Frank Burns (M*A*S*H)

For other people named Frank Burns, see Frank Burns (disambiguation).

Major Franklin Delano Marion "Frank" Burns (also known as "Ferret Face") is a fictional character in the M*A*S*H film and television series. Burns first appeared in the original M*A*S*H novel by Richard Hooker, where he had the rank of captain. The character was then portrayed in the film by Robert Duvall, and in the television series by Larry Linville.

The character is only slightly different in all versions; the original Burns was a borderline incompetent and egotistical doctor who blamed others for his own shortcomings (a trait also shared by both his film and television portrayals). In the film he is also a brooding religious fanatic, and on television he was an officious, frenetic, pompous twit obsessed with military order.

Novel

In the original novel, Captain Burns is described as a well-off doctor who had attended medical school but had no true formal training as a surgeon other than a long apprenticeship with his father in Indiana. He maintains a dismissive attitude toward those colleaugues (such as the Swampmen) who went through the rigors and demands of a residency for their training. However, his belief in his own superiority masks serious shortcomings in his surgical abilities, which he invariably dismisses as the failures of others involved in the patients' care. When one of Burns' patients dies, "it's either (1) God's will or (2) somebody else's fault" (Hooker, p. 43). This practice comes to a head when he unjustly accuses rookie orderly Private Boone of killing a patient of his. Young Boone is emotionally crushed and an infuriated Duke, who witnesses the scene, walks with Frank to the privacy of the sluice where he delivers a nose-breaking punch and knee to the stomach. A short time later, Trapper assaults Frank after Frank's arrogance and incompetence almost costs a soldier his life. The concern of the surgeons on Frank's team regarding Frank's incompetence causes Blake to nominate Captain B.F. 'Hawkeye' Pierce as Chief Surgeon.

Later, after Burns and Houlihan commence a sexual affair, the Swampmen latch onto it, giving Houlihan the nickname of "Hot Lips". One night in a room just off the OR, Hawkeye makes some ribald comments about the relationship. Burns, having reached the limit of his patience, hurls a coffeemaker at Hawkeye, just as Blake walks in. The next day, Burns is sent away for psychiatric evaluation, leading Duke to remark: "Henry, if I get into Hot Lips and jump Hawkeye Pierce, can I go home, too?" (Hooker, p. 49).

Movie

In the movie and in the subsequent TV series, Frank Burns' rank has been increased to that of Major, presumably for dramatic and story conflict and to replace the book's Major Hobson who was the resident religious zealot in the novel, but possibly also to facilitate the pun "Major Burns". He is portrayed as a very religious man who prays for all the souls to be saved, but is still not much of a doctor. He also is a firm believer in military discipline who dislikes the undisciplined manner of both Hawkeye Pierce and Trapper John McIntyre. He also has a tendency to blame others for his mistakes; for example, when he orders a medical device for a man already dead, he blames an orderly he asked to get the device, causing the man to break down crying. This leads to McIntyre punching him and to Duke's comment that, when somebody dies around Frank, "It's either God's will or somebody else's fault."

When the new head nurse, Major Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan arrives, the pair soon fall for each other. In the film version (unlike the novel) it is only Henry Blake who calls her O'Houlihan. All of the other characters refer to her as "Major Houlihan". This was a mistake on the actor's (Roger Bowen as Lt. Col. Henry Blake) part. But Altman decided to leave this in the film to further show just how befuddled Blake really was. Later, when Burns and Houlihan meet in her tent to dictate a letter condemning Hawkeye, Trapper, and Duke, they soon begin having sex. What neither of them know is that a microphone has been planted underneath Houlihan's bed by Radar (Corporal O'Reilly). Every sound the pair make during sex is heard in the clerk's office (including Houlihan's insistence that Burns kiss her "hot lips", resulting in her legendary nickname). Soon Trapper decides that this has to be shared with the rest of the camp, and he puts Burns and Houlihan on the PA.

The next morning, Burns gets into a fight with Hawkeye when the latter asks Burns how Houlihan was in bed, demonstrating noises. As a result, Burns attacks Hawkeye physically (with Trapper adding fuel to the fire by warning Hawkeye to watch his privates because Burns is a sex maniac), and is sent to a psychiatric hospital in a straitjacket. This is the last the audience sees of him in the movie.

