Talk:Thunder (mascot)/GA1

GA Review

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Reviewer: The Rambling Man (talk · contribs) 22:20, 2 February 2014 (UTC)[reply]

Comments

I fixed your dashes for you.
Thanks! --MTBW
"Prior to Super Bowl XLVIII, two horses held this name, and the third, "Thunder III" appeared at the 2014 Super Bowl." this is two mentions of the same Superbowl in different formats in the same sentence, and isn't elegant.
Hmmm, I felt that saying "XLVIII" twice so close together was even worse... thoughts? --MTBW
I think mentioning the same Superbowl twice in one sentence, and in different terms, is too confusing. Not sure you even need "prior to...". The Rambling Man (talk) 18:58, 4 February 2014 (UTC)[reply]
I just redid that whole sentence, part of my plot was that at the time the DYK hook was approved, I didn't know Thunder III would be making his debut (the press release about it came out later) and I didn't want to get jumped on for an inaccurate hook that said "two horses". But we are no longer worried about DYK, so no need for that structure. Better now?--MTBW
Better, I just tweaked it a tiny bit. The Rambling Man (talk) 07:45, 5 February 2014 (UTC)[reply]
No prob, you improved it further! Thanks! --MTBW
Perhaps I'm just not understanding but the info box says "Sex" and appears to name other Thunders, is that what that parameter is meant to do?
There are three horses who have been "Thunder" I suspect the parameter is not normally used to describe three horses, but there you have it. (FWIW, I think they usd something like 14 horses in Seabiscuit (film)) --MTBW
Again, I'm confused, why are this listed against the word "sex"? The Rambling Man (talk) 18:58, 4 February 2014 (UTC)[reply]
All the horse articles use this box to explain if they are boy horses or girl horses or neutered boy horses...? Here we have three boy horses, two of them fixed... ?--MTBW
Suddenly I get it! Okay, no problem, I think what you have is fine (the confusion coming from three horses fulfiling one role!). The Rambling Man (talk) 07:45, 5 February 2014 (UTC)[reply]
Tempted to suggest you avoid linking common terms like "horse".
I'm never quite sure on some of these, sometimes I agree, but OTOH, children are interested in Thunder because he is a horse and might want to read more about horses. Thoughts? --MTBW
I think that's what Simple English Wikipedia is all about. The Rambling Man (talk) 18:58, 4 February 2014 (UTC)[reply]
If you can live with it, I'd like to keep "horse" linked. I'm OK with tossing other really obvious links if there are others, though. (Amazing how few kids know about simple wikipedia, which is, I suspect more of a TOEFL site than a student one.) (JMO) --MTBW
Sure I can live with it. The Rambling Man (talk) 07:45, 5 February 2014 (UTC)[reply]
Penultimate sentence of opening lead para has 63 words, consider chopping into three or so.
"Penultimate? "The regular rider ..." Hee hee hee... I fixed the one you meant, and I decided to swap the order of the people stuff, and so moved those sentences in the lede dalso. --MTBW
" does some " not keen on this at all.
Rephrase? I'm kind of bleary-eyed -- the source is kind of vague on details, my impression is that they were getting Thunder III ready for becoming the full time mascot by taking him to all sorts of other kinds of activities so he got used to just about anything... --MTBW
Performs? The Rambling Man (talk) 18:58, 4 February 2014 (UTC)[reply]
Sometimes he goes to a children's hospital and the kids get to pet him, not exactly a "performance" - hence "public appearances". You see my dilemma... --MTBW

