Etiquette in North America

Unlike in cultures with formal class structures, such as those with nobility and royalty, etiquette rules in the United States and Canada are meant to apply to all.

Etiquette rules are not uniform in North America, varying among the very diverse societies which exist in both the United States and Canada. Judith Martin (a.k.a. "Miss Manners") states that even within the United States, "while the principles of good manners are universal, the particular way in which they are expressed, namely the etiquette rules, differ widely from place to place and situation to situation."

Both Canada and the United States share cultural and linguistic heritage originating in Europe, and as such some points of traditional European etiquette apply to both, especially in more formal settings and wherever European culture is strongest.

Among the most prominent writers on North American etiquette are Letitia Baldrige, Judith Martin, Emily Post, Elizabeth Post, Peggy Post, Gertrude Pringle, and Amy Vanderbilt.

Principles

Visitors from other cultures, be they from outside North America, or from a different sub-culture or geographic area within Canada and the U.S., may not know the particular etiquette rules for expressing good manners in a given situation, and leeway is often given to them for that exact reason. However, to become an accepted member of a certain society or group, one "had better learn to practice its etiquette."

Early North American etiquette books claimed that the manners and customs of the "Best Society" could be imitated by all, although some authors lamented that the lower classes, meaning those "whose experience in life has been a hardening process," in fact treated the rules of etiquette with "contempt and ... a sneer." Current etiquette books do not employ the concept of "best society," but rather define etiquette as a set of guidelines that "help steer our behavior as we move through our daily routines" and that can help deal with "the pressures of modern life [which] make it all the more difficult to stay civil." This change is reflected in the content of etiquette books; etiquette books published in the early 20th century contained detailed advice on the treatment of servants, the conducting of formal dinner parties, and the behavior of a debutante; more modern books are likely to emphasize the importance of respecting people of all classes, races, and ethnic backgrounds. Some books make a further distinction between etiquette and manners:

Etiquette is protocol, rules of behavior that you memorize and that rarely bend to encompass individual concerns and needs. Manners embrace socially acceptable behavior, of course, but also much more than that. They are an expression of how you treat others when you care about them, their self-esteem, and their feelings.

This change in emphasis is sometimes seen as reflective of a society that is less interested in formal etiquette; some etiquette writers argue that etiquette rules, rather than being stuffy or classist, can make life more pleasant, while others call for a return to more firm standards, which, however, need not be the old standards: people may replace "courtesies they consider outmoded with modernized ones." Still others focus only on etiquette as an important factor in business success.

Though etiquette rules may seem arbitrary at times, these are the situations in which a common set of accepted customs help to eliminate awkwardness. Etiquette is not always meant to make others feel at ease or comfortable.

Basic rules

• The highest tenet of North American etiquette is that it is inappropriate to tell others they are not following proper etiquette, unless 1) they are specifically asking whether they are being rude, or 2) the person is under your instruction, such as is the case with a parent, babysitter, teacher, or supervisor.
• One should never attempt to preemptively excuse themselves from rudeness. "I don't mean to be rude, but..." is never an appropriate beginning to a conversation. "Pardon me for whispering" does not make the whispering acceptable.
• One may use one's unique cultural differences as a reason to be more gracious, not less. For example, saying "Well, most people in my culture don't send thank you notes" is not considered acceptable.
• When in an extreme situation where someone's rudeness is causing an intolerable issue, one should bring it to the attention of the person in authority, such as a facility's management, or police. If a situation occurs in one's own home, it is appropriate for the host to speak to the person in question (privately if possible), and if necessary one has the option of asking the offending individual to leave, but not to "tell him off."
• Judgments of individuals is a personal matter, and it is not incorrect to hold certain beliefs about people. However, these opinions should remain private and should not be shared with others in polite company.

General standards

These etiquette topics are relevant in both the United States and Canada and pertain to basic interactions in society.

Bodily functions

• One should attempt to suppress yawning in polite company, concealing the mouth with the hand, to avoid appearing bored.

• Blowing one's nose should be done into a tissue or handkerchief, and never while eating. It is preferable to do so, along with habits which should not be done around others, such as nose and ear picking, by excusing oneself and doing so in private.

• It is impolite to burp, cough, or sneeze without covering one's mouth with a handkerchief in front of others.

• Chewing with one's mouth open, slurping or making excessive noise while eating are all considered impolite.

• Passing gas in front of others should be avoided, but when it occurs, no polite party makes any comment, not even "excuse me."