It should be noted that the film's Major Burns was a combination of two characters from the novel—-the small-minded twit Captain Burns (who had a liaison with Major Houlihan, as in the film, but did not live in The Swamp [he was moved out a week after Hawkeye and Duke arrived after they complained to Henry Blake]) and the religious fanatic Major Hobson (whom Hawkeye and Duke had ousted from The Swamp because of his obsessive praying).

Television series

In the television series, Major Frank Burns was played by actor Larry Linville. According to Burt Metcalfe, Linville was an extraordinary actor whose personality could not be anything else than diametrically opposite of that of Frank Burns. (Reportedly, Linville could also be high-strung, and this trait played into his TV character.) Linville based his portrayal of Burns on "every idiot I've ever known", even referring to the character as a man with "a mind that stripped its gears".

While the TV Burns would appeal occasionally to religious and moral values (typically in the process of showing himself up), the emphasis in story lines was more on his surgical and personality shortcomings, than on his sanctimony. Burns' unpopularity with most of the show's other characters can be ascertained by his nickname, "Ferret Face" (which was originally given to him by his brother, as revealed in episode 1.18, and was apparently wide spread even people who only met Burns in passing would develop this nickname for him). When he failed to get his own way, or one of his schemes to discredit Hawkeye would fail, he would go off somewhere and sulk, or would throw a temper tantrum.

Personal life

Relationship with Major Houlihan

At the beginning of the series, Burns and Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan are a couple, and their romance scenes were played in a way that could be described as a soap opera parody, with the main jokes being excessive sentimentality, sappy nicknames ("Oh, Margaret, you're my snug harbor — I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have you to sail into,"), and casual references to Frank's wife, Louise (whom he is said to have only married for her money, and as featured in 3.10, Louise isn't very attractive).

Frank and Margaret often went to great pains to ensure that no one knew about their trysts, but as Hawkeye noted in episode 1.12, "the only one over here who doesn't know about their affair is General MacArthur's pipe stuffer". Frank, usually thinking only of his own welfare, was willing to go to further extremes to keep the relationship secret no matter what. For example, in episode 4.3, Margaret, after seeing Frank tear up one of her love notes to him (he said he tore them all up), reveals that she has saved everything he's ever written her. While Margaret is on duty in Post-Op, Frank, fearing that someone else would get to Margaret's belongings before he could if she were to be killed, goes over and trashes Margaret's tent in an unsuccessful attempt to retrieve the notes he wrote her.

Margaret is not Frank's first extramarital affair; he also he also had an ongoing affair with his receptionist (4.21). After Margaret's engagement (5.2), Frank suggests to Hawkeye and B.J. that they all go to "Rosie's Bar" for a "little action", and also tries his hardest to get Margaret back. A running gag is Frank's greed for money; in one episode after doing well in the stock market he claims to Houlihan that he can't divorce his wife and marry Houlihan since he's not rich enough to afford a new wife and an ex-wife, though in another episode he has an expansive house; cars, a yacht and a country club membership; another episode has Frank {under delirium} revealing that he cheats on his Income tax and has a prescription kickback racket.

It is hinted at beginning in the second season that Margaret is not really happy with Frank and, deep down, she realizes he's not the man they both like to think he is, but she clings to him anyway not only because of their common contempt of Hawkeye and Trapper, but also because Frank is the only other person in the camp who shares her view that strict discipline is the only discipline, though even at her worst she showed more humanity than Frank. Though Frank is hopelessly in love with Margaret, he is unwilling to divorce his wife; when it was discovered that Louise had heard of the affair and tried to get a divorce, Frank lied about Margaret's beauty and the whole affair to get the divorce called off. (He called her, among other things, "an old war-horse" and "an army mule with bosoms." with the livid Margaret in return calling Frank a "chinless chipmunk" and earned him a chair being thrown at him). This puzzled Radar, who thought Frank would have been happy to leave his wife and marry Margaret, but as Hawkeye noted, Frank did not want to leave "his mommy." (The home and stocks are in his wife's name, hence his lies, but Houlihan doesn't believe it.)

