Wikipedia:Featured article candidates/Peter Canavan/archive2

The following is an archived discussion of a featured article nomination. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the article's talk page or in Wikipedia talk:Featured article candidates. No further edits should be made to this page.

The article was not promoted by Maralia 19:29, 22 January 2010 [1].

Peter Canavan

Nominator(s): Macca7174 _talk 23:57, 15 January 2010 (UTC)[reply]

I am nominating this for featured article because I feel it is an exhaustive study of Canavan's career, and the copy and prose have been significantly improved since the last nomination. Macca7174 _talk 23:57, 15 January 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Oppose - Sorry, but I notice quite a few significant issues.
The first sentence isn't particularly concise or engaging; instead, it overwhelms the reader with information before they've even established who the subject is.
He is considered one of the great players of the last twenty years by commentators such as John Haughey of the BBC.[8][9] and in 2009 - Obvious grammatical error, which is present throughout the article.
The lead doesn't provide much biographical information.
The final sentence of the lead took me a couple tries to understand, and while it seems a notable fact, it isn't presented well. Perhaps this could be condensed into more accessible text?
He is married to Finola (sister of former Tyrone team-mate Ronan McGarrity[14]), and has four children, Áine, Claire, Darragh and Ruairi, and has been a Physical Education teacher in Holy Trinity College, Cookstown, throughout most of his career (Gaelic games are amateur sports). - This is rather unwieldy; I'd suggest splitting it into three individual sentences. Also, who is "Finola"?
A spot-check through the rest of the article reveals poor formatting, an unreasonably small image in the 2005: Championship swan song section, and inconsistent sourcing. For example, "BBC Sport" is sometimes linked, sometimes italicized, and sometimes left plain in the references. Further, {{citation}} and {{cite web}} shouldn't be mixed.
Finally, the Disciplinary problems probably shouldn't be its own section at all. It seems needlessly negative, possibly presenting WP:BLP issues. If possible, I'd like to see this info condensed into a single line or so and incorporated into another section.

–Juliancolton | ^Talk 20:34, 17 January 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Oppose, 1a. Good work so far, but the prose is not up to FA quality. Recommend withdrawing, getting a strong independent copyedit, and then going through Peer Review for some fit and finish as preliminary steps. Example issues from a small parcel of text:
- "Two clubs claimed to represent the parish, the established Ballygawley St. Ciaran's club and the newly-formed club, then called Errigal Ciaran Naomh Malachai." Plain punctuation problem.
- "Players from the Errigal team were not recognised as being GAA members" What is "being" doing?
- "Canavan registered as a member of the Killyclogher hurling club, even though he didn't play the sport, just so he would be eligible for selection for the Tyrone minors." More detail needed; this cannot pass common readers without explanation.
- "Prior to that, he had not played legitimate club football, but had forged his way onto the Tyrone under-age teams with his performances at school level." Same comment. This lost me completely.
- "He was the top scorer in Ulster, earning him his first All Star, at the age of 23." Plain grammar.
- "Throughout the 1995 championship, Canavan had spearheaded Tyrone's march to the final, with round after round of massive scoring exploits." This and other sports-page sentences need toning down. WP:PEACOCK.
- "The game was remembered as contentious for Tyrone fans" By Tyrone fans, surely?

--Andy Walsh (talk) 05:25, 19 January 2010 (UTC)[reply]

I am going to withdraw this (at least temporarily), because I am struggling to find the time to address the above issues adequately. Thanks to the contributors for their feedback.--Macca7174 _talk 16:49, 21 January 2010 (UTC)[reply]

The above discussion is preserved as an archive. Please do not modify it. No further edits should be made to this page.