Cultural distinctions and identity

• Etiquette permits North Americans to classify themselves in any racial, cultural, or gender identity, sexual orientation, etc. as they choose, and one should not be asked to justify such choices in a social setting. In non-social settings (professional, for example), these issues are considered completely irrelevant.
• As when encountering any person, it is impolite to assume anything about someone based on the afore-mentioned classifications: language skills, citizenship, nationality or national origin, family history, education, economic status, social abilities, behavior, beliefs, personal habits, etc., nor should one make comments about these traits. For example, it would be incorrect to presume based upon a person's sexual orientation his or her habits or sexual behavior.
• One should avoid initiating or participating in conversations about such questions of identity in polite company. Even referring to people with certain terms may be a faux pas for those unaware of their cultural context. For example, a foreigner calling an African-American a "Negro" could be taken as a racist.

Greetings

• Most westerners greet by shaking hands. Hugs and kisses, though common in some circles, are not considered proper except among very close friends and relatives. Embracing loosely while lightly kissing each other's cheeks is common among French-Canadians.
• If gloves are being worn indoors, they should be removed before shaking hands. This is especially applicable to men.

Hats

• Etiquette considers it impolite for men to wear hats or other head coverings indoors. A hat may be worn in the corridors and elevator of a public building, but the hat should be removed upon entering a room. Men should always remove hats in places of worship, when sitting at a table for a formal meal, and when a national anthem is playing. These rules also apply to women if wearing unisex hats, such as baseball caps, but do not apply to head coverings used due to religious beliefs, such as those worn by Sikhs and many orthodox Jewish men.
• A man is not compelled to remove his hat if suffering from an illness which would cause embarrassment (e.g. a person suffering from hair loss due to cancer therapy).
• Traditionally (until the mid 1960s), most women considered it mandatory to wear a hat when outside of one's home, such as when in public, while visiting others, and especially in houses of worship. When following these traditional etiquette rules, a woman must remove her hat when indoors after dark, and should never wear one in her own home while hosting.

Language

• Correcting pronunciation or finishing another's sentence is inappropriate, unless requested. Asking for clarification or repetition of what was being said is acceptable; however, except in very important conversations, excessive or repeated requests for clarification should be avoided—seek alternative methods to communicate or resolve an interaction with someone.
• It is never appropriate to criticize the accent or lack of proficiency of a speaker. One should always be respectful of others' attempts to communicate.
• In areas of Canada which are primarily French-speaking, it is considered rude to automatically expect service in English, even in urban areas such as Montreal. One should not expect an English-speaking Canadian to know French well, or vice versa. When initiating a discussion, it is polite to attempt to use the native language of one's interlocutor, or to inform the other person of that you cannot do so. Learning a few phrases such as "Excuse me, but I do not speak English. Do you speak French?", or conversely, "Pardon. Je ne parle pas français. Parlez-vous anglais?" demonstrates sincerity.
• The United States has no declared official language. While English is spoken by the vast majority of US citizens, it is not universal. In large neighborhoods of some cities, such as New York, Chicago, Los Angeles, Houston or Miami, and in certain commercial establishments, English is simply not spoken and visitors should be prepared to converse in another language or to be patient with people who have varying abilities in English.

Money

Also see the "Gifts" topic.

• Although common, discussion of personal wealth, possessions and finances socially is impolite. Asking people about their salary is considered very crass.
• In financial transactions, it is usual to place money neatly in the hand of the receiver, unless a counter for this purpose is present. When giving someone a gratuity, it is best to give the money in the most discreet manner the situation allows.

Pointing and gestures

• Pointing is considered rude in the west, and therefore one should not point in public as it may not be clear if one is pointing to another person. If it is clear one is pointing to an object, the gesture is acceptable.
• Pointing is offensive in most Native American/First Nations cultures. Indicating is done with the whole hand instead of a single finger.

