Wikipedia:Peer review/Dan Wolf/archive1

Dan Wolf

This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because I've doubled it in size and I'd like to get it to good article status. I feel it's pretty comprehensive for a small-time politician, but as he's running for Governor it's likely there's going to be a lot to add in the upcoming months, so I'd rather have it at a god level before that happens.

Thanks, Grammarxxx ^{(What'd I do this time?)} 23:00, 15 July 2013 (UTC)

Using the Cape Air logo in this article won't meet fair use. —Designate (talk) 23:14, 15 July 2013 (UTC)

Done...

Also, too many paragraphs begin with "Wolf". —Designate (talk) 23:52, 15 July 2013 (UTC)

and done. Grammarxxx ^{(What'd I do this time?)} 06:36, 16 July 2013 (UTC)

I think that it would read better if many of the other "Wolfs" would be changed to "he". I figure that the name should be used the first time that the person is referred to in a paragraph followed by a few "he"s, and then the name again when "he" starts to sound tedious. Gandydancer (talk) 11:32, 17 July 2013 (UTC)

Comments by User:ColonelHenry

I was asked to offer a few comments, and considering Grammarxxx's desire to bring this to a GA, I'll use the GA criteria for the purposes of this review.

Criteria 1

Well-Written?

1a. Of the material present, it is written in a clear and concise manner. It isn't the best prose, and would benefit from a stylistic copy-edit to make it sharper, more compelling. I do not see any glaring grammatical errors, but do see a longer sentences that could be sharpened by splitting them up, spinning off new sentences from clauses. Summary style seeks a little more of the staccato style of a newspaperman; long sentences are a little too cerebral and slow and likely to lose an otherwise interested reader. Speaking subjectively, the prose has a sparse feeling to it like is not more than but a few facts but trying to present it expansively. Hard to do when there's just a few facts. This also goes to broad coverage in criteria 3. I think there needs to be more "meat on the bone" in terms of content for it to be a GA. Some of the sections are brief paragraphs of only a few sentences--i.e. on his senate election, if there isn't enough material, considering merging sections or finding more material.

1b. I think the lede section needs to be expanded to reflect more of the substance of Wolf's positions entering into the governor's race (i.e. more than just saying he will be seeking election next year.

Things to consider

Lede section

• Opening sentence: Put more meat here: "Daniel A. "Dan" Wolf (born August 11, 1957) is an American entrepreneur, professional pilot, and Democratic party politician presently serving in the Massachusetts Senate." and remove the "as a member of the Democratic Party" clause from the subsequent sentence.
• "he ran unopposed in 2012." ought to be a separate sentence.
• things to consider: During his tenure in the Senate, he has risen as a progressive voice. Wolf isn't Jesus Christ on Easter...try "he has emerged as a progressive voice"

Cape Air

• Needs more coverage, more meat. If this is the core of Wolf's life to date, it merits more than a few sentences.
• "From flying one route with eight employees and one plane, Cape Air has expanded to become the largest independent regional airline,[5] serving parts of the East Coast and Midwestern United States, and the Carribean and Micronesia with around 1,000 employees" - that is a long sentence. Split it up. Rephrase "Cape Air began as a company with eight employees and one plane that flew one route from A to B." (full stop). Discuss how Wolf started out. Discuss how the company expanded with Wolf at the helm--what did *he* do to make this company emerge.
• Consider adding a sentence in the lede: "Under Wolf's leadership, Cape Air expanded from a company with eight employees, one plane, and one route to the nation's largest independent regional carrier with 1,000 employees and service to ____(# of airports/places). If he's serving Micronesia, he's not just "regional", he might be considered "international." Comparatively, the Mellon family owns the Boston & Maine Railroad, a regional provider, and Pan-Am, which while limited from its earlier form, is international.

Massachusetts Senate/Elections

• Discuss what brought him into the race. Why did he leave a successful career (and take a pay cut) to be a politician--what prompted this change? Who endorsed him? What day did he enter the race? If he won at election, what day was the election...I think you should say more than "he won the 2010 election."
• Discuss his positions during the campaigns in 2010 and 2012.
• Discuss the primary or general election campaigns...in 2010, discuss debates with his opponent, advertising/how he got his message--i.e. more aspects of the campaign. Add vote totals/percentages.
• You mention in the subsequent section Although elected from a conservative district, Wolf has emerged as a liberal and progressive...I know this is Massachusetts, but how did he pull that one off? (knowing Massachusetts politics, I don't see his district as "conservative"...perhaps that's someone's opinion, but it's a rather centrist region with parts that are markedly left-leaning).

Mass.Senate/Tenure

• This looks very post-2012. What were his accomplishments as a freshman state senator in the 2010-2012 term?

