Talk:Black & White (video game)/GA2

GA Review

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Reviewer: Cognissonance (talk · contribs) 22:53, 13 October 2016 (UTC)[reply]

I have a lot of time on my hands. The review will be starting tomorrow. Cognissonance (talk) 03:33, 14 October 2016 (UTC)[reply]

Lead

artificial life — Link to Simulation video game
strategy — Link to Strategy video game
"Peter Molyneux led the three-year development of this highly anticipated game" — Replace "this" with "the" for a more formal reading.
There is a wealth of knowledge in Development and release. More important points should be summarised with respect to the development.
Establish that the game received universal acclaim.
artificial intelligence — Link to Artificial intelligence (video games)
Even with universal acclaim, mention the criticism (high system requirements, bugs). This may be followed by a sentence summarising the re-reviewed publications later considering it overrated.

Gameplay

"Screenshot of" is not necessary.
"the player's image in followers' eyes" — "the player's image as judged by his followers" seems more complete.
"a good god, an evil one, or in between" — End the sentence with "in-between the two" to improve grammar and flow.
"an evil god's temple is dark-coloured, sprouting spikes, and looking intimidating" reads like "an evil god's temple is ... looking intimidating". Replace with "fashioned to look intimidating".
"Buildings are created in the Workshop, using wood to create scaffolds, placed to create a blueprint. Villagers then build it using wood" — As a reader, this confused me. "Buildings are created in the Workshop by manufacturing blueprints, using wood to create scaffolds. Villagers then employ the material to build the structures" would be less bewildering.
Cite source 48 to add Tibet, Zulu and Cossacks. Make clear that these historical cultures helped form the basis of the tribes.
soccer — Link to Association football
"or by performing certain gestures with the hand" — For consistency, write "the Hand".
believe — Link to Belief
"every village on the island" — Replace with "every village on an island" to establish that it is set on an island without assuming the reader already knows.

Creature

"The current creature can be swapped with a new one if the player desires" — "current creature" is a weird phrasing when there are three creatures to choose from. "One creature can be swapped with another if the player desires" is more comprehensible.
"apes are intelligent and proficient at learning but lack strength, tigers are strong but learn slowly" — Replace comma with semicolon.
"command the creature to go to specific place" — Fix grammar with "command the creature to go to a specific place".
"One encourages the creature to pay attention when actions are demonstrated" — Clarify with "One leash encourages the creature to pay attention when actions are demonstrated". The following comma should also be replaced by a semicolon.
"Beliefs are attribute lists that store data about various world objects" — Fix grammar with "Beliefs are attributed to lists that store data about various world objects".
"the creature selects the belief that it has the best opinion about" — Fix grammar with "the creature selects the belief with the best opinion".

Plot

Consider breaking the content into two paragraphs at the start of "Later, Nemesis destroys Khazar and steals his piece of the Creed" to easier navigate the writing.
"The player begins as a new god created from a family's prayers" — Establish setting with "The player begins on an island as a new god, created from a family's prayers" and link "prayers" to Prayer.
"After saving their drowning son, the grateful family is followed to their village" gives the impression that the family saved the son, not the god. Fix with "After saving their drowning son, the god follows the grateful family to their village".
"a god named Nemesis. He desires to reign supreme as the one true god" can be clarified with "a god named Nemesis, who desires to reign supreme as the one true god". Link "one true god" to Monotheism.
"Khazar reveals that he sent the vortex and asks for help against another god" — Improve prose with "Khazar reveals that it was he who sent the vortex and requests assistance against another god".
"Lethys gives the player" — Minor nitpick: "Lethys grants the player".
"Nemesis appears and invites the player to his realm" — Minor nitpick: "Nemesis appears, inviting the player to his realm".