Privacy and personal space

• It is considered impolite in either a social or professional setting, especially when first meeting someone, to ask if they are married or dating, their political or religious affiliations or beliefs, their age, weight, or other personal physical matters. People may reveal such information on their own should they so choose. Personal matters should not be brought up except to those with whom one is highly familiar.
• It is appropriate to tell someone that they look well, physically, such as commenting positively on clothing or a haircut. However, one should not state that a person looks well because they appear to have lost weight, as this may be due to a medical problem, and because it implies that the person looked unwell at their previous weight. It is also considered impolite to comment negatively on a person's physical condition, such as telling someone they "look tired" or to ask "Are you okay? You don't look well," unless it appears they genuinely appear seriously ill.
• Westerners typically like to have about an arm's length of personal space and may be very uncomfortable otherwise. In crowded situations less space is tolerated.
• It is considered invasive and rude to touch the abdomen of a pregnant woman unless one is first invited to do so. One should also avoid asking a woman if she is pregnant, especially in a non-social setting, no matter how obvious the matter may be. This condition is a highly personal one and is not the business of others.

Smoking

• One should never start smoking in another's home or car without asking first, including on the grounds outside the home.
• Unless in a restaurant or bar that sells them, it is polite to ask the staff if cigars may be smoked, even in the smoking section, as even many smokers find their odor particularly offensive.
• Smoking within a doorway or close proximity to one is considered rude, as non-smokers will have to walk through smoke to enter or exit the building.
• Littering with ashes, butts, matches, empty lighters and packages on sidewalks, streets, landscaping, parking lots, beaches, etc. is considered rude.

Honorifics and forms of address

• Although it is common in North America to use first names immediately upon meeting strangers (“Hi John–nice to meet you. I’m Clara.”), it is not correct etiquette. When first introduced to someone, etiquette permits only relatives or children to be addressed using first names. Otherwise, one should address another as Mr. or Ms. [Lastname]. It is considered appropriate to ask to be addressed by one’s first name once a friendship is established (“Please call me Shirley now that we are friends.”)
• While professional, academic, religious, military and political titles, such as “Judge”, “Colonel”, “Mayor”, “Reverend”, “Senator”, “Doctor”, “Professor”, etc., are often used in social situations, no offense should be taken by anyone when being referred to with the titles “Mr.”, “Ms.”, “Mrs.” and “Miss” in America, as the United States is in theory an egalitarian society, and other honorifics are not considered higher socially.
• The stand-alone honorifics “sir” (for all gentlemen regardless of age), “miss” (for female children) or “ma'am" (for adult ladies) may be used for a person whose surname is unknown. “Mister” should not be used on its own (as in, “excuse me, Mister”) as it sounds rude or foreign [“Señor” is used as both a title and honorific in Spanish, and the literal translation is often incorrectly assumed to be appropriate in English as well by native Spanish speakers]. “Young lady” or “young man” should only be used to address pre-adolescents, as these terms are usually taken as patronizing.
• “Ms.” is considered the preferable default title to be used in conjunction with any woman’s name regardless of marital status, unless she indicates another preference. Traditionally, the title “Miss” was reserved for use by unmarried women, and “Mrs.” for married women. Various combinations of titles, the woman’s given and family names, and/or those of her husband have become acceptable. Any person’s personal preference should be honored once it is made known.
• There are complicated rules regarding proper usage of political titles in the etiquette-related field known as protocol.

Private life

These etiquette topics are relevant in both the United States and Canada and pertain to social interactions, such as with friends and relatives.

Death and mourning

• First mourning for the immediate family is now considered to be the time between the death and the end of the funeral. During this time, the close relatives should not attend any social engagements, including parties or weddings.
• Dark clothing should be worn when attending a memorial service or funeral. Light-hearted talk is not inappropriate, but joviality is impolite.
• Attendance at a viewing, funeral, memorial service, or wake is the usual method of expressing grief for oneself and to the close relatives of the deceased. In addition, letters of condolence should be sent to the nearest family member(s), and a brief, prearranged visit to the family in the weeks following are appropriate. If attendance at a funeral is not possible due to extreme personal commitments or distance, these additional methods of mourning are even more important.
• Family members may request that no flowers be sent, or that memorial donations may be made to a certain charity in lieu thereof. As the bereaved is not making the request himself, this is not considered inappropriate, as it would be with any other gift-giving situation. Another common and appropriate recognition of mourning to the bereaved's immediate family is food brought by neighbors or more distant relatives.
• During the weeks following a death, family members must send thank you letters in reply to condolence letters, gifts of flowers, food, or donations.
• Sending flowers to Jewish families in mourning may be taken as an inappropriate gesture; fruit is traditional. As the funeral is held within one or two days in the Jewish tradition, the period of first mourning continues for one week thereafter, known as "shiva."