2014 election

• I know this is a developing section as we move toward this election, but this section is a little sparse. Consider also tagging it with one of the "This is a developing current event" templates (see options at WP:CAFET)
• Why did he choose to run for governor?
• What positions/vision did he lay out for his campaign? How is his campaign being set up? fundraising?
• How does he stand out amongst the other contenders? Are there any campaigning on the Republican side or other serious parties?

Personal life

• This section seems sufficient. You might want to consider something about what he does as hobbies or avocational pursuits if there is sourced material for it. Also, what the topics/content of his articles were to the Barnstable Patriot (op-eds? local interest? pastimes? business?).

Criteria 2 Original Research

2a. references and layout compliance. - compliant.

2b. in-line citations? - compliant, using cite templates.

2c. no original research - does not contain original research.

Criteria 3 Broad in its coverage

3a. I addressed some things regarding this with regard to Criteria 1.

3b. I think more detail, more material is needed, but the work so far seems to comply with the spirit of WP:SUMMARY.

Criteria 4 Neutrality

No present concerns regarding POV.

Criteria 5 Stability

No present concerns regarding stability. As it this is a living person involved in ongoing current events, the article's editors need to be vigilant to comply with WP:BLP, WP:NOTNEWS, WP:EVENT, and the advice offered at WP:CEE.

Criteria 6 Media

6a. One image, suitable free use/copyright status. As with any article, it could use more images, but so far it suffices for the purposes of GA.

6b. Relevant to topic/WP:CAPTION. Suitably Relevant, Compliant.

I hope this gets you started. With a little bit of work, it will be a good candidate for GA. Right now, I compared it with my GA for Casper Shafer. When you take a few more whacks at it and are ready for a GA nomination, let me know. If I have the time I'll be glad to address a stylistic copyedit as proposed above before you nominate it.--ColonelHenry (talk) 12:32, 17 July 2013 (UTC)

• I agree with not calling Cape Cod "a conservative district". Cape Cod is Scott Brown, not Michele Bachmann. Maybe "relatively conservative" compared to Boston's suburbs. —Designate (talk) 13:13, 17 July 2013 (UTC)

Comments by User:DavidinNJ

1.Well-written: I see some issues with run-on sentences that should be corrected, and paragraphs that should be merged.

A. A member of the Democratic Party, in 2010 he ran for the Massachusetts Senate to represent the Cape and Islands district and won, he ran unopposed in 2012. Break into 2 sentences.

B. Wolf was born on August 11, 1957 in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania and attended Germantown Friends School in Philadelphia, spending summers in Cape Cod with his family. Break into 2 sentences.

C. His company Cape Air has been recognized as a leader in energy efficiency by Northeast Energy Efficiency Partnerships[19] for such initiatives as installing a major solar panel system at their headquarters, expanding office recycling, and distributing compact fluorescent light bulbs to employees. Break into 2 sentences.

D. As the Senator for Cape Cod, Wolf supports Cape Wind, a project to build an offshore wind farm in Nantucket Sound, off the coast of the Cape. Reword sentence not be to run-on.

E. In the lead, merge the 2 paragraphs.

F. In the Cape Air section, merge the 2 paragraphs.

G. In the personal life section, merge the 2 paragraphs.

2.Verifiable with no original research: There are a lot of references which is good. I suggested having all the references at the end of the sentence unless there are more than 3. Also, the Barnstable Times ref doesn't include a date.

3.Broad in its coverage: This is good.

4.Neutral: This is good.

5.Stable: This is good.

6.Illustrated, if possible, by images: Add another picture or two. DavidinNJ (talk) 13:25, 17 July 2013 (UTC)

Comments by User:PrairieKid

Initial Thoughts

• Comprehensive
  
• A few grammar issues (To name a few:
  

1. "...the airline company Cape Air, which at the time, solely flew between..."
   
2. "...politics as a call of duty, saying he had 'become increasingly concerned seeing the challenges through the eyes of [my] front line employees.'"
   
3. "At the 2013 Massachusetts Democratic Convention, Wolf was a keynote speaker, along with other declared gubernatorial candidates: Joseph Avellone, and Donald Berwick; at the convention Massachusetts Treasurer also announced his candidacy.")
   

• Could use another image (not required for GA).
  

Criteria

1. Well-written/MoS N A few grammars issues, but MOS is A-OK.
2. Citations ? A few primary/bias sources (source #2, which is used a lot; #15, "CommonHealth" seems somewhat bias), but generally well-cited
3. Focus Y Considering he has only been in office for two years (and that office is a state senator), I am really impressed with the amount of content
4. Neutral Y
5. Stable Y Looking at the edit history, I noticed that there has been a lot of collaboration on the article, which I personally really like to see.
6. Y Another image would be nice, but I understand the situation and it isn't required for GA.
7. ? Overall, if I were actually reviewing this, I would have put it on hold. I honestly feel that it will only take 3 or 4 edits somewhat-minor edits and tweaks to get this article to GA status. Good work! It is really close! PrairieKid (talk) 22:48, 19 July 2013 (UTC)