In episode 5.2, Houlihan returns from R&R in Seoul announcing that she is engaged to Lt. Col. Donald Penobscott. Frank's behavior was very erratic, and Margaret unwittingly fuels it up with her incessant praise of Penobscott in Frank's presence. It was also one of the few moments in the series where Hawkeye felt sorry for Burns; while it was the period when Pierce started getting on good terms with Margaret, he still felt that Frank was within his rights to be malicious to her. In the final scene of episode 5.2, Burns played a verbal joke on Houlihan in the Mess Tent, stating he intended to ask out a nurse whom Houlihan declared was a "little young" leading Frank to declare "it'll be nice to get some youth", which left her visibly shocked. After stating "Got her there, didn't I?", B.J. admitted it was a clear shot and moments later, the three had a big laugh, which appeared to be sincere.

Relationship with others

Outwardly, Burns is a firm believer in discipline and unwavering patriotism (he keeps a photograph of Joseph McCarthy in his tent, which Hawkeye wrote underneath, "Know your Enema"), and hates the fact that Pierce and McIntyre are so laid back. But despite his admonitions to others, he feels that his rank gives him privilege to do as he pleases behind closed doors. He is also noticeably xenophobic and paranoid of Koreans and Chinese alike, sure that they understand English whether they really do or not, even going as far as assaulting a South Korean General calling him "communist" when he heard the General speaking in Korean. He even refers to native Koreans as "foreigners", despite the fact that he is the foreigner in their country.

Frank is also known for his numerous malapropisms, for saying things that are twisted around onto themselves, or just simply make no sense at all. For example, in episode 4.24 "The Interview", Burns stated on camera that he felt that "marriage is the 'headstone' (sic) of society".

While often portrayed as being completely unbearable in the series, on select occasions Burns showed signs of humanity. He was very sensitive to his Swampmates' defeated comments about "being a friend once" after he declined doing something. Also, after Pierce and McIntyre foiled one of his schemes, after being offered a coffee, he asks the two why he can't get mad at them. In one episode ("Germ Warfare), he was forced to rest in post-op because of anemia, after McIntyre and Pierce stole some blood from him in his sleep to save a patient. Frank played checkers with that patient, and also was flattered after Hawkeye and Trapper gave him flowers (although he threw them away after being insulted).

Perhaps the two most visible examples of Frank's humanity were associated with Margaret. In one episode, when Margaret was absent in Tokyo, Col. Potter asked Pierce and B.J. to ease up on Burns and to make friends with him, as it was impossible to live with him for a while. They invited him to a poker game, in which Frank got drunk on their homemade booze and won a lot of money without having any practice in the game before. After the game, he called his Swampmates friends in the bar and hugged them, also asking Nurse Kellye for a dance, though he was still extremely drunk. The attempt of making friends with Burns eventually backfired; after taking a passed-out Frank back to the Swamp, B.J. tied a tag to Frank's toe saying "Emotionally Exhausted and Morally Bankrupt". Late that night Frank, not yet sober, fell into an ambulance and was driven to a medical outpost that was under attack, the driver being unaware of his passenger. Sober by daybreak, Frank was nice to his mates, but B.J. and Hawkeye were too angry with Burns as they both had to drive up to the outpost to get him, and just moments after returning to camp they had to go on duty.

In 5.22, Frank is shown to have bought a Korean National Art Treasure (a priceless 800-year-old vase) on the Black Market, which he attempted to smuggle to his wife in Fort Wayne; but Hawkeye and B.J. put a stop to that, by replacing the vase with a worthless bedpan. Despite the fact that he detests enlisted men, several episodes seem to point to Burns as having elements of trust in, if not concern for, Radar. He is also quite simple-minded: when Trapper's friend (2.24), an Army Intelligence officer, is working undercover as an engineering officer, Frank very willingly accepts the man's far-fetched story that the US Army Corps of Engineers is attempting to make MASH hospitals amphibious.

In 4.21, he refuses to believe the fact that Sergeant Zale lost money gambling ($300 to Radar), on the grounds that gambling has been prohibited (refusing to consider it could go on behind his back), so he concludes that the "missing" money must have been stolen. Even at home he is a klutz; while serving as a Scoutmaster, he accidentally set fire to himself.