Gifts

Perhaps the single largest cause of etiquette errors in the west is due to the continued rising expectations of gifts. This mentality of entitlement to gifts is completely contrary to basic western etiquette and has led to many etiquette myths and rude behavior. While gifts are common in some situations, they are never to be expected by anyone for any reason. All gifts must be looked upon as unexpected, accepted graciously and enthusiastically, and thanks should be sent promptly.

• Faux Pas: The feeling of entitlement has led to many common though incorrect practices, such as:

Asking for the receipt when receiving a gift,

Giving gift registry information to those who have not asked for it,

Inviting people to wedding showers who will not be invited to the wedding,

Requesting that gifts be "cash only", or preemptively stating "No gifts, please."

Looking upon gifts or offers of gifts as "transferable" or "liquidatable."

Accepting, Rejecting, and Using Gifts

• The correct response to a gift is "Thank you," or "How thoughtful." As gifts are not expected, negative judgments of any sort are inappropriate. The following are incorrect responses:

"I already have one."; "Do you have the receipt?"; "I'd like to return/exchange it for something else."; "It's not really my taste."; "Does it come in a different color?"; "I know someone who could use this."; "I like it because it's from you."

It may be appropriate to suggest you would like to exchange a clothing item for a different size, but more gracious to do so without involving the giver.

• One exception to accepting gifts graciously is when a gift has an expectation associated with it, i.e., strings attached. The classic example is a young woman refusing to accept expensive jewelry from a much older married man. One has no obligation to accept the "gift" of a puppy if one does not want it, as such a gift is a huge commitment and financial burden and can rightly be rejected (politely). Gifts which are meant to be insulting or are highly inappropriate may as well be returned to the giver. For example, giving a leather jacket to someone you know is a stringent vegan or animal rights activist.
• As a gift has no strings attached, the recipient has a right to do what he wishes with it, including disposing of it, selling it, or "regifting." These should be done without the original giver's awareness. Similarly, a giver should never inquire about a gift later, as this may embarrass the recipient.

Expecting and Selecting Gifts

• Gifts are commonly presented to children at birthday parties, and to the honoree at baby showers and wedding showers, such that there is an expectation at these events of gifts from guests. For this reason, these are also the only events where party favors for guests are to be expected, and why relatives should not host showers for which non-relatives will be invited. Past age 10, gifts should not be expected at birthday celebrations.
• When attending a personal or religious event, such as a birthday, wedding, shower, bar mitzvah, etc., one is supposedly sharing the celebration of a rather personal occasion. For this reason, etiquette considers the common gifts of cash, checks, and gift cards improper. One should know the honoree well enough to purchase something you believe he or she will find enjoyable. Donations "in your name" are not acceptable as the gift is not to the person (this does not apply to funerals.) If one does not really know the individual personally, the attendance at the personal event should be reexamined. Cash gifts are acceptable only for a person one supposedly does not know personally, but to whom one still wishes to give a gift, such as an employee, newspaper carrier, doorman, or delivery person.

Thanks for Gifts

see also "Thank You Letters" section

• The recipient must thank the giver promptly for all non-trivial gifts, in writing, as soon as possible after receiving the gift, preferably within two weeks at a maximum. The gift in question should be named in the letter. Wedding gifts are not excepted from this rule, though there are common misconceptions that waiting for matching cards, photographs, or for the ceremony to pass are valid excuses to delay thanking people. (See "Weddings" section.)

Invitations

• Hospitality requires that when extending an invitation as a host, one anticipates and provides for the needs of the invited guests. “Strings” may not be attached to the invitation. Guest responsibilities include dressing appropriately to the occasion, and providing one's own transportation and lodging. As a courtesy, the host may include dress instructions. (See section on weddings for details on standard North American attire). A host cannot expect a guest to pay for part of the event or function, such as a portion of a birthday honoree's meal or gift.

• A person not hosting, but rather making arrangements for a gathering, such as a covered-dish meal (a.k.a. “potluck”), must tell those asked to attend up front what is expected from them. Expected contributions, materials, food, duties, etc. must be made clear when the "invitation" is issued, not after it has been accepted. If a participant is later told funds, goods, or services are expected, it is not impolite for him to reply that he has decided not to attend the function after all, as the original premise of the invitation was altered.

• Generally, etiquette writers consider it incorrect to include any suggestion that gifts are, or even could have been, expected at a hosted event, and therefore no mention of gift registries or other prohibitive or prescriptive statements on an invitation are permitted, such as "Monetary gifts only," or "No gifts, please." If a guest inquires himself, such things may only then be brought up by the host. Only overnight guests are expected to bring a gift for the host.

