Wikipedia:Peer review/Into Temptation (film)/archive1
This peer review discussion has been closed.
This article has already achieved GA status and I'd like to eventually nominate it for FA. It's somewhat brief, but I believe I've exhausted all sources available about the film. I'm hoping for a review focusing on both the grammar and any other elements that might come up in a feature review. Thanks! — Hunter Kahn 03:41, 2 November 2010 (UTC)
Finetooth comments: This looks good except for prose and style problems here and there. I cleaned up a dozen or so minor things (typos, missing nbsps) but no doubt missed a few. The images are good-looking, and the licenses look fine to me. The lead looks good. There are no dabs in the article or dead urls in the citations.
- "Father John returns to the red-light district and speaks to a prostitute named Miriam (Greta Oglesby), who suggests a powerful pimp named James St. Clair (Ansa Akyea) might know about the woman. As they speak in a bar, the prostitute enters and solicits a john... " - Link pimp? Link "john" to Prostitution#Etymology and terminology?
- "Later, Father John hires Lloyd Montag (Bruce A. Young), an unemployed boxer at his church, to serve as his bodyguard as he talks to James St. Clair. St. Clair, who knows Lloyd... " - "James St. Clair" should just be "St. Clair" here since the man's name is spelled out in full earlier. The second "St. Clair" could be changed to "The pimp", to avoid repeating St. Clair twice in a row and also to remind readers of St. Clair's identity. This passage would then read: "Later, Father John hires Lloyd Montag (Bruce A. Young), an unemployed boxer at his church, to serve as his bodyguard as he talks to St. Clair. The pimp, who knows Lloyd... ".
- "Father Ralph says that even if Linda is dead, her soul is immortal, so Father John's penance is to absolve her now, which Father John does." - This might have one too many clauses. Suggestion: "Father Ralph says that even if Linda is dead, her soul is immortal, and that Father John's penance is to absolve her now. Father John does."
- "The script for Into Temptation was conceived by Patrick Coyle's thoughts over what kind of priest his father would have been." - It was conceived by Coyle rather than his thoughts. Suggestion: "Coyle conceived of the script for Into Temptation while imagining what kind of priest his father would have been."
- "the Rev. Damian Zuerlein, who married Coyle and his wife and baptized their children" - Not a threesome, probably. Suggestion: "the Rev. Damian Zuerlein, who performed the marriage ceremony for Coyle and his wife and baptized their children"
- "Ann Luster, who would become the film's producer, was involved with Coyle from the earliest stages of the script." - Don't tell Mrs. Coyle. Suggestion: "Ann Luster, who would become the film's producer, helped with the script from the earliest stages."
- "drew very large congregations for weekend mass" - Link "mass" to Mass (liturgy)?
- "Coyle cold-called Kristin Chenoweth's agent" - Link "cold called" to Cold calling?
- "Filming began in May 2008, and took place entirely in Minneapolis, with several scenes filmed in the city's Uptown commercial district, where Coyle lived." - Rather than using the "with" clause, I'd suggest recasting as "Filming, which began in May 2008, took place entirely in Minneapolis. It included several scenes staged in the city's Uptown commercial district, where Coyle lived."
- "Coyle approached Russell Holsapple, a Minneapolis-Saint Paul native and relatively inexperienced composer, to compose the score... " - Maybe substitute "create" for the second "compose" to avoid repetition?
- "Coyle approached Russell Holsapple, a Minneapolis-Saint Paul" - I believe Minneapolis – Saint Paul should take a spaced en dash (spaced because Saint Paul is two words) rather than a hyphen, here and elsewhere in the article. It's already written correctly in the lead.
- "Percy said the final cuts provided to him already contained the strongest performances that were shot from the actors" - From which end? Suggestion: "Percy said the final cuts provided to him already contained the actors' strongest performances... ".
- "When his health started to decline, Patrick Coyle... " - How about "When his father's health started to decline, Patrick Coyle... "?
- "Throughout the film, Father John is warned that his role as a priest comes with boundaries, and that he should not become personally involved with the congregants and actively try to help solve their problems beyond providing counsel." - Tighten? Suggestion: "Throughout the film, Father John is warned that his role as a priest comes with boundaries, and that he should not become personally involved with the congregants or try to solve their problems except through counseling."
- "The film also advocates repentance, and the extent of Linda's victimization can be interpreted as a sign of how catastrophic an unrepentant life can be." - The meaning here is not clear to me. Who should repent? Not Linda, I think, but her "elderly stepfather Donald Dupree". It is not clear from your description of the plot that he does not repent. Is that the lack of repentance you mean? If so, better make that more clear by adding a something to the "Plot" section and by adjusting this last sentence of the "Themes" section.
- "Variety magazine writer Rob Nelson said Into Temptation was Coyle a well-photographed film... " - Doesn't make sense as written.
- "Coyle said, 'This is one of very few American films to deal with religious beliefs about faith and salvation with empathy and insight.' " - Do you really want to include Coyle's analysis of the film in this section? It's not part of the reception by the audience(s). Or did someone other than Coyle say this?
- "Lavender magazine writer John Townsend said the episode conveyed compassionate views of Christianity and complimented the cinematography." - "Movie" or "film" rather than "episode"?
- Instead of creating a separate one-sentence section, I'd suggest adding this sentence to the last paragraph of the "Reception" section. Another possibility would be to expand the "Award" section, but I assume there is nothing more to say.
I hope these suggestions prove helpful. If so, please consider reviewing another article, especially one from the PR backlog at WP:PR; that is where I found this one. I don't usually watch the PR archives or check corrections or changes. If my comments are unclear, please ping me on my talk page. Finetooth (talk) 19:50, 5 November 2010 (UTC)