Wikipedia:Peer review/Providence Grays all-time roster/archive1
Providence Grays all-time roster[edit]
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This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because I my intent is to take this to the FL level. Any help with the prose would be fantastic as it is not my strong suit.
Thanks, Neonblak talk - 20:05, 30 November 2009 (UTC)
Comment - I haven't reviewed this in detail, but since there is a symbol for "player-manager", it ought to also be colored. Since two of the player-managers are also HOFers, there probably should be 3 colors - one for HOFers, one for player-managers, and one for HOFers who were player-managers. Rlendog (talk) 16:50, 6 December 2009 (UTC)
- I went ahead made the change you requested, including changing the Hall of Fame color to be consistent with other FL Hall of Fame color indicator.Neonblak talk - 18:21, 7 December 2009 (UTC)
Ruhrfisch comments: This looks pretty good to me. I did a light copyedit of the lead - please revert if I introduced errors. Hhere are some suggestions for improvement.
- The lead is six paragraphs, too long per WP:LEAD (max of four). After the first paragraph, it is basically a short history of the team. I would probably make the last five paragraphs a History section.
- I thought it was too long as well, but I wasn't sure if the text just needed to be summarized more, or if some other remedy would be recomended. I am not sure I have seen narative sections in FL candidates, but I will rummage through them and see how others have done this.Neonblak talk - 17:38, 10 December 2009 (UTC)
- I was not sure what this meant - missing word? ...1882, the Grays hired Harry Wright to be their manager, who brought back his [relative?] George Wright to play.[20][21]
- I also thought the last sentence was a bit vague The Grays' final season was in 1885, a season in which they finished at their lowest positional standing in their history, as well as their worst winning percentage.[1] I would at least give their standing (third?) and I think I owuld add a sentence about why the folded as a franchise - assume it was financial?
- I will try and find more sources that provide more specifics on why the team folded.Neonblak talk - 17:38, 10 December 2009 (UTC)
- The Alt text tool shows no alt text - this will be needed per WP:ALT
- I did not copyedit the text in the table - I noticed there is a tendency there to use numbers where the WP:MOS says they should be spelled out. Usually numbers ten and under are spelled out (although scores like 5 to 3 would not be). There are a fair number of "he played 1 game" sort of sentences that should read "he played one game" (unless there is some sort of baseball MOS I am unaware of).
- I also think statistics can be kept as numbers, so Kemmler played in 2 games with 1879 Grays, and collected 1 hit in 7 at bats. would be Kemmler played in two games with 1879 Grays, and collected 1 hit in 7 at bats.? I would check with someone who knows baseball style here better than I do - perhaps User:Killervogel5
- This issue was raised during a previous FL of mine, where it was stated that the numbers needed to be either ALL spelled out, or all enumerated, so I chose the latter. The idea being that it needed to be uniform throughout the table, not just the individual player's line. I think with this issue, I will let the FL process weed it out.Neonblak talk - 17:38, 10 December 2009 (UTC)
- I would also watch the overuse of and - two quick examples with suggested corrections:
- He was the starting shortstop for the 1878 Grays, and batted .237, and scored 30 runs. could just be He was the starting shortstop for the 1878 Grays, batted .237, and scored 30 runs.
- In 1883, he played his only season in Providence, and was the starting right fielder. could just be In 1883, he played his only season in Providence as the starting right fielder. (also not sure you need the "In 1883" part as the previous column gives the year - could also be something like In his only season in Providence, he was the starting right fielder.)
- I agree with this as well, I thought it wierd that I was pointing out the season in which the player was with the team, when it was already in the table. I will change these incidents, but will leave alone the others where I am pointing out a specific season of interest, for a player who played multiple seasons with the club.Neonblak talk - 17:38, 10 December 2009 (UTC)
Hope this helps. If my comments are useful, please consider peer reviewing an article, especially one at Wikipedia:Peer review/backlog (which is how I found this article). I do not watch peer reviews, so if you have questions or comments, please contact me on my talk page. Yours, Ruhrfisch ><>°° 16:37, 10 December 2009 (UTC)