Wikipedia:Peer review/Baichung Bhutia/archive2
This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because I want it to be a Featured Article. I think it would be great to have an Indian footballer up there as the majority of the football FAs are British and besides that he is an influential figure both on and off the field.
Thanks, Spiderone 15:38, 4 September 2009 (UTC)
- Comments by Eddie6705
Don't need to mention he is captain of the Indian team twice in the lead section. What did he do in the 1992 Subroto Cup to bring him to the notice of the football establishment? The chronological order seems awkward when it goes from since then including the Arjuna Award in 1999. to In 1997 he returned to East Bengal Club. Perhaps the award could be mentioned further down. He became team captain in the 1998–99 season where East Bengal finished / signing a three-year contract and became the first Indian / He had difficulty obtaining a visa and could not - Needs a comma before the citations. On 15 April 2000 he scored his first goal - Needs a comma after 2000. As a result of the Jhalak Dikhhla Jaa incident he was suspended for - Shouldn't link to the same article as it is in.
- Thanks for the comments. They have helped. Spiderone 16:15, 14 September 2009 (UTC)
Finetooth comments: This is an interesting article, and it seems comprehensive to me, an outsider. I have suggestions about the layout and a few aspects of the prose.
MOS:IMAGES says in part, "Do not place left-aligned images directly below a subsection-level heading (=== or lower), as this sometimes disconnects the heading from the text that follows it." For this reason, the image directly under "Professional career" should probably be moved to the right. MOS:IMAGES also says, "Images should be inside the section they belong to (after the heading and after any links to other articles), and not above the heading." For this reason, the third text box and the final two images should probably be moved. The shortness of the existing sections makes this difficult. You might consider combining some short sections to make room for images. Extremely short sections are not such a good idea in any case.
The ref for his birthplace should come after the comma, not before.
- Why do so many boxes in the list of senior career stats have question marks instead of numbers?
- No data is available on his appearances as far as I know. Spiderone 16:26, 14 September 2009 (UTC)
Instead of starting three sentences in a row in the first paragraph with "He is", I'd suggest variety. For example, the second sentence could be flipped to say, "Currently the captain of the Indian team, he plays for East Bengal Club." "As well as this he has played for JCT Mills, where he won the league once, and Mohun Bagan, where he failed to win the league once during his two spells, in his native India." - This sounds odd because he didn't win the league or fail to win the league by himself. Would something like " ...which won the league once during his tenure; and Mohun Bagan, which failed to win the league once during his two spells, in his native India."
"He became team captain in the 1998–99 season where East Bengal finished second behind Salgaocar in the league." - Comma after "season" and then substitute "during which" for "where"?
It would be good to add that Bury is in Manchester, England. Many readers will not have any idea where Bury is. "However his stint at Perak ended in a 3–1 defeat to Sabah FA in the Malaysia Cup semi-finals with Bhutia describing himself as "the villain of the piece"." - "With" doesn't make a very good conjunction. Suggestion: However his stint at Perak ended in a 3–1 defeat to Sabah FA in the Malaysia Cup semi-finals, after which Bhutia described himself as "the villain of the piece". "The 2004–05 season saw East Bengal finish in third place behind SC Goa and champions Dempo SC with Bhutia scoring nine goals." - Suggestion: "During the 2004–05 season, Bhutia scored nine goals for East Bengal, which finished in third place behind SC Goa and champions Dempo SC." "The 2007–08 season (the league was now known as the I-League) saw Mohun Bagan finish slightly higher in the league in fourth place, with Bhutia scoring 10 goals in 18 matches." - Suggestion: "During the 2007–08 season (the league was now known as the I-League), Bhutia scored 10 goals in 18 matches, and Mohun Bagan finished slightly higher in the league in fourth place." I see other "with" conjunctions further down in the article. They would all be easy to fix in ways similar to these three suggestions.
East Bengal "Homecoming"
Lowercase "homecoming"? "claiming damages of Rs. 10 million, against Mohun Bagan" - Constructions such as Rs.10 million need to be held together with an nbsp code to prevent the parts from being separated by line break on computer screens. WP:NBSP has a full explanation. Also, no space should separate the "Rs" from the "10". Ditto for instances lower in the article.
"Bhutia played a significant part in the final as he was involved in the build-up to N. P. Pradeep's winning goal against Syria where India won 1–0 to become champions." - This sentence uses "where" in an odd way. "During which" might be better. Ditto for similar instances lower down in the article.
Jhalak Dikhhla Jaa controversy
What does "SMS frenzy" refer to?
- I'll begin to address these, thanks for the comments. Spiderone 16:15, 14 September 2009 (UTC)
- You said you wanted to know what to work on before taking to FAC, so I looked at the sourcing and referencing with that in mind. I reviewed the article's sources as I would at FAC.
- What makes the following reliable sources?
- Note that some of these are probably reliable, but since, as you point out, most of the footballer articles are on non-Indians, the Indian football sources haven't been seen at FAC much yet.
- Hope this helps. Please note that I don't watchlist Peer Reviews I've done. If you have a question about something, you'll have to drop a note on my talk page to get my attention. (My watchlist is already WAY too long, adding peer reviews would make things much worse.) 21:20, 28 September 2009 (UTC)