It is sometimes thought that Frank wants to be friends with Hawkeye, Trapper, and later B.J., but is unable to do so because they don't like him. When Hawkeye and Trapper once tried to distract Frank in order to keep him from using an anti-aircraft gun against "5 O'Clock Charlie" (an incompetent Chinese fighter pilot who would attempt to drop a grenade on the camp's ammunition dump every day at 5 o'clock) by asking for assistance, Frank says they should do it more often, but soon realizes he was tricked. Another instance is when a patient of Hawkeye's keeps getting worse is reopened to check for any missed shrapnel, (it was discovered that a piece was hidden by the sigmoid colon) Frank admitted that anyone could have missed it, to which Hawkeye thanked him.

As a surgeon

Burns is portrayed as a barely passable surgeon; throughout the series it is stated that he only became a doctor to please his beloved mother, and/or for the money (more than a few episodes spotlight Frank's seemingly insatiable greed, making it a driving factor in his personality). He admits in different episodes that it took him twice as long to graduate medical school (having flunked out of two), and only passed his first year by buying the answers to a final exam. He stayed in medical school hoping to cure the acne that plagued him beyond his teen years, and would have settled for becoming a male nurse if he'd been able to master folding hospital corners in bedsheets. Frank's quality as a surgeon however seemed to deteriorate as the series progressed. In early episodes, Henry referred to Frank as,"a fine surgeon", who was only bettered by Hawkeye because Alan Alda's character handled pressure better. (He was also portrayed as often genuinely caring, especially about children, but this trait disappeared.) Later after Frank's behaviour became worse he was still regarded as a fair but competent surgeon by Henry. It is inconceivable that incompetence to the degree other characters suggest would be tolerated in a MASH and it is likely that Frank's skills are merely inferior when compared to the brilliant surgeons around him. This is supported when Pierce and BJ try to console Burns after Margaret leaves him, telling him he did good work that day in the O.R. Frank's surgical skills also seem to deteriorate when under immense pressure in comparison to the other doctors. Nevertheless, the 4077th is frequently referred to as having a high survival rate (97%) and as Frank is one of only four doctors at this unit, it would seem impossible to have such a high survival rate if one-fourth of the staff was hopelessly incompetent. What is more likely is that Frank is actually a highly skilled surgeon who is so intensely disliked by the other characters that they use every opportunity to humiliate him, including impugning his surgical competence. It is also possible that given Burns' lack of real surgical training and experience, he is handed less complicated cases. This was confirmed by Major Houlihan in episode 5x11, The Colonel's Horse, when she says that Burns handles the less complicated cases but does not want him removing her bad appendix.

Burns' bungling in surgery has led to more than one headache, it is suggested that only the intervention of other doctors has averted the death of his patients in some instances. His inefficient surgical skills are a constant source of humor throughout the series, even after he left.