• An invitation is meant only for the people to whom it is addressed. “Mr. and Mrs. Jones” does not mean “Mr. and Mrs. Jones and any of their relatives they may wish to bring.” If wishing to invite additional family members, the host should not add "... and Family," but instead should be specific rather than have the invitees guess what exactly this means. Individuals may decline or accept invitations extended to multiple persons. For example, a woman may accept an invitation extended to her entire family, even if the husband and children must send regrets (all in the same letter to the host).

• Invitations for mixed social events, such as parties, weddings, etc., must be extended to the established significant others of any invitees, such as spouses, fiancés, or long time or live-in boy/girlfriends. The significant other must be invited by name, and the host should inquire if it is not known. If not living together, the host should inquire as to the partner’s full name and address and send a separate invitation for formal occasions. If a person’s socially established partner has not been invited, etiquette allows him or her to politely request that the host do so. Persons without socially established partners may not request to bring a guest, nor is a host expected to invite singles to bring a date (i.e., “[Invitee] and Guest”).

• When receiving an invitation, one is obliged to respond in kind as soon as possible. This means if receiving the invitation by phone, reply by phone, etc. One must accept or decline even if “”RSVP” is not specified. To not do so is an insult to the host. Accepting an invitation is making a commitment. If one cannot be sure if the obligation can be kept, the invitation should be declined. “Maybe” is not an acceptable response, as it insinuates one would like to accept, but wants to keep his options open in case “something better” comes along. One can never cancel once one has offered or accepted hospitality. Traditionally, the only reasons considered acceptable were 1) illness, 2) death in the immediate family, and 3) an intervening social invitation from the President (in the U.S.). As etiquette no longer applies only to those in high society, an extremely important work obligation which intervenes is also an acceptable reason. In any case of cancellation, notification to the host or guest must be immediate, with profuse apologies.

• Most formally, invitations are hand-written, but for large numbers, such as for weddings, engraved or printed invitations are acceptable, though less formal. Printing is considered less appropriate than "frank and honest" handwriting. Engraved invitations, which are more expensive than printed ones, are shipped with protective tissue paper to prevent wet ink from smudging, but as the ink has dried by the time they are received by the hosts, they should be removed before mailing to guests, and etiquette authorities consider their inclusion to be improper and a form of bragging. Many hosts go so far as to include tissue paper on printed invitations to imitate engraved invitations, even though they serve no practical purpose in this medium.

• Emily Post's Etiquette gives examples of the traditional forms for formal and informal invitations; granddaughter Peggy Post provides updated examples of the forms in Etiquette (17th edition) that take into account non-traditional social relationships.

• Reply cards, with or without postage, may be included with an invitation according to some etiquette writers, though they need not be. However, Judith Martin calls response cards "vulgar", as they imply the guest would not reply without being prompted to do so. She advocates discarding them and replying on one's own stationery, while Peggy Post suggests that guests use them if included, to avoid interfering with the host's card collection system. Some say maps, directions, websites, and other information may be included. Others note that these are not formal aspects of an invitation, and therefore should not be included in formal invitations, and those who accept should instead later be sent the information via informal communication, such as postal mail, phone, or the internet. At-home cards may be included with wedding invitations. Traditionally they announced the bride and groom's new address; they are now more likely to be used to announce the couple's choice of surnames. All etiquette authorities agree that gift registry information may not be sent with any type of invitation, however informal.

Meals

See also American Table Manners

• It is polite to avoid eating before others are ready to begin, and is impolite to eat in front of others outside of a mealtime. Typically all wait for the host to begin. In a situation such as a large banquet table or a restaurant where the servers have failed to bring all food to the table at the same time, it is gracious to insist that others begin eating while their meals are still warm. This is not a proper situation to begin with as all people at a table should be served at the same time, whether in a home or commercial establishment.
• People should excuse themselves from the table when leaving temporarily. The details are not necessary, as one is often going to the restroom, which is not appropriate meal time conversation. "Excuse me, I'll be right back" is fine.
• A guest may simply say, "No, thank you," when offered food he does not wish to eat. Hosts must never press guests to consume food they have turned down.
• Hosts are not expected to cook special meals for guests with dietary restrictions, whether medical, religious or ethical, but should do so for family members. A guest may discreetly inform a host he is rather familiar with or related to that he cannot consume certain dishes, preferably when accepting the invitation.
• It is extremely rude to make comments about food choices while eating (e.g. asking someone who has ordered all vegetarian dishes, "What's wrong with you, don't you eat meat?", a vegetarian asking others, "Don't you think it's cruel to eat animals?", saying to a person keeping kosher, "You just don't know what you're missing with this ham," or asking a diabetic "How can you stand not eating sugar?")

