue =blue or grey or ? Question my exwifes eyes are brown, her parents eyes are brown and my eyes are blue, as well as both my parents. Our daughter's eyes are green, sometimes slightly hazzle.

Eye color is an inherited trait influenced by more than one gene.[1] In humans, three genes coding for eye color are currently known: EYCL1, EYCL2, and EYCL3.[2][3] These genes account for three phenotypic eye colors (brown, green, and blue) in humans. Although it was once thought that brown eye color was always dominant and blue eye color was always recessive, the fact that two blue-eyed parents can give birth to a brown-eyed child has shown that the determination of eye color does not follow the simple rules of Mendelian inheritance, although this is so rare that scientists didn't even notice that it happens (perhaps 1 in 100,000,000) until recently. It is not like two brown haired parents who have a blonde haired child, because blonde and brown hair is the same gene pair. Eye color is the most demanding of any gene, due to the fact all four have to be a the same color or the eye color will not be pure, and will be mixed with each other (like blue-green).[4] Eye color usually stabilizes when an infant is around 6 months old. [5].

For more information, please see Eye color, or ask at the reference desk.

--May the Force be with you! Shreshth91 14:25, 2 December 2006 (UTC)

Edit to Microarchitecture Stub

Please review and let me know what is thought of my revisions to this stub. Here is the diff page for the revisions.

http://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Microarchitecture&diff=next&oldid=106982850

Thank you

Timmh

nice work dude add few pictures with it

You've done a great job expanding this stub. I did a bit of copyediting, but the prose is good on the whole. A few more references (at least one per paragraph preferably) and some diagrams could improve this article a lot.MAIS-talk-contr 21:57, 12 April 2007 (UTC)

Polyanhydrides

Hello everyone! I have added a new article to Wikipedia: Polyanhydrides. This is a class of polymers generally used in the medical or drug delivery fields. Any suggesstions or reccommendations would be much appreciated! polyanhydrides

Daxcon

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Daxcon

I was hopingto get some feedback on the layout of my article. The reason that I care about my layout is that it is a company article and feel that it should follow a certain layout. Also, I was wondering if there were any other specific pages to where I could link my article or if I need to add a section to make the article more wikipedia oriented.

It doesn't appear that the layout is a problem, other than it reads like an advertisement. The commercial tone needs to be stripped out (for example, the See also section is merely a list of clients), and the article needs to establish what makes it worth including. For example, have they won industry awards, or are they mentioned in independent media - Tiswas^(t/c) 12:50, 17 April 2007 (UTC)

Luis Federico Leloir

Can someone review and help clean things up from this article? I just translated it from the Spanish edition, where it was a featured article.

Arjen Robben

I have been working on this article for some time and would like make it a good article. I understand that there's a long way to go but I'm not sure what I should do to improve it. This is an article about a football player, and some people have told me that a football player's page in general stands no chance for any good status, unless he is a remarkably well-known star (like David Beckham). Could anyone please kindly give me feedback on the current condition of the article. Any suggestion is very much appreciated. Thanks so much. S. Miyano 12:13, 19 March 2007 (UTC)

I'm still something of a newbie, but given the backlog I'll go ahead & comment. Overall the article seems very thorough, pretty balanced in tone & content, and fairly well sourced. Indeed, it actually seems like a lot of copy for a 23 year old--if anything it could use some trimming, particularly the "quotes" section, not all of which is sourced, plus some of the quotes seem like boilerplate. Also, heavy sourcing from a fansite might seem dubious to some, esp. if you could get the same stuff from official team sites or newspapers.

One other thing. it might just be my browser, but the "Netherlands Roster" box displays weirdly--runs off the screen & doesn't align with itself. Hope all that helps. --Turangalila (talk) 19:52, 19 March 2007 (UTC)

Thank you for giving me the feedback. I've removed all the unsourced quotes and will only insert them back in if i can find proper sources later. I replaced the fansite which was used as reference (thanks for telling me!). The quote section looks quite short now. About the template Netherlands Squad, it seems fine to me (I'm using Firefox). Also, I'm confused about your advice of trimming, because I always thought that I should make this article longer to make it reach GA status, do think it is currently long enough? S. Miyano 06:12, 21 March 2007 (UTC)

As a rookie, I can't be much help wrt achieving GA or FA status; better advice might be available at Peer Review (which seems more active than this page anyway!).

