Wikipedia:Peer review/Ayumi Hamasaki/archive3

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Ayumi Hamasaki[edit]

Previous peer review

This peer review discussion has been closed.
This article, currently a Good Article, failed its last two FA candidacies because of prose issues, so I'm looking for a thorough (and brutal, if necessary) critique of its prose. Other minor issues, such as MoS errors, reliability of sources, and fair-use rationale, were cleared up in the FA/GA candidacies.

Thanks, Ink Runner (talk) 19:33, 13 October 2008 (UTC)

Ruhrfisch comments: Looks better than the last time I reviewed it. Here are some fairly nitpicky suggestions for improvement.

  • I would ask for help with copyediting at WP:PRV (those in the top section are willing to do copyedits). Another useful trick is to print the article and read it out loud, listening for errors. I would then ask those who commented at the most recent FAC to take a second look.
  • I checked one ref at random Because of her constantly changing image and tight control over her artistry, Hamasaki has become a "trendsetter" and an "icon of fashion" in Asia;[5] ... where reference 5 is [1]. This article only mentions her twice: once in a list of commonly seen celebrities No matter what channel you watch or which magazine you read, you'll see the same faces — Aya Ueto, SMAP, Yuko Takeuchi, Ayumi Hamasaki, ... and once here Both Namie Amuro and Ayumi Hamasaki were serious fashionistas whose ever-changing looks had a huge impact on their teen fans. NEITHER of the apparent direct quotations "trendsetter" or "icon of fashion" are in this ref. In the body of the article, ref 103 does call her a trendsetter (but not an icon), but only in Japan (not all of Asia). The other refs that seem to back up trendsetter and fashion icon were either not online or in languages I do not read or read well. If direct quotes are used in the lead they need to be referenced per WP:MOSQUOTE and WP:LEAD and this ref does not back up these appparent direct quotations.
    • Okay, I removed the direct quotes (since I couldn't find in the sources anything that specifically said she was a "trendsetter" or "icon" in all of Asia) and changed it to "Hamasaki has influenced fashion trends in Asia".
  • I think this sentence is misleading as written: Her singles have set records: she is the Japanese female artist with the highest singles sales, most number-one singles, and most million-seller singles.[fn 2] and would change it to something like Her singles have set records: she is the Japanese female artist with the highest singles sales and most number-one singles, and is tied for most million-seller singles.[fn 2]
    • Changed, per your suggestion.
  • This needs a ref Her modeling career did not last long; SOS deemed her too short and transferred her to Sun Music, a musicians' agency. Using the name "Ayumi", Hamasaki released a rap album, Nothing from Nothing, on the Nippon Columbia label. When the album failed to chart on the Oricon, Sun dropped Hamasaki. My rule of thumb is that every quote, every statistic, every extraordinary claim and every paragraph needs a ref.
    • Fixed.
  • Refs are generally in numerical order, so fix ...Hamasaki spent much of her time shopping at Shibuya boutiques and dancing at Velfarre, an Avex-owned disco club.[11][10] and other examples
  • Needs a ref per WP:MOSQUOTE (direct quotes): The tracks, composed by Yasuhiko Hoshino, Akio Togashi (of Da Pump), and Mitsuru Igarashi (of Every Little Thing), were "cautious" and "unassuming" pop-rock songs.
    • Fixed.
  • There are five fair use music samples and a fair use album cover image - this seems like a lot, does it meet WP:NFCC?
    • I guess the sample of either "Evolution" or "Boys & Girls" is redundant, since they are both dance tracks. I'll remove one.
  • Avoid one or two sentence paragraphs like On September 10, 2008, Hamasaki released A Complete ~All Singles~, a compilation album that includes the A-sides of all her singles along with previously unreleased footage from her A-nation concerts.[84] - combine them with others or expand them
    • Fixed.

Hope this helps. If my comments are useful, please consider peer reviewing an article, especially one at Wikipedia:Peer review/backlog (which is how I found this article). Yours, Ruhrfisch ><>°° 21:52, 21 October 2008 (UTC)

Thanks a lot for looking this over! I'm currently reviewing an article (or two), so I'll look at the backlog when they're done. Ink Runner (talk) 19:35, 22 October 2008 (UTC)