'Thank You' letters

• Thanks may be offered for any situation. A thank you letter is not required for all situations, but is never incorrect if sincere.
• Though pre-printed thank you cards are commonly used, handwritten letters are more personal and proper. In a business context, a typed letter is expected, to be signed by hand.
• Thank you letters are required for all non-trivial gifts, should mention the gift, and must be sent promptly in all cases, usually within two weeks at a maximum (see "Gifts" section for further details regarding funerals and weddings).
• In addition to a thank you letter, a gift may be sent as part of thanking someone. Since a gift is given, this would in turn require another thank you note to be sent. Receiving a thank you note alone however does not require another thank you note in reply, though doing so would not be incorrect.
• If receiving a cash gift, it is polite when thanking the giver to indicate, when possible, what was purchased with it. In situations where the recipient may have been given a large number of cash gifts at once, commonly at many weddings, bar mitzvahs, and first communions, the recipient cannot be expected to go on a shopping spree in sufficient time to send prompt thanks, and it is therefore acceptable to simply thank people for their "generous gift." (Note that while common, cash gifts are usually not appropriate. See the "gifts" section.)

Receiving guests

• When a guest receives an invitation to someone's home, it is common but not necessary for the guest to ask, "Could I bring anything?" If the host declines, the guest should not insist, as this insinuates that the host is unable to provide adequate hospitality, especially for more formal situations such as dinner parties. Hosts accepting such offers should be clear, but not demanding; if one doesn't think the guest will be able to provide the correct item, politely decline the offer.
• It is polite to announce your presence when arriving at an informal occasion, such as a backyard barbecue, or if dropping by unexpectedly, although the latter is a faux pas unless the host has previously indicated that such visits are welcome.
• When visiting someone's home it is not necessary but permissible to bring a gift, such as sweets, a toy for the children, a beverage to be shared, flowers, etc. The purpose of such gifts is recognition of the hospitality, not as a payment for it. However, if one has been received multiple times in another's home, he should reciprocate by inviting the hosts to his home, a restaurant, or another appropriate place.
• Guests wishing to give flowers should consider sending them earlier in the day or the day before a dinner party rather than bring them just as the hostess is busy with last minute dinner preparations. A host might keep a vase with water aside if suspecting flowers will be brought by guests.
• A guest may offer to help a host, and it is more appropriate in more familiar situations. The host should turn down help offered by people he is less familiar with. Judith Martin states: "A good guest offers to help but does not insist if the offer is firmly refused. A good host never requests help and offers mild resistance if it is wanted, but firm resistance if it is not."

Bringing and Serving Food

• Bringing elaborate food items to a meal as a gift, such as roast beef or lasagna, obviously meant to be served immediately, is impolite as it implies that the host may not be providing enjoyable food. Such a dish may be welcome at times, but the guest should inquire in advance.
• As all gifts, including food, should never have expectations attached to them, a host should always feel he is able to put them aside for another time rather than serve them right away. If one insists on bringing food as a host gift, items such as wine, coffee cake, pie, or nuts are appropriate as they can be put aside. The host may reply, "Thank you. I'll look forward to enjoying this."
• Non-related guests should not bring up dietary restrictions unless first asked by the host. If worried there will be little food which one could eat, one should eat something before the visit, or decline the invitation if necessary. Relatives may discuss special dietary needs with the host, preferably when accepting the invitation, not when sitting down to the meal.
• For meals, hosts should not delay the food for more than half an hour past the invited time. Offering appetizers is a must if the meal will be served later. Likewise, guests should not be "fashionably late" when invited for meals. Drinks (water at a minimum) should be offered within ten minutes of a guest's arrival regardless of the time of day or occasion. Hosts should not be expected to hold up meals for tardy guests, especially when other guests are waiting to eat.
• A guest should have the opportunity to say, "No, thank you," before food is put on his plate. If serving food personally rather than passing it around, the polite host first asks, "Would you like some [habanero and tripe goulash, etc.]?" Not doing so might put a guest in the uncomfortable position of having food on his plate which he has no desire to eat, due to his tastes, appetite, or dietary restrictions.