The "trimming" advice is more a matter of personal stylistic preference: I like "tight" writing, at least in non-fiction, and I generally look to an encyclopedia for a concise intro, rather than an exhaustive treatment of the subject; also, I think brevity can sometimes help maintain NPOV. However, the reader is free to "skim", or to read only the infobox & intro, so I may be all wet here. I certainly don't speak for any community consensus, if there is one. WP:SIZE seems to leave alot to one's judgement, and perhaps erring on the side of thoroughness is the better bet. Certainly my comments here aren't notable for brevity :-). --Turangalila (talk) 20:23, 21 March 2007 (UTC)

Yeah, I guess I'll need to "trim down" some text this weekend. ;)S. Miyano 14:35, 22 March 2007 (UTC)

I forgot to post this a few days ago, I've shorten a few paragraphs and removed unnecessary phrases. I do hope the article looks better now. Arfan 17:17, 4 April 2007 (UTC)

Improvements to ice-minus bacteria wanted.

ice-minus bacteria is a genetically altered version of the P. syringae. It has a surface protein producing gene removed. The surface protein is usually used to aid in ice formation, thus "ice-minus" bacteria prevents frost development on plants.

Please help me make this article better!

Quills

Hi there! I've been working on the Quills film article pretty extensively for the last week or so, and as a novice editor, I'd like to make sure I'm on the right track and everything looks and sounds good. Any comments/suggestions/critique would be much appreciated! Here's the article when I started [6] and here it is now [7]. Thank you in advance!

Jeremy Sowers

Reposting request ... I'd really appreciate it if someone would take a look and give me some feedback. My initial request was archived without any comments. Thanks.

First request (from 13 March 2007): I've just posted a complete overhaul of this page. As it's my first WP contribution, I'd appreciate any and all feedback. Before I worked on it, there was virtually no sourcing and a good deal of what I didn't think to be encyclopedic content/language. Here's a link to the diff: http://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Jeremy_Sowers&diff=114682815&oldid=111020744 Thanks in advance. --Sanfranman59 20:10, 1 April 2007 (UTC)

Looks good to me. I'm not intereested in sports at all, so I'm an objective observer. The article appears to be comprehensive. You might consider the use of the "as of" templates to indicate information that is current but that may change in the future. -Arch dude 02:01, 10 April 2007 (UTC)

Thanks for the feedback. I wasn't aware of the "as of" templates. I'll take a look and see how they might be incorporated. --Sanfranman59 19:59, 10 April 2007 (UTC)

The Best Bet

The Best Bet is a Singaporean film about the perils of gambling. I wrote this article on 31 March and have just nominated it for DYK. As the creator of RFF, surely I should benefit from it, by receiving feedback that would help me improve this article, so that the DYK nomination will be successful and the article will receive a B-class rating (and possibly GA status in future)?

Two major concerns:

• Has my prose improved? I Not Stupid's GA nomination failed due to choppy prose.
• In Singapore, we use the term "strike" to refer to a lottery win (whether 4D or TOTO). So we'd say "I hope I strike 4D" or "If my number strikes, I'll give you a treat". Since this term is not used in other countries, I have instead used the words "win" and "[the number] came out", but it sounds just...weird. Should I use the Singaporean term "strike", or stick with terms familiar to international readers?

--J.L.W.S. The Special One 03:17, 4 April 2007 (UTC)

'Strike is used in the USA in a simmilar manner to mean "win" or "find," as in the phrases "strike it rich," "gold strike," and "he struck oil." You might consider a small stub article on this usage of the word strike. Yes, wikipedia is not a dictionary, but this is one of many cases where a small disambiguation article is the best solution to the problem. -Arch dude 02:34, 10 April 2007 (UTC)

Shahbag

At Wikipedia:Peer review/Shahbag it has been advised that a Civic Administration section should be added to the article, as well as information on geography, climate and such. How necessary is that, and how relevant? What other information is largely missing from the article, but needs to be there? I am trying to take the article to FA status. Aditya Kabir 15:56, 4 April 2007 (UTC)

Engines List and Others

Mitsubishi has a couple v8s but I only see one. This is an example of where the engines list are lacking, is there someone who can contribute to this list and other engine list as they are all lacking details for past couple years, well im hoping a Volkswagon engine list will evently be added wich I beleave are made by Audi and alot more details to each engine listed would help aswell.

