Wikipedia:Peer review/Billie Jean/archive1

Billie Jean

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A script has been used to generate a semi-automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style; it can be found on the automated peer review page for March 2009.

This peer review discussion has been closed.
I'm hoping to take this article to Featured Status and feel that a peer review is needed first. I welcome a thorough review to iron out any problems this article may have.

Thanks, Pyrrhus16 11:50, 7 March 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Comments from Ealdgyth (talk · contribs)

You said you wanted to know what to work on before taking to FAC, so I looked at the sourcing and referencing with that in mind. I reviewed the article's sources as I would at FAC.
Per the MOS, link titles in the references shouldn't be in all capitals, even when they are in the original.

Hope this helps. Please note that I don't watchlist Peer Reviews I've done. If you have a question about something, you'll have to drop a note on my talk page to get my attention. (My watchlist is already WAY too long, adding peer reviews would make things much worse.) 21:44, 7 March 2009 (UTC)

Done, cheers. Pyrrhus16 15:21, 14 March 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Comments from Laser brain

Wow, great work on this! You clearly did a lot of research and a lot of great information is presented here. Below I list some individual issues and a couple problem areas that should be addressed before considering FAC. I would strongly recommend getting a fresh copyeditor to go through it as well and smooth out any remaining prose issues once you make these fixes.

I think the fair use rationales for the video still and the moonwalk photo are somewhat weak; these may give you trouble at FAC. Remember, the image has to be the subject of critical commentary in the article and the fair use rationale should make a strong statement to that effect. You might need more than the short text you have there now.
"Originally disliked by Jones, the track was almost removed from the album after he and Jackson fell out." This doesn't provide any context. The reader will not have the background information to understand this. It might be better to say, "after he and Jackson had a falling out"
"The dance-pop R&B song was mixed 91 times by Bruce Swedien before the final product was decided upon, and showcased Jackson's vocal range." These are a little too unrelated to share a sentence.. consider splitting them up.
"... the song and music video propelled the sales of Thriller, becoming the best-selling album of all time." As written, the song became the best-selling album of all time. Requires revision for clarity.
The third paragraph is a bit sensational in its language. We need to find ways to underscore the importance of this song without sounding like Michael Jackson fans, if that makes sense.
"Covered and sampled by modern artists, including a 2008 remix by Kanye West ..." Needs revision.. as written, "remix" is an example of a "modern artist". Could be corrected and simplified by writing just "including Kanye West"
"Due to the stress, the singer suffered from nightmares." The stress of receiving all the letters? Can we explain a bit more about how he went from ignoring the letters to being stressed about it? Didn't he have people filtering his mail for him?
"To his mother's dismay, Jackson had the photograph framed and hung above the dining room table." At Jackson's own house? Or did he live with his family?
I think "metal asylum" may not be the correct term. I think you want "psychiatric hospital" since the link redirects there.
"With his female fan in mind, Jackson wrote "Billie Jean", and Jackson later stated ..." You can probably drop the latter "Jackson".
Attention is needed to punctuation in quotations; please see Wikipedia:Mos#Quotation_marks. The ending punctuation should be inside the quote if it is part of the sentence. Otherwise, it should be outside.
"... and didn't care for the song's bass." Need more clarity here. The song's "bass" won't mean the same thing to all people. Bass line? Amount of bass in the mix? Etc.
"Jones granted neither and the two fell out for a period of time." We can be more precise than "a period of time".
"The mixer was also told ..." The "mixer" usually refers to the piece of equipment. I'd prefer that you use his name or refer to him as an "audio engineer".
"It opens with a drum beat; kick, snare and hi-hat, containing hardly any reverberation." This is an incorrect use of semicolon. You've done it more than once in the article. A semicolon indicates the start of a related sentence, so the content after the semicolon should be a complete sentence. You probably want a colon here. Please check for this throughout.
"This is followed by a repetitive three-note synth, played staccato with a deep reverb." Avoid beginning sentences with "This", referring to a previous concept. Restate the concept (i.e. "This <noun> is ...")
"The defining 1m-2m-flat-3-2m" What does this mean? 1m?
"In the verses of "Billie Jean", the singer's vocals range from a tenor to a low falsetto." You've just explained that Jackson writes songs to showcase his range and then said "Billie Jean" does not cover his range; however, you give no reason for this disparity.
"The chorus is tied to a four note falsetto and only in the last line does Jackson peak at a full octave." This doesn't make a lot of sense.. how is the chorus "tied to" a falsetto? Peak at a full octave relative to what?
"Following the two sharp repeats of 'do think twice', at the end of the third verse, a cello-like synth cuts the chords of the fourth verse. Upon hearing that the baby's eyes resembles Jackson's, a voice laments, 'oh no'. This is met with Jackson's signature falsetto 'hee hee'." Perhaps too much detail. Attention needed to capitalization and punctuation of quotations.
"The bridge debuts the strings, holding a pedal tone with the exception of two lines and a chord leading into the chorus." Strings can't produce pedal tones, so I'm not sure what this means; the rest of the sentence doesn't make sense at all.
The whole Composition section doesn't seem to have been written with a keen understanding of the musical concepts. As such, most of the meaning has been lost through paraphrasing and incorrect terminology. Someone who understands the musical concepts being discussed needs to audit the text against the sources used.
"December 1, 1982, saw the commercially successful release of Thriller, in time for Christmas shoppers." Please revise to remove the anthropomorphism. The ending clause is quite culture-exclusive.
"The short film for Jackson's 'Billie Jean' is considered the video that brought MTV, a relatively unknown music channel, to mainstream attention." What is the source for this? I've read many opposing opinions of this statement and you'll need a reliable source other than a Jackson biography.
"It was the first video by a black artist to be aired by the channel, as they felt black music wasn't "rock" enough." Ditto above. Need a better source.
"Wearing a black leather suit with pink shirt and bow tie, Jackson's look was copied by children around the country." Badly written. Perhaps, "Jackson's look, a black leather suit with a pink shirt and bow tie, was copied by children around the country." Also, what country? I never saw a kid dressed like that.
"The imitation was so severe that Bound Brook High School banned pupils from wearing single white gloves; this was met with pupil protests." You didn't mention a white glove previously. And why is this example relevant to the article? Also, another "this" problem similar to above.
"MTV initially refused to play "Billie Jean" as they felt black music wasn't "rock" enough." You've already used almost this exact sentence above.
"March 25, 1983, saw Jackson ..." More anthropomorphism.

--Laser brain (talk) 22:52, 14 March 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Cheers for the review. Mostly all done now. Pyrrhus16 17:15, 23 March 2009 (UTC)[reply]