Weddings

See also "Gifts" and "Invitations" sections

Weddings are often an occasion for particular concern about etiquette, and for some the only time when etiquette becomes a concern. In general, etiquette writers state that a wedding should be one more occasion for the exercise of thoughtfulness towards others, and thus a wedding is not, as is often said, "my special day," "her day," or "their day," but an event to be enjoyed by all invited to be present. In keeping with this expectation, etiquette writers make a number of prescriptions regarding the conduct of weddings and wedding planning.

Wedding planning

Etiquette writers agree that the first step in planning a wedding should be selecting the guest list, not deciding on the type of wedding to be held. This is because others' enjoyment of the celebration should be a priority, not one's personal desires or fantasies. Traditionally, "the guest list was divided equally between the bride's and the groom's families and friends, but this is no longer considered necessary."

Likewise, etiquette writers prescribe that the selection of a bridal party should be based on interpersonal closeness to the bride or to the groom. In the past, women were most likely to choose female attendants, and likewise for the groom and males, but "friendship [should be] the chief factor, not gender" in selecting attendants. Each member of the bridal party should stand with the person to whom he or she is closest. Terms such as "man of honor," "bridesmen," "groomswomen," and "best woman" are used when appropriate. A bridal party is not, in Judith Martin's words, a "chorus line," and therefore the bridal party needn't consist of either equal numbers on each side, nor equal numbers of men and women.

• Guests should not be expected to wait for an extended period of time between the ceremony and reception, and should be fed a meal if the reception and/or ceremony is during normal meal times. However, while hosts must supply beverages of some sort, they are considered under no obligation to provide alcohol. Those who do so are obliged to provide neither unlimited nor specific types of alcohol. Cash bars are considered inappropriate by etiquette writers, on the grounds that it is inappropriate to ask guests to pay for anything and because "true hospitality shares what it has. It does not attempt to give what it has not." While commonly seen in reception rooms, a cash bar indicates that the host believes the guests should have access to drinks, but is not willing to pay for them. Judith Martin suggests that if one cannot afford to serve liquor at the reception, "...serve tea or punch. If you can't afford that, serve water. But serve it graciously."

• While in the past it was customary for the bride's parents to pay for the wedding, today, "[t]he days when the bride's parents were expected to bear all the expenses of the wedding and reception are over." In 1922 Emily Post had called it an "unalterable rule" that the wedding be given always by the bride's parents, never by the groom or his parents. Others believe that while this was the custom, it was simply a voluntary gesture of the bride's parents.

Attire

• The bride may wear any color, although since the 19th century first-time brides often choose to wear white. The idea that white signifies some type of purity of the bride's body has long since been abandoned, but the rule that others present should avoid white has not. Although the bride may wear a long gown even for a daytime wedding, the other members of the bridal party and guests traditionally wear attire which depends on the time of day and the announced formality of the occasion (i.e., very formal, formal, or informal). However, etiquette writers recognize that men often wear evening suits for formal daytime weddings if the event extends into the evening, as it is a bit much to expect people unfamiliar with traditional attire to dress more than once. Other forms of dress (i.e. “casual”) have no meaning in etiquette, so hosts choosing another dress code are advised to be specific to the guests. See also Formal wear.

• Men and women in the bridal party should dress to the same level of formality as the bride and groom, but need not wear matching suits, dresses, or colors. While black attire has become common for female wedding party members, not all etiquette writers believe this is a correct selection. Peggy Post writes that "[v]irtually all colors are acceptable today, including black and shades of white." Others, such as Judith Martin, argue that in North American culture "black symbolizes death....[A] great many people are still shocked to see it at weddings, even on guests, because it gives them tragic associations."

Guests and gifts

• While gifts are customarily given, they are not to be expected by the recipient. Guests are under no obligation to spend a particular amount of money - enough to cover the supposed cost of their meal, for example - or to buy a particular gift, from a gift registry, for instance. Authorities differ on when a gift should be given; some say that guests have up to a year to give a gift, while others state that a gift should be given before or as soon after the wedding as possible.

• Guests should not expect to receive party favors. Some authorities consider it improper for hosts to announce that they have made a charitable donation "in lieu of favors" as this is invoking charity as an excuse for sidestepping proper behavior by broadcasting a private matter which would normally not be discussed with others.