--Jay173 10:10, 5 April 2007 (UTC)

So there's one V8 missing? Which one? --DeLarge 19:06, 5 April 2007 (UTC)

This one in this article available on the Mitsubishi Raider its a 4.7 liter v8. http://research.cars.com/go/crp/research.jsp?logtype=6&section=summary&aff=freep&call=crp&makeid=34&year=2007&modelid=148 08:39, 6 April 2007 (UTC)

I thought that might be the one you meant. That's a Chrysler (PowerTech) engine; see the wikilinks at Mitsubishi Raider. In fact, the whole truck's a badge engineering job. The powerplants at List of Mitsubishi engines are only those "produced by Mitsubishi Motors", not those bought in from outside manufacturers. VW's 2.0 L turbodiesel in the Mitsubishi Grandis isn't included for the same reason. Regards, --DeLarge 11:38, 6 April 2007 (UTC)

On that note i think the all engine catigorys can be more detailed from now on because they are lacking this.

09:45, 9 April 2007 (UTC)

Renaissance

I recently did a fairly major overhaul of the Renaissance (diff) article's structure, as well as rewriting and referencing several sections (35 refs now, up from 6).

I need to know whether the new structure makes sense, and what more can be done to complete this article. I'm hoping to get it to GA status (at least). Thanks.MAIS-talk-contr 15:15, 5 April 2007 (UTC)

I did some copyedits to make the language a bit crisper. Please review. Overall, I think your changes are a massive improvement. Thanks! -Arch dude 02:53, 9 April 2007 (UTC)

Looked at your copyedits, and agreed on all points - makes the prose that little bit sharper. Thanks! I will continue to try to improve this article.MAIS-talk-contr 16:30, 11 April 2007 (UTC)

Highfield Church

Link to difference page for revisions: [8] Calineed 18:25, 8 April 2007 (UTC)

I added the template fo a UK place, but I botched ti. I think you need to figure out how to refie this. we nnd a more detailed map, and we need the precise geolocatin of the church, but I do not know how to do this. -Arch dude 01:44, 10 April 2007 (UTC)

Thanks for your reply, I don't quite understand about the 'template for a UK place', isn't that just for cities? I don't know how to get a geolocation but I did add a satellite image of the Church. Calineed 18:59, 12 April 2007 (UTC)

Itanium: a merge and complete rewrite

For historical reasons, The articles relating to the Intel Itanium are in a state of complete disarray. The main articles are IA-64, Itanium, and Itanium 2. I have proposed a merger of these articles, and I intend to complete the merger/rewrite on 16 April. My proposed new article is currently at User:Arch dude/Workspace, and I intend to move it to Itanium. Itanium is a really big deal in the computer industry. Is proponents assert that it will eventually dominate an industry that accounts for a significant percentage of the world's economy.

Please comment on the following:

• lead paragraph: If you are not a computer person, does this make sense?
• sales forecast chart: I contributed this to wiki commons, so I can change it. Does it convey the correct information? The intent is to convey the extreme discrepancy between the original published expectations and the current reality, which I believe is central to the Itanium story. Does the chart convey this? Is this actually relevant?
• Architecture: Is there enough context here?
• Relevance: Is it clear that Itanium is important?
• POV: Many in the industry, including me, think that Itanium is an unmidigated disaster. The existing articles include a great deal of PR from the Itanium marketing community. Have I gone too far in the other direction?
• Completeness: have I failed to preserve relevant information from the three "merged" articles?
• Citations: most citations are to the web-based trade press. too many? too few? too biased?

Thanks.-Arch dude 00:29, 9 April 2007 (UTC)

(09:44, 9 April 2007 24.113.110.55) added:

Itanium and itanium 2 are two separate itianium generations of processers.