• In the pilot episode, when Frank is chastising Hawkeye for his behavior in the operating room, Hawkeye counters that Frank must be tired after "all that malpractice" he put in.
• In a later episode, when Hot Lips threatens to file a formal complaint about Hawkeye (who publicly insulted Frank), Hawkeye retorts that he'll file a countercomplaint about Frank "impersonating a doctor and masquerading as a human being!".
• In an episode where Hawkeye is facing a review board for having supposedly committed mutiny while Burns was in command, he is asked whether the alleged mutiny occurred after questioning Burns' medical skills; Hawkeye responds that no mutiny took place and that it's Burns' medical skills that are alleged.
• In one episode, it is revealed that a soldier operated on by Burns developed complications because Burns had not bothered to exteriorize the colon after removing a portion of the organ. This soldier required emergency surgery in Tokyo, Japan after developing peritonitis.
• In an episode where Hawkeye is blinded and bedridden, he calls out for a doctor to help another patient in Post-Op. When Burns arrives Hawkeye says: "Oh, Frank, I'm glad you're here. Go get a doctor." In that same episode, Frank blows off rebandaging a patient's arm so he can take a break. When Hawkeye finds out, he angrily says "Burns, I swear, I'm a better doctor blind than you are with both eyes."
• In an episode where a nurse correctly challenged something Frank said, Hot Lips chided her, "Preston, don't contradict the doctors.". "Or Frank.", Hawkeye jokingly added. In the same scene the nurse backtalks Frank, with a "listen, Mister", to which he and Houlihan take offense. A while later Hawkeye joked, "He may be a lot of things, but he's no mister."
• In the next-to-last episode when the 4077th buries a time capsule, Frank's replacement Major Winchester points out that they did not include any mementos from the "infamous Major Burns", and Hawkeye replies, "I thought about putting in Frank's scalpel, but I didn't want to include any deadly weapons." It was the last mention of Frank ever, with Hawkeye capping it off with one final insult of his long-gone former Swampmate.
• In one episode, Hawkeye, Trapper, and others were in Henry's office watching an old movie of Frank's wedding, without Frank's knowledge. At one point in the movie, Frank was about to cut the wedding cake. When seeing this, Trapper quips, "Even then he didn't know how to hold a knife!" Hawkeye adds, "Watch the cake die of malpractice!"
• In the Season 4 episode "Dear Peggy", Frank was operating on a patient known as Private Davis. But when he has no pulse, Frank immediately gives up (to which B.J. defied him and "revived" Davis by performing CPR). Later, they operate on him again. Father Mulcahy asks if he'll make it, to which Hawkeye responds, " We could get bombed, there could be an earthquake, or Frank could operate on him again." Frank calls Hawkeye a twerp. Hawkeye turns around and points to a group of Koreans (who were learning English to become wards) and they say, "You tell him, Ferret face."
• In "The Trial of Henry Blake" Frank places Hawkeye and Trapper under arrest to prevent them from bringing Meg Cratty to Henry's trial to tell the truth about the charges on Henry of giving aid and comfort to the enemy. As they sit in the Swamp, which has been cleaned out and has had the still removed, in nothing but their boxers, Hawkeye comments to Trapper asking "How long does he think we can last on just food and water," to which Trapper replies "he's a doctor. That's what kills me." Hawkeye then responds with "His patients have the same problem."
• In several episodes, Burns is referred to as a "horse doctor." For example, in the episode "Deal Me Out," Frank returned to the Swamp during "the conference," which was an all night poker game, and told everyone about the CID man whose chopper had crashed, and being a CID agent, Burns could not put the man under unless another CID agent was present, per regulations. When Trapper and Hawkeye challenged him on the matter, Burns stated he had given him two units and that the man's condition should now be stable, to which Trapper said "being a horse doctor, you'd know that!"
• In "Carry On, Hawkeye" the entire camp falls ill to the flu, but wounded kept coming in. It comes down to Hawkeye and Burns left at the operating tables. While working on a patient, Frank finally falls ill to the flu, fainting in the process. Upon seeing this, Hawkeye takes a shot at Frank's mediocre medical skills by saying Frank is "saving lives, at last."
• In a different episode, during a lengthy operating session, Frank asks everyone to cut the chatter as he is "doing something difficult," referring to his operation. Hawkeye replies to Frank with "trying to tie your shoes again, Frank?" This is meant perhaps as a general shot at Burns competence and not necessarily at his medical skills.
• In the episode "As You Were," Frank and Margaret discuss having Hawkeye and Trapper operate on Frank to fix his hernia. When Frank objected to Margaret's idea, she assured him that despite their antics and behaviour, they were two of the best doctors she'd ever seen. This caused Frank to ask her how she would rate him as a surgeon, to which Margaret replied "Frank, aren't you in enough pain?"
• During an episode in which Potter asked Hawkeye and BJ to try to be friends with Frank in an effort to get him to calm down while Margaret was on leave, the three of them went out and got drunk, and after Frank passed out, Hawkeye and BJ put a toe tag on him inscribed "emotionally exhausted" and "morally bankrupt." Frank went out to the latrine later that night, still drunk, and collapsed into the back of an ambulance heading for an aid station near the front. Hawkeye and BJ were sent out to retrieve him only to help out with wounded soldiers while Frank was still asleep. When BJ asked if they should wake up Frank so he can help, Hawkeye replied to let him sleep because "as a doctor he's hitting his peak."
• In the episode "Deal Me Out," two other instances of Frank's poor medical skill are made known: the first is when Captain Halloran is interrogating the group in the Swamp about the operation of the CID man. When Henry asked if they really violated regulations by operating without another CID officer present, Hawkeye stated "he was bleeding, Henry, and Frank here, who studied medicine under General Rommel, was too chicken to operate." He continued on stating Frank was worried that while he was under the patient would "give away Harry Truman's hat size." The other instance was when Frank was being held hostage by Private Carter (John Ritter) in the shower, Major Freedman tried to calm him down and assured the distrought soldier that Frank was "One of the best in the business, a terrific doctor, and a great human being." Upon hearing this, Henry thought Fr. Mulcahy would be useful in this situation, to which Hawkeye responded that he could "give the truth the last rights."