• Though common in some circles, asking guests "where their envelope is," wishing wells, and money dances are considered vulgar by North American etiquette authorities, as they are blatant indications that cash gifts are expected from the guests. A wedding party member who is given an envelope by a guest should briefly thank the guest and discreetly put it away. Any guest being asked for such an item should politely state that he or she has already arranged for a gift.

Public interactions

These etiquette topics are relevant in both the United States and Canada and pertain to dealings with people in public.

Doorways

• It is polite to hold a door open (or give it an extra push open) rather than let it slam in the face of someone behind you. If someone opens or holds a door open for you, it is polite to thank them.
• It is polite to step aside and wait for people exiting an elevator car, subway, train, bus, etc. before boarding. If exiting in such a situation and people are blocking your way, a loud and clear "Excuse me, please" is appropriate.

Restaurants

See also Table manners

• As servers should ask diners frequently if diners need anything, it is mildly rude in a formal restaurant to make gestures to request service. Polite North Americans often wait silently for service if the wait staff is breaching etiquette. It is less improper in non-western style and/or informal establishments to contact the waiter by making eye contact, nodding the head, or holding up the index finger. If necessary, "Excuse me..." or, if known, saying the waiter's name is appropriate if said politely. It is preferable to speak to management rather than walk up to a waiter who is ignoring a customer.
• Waitstaff should not offer to place a customer's napkin on his lap. This is not "formal" dining and was never correct etiquette.
• Diners may speak to servers, and should use polite terms such as "please" and "thank you," but need not feel compelled to if engaged in conversation with a fellow diner.

Seating

• If seating is limited in public transportation or waiting areas, it is polite for people in good health to offer their seats to those with special needs, such as the frail, disabled, people with infants, and pregnant women. It is impolite to assume someone is in good health and to ask them to give up a seat, or to chastise them for not having offered. A young person who appears healthy may, for example, have an orthopedic problem and may need the seat more than a healthy 75-year-old.
• Gentlemen are not required to offer their seats to women (other than those with special needs) as that practice may be considered sexist, and appear flirtatious.
• When enough seats are available (such as at a movie theater, uncrowded bus, park bench, or waiting room), strangers should sit at least one seat apart.
• In a formal social setting, gentlemen should stand when a female approaches a table to sit, or excuses herself from it. This is not necessary at a very large table in which not all people are involved in the same conversation, at informal meals, and should be avoided in professional settings.

Tipping (gratuities)

• Tipping is done only by the host of a party. Guests should never leave tips as this breaches the host's hospitality. This applies to bar service at weddings and any other party where one is a guest as well. The host should provide appropriate tips to workers at the end of the event.
• In the past, it was considered insulting to offer tips to the owner of an establishment, but this practice has mostly vanished.
• Many restaurant servers in the U.S. and Canada receive the majority of their income from tips and the customary gratuity is between 15% and 20% of the non-tax total of the bill. For further details on tipping standards in North America, see "Tipping" article.
• If one receives very poor food service, it is best to speak to the management so that the problem may be resolved. It is permissible in an extreme situation to not tip. Insulting the waiter by leaving a penny on the table as the "tip" is rude and does nothing to address the poor service.

Worker interactions

• Workers such as waiters, store employees, receptionists, and government employees, should be spoken to with civilities such as "please" and "thank you." An arrogant attitude, such as one used in dealing with servants generations ago, is not acceptable. Snapping fingers, calling out loudly, waving money, or whistling for an employee's attention are unacceptable. Rather, one may say, "Excuse me," or wave after making eye contact.
• Civilities by clerks are sometimes used so effusively that they can lose their sincerity or desired effect. Such terms as "Thank you very much" should be used only when sincerely meant, rather than out of habit. Less frequent usage of such civilities in the eastern U.S., for example, may cause employees to seem brusque to customers from the midwest, while profuse but less than ecstatic such civilities may seem insincere to those visiting the midwest from the east, or Canada.
• While clerks and customers often address each other with terms such as: hon, dear, sweetie, darling, doll, honey, etc. (particularly in the American South), these are not proper forms of address and appear patronizing, condescending, and unprofessional to many. Proper terms are "Sir" or "Ma'am," or, if the name is known, Mr./Mrs./Miss/Ms. [Lastname].

See also

• Etiquette in Africa
• Etiquette in Asia
• Etiquette in Australia and New Zealand
• Etiquette in Europe
• Etiquette in Latin America
• Etiquette in the Middle East
• Worldwide etiquette