Yes, they are. However, Itanium is also a brand used universally in the industry to identify both generations and to Identify the entire project and its history. The new article is about the brand, and therefore includes both processor families. Incidentaly, the Itanium 2 family has multiple generations. -Arch dude 15:03, 9 April 2007 (UTC)

Yes I think a combined article would be good. A few suggestions: (1) There are a pair of excedingly long paragraphs in this article. They should be split up for ease of reading. (2) At the other extreme, there are several one-paragraph sections. These should either be merged to shorten the ToC, or expanded with more information. (3) There are several one-sentence paragraphs. Can these be merged or expanded? — RJH (talk) 20:45, 9 April 2007 (UTC)

Thanks. I have edited the proposed article. Please take another look if you have time. I'm not completely sure what you mean by " paragraph", so I made edits to reduce the TOC, split the biggest two true paragraphs, and consolidate the single-sentence paragraphs. Some single-sentence paragraphs are fairly fundamental, however. Do you have an opinion on the timeline?I could not find a way to consolidate it into the rest of the article. -Arch dude 00:55, 10 April 2007 (UTC)

One page could have first genration and then the second generation listed and if theres ever a third it can be listed like that aswell, rather than having to look at two seprate articals and just because they share a similer itanium name doesnt make them even close they just share some of the ia64 instruction set. This is what make the 386,pentium4 and intel core2 totaly diffrent processers for example.

Good article! Very very thorough and I learned a lot that I didn't know although I'm a big hardware geek. A couple of things about the history section: how do you know exactly what HP's goals and actions were when initially developing the architecture? Also, the "sales forecast" graph lacks units for the Y axis... millions of dollars, millions of units sold? Otherwise, so far so good... no other problems except for a few typos. MOXFYRE (contrib) 05:36, 14 April 2007 (UTC)

Thanks four your inputs. My spelling is horrible, so I will re-check, but a few will gte through anyway. HP stated its goals in its "History" paper: I will change the references so thta each reference is exact. Perhaps I can find and use direct quotes. -Arch dude 15:13, 14 April 2007 (UTC)

Cobranet

I recently finished my first wiki article, and would like to make sure that I've done a decent job. The article is Cobranet. I think the intro might be a bit too short, but I'm not positive. Any other comments you might have would be appreciated. Snottywong 23:32, 9 April 2007 (UTC)

Your article looks good already. It is a credit to Wikipedia as it stands. Since I know little about the subject, I represent the "intellegent 12-year-old" to whom the intro should be addressed. In that regard, I think you need to succently address the following questions in the intro:

• Who uses this? (theaters, home sound systems, auditoriums?)
• What competes? (analog, wireless, whatever?)
• Who competes? (technologies, companies?)

Going deeper, you might consider some network diagrams. You can use any tool you are comfortable with to make the diagram, and then upload it to wikicommons. Keep up the good work! -Arch dude 01:19, 10 April 2007 (UTC)

Thanks for the good comments. I'll definitely add that stuff. Snottywong 19:44, 11 April 2007 (UTC)

Frauentausch

Hello!
I am new here, I come from the German Wikipedia and my English is not so good …
Yesterday I created the article Frauentausch. I ask you for reading and correcting the article. I hope that there are not so many mistakes. Thanks for reading and correcting! --Despairing 11:34, 10 April 2007 (UTC)

Aside from the vocab & grammar, the article appears to be crufty - Ideally, the article would only need to highlight what makes the German franchise of Wife Swap unique. There is no need to list every detail of the show's format. - Tiswas^(t/c) 12:44, 17 April 2007 (UTC)

Motherboard (computer hardware component)

I've made some fairly major changes to the motherboard article, in a few different edits over the past couple of days. Specifically, I've added more information on the purpose and function of a motherboard, since the old article barely touched on that at all. I also moved some things into a history section, and tried to flesh out that section by emphasizing the increasing integration of peripheral hardware into modern motherboards.

I often come to wikipedia when I'm trying to understand some kind of computer hardware better. Usually I want to know (a) how it works, (b) how it's an improvement on previous devices, (c) how it's incorporated into practical systems, (d) the principles of its design, and (d) where I can find more information.