Burns' incompetence is also readily apparent to the enlisted men. In an episode where Hawkeye and Trapper arrange for an illegal nose-job for a depressed soldier, they stage an injury to Radar to justify the presence of a plastic surgeon in the camp. Hours later, Burns sees Radar without bandages on his nose, and asks how a broken nose could have healed so quickly. Radar quickly says that it was only sprained and so he was advised to stay off it for a few days. Burns responds: "I'm a doctor, and that's crazy!" to which Radar responds "I've heard that, Sir."

Even the Korean doctors (North and South alike) are aware of Burns's ineptitude. In one such case, Burns is kidnapped by two North Koreans in disguise who plan to use him as a cover to get through a series of checkpoints. However, fed up with their captive's apparent incompetence, they order him out of the jeep as soon as they pass through, telling him, "Go back to your unit. It's the best thing you can do for OUR side!"

During an inquiry (in "Novacaine Mutiny"), Burns quizzes a military lawyer about his service record, and is told, "If you hadn't been drafted as a doctor, you'd probably have been assigned as a pastry chef." (Yet Frank's culinary talents are also suspect; he once was injured in his eye during a sniper attack while trying to crack an egg, an episode he passed off as an injury from "shell fragments" when putting in for a Purple Heart.)

In "The Interview", Clete Roberts asks Frank if he'd ever give up medicine. Frank replies, "A lot of people think I could be more useful if I did."

During a particularly dense session of surgery, Burns's slow pace is pointed out and he exclaims, "It's hard work taking out a man's kidney!." Trapper immediately rushes over to the X-Ray of Burn's patient and tells him, "Frank, He's only got one kidney!."

As a soldier

With military weapons, Frank has been shown to be inept. In an early episode, during a poker game he shoots a lamp with a .45 automatic pistol, and in a later episode he runs over Colonel Potter's jeep with a Sherman tank (4.5). In 4.13, Frank steals an old fashioned .45 cavalry pistol and then shoots himself in the foot trying to return it to the weapons bin. In 5.6, when Houlihan is "missing", Burns accidentally shoots B.J. Hunnicutt and causes a flesh wound in his leg, this earned him the epithet, Hop-A-Long Ferret Face. In 2.2 Frank managed to destroy a large ammo dump stationed near the M.A.S.H with an anti-aircraft gun ironically he was trying to defend it against a vision impaired North Korean in an aircraft named "5 O'Clock Charlie", albeit this was accomplished with interference from both Hawkeye and Trapper. In 5.2, he nearly kills himself with phony heroics (calling himself Blood-and-Guts Burns) when he takes the pin out of a grenade and throws the pin away. (in the episode he pulls the pin out with his teeth and spits it away - whereupon he panics and starts frantically searching for the pin.)

Burns, along with Houlihan, often tried to undermine commanding officer Lt. Col Henry Blake due to Blake's rather lax approach to those under his command and in his desire to take control himself. Several times he goes over Blake's head to complain about events at the camp. This occurs quite frequently, enough to the point that Henry tells them "you've done it so many times, I've got Athlete's Scalp." One example of this is when Pierce was appointed Chief Surgeon over him; he then appealed directly to General Barker (Sorrell Booke). Initially ready to have Hawkeye court-martialed for his unprofessional conduct, Barker winds up so thoroughly impressed with him that he tells Henry to give Burns a high colonic and send him on a ten-mile hike with a full pack as punishment for wasting his time. Henry once threatened to note in Frank's personnel file that Frank did not work and play well with others. Frank spent most of his time on the series battling and antagonizing virtually everyone in the camp, specifically his tent mates and commanding officers. By the fifth season, he was the show's main antagonist (having lost Houlihan as an ally upon her engagement) and, essentially, the closest thing the series had to an actual villain, aside from the North Koreans; a fact commented on by B.J. upon hearing of his removal ("This reduces the enemy to just North Korea!").