Development and release

Please include a fair use image (or two if possible) to illustrate the content, preferably in place of the boxquote. Suggestion: Peter Molyneux (summarise that the game drew elements from his previous projects Populous and Dungeon Keeper, which he also designed).
"Black & White took over three years to develop beginning on 14 February 1998, and the game was released on 30 March 2001" — Reads as though "Black & White" and "the game" are different things altogether, and has problems with flow. Improve with "Black & White started development on 14 February 1998 and took over three years to create. It was released on 30 March 2001".
Peter Molyneux — Link to Peter Molyneux
"personally devoted the entire period to the game" can be clarified with "personally devoted his entire focus on the period of development".
"where players felt they are in a world where they could do anything" — Past tense consistency: "where players felt they inhabited a world where they could do anything".
"Molyneux liked the idea of controlling people in a world from Populous" can be clarified with "Molyneux had liked the idea of controlling people as a god since his previous venture Populous".
"He was interested in good and evil" can be clarified with "He was interested in the concept of good and evil". Also, link to Good and evil.
Mafia — Mafia (video game) or Mafia? Link to the applicable article.
Lionhead — Link to Lionhead Studios
"The nine-person team discussed the game and its content" — Establish team expansion and improve prose: "The expanded nine-person team exchanged suggestions for the game and its content".
lip-synchronised — Link to Lip sync
"team members questioned and competed with each other, and the result was better quality work than expected" — Improve flow: "team members questioned and competed with each other, resulting in a better quality of work than expected".
"The game was developed by a team" — Limit repetition of "team": "The game was developed by a group".
Remove repeated Populous wikilink.
"The estimated release date was late 1999, but was pushed back to September 2000" — Correction: "Molyneux estimated the game would be nearly finished in 1999 and scheduled it for a late September 2000 release".
Artificial intelligence — Link to Artificial intelligence (video games)
Microsoft Developer Studio — If applicable, link to Microsoft Visual Studio
"He hoped the 3D engine could be a refinement when compared to his previous games, and held high hopes for its standards. He instructed its programmers to" — Improve prose: "He expected the 3D engine would be a refinement when compared to his previous games, and held high hopes for its standards. He instructed the programmers to". The following colon is not necessary.
engine — Link to Game engine
"the team did not have rehearsals, so learned" — Improve prose: "the team did not have rehearsals, and thus learned".
"The team did not want to use panels for casting miracles preferring a gesture system" — Replace with "They also resisted using control panels, icons and buttons for casting miracles, preferring a gesture system". "Control panels" should be linked to Control panel (software) and "gesture system" to Gesture recognition.
"Integrating the storyline was found to draw the player in an unexpected way and this lead to the development of characters such as the advisers" — Clarify: "Integrating the storyline was found to draw the player through the game in an unexpected manner, which led to the development of characters like Sable, the Creature trainer, and the advisers"
"The creature's artificial intelligence was a gamble" — Replace with "The creature's artificial intelligence was thought to be risky" for a less informal approach.
"Richard Evans built the technology into a "character which appeared to live and learn like, say, a clever puppy" — Replace with "Artificial intelligence specialist Richard Evans built the technology into a character, which according to Molyneux appeared to "live and learn like, say, a clever puppy".
"Molyneux wanted the creature to pass the Turing test" — Replace repeated word "wanted" with synonym.
The sentence about the interface not using "panels, icons or buttons" should be removed as this has already been established in the previous section.
"wizard's towers" — Replace with "a wizard's tower".
Electronic Arts — Link to Electronic Arts
"Molyneux commented that:" — The colon is not necessary.
"the team felt like they'd run a marathon" — Replace "they'd" with "they had".
"CD" — Link to Compact disc
"Molyneux said Black & White is the most important and difficult game he had made" — Past tense consistency: "Molyneux said Black & White was the most important and difficult game he had made".
patch — Link to Patch (computing)
"A patch was released that allows" — Improve flow: "Another patch was released, which would allow".
"The villager's artificial intelligence had to be capped" — Fix grammar, improve wording: "The villagers' artificial intelligence had to be restricted".
"On the creature's artificial intelligence, Molyneux commented" — "Molyneux said of the creature's artificial intelligence," is more appropriate.

Reception

This looks to be broad in scope, citing several reviews and creating a consensus indicating its most noteworthy praise and criticism. Speaking of which, the word "praise" should be replaced in a few areas with other synonyms, lest it be repeated ad nauseam.
Consider adding "on the PC" to the sales information.
"original ideas remarking that" — Minor tweak: put a comma after "ideas".

Accolades

Guinness World Records — Link to Guinness World Records

Overall

It is reasonably well written.
a (prose, spelling, and grammar): b (MoS for lead, layout, word choice, fiction, and lists):
It is factually accurate and verifiable.
a (reference section): b (citations to reliable sources): c (OR): d (copyvio and plagiarism):
It is broad in its coverage.
a (major aspects): b (focused):
It follows the neutral point of view policy.
Fair representation without bias:
It is stable.
No edit wars, etc.:
It is illustrated by images and other media, where possible and appropriate.
a (images are tagged and non-free content have fair use rationales): b (appropriate use with suitable captions):
Overall: The article meets the criteria in regards to being factually accurate, reliable, free of plagiarism, broad in coverage, focused, neutral, stable and illustrated, but its prose, grammar and lead summary will have to be amended for the article to pass the review. I am putting it on hold so that the concerns can be redressed. Cognissonance (talk) 00:28, 15 October 2016 (UTC)[reply]
Pass/Fail:

@Cognissonance: I'm busy tomorrow, but have 2 free days after that. I should have plenty of time then. Adam9007 (talk) 00:39, 15 October 2016 (UTC)[reply]

@Cognissonance: I've made most of the changes. How's the article now? I'm not sure about the 3 tribes though. Zulu and Cossacks aren't in the final game, and I'm not sure if the source means it was intended for them to be, or if the tribes that are in the game are based on them. Is the sentence "a good god's temple is bright-coloured, and an evil god's is fashioned to look intimidating" okay? I used bright-coloured as good temples aren't necessarily white (only the player's and Khazar's are). For example Lethys's good temple if gold. Adam9007 (talk) 17:21, 16 October 2016 (UTC)[reply]

@Adam9007: Great work.

Lead

"Peter Molyneux led the three-year development of the highly anticipated game, originally to feature wizards instead of gods" — Expand the development summary after this sentence.
"Black & White received critical acclaim" — Move the entire sentence back so it starts the paragraph and add "universal acclaim".
system requirements and bugs — Link to System requirements and Software bug

Development and release

"Black & White drew elements form" — Fix grammar: "Black & White drew elements from".
"including a Mafia game" — Replace with previous version: "including a mafia-style game".

Cognissonance (talk) 18:19, 16 October 2016 (UTC)[reply]

@Cognissonance: How's the article now? I got rid of "the game was noted for its artificial intelligence" because that's already conveyed in "reviewers praised the artificial intelligence". Adam9007 (talk) 18:43, 16 October 2016 (UTC)[reply]

It is reasonably well written.
a (prose, spelling, and grammar): b (MoS for lead, layout, word choice, fiction, and lists):

Pass/Fail:
@Adam9007: Good to go. Cognissonance (talk) 18:53, 16 October 2016 (UTC)[reply]