I'm still not sure if the motherboard article satisfies these goals. Can any other computer hardware hacker wikipedians give me some feedback? Moxfyre 19:35, 10 April 2007 (UTC)

Ken Noguchi

I wrote this article last month, and it was featured in the "Did you know?" section on the front page, but only one person besides me edited it and that was to pipe a wikilink. I'd like feedback and a review of the page. In particular, I'd like people to check the prose (I sometimes write in a bit of a clumsy manner without realizing it) and the neutrality (I think it's neutral, but the point is whether other people do or not). Do not hesitate to point out formatting or other technical improvements either. Thanks! Leebo ^T/C 18:41, 11 April 2007 (UTC)

Good article! I'm a rock climber and sometime environmentalist myself, so I was quite interested by it. Hadn't ever heard of Noguchi before. I would say the article is NPOV and flows smoothly. The one suggestion I have is that you not duplicate information about Noguchi's birthplace and birthdate, which currently appear in both the intro and the Bio section. I suggest removing that from the intro and leaving it in the Bio section. Moxfyre 15:37, 12 April 2007 (UTC)

Thanks for the feedback! You're right, the duplicated information doesn't read as well as it could if it was well-placed in a single location. I'll look at some other biographies to see how they avoid repeating information in the intro and body. Leebo ^T/C 19:17, 12 April 2007 (UTC)

I combined the intro sentences on his childhood into the Bio section. The customary way on Wikipedia seems to be: list birth/death dates in the intro, and provide other info about childhood in a biographical section. See George Washington or Mustafa Kemal or Bill Clinton, for example. MOXFYRE (contrib) 22:52, 12 April 2007 (UTC)

That makes sense. Thanks for the help. Leebo ^T/C 23:00, 12 April 2007 (UTC)

Sleepytime Trio

I have made an article on the emo band sleepytime trio and would like help, constructive criticism, comment, etc. Doody 09 05:29, 13 April 2007 (UTC)

I think the first place to start would be finding some sources, because the article currently has no citations to allow the reader to verify the information. For instance, the sentence "Many have described Sleepytime Trio's style as..." who are the people describing them this way? How many is many? It's a good start for a music stub, but with some sources, others could help research the band too. If you can find some reviews, interviews, etc., I could help you format them so they appear properly in the article. Leebo ^T/C 02:52, 13 April 2007 (UTC)

United Nations Security Council Resolution 1747

Hello everyone,

I have made some major edits to the above article over the past 2 days, which refers to Iran's nuclear programme.

Could you please tell me:

1. if it is NPOV enough?

2. If You think I have omitted any material fact.

Thanks in advance for your time and feedback.

SSZ 02:48, 15 April 2007 (UTC)

• There seem to be too many one-paragraph sections, making the Table of Contents longer than is needed. Could these be consolidated into fewer sections? Thanks. — RJH (talk) 16:13, 16 April 2007 (UTC)

Thanks for your feedback RJH. I did the change as per your remarks.SSZ 18:22, 16 April 2007 (UTC)

The intro feels a bit long and unwieldy to me. Perhaps some of it could be moved into a section called "Background for current crisis" or something to that effect? Otherwise it's an excellent article, clearly well-sourced and well-researched. In terms of NPOV, I think it's quite good. I might add some quotes of Iranian leaders (such as Ahmadinejad threatening to wipe Israel off the map, or to strike US interests) as explanation of why many western countries believe Iran has aggressive, military goals for its nuclear program. MOXFYRE (contrib) 18:43, 16 April 2007 (UTC)

Thanks for your feedback MOXFYRE. Points well taken. I have removed some background information and placed it at the end of the article in a separate sub-section. I also added some lines to the introduction from Iran and weapons of mass destruction. Also, I grouped the information about Iran and Israel in one new sub-section, and finally, added two extra mentions about the beligerant Iranian rhetoric. SSZ 22:13, 16 April 2007 (UTC)

Kate Bush

Any further recommendations for improvement would be appreciated. Thanks. Epbr123 23:02, 16 April 2007 (UTC)

First ever Creation (Maybach 62S article)

I know this article needs help, and it is probably a stub. How can I make it better? HaLoGuY007 01:29, 17 April 2007 (UTC)

Al Leong

This spans a number of issues, one being style, the other being content. I would appreciate feedback on both the current revision and an attempt to simplify the article (here), to bring it into line with this editor's interpretation of policy and guidelines. - Tiswas^(t/c) 12:28, 17 April 2007 (UTC)

SQL NULL

We just completely rewrote an article stub on SQL Null, and would like to get feedback on it. Any and all feedback appreciated. Particularly we're looking for advice on style, content, citation, NPOV, etc. All the things that make a good article good. ThanksSqlPac 17:45, 17 April 2007 (UTC)