On the few occasions when Burns was in command of the camp, he would frequently lord his own authority over others by micromanaging camp operations, just for the sake of being in command. For example:

• In Episode 4.1 Welcome to Korea, when he asks Radar if he brushes his teeth in the morning, Radar answers "right after breakfast", to which Burns replies "I want it done before!"
• In Episode 4.2 Change of Command, when Hawkeye and B.J. look in Burns' private command files that he is going to donate to his college, they laughingly find an order to "glue a cracked bedpan", and an order to the Mess Sergeant to "drain the oil from the tuna fish".
• Another instance of Frank's high-handedness as commander was shown in the 4.20 episode The Novocaine Mutiny, in which Hawkeye faced a court martial for allegedly taking over Burns' command. B.J. testified to the Review Board that Burns, in Colonel Potter's absence, ordered the entire camp to pack up and move to the other side of the road. After the camp settles in Burns gives the order to pack up again and move right back to where they were before - Frank's justification being the "M" in MASH means Mobile.

Although Burns claims to be "by-the-book" when it comes to Army regulations, he would often go against regulations in order to kiss up to a superior officer, or if it would benefit him directly. One example of this was in Officer Of The Day, when Col. Flagg brought a prisoner to be treated so he could execute him later, and Hawkeye and Trapper refuse to release him. Frank tried to order them to release him, which is against Army regulations. In Officers Only, when Hawkeye informed General Mitchell that his son could not enter the newly built Officers Club because Mitchell's son was a private, Burns (as well as Houlihan) stated that General Mitchell's son should be allowed to enter the club, although that is against regulations. In The Trial of Henry Blake, when Hawkeye and Trapper inform Burns that they intend to bring Meg Cratty to Henry's trial and tell the truth regarding Burns and Houlihan's charges of Henry giving aid and comfort to the enemy, Burns has them arrested and confined to their tent under military police guard in nothing but their boxers, to which Hawkeye jokes is a clear violation of the Geneva Convention as "no officer shall be confined in his underwear unless issued an athletic supporter with suitable insignia." This falls under interfering with a trial, also against regulations. Despite his bullying and gung-ho patriotism, in several episodes, Burns shows himself to be a panicky coward in crisis situations. One trademark feature of Burns is that when he is drunk, happy, or asleep, he lets out an irritating, high screech of a laugh.

When Blake left, and died on his way home, Burns (who actually wept when he heard of Blake's death, one of the few times he ever showed any genuine humanity) was initially slated to take command of the camp. However, the Army soon appointed a new Commanding Officer, Colonel Sherman T. Potter. Burns was so upset that he ran away to sulk and returned several days later. Everyone except Burns liked the new commander from the start, even Major Houlihan. Burns, having never gotten over being passed for commander, made it a point not to get along with Potter, often making insulting comments regarding Potter's age, (one time, Burns called Potter an old dimwit, while he was screaming at Radar). Potter in turn referred to Burns as the camp's "head twerp". During various episodes, Burns is almost always filing charges against nearly anyone and everyone who dares to go against him or even mildly disagree with him, most especially Hawkeye Pierce, whom he clearly despises. With Potter's arrival, Frank now had more formidable opposition (backed up by the likes of Hawkeye, B.J., Radar, Klinger, Mulcahy, and eventually Houlihan herself). In the episode, "Ping Pong", he vows to put a stop to the antics of a wedding between a Korean Ping-Pong player and his fiancee, but Margaret puts him in his place. Even during the wedding, Burns, who is the only officer not dressed in his formal Military uniform, vowed that the camp wouldn't get away with this wedding and that he would go to a General Harrelson about it, but Margaret, also involved with the wedding (and someone who used to back him on such matters), forcefully tells him to shut up.

At times, Frank was shown to be pathetic when it came to physical fitness. In one episode, he threw his back out while dancing with Hot Lips (an incident that, in real life, would have gotten him disqualified from service in the military). One early episode has Burns as the 4077's Physical Education Instructor and another has Hawkeye reporting that Burns has anemia. His pathetic fitness was also shown almost every time he got into a physical confrontation with someone, which often ended with him getting flattened (one notable example was with Klinger when he tried to forcefully take his bandanna). Another person who beats up Burns three times is Major Houlihan-from whom he tried to steal a clock and a ring; another time Houlihan decked Burns after he leaves her his clothes in his will. Every Friday Burns gives a must attend lecture for enlisted men on why the Korean War is being fought-his lectures however sound like anti-communist speeches made by Senator Joseph McCarthy-who is Burns favorite Congressman.