"onto the field ... football field". Odd repeat with slightly different terminology in a single sentence.
Tweaked. Better? (OK w/me if you want to fiddle with that further...) --MTBW
"is anticipated to appear at Super Bowl XLVIII" did he?
Yes, and I think I've updated, was looking for RS, so far all I can find was the Broncos' Twitter feed and stuff linked off of it. --MTBW
"first appeared... first appearance" repetitive prose.
Fixed --MTBW
"At his first game, the Broncos defeated the San Diego Chargers. He became very popular" this reads as if his popularity took place at his first game.
Trying not to close paraphrase the sources, ideas for rewording? --MTBW
I would try not to link his popularity with the win, unless that's what the source is implying, in which case I'd be more explicit. The Rambling Man (talk) 18:58, 4 February 2014 (UTC)[reply]
The sources are scant, the Broncos press release department kind of sucks, as what they cared about was the win, while the other source was AHA which wants to say how he walks on water (as opposed to astroturf... heh) I tweaked to say "over time, which is weaselly, but all I can say without venturing into OR, any better? --MTBW
"as, "... a powerful" not sure you need that comma or ellipsis.
I omitted part of the sentence that didn't seem relevant, but there was more in the quote so I think the ellipsis might matter. Maybe peek at the source and see what you think? --MTBW
"but doesn't for a" avoid contractions.
Fixed --MTBW
"When he leads the team onto the field, Judge-Wegener considers" awkward, suggest rephrase something like "Judge-Wegener considers Thunder leading ... to be the most hazardous...."
Fixed --MTBW
"the one thing that bothered both Thunder Sr. and Thunder II is when the crowd does" not keen on this prose at all, reads poorly and not encyclopaedically.
Yeah, I hear you, I've redone that about five different ways, open to ideas- basically, the wave is the one thing that freaks out both horses, which makes sense. They can handle the flamethrowers, the cheerleaders, the noise, the people with flags running behind them, but the wave - not too well, OK so 75,000 people doing a weird thing coming at me would freak me out too... I'm actually amazed that they don't bolt away as it is, they are actually amazing to even stay in the stadium for it (I'm seriously impressed) so how do we explain this? ;-) --MTBW
Not certain, maybe something like "While Thunder Sr. and Thunder II were generally calm, they were mildly distressed when the crowd performed a Mexican wave"...? (I know about how flighty they can be, Flynn would often freak out at the sight of a plastic bag, or a gate that was closed yesterday that's open today....) The Rambling Man (talk) 18:58, 4 February 2014 (UTC)[reply]
Ah yes, the killer, horse-eating plastic bag! I know all about those! (I think horses would prefer fireworks to a plastic bag skittering along the ground, IMHO!) My intent was to contrast the wave as the only thing that they couldn't handle ... "Mildly distressed" is probably too mild, clearly both of them would have preferred to freak out and run. It's a testament to the trust they held in their trainer. I reworded a little, see what you think. --MTBW
Not sure why the W of Wave is capitalised.
Fixed --MTBW
"may have been" may?
Source doesn't say it was the record, don't want to do OR...--MTBW
"home games ... each game" repetitive.
Fixed --MTBW
You link "visitors" on the second use, not the first.
Fixed --MTBW
two-minute needs hyphenation.
Fixed --MTBW
"been asked to do things like" again, doesn't read very encyclopaedic to me.
Suggestions for wording? --MTBW
It's just trying to avoid words like "do things like", maybe "perform tasks such as" or something that reads a little bit more professional.... The Rambling Man (talk) 18:58, 4 February 2014 (UTC)[reply]
I'm thinking like a horse trainer - horses being "asked" suggests that they are treated in humane manner... I tweaked the wording, better? --MTBW
",[24] [25]" avoid spaces between refs.
Fixed --MTBW
"Super Bowl appearances" needs to be checked for tenses, given the most recent appearance last night.
Fixed - I think??? --MTBW
Today Show appears to be a dab link.
Fixed --MTBW
Add a note explaining what the asterisk means next to horse's name.
Fixed --MTBW
"but lived several more years, continuing" just "but continued..." works as you go on to say how old he was before he died shortly afterwards.
Fixed --MTBW
"remarried to another" perhaps a nuance of US Eng, but we don't remarry to someone, we just remarry them.
Fixed --MTBW

That's sufficient for now. As befits my normal MO, I'll place it on hold in the knowledge that you'll soon get round to having a go at some of the comments! The Rambling Man (talk) 13:57, 3 February 2014 (UTC)[reply]

@The Rambling Man: FIrst set of tweaks done, several questions. I worked on this article fairly fast and am at that "too bleary-eyed to see it" stage, so any further suggestions are welcomed! !!!!

@The Rambling Man: I think I got most of these. Take a look. Any further thoughts welcomed. Montanabw^(talk) 00:38, 5 February 2014 (UTC)[reply]

Definitely getting there, but I'm curious by what is meant by "Thunder III has never been shown", can you explain? The Rambling Man (talk) 07:45, 5 February 2014 (UTC)[reply]

I meant "shown" as in competitively exhibited at a horse show. JB Kobask had been shown and won stuff; it's sourced. Winter Solstyce apparently had not, which is why I said he was Magness-Blake's own riding horse, as that's all I can affirmatively source (at least, not without delving into AHA's paid database to see if he has a show record, which I don't think is necessary). The source on Me N Myshadow says he hasn't been shown: "although he does not compete, he has been to open horse shows to watch the commotion, learning to handle the buzz..." Does that clarify? Let me know if I have failed to address anything else! Thanks! Montanabw^(talk) 20:08, 5 February 2014 (UTC)[reply]

All good for me now. Lots of improvements made, quality article. Thanks for your patience while I got my head round some of the more subtle equine stuff. The Rambling Man (talk) 20:23, 5 February 2014 (UTC)[reply]

Thanks and No worries, if I don't write something that's understandable for non-horse experts, then what I'm writing needs to be thought over and such. I appreciate what you do! Montanabw^(talk) 03:16, 6 February 2014 (UTC)[reply]