Departure

Eventually, Burns and Houlihan had a falling out. Early in the fifth season, Houlihan got engaged to a Lt. Col. Donald Penobscot, another career military officer, and wasted few opportunities praising Donald and her love for him. Margaret insensitively broke the fact that she now loved Penobscot to Frank, breaking his heart. Throughout that season Frank constantly made insulting cracks about Penobscot and tried to get Margaret back (in both 5.2 and 5.18, he lost control of himself trying to do so). After an eight month engagement, Donald came to the camp to marry Margaret after she told him about Frank's comments. Frank was terrified by him, but accepted his offer to become Donald's best man. After Margaret and Donald left on their honeymoon, Frank was left alone and heartbroken, finally realizing he would never get Margaret back.

The circumstances surrounding his departure from the 4077th (and thus from M*A*S*H itself) are depicted in the Season Six premiere episode, "Fade Out, Fade In". During Margaret's honeymoon with Donald, Burns was sent on leave to Seoul. While there, he suffered a breakdown and started running wild throughout the city with the Military Police in pursuit until he accosted a General's wife (whom he mistakenly thought was Houlihan) in a public bath. As a result of a psychiatric examination after his capture, he was sent back stateside. Potter, Radar, Pierce and B.J. have one last toast in Frank's honor. Hawkeye's last words on the matter are: "Goodbye, Ferret Face!" However, Burns has the proverbial "last laugh": to Hawkeye and B.J.'s disgust, and which caused Hawkeye to throw the portable phone out the door in a savage fury, he is promoted to lieutenant colonel with all the charges against him being dropped, and posted to a VA Hospital in Indiana. (Hawkeye sarcastically referred to this as a decision made by "the army in its infinite wisdom", and what was worse, was that he was cleared of all charges of accosting the General and his wife.) Burns was replaced with Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III, who by contrast, was considered an excellent surgeon even by the people who disliked him. Winchester also had a relatively more bearable personality and unlike Burns, Winchester actually has compassion for others. Burns was mentioned one last time when the 4077th was creating a time capsule, in which various items were put into the capsule to show what went on there. Winchester asked why nothing was put in from Burns' remaining possessions to which Hawkeye replied that he thought of putting Frank's scalpel in, but they didn't want to include "dangerous weapons," referring to Burns' inferior medical skills.

Burns was written out of the series at the request of Linville. Linville (who once commented that there was actually a very dark aura hovering over Frank, that Frank was not all that stable, yet still operating on patients) felt that the character of Frank Burns had gone as far as it possibly could, with the way the series had developed. Burns' leaving is generally seen as the last straw in the "funny" years of the show, with latter storylines mainly focusing on the horrors of war.

Decorations

Several times throughout the series, the awards that Major Burns had earned during his service in the army could be seen on his uniform. He had earned the following:

•   National Defense Service Medal

•   Korean Service Medal

•   United Nations Service Medal

•    At least twice Burns tried to claim a Purple Heart for minor injuries he incurred at the camp, but quick work by Hawkeye and either Trapper or B.J. made sure Frank could never keep the spurious award, One medal (for throwing his back after leaving Major Houlihan's tent, he told every one else that he slipped on his way to the shower to which Henry replies "Is that how you want me to say it in the ceremony you tripped on your way to the shower?" ) goes to a wounded GI (1.17) for which Burns was given a purple earring instead, and the other medal (for an eggshell fragment in his eye from breaking open a hard-boiled egg but the write up for the award only stated "shell fragment") is awarded to a just-delivered wounded baby (4.8) (However he keeps the medal upper ribbon). In 5.14, he even tried to steal one from an unconscious patient, but Hawkeye and BJ walked in, forcing him to abandon the attempted-theft.

References

• Kalter, Suzy (1984). The Complete Book Of M*A*S*H. Harry N. Abrams, inc., New York. pp. 235–240. ISBN 0810913194.

External links

• Finest-Kind.net - M*A*S*H website with character profile
• Best Care Anywhere - M*A*S*H website with character profile